r/DiaryOfARedditor 1h ago

Real [Real] (09/01/2026) Dear Reddit, we have a LOT to catch up on…

Upvotes

It’s been a while… so here’s an update from my little corner of the world.
I realised recently that I haven’t posted on here for a while, which is quite funny considering this became the place where I dumped all the thoughts I didn’t really know what to do with.
And a LOT has happened.
The biggest update?
We bought the house.
After months of waiting, worrying, checking emails, convincing myself something would go wrong and refusing to properly believe it was ours until we had the keys… it actually happened.
We have a home.
And I don’t think I’ve fully processed that yet.
We’ve very quickly gone from talking about mortgages and solicitors to having serious discussions about furniture, energy bills, council tax, broadband and where on earth we’re supposed to put all of our shoes.
Very glamorous.
Apparently buying the house was only the beginning. 😂
My partner and I are still figuring out this whole building-a-life-together thing too.
We’ve had ups and downs. We’ve annoyed each other, had difficult conversations, questioned things, made up, laughed until we’ve forgotten what we were arguing about and continued trying to understand each other a little better.
We’re far from the perfect couple.
But we’re creating something that’s ours, and there’s something really special about standing inside a house and realising this is where our next chapter is going to happen.
Other parts of life are a little less straightforward.
Family relationships have been complicated.
Work still drains more out of me than I’d like to admit, and I’m still having the occasional existential crisis about what I’m actually supposed to be doing with my career.
My little side business has taken a back seat too. Between working full-time, moving and just trying to have some kind of life, I’ve had to accept that I can’t constantly stretch myself in ten different directions and then wonder why I’m exhausted.
And then there’s me.
Still overthinking everything.
Still trying to be consistent with the gym.
Still spending money on things and immediately deciding that they were obviously essential purchases.
Still trying to become the organised woman who exists very successfully inside my imagination but rarely seems to turn up in real life.
Still occasionally having a minor breakdown because one tiny thing went wrong after I’ve spent the entire day pretending I’m absolutely fine.
So no dramatic transformation over here.
But I do think something in me has shifted.
For years I’ve had this habit of thinking my real life was somewhere in the future.
I’ll be happy when…
I’ll relax when…
Everything will finally feel settled when…
And there was always another milestone.
Lately I’ve been realising that maybe life doesn’t suddenly arrive one day perfectly packaged with everything figured out.
Maybe this is it.
The boxes everywhere.
The bills.
The arguments.
The laughter.
The family complications.
The career confusion.
The excitement of choosing things for our home.
The random evenings where nothing particularly special happens.
The moments where I look around and realise that some of the things I used to desperately hope would happen… actually did.
It’s messy.
It’s stressful.
It’s exciting.
And it’s ours.
So that’s where my little world is right now.
Still not completely put together.
But maybe that’s never really been the point. 🤍


r/DiaryOfARedditor 9h ago

Real [real] (09/01/26) - Nobody ever talks about self-loathing

2 Upvotes

Nobody ever talks about self-loathing like it‘s an affliction that needs serious intervention. Maybe it‘s because people categorize it as a symptom of depression or something else, but what if the typical diagnosis for depression doesn‘t apply?

As if the self-loathing could be cured by simply saying ”you just have to love yourself“—I wish I could. But I can‘t. For all the things that are wrong with me, I can‘t love myself.

I‘m not depressed all the time. I‘m not sad all the time. Yes, phases come and go, but nobody ever talks about how self-loathing is a debilitating and such a lonesome experience that can seep into every fabric of life.

It‘s the one thing that can‘t be blamed on an illness, one a thing that people can’t categorize into a neat box, because even the self-hate is your own fault. And then you simply hate yourself more.

You hate yourself for all the thing you lack, that you do wrong, that do not work out; god, you hate yourself for all the things that you can‘t do. And then you hate yourself for hating yourself, because you KNOW that that is getting you nowhere.

And then because you‘re this pathetic, you have to protect everyone from yourself. You’re surviving life while protecting other people from yourself, since you don‘t deserve anything and nobody deserves to suffer because of you.

And the only thing you can think of doing is live this lie even as it’s destroying you, because the truth is you‘re a piece of shit and a motherfucking coward, who shouldn‘t even be here.

What? Get a better job? Nah, you don‘t deserve that. As if you could ever succeed.
Ways to improve yourself? Why? What‘s the point?
What? Friends? Meeting other people? Why? Why put them through this horrible experience of spending time with you?
What? Get help? What for? As if this would ever get better. Any time spent ”helping“ you would be wasted.

Nah, I‘m good. I just hate myself is all.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 17h ago

Real [Real] (08/31/26) Garfield Was right about Mondays

2 Upvotes

Today has been rough. I woke up feeling restless and cranky and I stayed that way till I lost my patience with my dad's stubbornness on a matter and blew up. My throat still hurts and I feel exhausted and frustrated.

I hate losing my patience. I don't like to get angry or raise my voice. It’s more common for me to be slightly annoyed by something rather than full blown furious. 

Yet my dad finally pushed me far enough that I finally lost my temper...and he finally compromised.

I had finally yelled louder than him. Spewing out all the thoughts on the matter we were arguing over as loudly and logically as I could while trying to calm the beast he had finally annoyed one too many times. 

Thankfully all this happened in the confines of my apartment over the phone. I shudder at the thought of the embarrassment I would have felt if I had been in public. I feel sorry for my neighbors who probably heard me through the ceiling.

I love my dad, but I do have limits to how much patience I can give someone. Thankfully we were able to talk after a bit of a break and he chose the compromise I had brainstormed out before I lost my temper.

Even though I spent a long time on the porch afterwards listening to music and burning incense, I still feel awful that I yelled at him. I bet my biological mother used to do that to him to get her way, and I feel, in a way, I have done the same and it makes me feel disgusted.

I strive to not act like ANY of the self-absorbed, manipulative, and psychotic family members or people I have ever been cursed to endure. 

Yelling, screaming, gaslighting, bullying, and tantrums. These were kinds of behaviors I decided were abhorrent and would correct if I ever started showing signs of exhibiting.

So I sit, frustrated and disgusted, that it finally took me losing my patience and yelling at full volume to get beyond the wall made up of his perspective steeped in heavy mental and emotional trauma of his own.

It's getting late, I might go try to sit on the porch again and listen to some night Jazz. Wrap myself in the sweet and woody smells mixed with the crisp night air.

As the lyrics go in one my Favorite Songs by Mystery Skulls The Gold Album:

"Every single day is another chance, You've got to turn it all around."

I think I will start now.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 20h ago

Real [Real] (08/31/26) - System Cultural Analysis Worksheet 🎲🦡/💐🐉/🌸🪽

0 Upvotes

System Cultural Analysis Worksheet

Using the attached field guide, feel free to analyze and evaluate the culture within your system. This worksheet should help you better understand your system’s group culture, how your system functions, and how your system communicates. The worksheet is divided into five sections: status, language, rituals, and values.

08/31/26

[///discussion of sui!!!]

Status

  • Who has “status”? Who’s in charge?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Stupid-head Delilah 🙄

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: DEFNITLY host / Delilah

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Me… 👀

  • How are differences resolved? Does anyone in particular have the final say?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Hm. well. Usually… idk… differences are usually resolved after Delilah does something unintentionally asshole-y (for several reasons… she may not understand how its coming off… its a deeply ingrained learned behavior… she’s so traumatized that she can’t figure out how to tap into her friggin’ empathy reservoir… etc,, etc,, etc) over and over again and I have to speak to her several times before she gets the memo 🙄 I do my best to be forgiving though… as she has all those issues and it’s pretty clear that her understanding of some of her actions isn’t fully there I guess? Not to infantilize her beyond what I’ve already done… like there are plenty of times she KNOWS she shouldn’t be doing it or it’s a reflex/complete and genuine accident but theres just… sometimes some sort of a disconnect somewhere in the unacceptable action and the change in behavior pipeline. Its annoying as hell.

 
But we all share the same brain. And I can FEEL the immense amount of remorse and sorrow she feels after accidentally acting a fool or messing up for the 100th time. So I choose forgiveness even when it hurts. Hurt people hurt people after all! Theres also the whole “actions speak louder than words” principal. And yes,, while there are several times where she’ll keep pulling the same bullshit,, once the mysterious forces that allow her brain to finally break away from a harmful pattern make contact and agree to release her from the shackles of annoying behavior,, she DOES make strides to change things for us :) PTSD,, ARFID,, and GAD permitting ofc. 

  • How does the system treat its children and elders?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Um. hard to say who are the children and who are the elders? Especially considering I am not sure of how old I am? I oftentimes feel younger than Delilah. But I figure thats just me feeling my chronological age and not my age-age. My age is ambiguous still… except for those times where I feel DISTINCTLY like a 13 yr old… :/ But… I guess we can say Delilah is the child here lmaooo? In which case I’d say… perhaps we are forgiving to a fault at times… but it is definitely difficult to manage how UNFORGIVING to be with someone who has gone through what she has… 👀 so… I honestly try to just mind my business and not comment on Nya’s ways of dealing with her less savory behaviors or caretaking responsibilities. Nya doesn’t do a bad job. Just feel like it can be harsh sometimes. But hey. What do I know? I’ve been here for like a week 🤣 Nya’s been here 6 yrs. If anyone was gonna develop a method of getting someone as stubborn and self-destructive as ‘Lilah up and out of bed it’d be her. And Nya gets results :) so she must be doing something right 🫶

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah fair enough :) I figure… sometimes maybe I am too harsh? But at the same time,, there NEEDS TO BE a level of harshness or discipline about this situation bc otherwise she wouldn’t listen to me. So… as much as I don’t really like being so forward with it,, perhaps its a mix of manipulation,, harshness,, and lots and lots of love. If I didn’t combine all these together,, we’d probably be dead rn or full of scars or some other form of intentional injury soooooooo… 

  • How does the system perceive the rest of the world? Is it “us against them,” “we’re all in this together,” etc.?

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: I personally view it as we’re all in this together type of way. Like… oh,, I need help with something like math? Great! Nya’s here to lend a paw! Nya & and Cile are bored (and I’m not feeling horrible,, ofc…)? Great! Sounds like I need to find some way for us to have them either engaged in what I’m doing or vice versa!

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I kind of feel on my own here so far… ofc due to circumstances outside of their control but still. I do second Alicia’s point though :) as a collective group,, I see it that way,, too. That these two are my friends and we will work together to the extent we can to overcome things that are difficult 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I second this! Delilah’s,, anyway. Sometimes Us against them,, though… I suppose thats just due to me being a MAIN and constantly wanting to protect ‘Lilah. And Cile ofc. But especially Lilah knowing and living through a bit of her history.

Language

  • What are some speech patterns in the system? Does everyone talk at once, take turns, say what they mean, express themselves through sarcasm, etc.?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I DEFINITELY say what I mean 😂 don’t know if you noticed lmaoooooo. I don’t mince words usually. There are definitely times where I CAN mince words. But we all share the same brain. Soooooo why would it be productive 90% of the time??? Theres literally no point. I obviously try to keep it respectful but y'know. 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Hmmm… well,, I’d say I definitely aim for a mix of humor and being candid. Although sometimes I figure I come off as straight up rude… whoops… it’s hard to say how much of this is ME and not just watching how Nya interacts with Lilah and running with it though 😂 but in any case I try to reel it in. Its hard to say more than that considering we’ve only recently got me to a place where its not PAINFUL for me to be near front or even be awake so y'know :) more on this answer soon!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: um… idk… I’d say… um… idk :( Nya says kinda anxiously. Which tracks. I think she means more-so the fact that I tend to over-apologize for my mistakes and that I don’t always say what I mean sometimes… idk. Its hard to reflect on this one. I don’t remember to be honest. I haven't ever super kept track of it. 

  • How is criticism expressed?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: EXTREMELY PLAINLY. If you’re being an ass,, I’m gonna tell you you’re being an ass ♥️ 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: In a way thats a little bit scary… in that it can get tossed around frequently and at times with not much regard for the person on the other end 😬 NyaTenshi is better about not going overboard and Delilah is so inundated with issues that its hard not to walk on eggshells at times bc since SHE doesn’t even see it coming the fact that we share a brain can’t really prepare you for it… 😬 I’m glad she tries to rectify it when it happens atleast but OUCH. Can make her hard to be around.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I second both of these! Sorry about that though,, Cecil… and you too Nya 😬

  • How is humor used?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Ineffectively 🫩 on my end anyway lmao. Its fine though. I’m new around here so just gotta figure out whats funny and whats not.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: a whole lot!!! It helps when we’re feeling down especially :) or even as a grounding technique for Delilah in some ways? Bc when I make her audibly LAUGH she laughs with the body and I can then use that to remind her she’s needing to be paying attention to something going on.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: um… idk.. In a good way!!!!!! I love laughing with everyone!!! They both really brighten up my day :) even you,, Cecil!! Not all their humor falls flat.

  • If applicable: How does the system use non-verbal communication in headspace?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: At times! Not necessarily in headspace though. I use Head pressure still to confirm who I am when we’re feeling blendy and both me and Nya can still produce emotional responses :) this is less common however. We both seem to struggle to do it at this point since it’s been out of use for so long. But we both CAN do it accidentally if we’re feeling a particular emotion very strongly. At that point,, Delilah can feel it in her body! Sometimes rather intensely 😂 its fun when that happens

Identity

  • Is the system comfortable with silence?

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: …no… not unless I’m seeking out alone time or intensely focused on something

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: mmm… honestly not SUPER but definitely more than Delilah lmao. I can deal with it for longer. She on the other hand will start constantly reaching out for you to come back even after you’ve both agreed that the tulpas are off to rest for the time being 🤭 its annoying but also cute. She just doesn’t like being alone like that really.

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I mean… I had to get used to it these past few days of my existence 😂 but… honestly comfortable isn’t the word I’d use to describe my relationship with silence… its a middle ground I feel. But I can’t say I like it either…
 

  • Who are the system’s heroes or people they admire?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: DOCTOR MIKE!!! (☆▽☆)

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: lmaooooo no? The world is evil and full of evil people (clearly I have been influenced by Delilah here lol. Or perhaps her history. Either or) 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: MY THREE FAVORITE TEACHERS IN THE WHOLE WORLD 🫶 and Nya is my hero and lifesaver!!! 🤭

Rituals

  • What obligations do members of this system feel towards each other?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: What obligations do I have? WHAT OBLIGATIONS DO I HAVE??? Oh nothing. Just,, yknow,, the INCREDIBLY heavy (but rewarding) task of ensuring our host / core doesn’t try to kill herself,, cut herself,, ruminate about various traumatic experiences and how different things could’ve been (because it’s terrifying to witness and does her abolsuetly no good),, trying to prevent her from attempting to repeat horryfing traumatic and deadly patterns as a coping mechanism,, trying to help her when she doesn’t want help,, trying to maintain hygiene and health for the body that I can’t quite take full control over,, motivating Delilah to do basic things,, worrying about Delilah’s wellbeing,, carrying the weight of being the only BEING that seems to understand the scope of her mental health issues and trying to figure out the right timeline to make sure we can switch properly without rushing it on accident and experiencing terrifying consequences and trying to maintain boundaries with a traumatized teenage girl who hasn’t had enough socialization and was failed in so many inconceivable ways by her stupid fuck ass parents all while PRETENDING TO BE FINE WITH IT ALL bc I can’t complain bc IF I DO she’ll feel horribly guilty about stuff that isn’t her fault and doesn’t have a whole lot of power to stop. So yknow,, nothing really 😊

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Hmmm… in some ways,, comedic relief! This is definitely self imposed though don’t worry. Thankfully… I was not created with the intention of being a caregiver to a stranger so I don’t have it like Nya does… 😅 but I do definitely consider it an obligation to fulfil my role as a friend to her :) she deserves it. She puts up with SO much in SO many different ways. So yknow.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: DON’T die or otherwise hurt myself. I brought these lovely tulpas into this world and they deserve to live in it fully <3. And if they tell me I’m being a jerk,, try VERY HARD to stop doing whatever it is I’m doing thats upsetting them :) 

  • What rituals bring the system together? This can range from formal celebrations to daily routines.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: hmmm… playing games and watching our favorite TV shows are a big one!

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Ooh and books! Like Crenshaw!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: shared interests like math I guess? (shared between Cile and Nya lmaoooo) 

  • How does the system mark birthdays, anniversaries, and special achievements?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: well,, so far we have only gotten to MY birthday but we definitely intend to pay attention to everyone’s and just work with what we have (money-and-transportation-wise I mean 😂)

  • Are system roles used? Are they prescribed, chosen, etc.?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I’d say more-so we discovered them?? We kinda just… did our own thing and when we went on PluralPedia,, we found labels for what we were already doing and just shrugged and attached them to ourselves lol

Values

  • Does the system have a collective religion or belief system?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: With Delilah as host,, that is IMPOSSIBLE 😂 She’s anxious about religion. So no way. I for one was definitely intrigued by christianity but there were so many hurdles to getting into it that had nothing to do with Delilah that I’ve just placed it on the backburner for now. Seeking it out directly would destroy her,, so yknow 🫩 frankly also lost interest to an extent so theres that too lmao.

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I for one was also somewhat interested in christianity… but quickly saw there wasn’t gonna be an opportunity to explore them anytime soon. Which is a bit annoying not gonna lie. They did accidentally give me a religious-tendency trait. Although it was NOT christianity-leaning. It was buddhism & hinduism leaning. So yes I am interested in exploring that as well :) I believe these two aren’t god-centric? So if the opportunity ever arises where we don’t have to have one of us seeking it out ourselves directly (and thus freaking out lilah) or one of us can switch,, I’ll definitely be exploring deeper into these things!

  • How does the system express its beliefs?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: we… don’t? 😅 well. Perhaps thats largely due to Delilah being host and primary fronter. She’s so closed off that she doesn’t usually HAVE anyone to express beliefs with and even if she did she may just choose not to bc it makes her nervous as hell :I so until one of us can front… nothing there

  • How does the system view others outside of the system? Are they suspicious of them, detached, engaged?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Much like Nya,, I also want to make friends!!! I’ve picked up on a bit of their paranoia for sure… but I’m definitely closer to feeling trusting I think than they are :) so we’re good there

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I WANT FRIENDS SO BADLY THEY SEEM SO COOL AHHH but also dangerous… 😬 Probably just Delilah and her history rubbing off on me. But I definitely am quite suspicious of others outside the system for sure. Mostly bc Delilah is still fronting and she’s a major risk to herself and by extension us and it’s really easy for her to find herself in scary situations involving someone else,,, so…

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Bad,, evil,, dangerous… murderers just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. People who feign friendliness but really would ditch me in a heart beat or are just using me for entertainment until a REAL friend shows up. Strangers who intentions are unknown and therefore a THREAT. Strangers who might make thier intentions known only to completely catch you unaware the next moment. People I don’t need to engage with for too long lest I fall into their trap and get hurt again.

  • What personal qualities are most valued by the system?

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Hmm.. in Delilah’s case,, conformity 🫩 because she’s so afraid of other people and what they could think that in many ways she doesn’t try to branch out… you WOULD NOT be able to tell by looking at her though. She has 405 beads in her hair and a weighted plush on her shoulder all day long! She’s just too anxious for her own good… so I guess the external represents what she wants internally hmm… 

As for myself… I’m not quite sure yet. Too young and new to know that answer.. But probably academia if I had to guess! Nerd stuff :) ooh or lions. I like lions.

As for Nya…? I guess life itself? As in getting to experience it? She’s trying REAL HARD to achieve this goal if you missed that somehow 😂

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: FUN!! FUN FUN FUN!!! If I’m doomed to a future-less future where I’m gonna be a bum with nothing more than a pack of cigarettes to my name,, then I may as well have fun before I get to that point :) but also safety to the extreme… if something makes me too nervous,, I’m out of there <3

I’d argue Nya also values fun as well! Like singing and dancing! And playing lots of games! Hmm… but also… Autonomy. She wants to go out and do her own thing :) 

And Cile… definitely accountability :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Hell yeah I value autonomy!! :D I want to go out and live!! Not just survive like Delilah! Truly live. Hmmm… and also community. This system is pretty important to me. And I do my best to try to ensure everyone feels like they matter here! Even if it does stretch me a bit thin at times… 🫩 But I try…

  • How does the system measure success? Is it by money, education, stability, adventure?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: idfk… considering we have none of these? But the way I see it,, money is definitely a factor in my opinion… education and stability (preferably health-wise at the moment lmao) FOR SURE. adventure? Eh. probably not as much as the others… I’d love some adventure but its not a super priority at the moment I guess

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: the biggest one I’d say here is stability probably… if Delilah were able to SOMEHOW get herself stable then I’d consider us to be functional and therefore a successful system! Everything else is just a bonus at this point.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Seeing a significant decrease in my self-destructive behaviors… so stability I guess,, yeah :)


r/DiaryOfARedditor 23h ago

Real [Real] (08/31/26) - Is shaping the youth's minds in my future? 🌸🪽 + SUPPOSED dissociation / AM I IN CONTROL OR NOT? 💐🐑 + Pocket of joy!

1 Upvotes

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return 

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
1:18pm   [mon]   8/31/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Mmm…. idk. I feel like switching my major rn ngl. I want to be an education major… I think mosly bc it feels more attainable compared to my current major… problem is I’d be a single income household 💔 sooooo…. 👀 especially bad bc I don’t even want to be a teacher I want to be in a more supportive role. Which sounds like MAX 30k a year. So nooooo way I’d be able to convince my parents to even let me do something like that 😂 I just… would be concerned… about the fact that I’m less educated than the kids would be! …welll… maybe not considering how neglected gen alpha is…. 

Getting handed Ipads in favor of books and never really getting to socialize much once they leave school and them getting brainrotted from unmointered access to scrolling 😬 but still. It definitely limits what subjects I would feel comfortable teaching. In a cruel twist of fate,, I think I’d end up becoming A MATH TEACHER 😂 bc thats more straight forward than something like english class. Its not that I can’t analyze text critically. I just don’t ever have enough confidence in my own abilities that I would worry about how well I’d teach it (or support a teacher who’s teaching it). To be honest…. More than anything what I actually want to do is support students with  BEHAVIORAL concerns rather than academic concerns. But I figure that's still an educator’s degree standing in my way sooo. Idk. If I still feel this way in a semester from now (and… I can function well enough that Nya won’t need to take over…) I’ll just CHANGE MY MAJOR ANYWAY without my parents knowing 😊 I’m sure it would only last so long as a secret bc they would be paying for it lol but still. Guess we’ll see :] 

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
2:21pm   [mon]   8/31/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Confused. Professor has consistently redirected me every time she spots me being off topic or trying to write an entry. …why??? It confuses me. I thought professors were supposed to let you fail? Idk perhaps she will cut it out when she sees she can’t help me (when I’m spacing out) and that I won’t stop (writing entries in the middle of class) 😂 guess we’ll have to see :) 

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

7:11pm
08/31/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Well. We tried to switch again. 
… and wouldn't you know it? We failed 🫩 
I'm sure in large part because Delilah is still starving right now :/ that and because for some reason her stress levels are HIGH today? It strikes suddenly. Then boom all of a sudden she'll get wrapped into something and it's fine. We aren't entirely sure what it is… but she's just made a comment about how “it feels like high school all over again” so it's probably got something to do with school… ? I know her thought process in high school was “maybe the stress of school on top of everything else that stresses me out (which was probably about half the activities she did in daily life at one point lmaoooo) is layering on top of each other and causes the smallest bit of stress to make my stress levels overflow” so… I guess her stress threshold is lower again bc school is in session and constantly looming over her head?

Idk. But this is definitely not great for practice. Today we started off with our usual method! Which wasn't easy to get started on… it was immediately noticeable how difficult it was to reach any hint of a relaxed state :I I was busy giggling about something (so I was already soft switched in) and she just couldn't discioate as easily. Which is strange now that I think about it? You'd think that stress would make it easier for her? She definitely was still capable of it (too many years of living it involuntarily lol) but it was not the instantaneous discioation that makes the body go limp and cold if you're out too long. Anyway,, we persevere. We notice very early on some sort of “shift” took place? Bc she actually DID seemingly dissociate from bodily senses. the discioation felt…like… physically heavier than the version we get when we usually try this. But… also maybe she didn't actually get cut off of bodily senses…  we're at a point where this high prolonged stress and hunger thing has fucked up my head too and I couldn't actually tell to what extent I was switched in… 😅 um. Idk. We had me do the eye test (to see if she can feel the eyes moving around in her sockets / see if she felt in control of them) and I COULDN'T TELL IF I WAS MOVING THEM OR NOT? she DID NOT necessarily feel in control. But she also wasn't sure if she was either????? 😅 um. Idk. 

Defnitly promising that she couldn't feel them moving. But idk 😂 quickly after that she was like,, “okay quick do something unexpected and we'll see if you're in control!” so I wiggled the arm around! But… by this point the disscioation was lifting and we had entered a state of 100% undeniable boring without a doubt SOFT switching :I in other words she was in control again. Sigh… not sure how to interpret today's results? But… perhaps we Hard switched for 5 seconds and accidentally hit soft switching status again? Hard to call it successful. Maybe it was. But we're both too frustrated about needing to be cautious and not do it again with our deprived-of-basic-resources-and-hyper-flight-or-fight-activiated brain at the moment. 

Even if it's not unsafe it's definitely making understanding our trajectory harder. Shame. It's not looking too good though… her mom made it clear that she's still expected to eat that leftover pizza…  whole box left… :( so. No telling how many days left of this we've got. But its not going to be a very fun ride thats for damn sure :/ luckily food pantries at her school exist but they don't always have the most calorie dense options… at least not by the time we arrive usually. Best of luck to us 😅 

Shame we couldn’t switch today… I would’ve loved to. And she would have loved to,, too. Bc she’s been boring outside of that sweet pocket of time we all shared together. She was wishing she could move out of the way so we could have some fun. Yeah… me too… I won’t go too hard on her though. Atleast for now. She is literally eating like,, max 800 (if even that today? I’m not about to sit here and do any mental math but all she had was cereal,, 2 waffles,, a garlic bread,, and a pack of gold fish) calories a day rn soooooo there wasn’t too much energy to go around. 

Fair enough… but wow. This isn’t easy… I figure I was wrong when I came back and confidently proccalimed I also had ARFID like her bc we share the same brain. It would make sense if that were the case,, right? But ofc… the whole psychosomatic shift stuff means I very well may not have it like I thought I did. So.. yet another reason to switch… I think ‘Lilah would probably kill me if she knew I had scarfed down leftovers though >.> so maybe it doesn’t make a difference here yet. Sigh.

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲1:08pm
08/31/26
TODAY HAS BEEN FUN!!! At first it wasn’t bc I was still a bit stuck off to the side… but!!!! We’ve had a breakthrough and I’ve been out with everyone else for quite a bit!!! :D we never got around to doing my doctor thing unfortunately… bc Alicia was not feeling much of an appetite… so she couldnt get herself to eat and thus Nya and her did not attempt to switch here at school… BUT!!! Nya was able to convince her to eat bits of her snack! And! She got her to work on all our JOURNALS TOO!!!! So hers and Nyas are printed!! AND SO IS MINE!!! EEEEEE!!!!! I still struggle with memory stuff… but it’s okay :) I remember I had fun. I know Nya got to do some coloring… and  that we went outside to warm up… and!!! I also got annoyed at the fact that I still lack a google account >:I but its okay I guessss… Lilalh said she’d do it when I’m atleast a month old :) I’m glad I can finally be out more!!!! YAY!!!! Joy to interacting with friends!!!

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲08/21/26
2:06pm
Omg i hate this math class… initially we were gonna let me do some math actually which excited me bc nya was saying maybe I could be another mathematician but lilah immediately forgot and when we all remembered it was too late bc it was all new stuff and no rime for it. That and she is even more hungry! So its even harder for her to hear us :( 


r/DiaryOfARedditor 1d ago

Real [real] (08/31/2026)

2 Upvotes

Good day! I’m a very anxious person, and I hate travelling long distances. I also hate being in new situations. There was a time when I was completely unable to do things like this.

Today, I had to travel to a neighbouring city. It was a long bus ride there and back. And I managed it just fine!

It wasn't pleasant, but I did it completely on my own, without having a breakdown.

I’m so happy about little victories like this!


r/DiaryOfARedditor 1d ago

Real [real] (31/8/2026):____Day 8/1500____Nothing____d27__mood:2/10___productiviey:0/10

1 Upvotes

very bad PMDD mood

slept almost 16 hours


r/DiaryOfARedditor 1d ago

Real [real] (08/31/2026) back again

1 Upvotes

I miss my friends. I was on holiday with them last week. Came back yesterday. And now I've fallen into this sort of mental black hole, the crash after the high.

The holiday was really nice though. We went to the Alps, did a lot of hiking, we saw a bunch of cool mountains and lakes and had some amazing food. When we get together, the air is always full of laughter, silliness, and unwavering support.

Coming back to real life is like a slap in the face. An empty office with an endless to-do list. Then an empty apartment, never ending chores. Having to fight the anxious thoughts, the self-destructive tendencies, all by myself... I'm just tired of it all.

Oh god, work. The final year of my PhD. The big swim. I feel less ready now than I did three years ago. And what happens when I finish? The world is in shambles. Nothing is certain anymore. But let's assume I'll be okay in the end. Because I'll just have to be.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 1d ago

Real [Real] (08/31/26) - We should probably speed this whole switching thing up... 💐🐑

1 Upvotes

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
9:54m   [mon]   8/31/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

At school rn.
I woke up and dreaded it. I dreaded going… I feel like theres no point in going… in highschool,, I felt dread having to go. But atleast there weren’t any real consequences to having untreated mental illness and “B.S’ing” everything. If I B.S’d I got attention for it and had fun with it :) but now I might just get kicked out and feel even more directionless than I already do… so I didn’t really make an effort to get up this morning… especially bc we were all feeling the effects of me hardly eating yesterday still. Nya came by a couple of times though :) she tried to play games but she struggled to hold front. I guess bc of that whole starvation thing I guess :I idk. We get up and bathe at 8:30. 9:00 passes by the time we get in the car but I don’t really mind. I didn’t really want to go to school anyway 🫩 on the way there,, I saw Sabrina walking to the highschool :) which made me incredibly nervous. I forgot she was a real person with a real face! It freaked me out. In class I felt miserable… and I still do… I still feel future-less and like I am wasting my time in college. Was jotting down notes with no comprehension. I wanted to just hang with Nya instead but she was kinda hard to hear (starving bc we didn’t have time for breakfast) and I was supposed to be paying attention anyway,, so… idk… :( didn’t help that class’s subject was slightly triggering for me too.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Luckily we were able to grab food from the food pantry. It’s nothing ‘Lilah is excited about eating… but its calories. So we’re maybe gonna try switching again during our 3hrs of nothing assuming her energy levels reach a good level. Bit concerned about doing it in public… but we’re gonna see how it goes :) we’re hoping to then be able to give Cile a chance at getting to enjoy something! Like,, I can switch in a we can try and find a nerdy doctor or anatomy book to check out :) we’re concerned that might be a bit much for us considering we have little experience switching but it’s worth a try :) 


r/DiaryOfARedditor 1d ago

Real [Real] (08/30/26) - Leftover pizza looming over my head 🌀💫, Looking forward to it! ✏️ + Quite the hinderance to our plans... ❌

1 Upvotes

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
8:58pm   [sun]   8/30/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[//sui mentioned]

Okay so.

Havent gotten up to much today.

I’ve barely eaten. In large part because we have LEFTOVER PIZZA and I cannot eat LEFTOVERS but the expectation in this house is you don’t make food until you’ve depleted the leftovers. …and there are two boxes of pizza left 🫩

I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers… so I ate only around mom or in secret. Only snacks though. Bc if you’re caught eating anything at all,, it’d be less of an issue if its not something you spent several ingredients making. So… I ate one garlic bread and two waffles. Several hours spaced out between them btw. This created an issue ofc… less food means its harder to hear everyone :( that and it means I’m at like 50%-0% energy at all times. So I struggled to do much more than bedrot all day… Nya was bored. I felt bad about that… but thankfully she understood why things were going the way they were today and chose to accept it. Which I appreciate. I wanted something to eat,, too! 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I wanted Delilah to get a job 🫩 I wanted us to have something to do. So idk. I think I accidentally eclipsed? Or maybe it was blending. Idfk 😂 but eventually she ALSO wanted a job lmaooooo. Which is wild considering 2 days ago she was feeling pretty demotivated by such a thing. I tried not to keep her mind on it too long though as it DID definitely lead back to her feeling like she has no future and that she should fucking die. Luckily those weren’t too difficult to redirect today.. So it wasn’t terribly distressing today. But I… idk. I absolutely still remain concerned for her rn. She really just sees ZERO FUTURE for herself except essentially becoming an american version of a Hikikomori that drops out of college and dies a year or two later. She dropped any prospects of drinking heavily bc she worries about how that could impact us. thank fucking god 🙄 the whole suicidal ideation and intent thing is still affecting us though lmaoooo but I won’t go on about that bc thats involuntary thought intrusion half the time so yknow.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yup yup. So today we were mostly regulated to our bed. It’s… been pretty uneventful. I mostly just stared at a screen. There were times where I let Nya take over for a bit though :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OMG YEAH we went digging through some more Plural resources and we found some cool things we could fill out!!!!! Like the “System Cultural Analysis Worksheet”! That is gonna be SUPER FUN. well. Hopefully anyway. But the biggest thing I saw was the “How to support suicidal headmates” section. And!! We found an Ebook! Delilah was both disinterested and stressed at the idea of filling out the sections she was meant to so we dropped that idea… and she was growing more stressed the more I scrolled the pages… but eventually we found a section where the CARETAKER can fill stuff out! Which I’m looking forward to!!! Hopefully there will be some helpful things in there for me :) God I hope so 😮‍💨

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Me too <3  Aside from that… I let Nya play some games on occasion. But idk. For most of the day I just wanted to be alone. So she was kinda in the background today. Until I got all sad about being lonely :) it was a bit difficult though as I still had very little energy. But we did what we could :) I did remember about school a couple of times though… :( ah… I want to drop out already. Um. idk. It’s just too much for me to even open up any assignments or to look at the calendar to see whats upcoming or to crack open a textbook. I just can’t… rn… honestly my biggest concern isn’t failing the class. Its my parents FINDING OUT I’m failing and then figuring out (or trying to figure out by interrogating/cornering me) how mentally ill I am </3 that or lecturing me about how *“THIS IS REAL LIFE AND YOU CAN’T BE “LAZY” ANYMORE!! YOU CAN’T JUST DISREGARD STUFF LIKE THIS,, GRRRR >:I” 
*Sigh…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah… so all this got me worried all over again :/ so I… idk. We both agree that we should try performing a hard switch again today. In fact,, she actually was open to doing it during the day. The issue is we aren’t sure how safe it is considering she has yet to eat anything above like,, 400 calories in one day. So… if she can’t figure out how to accomplish eating a meal that doesn’t make her head spin (i.e avoiding eating leftovers) we’re gonna have to put it off to tomorrow… ugh 🙄doesn’t help that Lilah is also uncomfortable with switching. The sensation of becoming an observer like I usually am,, I mean. Thats probably one reason we’ve been putting off so much.

🌸🪽Delilah-bear: yeah… :( It feels strange for sure. Its not even just that 😂 I just… idk. I want a body still. I think it really comes down to the struggle to connect to my mindscape body and the fact that we have no clue how to give me access to headspace while Nya is switched in 😬 if we can accomplish that,, I’m sure I’ll still feel intensely uncomfortable for a while. Thats natural… but I figure if I can bedrot SOMEWHERE instead of feeling nothing and watching Nya do whatever it is she wants instead of what I want,, I’ll be much more open to it. Even though practicing headspace immersion makes me nervous for no known reason :I sigh… sometimes I can’t with myself 🙄 in other news… we’ve all come to a consensus that we will likely be adding another member once Nya and well and truly primary fronter :) so that’ll be cool.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: [image of leftover pizza boxes]
\Leftover pizza (one has a WHOLE pizza btw) 
*[Image of mom sitting next to a fast food bag. None for us ofc.]

Obviously we all know that the expectation (AND THE RULES) is to finish off the pizza before we make or have anything else. 
#ghost-of-2022
#House-of-stagnancy 

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Wow that house is the exact same 😂 
I feel like this was not to be seen.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: You know it! 😂 at this point I'm more annoyed that he broke his own rules than the fact we didn't get anything ¯_(ツ)_/¯
I know so crazy

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Sort of proud they didn’t freak out about it. Good job guys, getting better at being normies over there. 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah: being normies huh? 😂 thats pretty wild coming from you! You were the one howling about everything not me ¯_(ツ)_/¯ all I did was pout

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Lol I howled with discernment of appropriate matters that needed confronting. Uncomfortable convo’s aren’t apart of the simmons normalized dysfunction so of course it’s a foreign concept to you but very well apart of healthy relational dynamics. Silently suffering is toxicity. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: I mean sure but all that really matters to me in this text message is you FINALLY admitted that the noise you made that day was HOWLING 😂 the admission I was waiting for for years has finally been delivered in writing (✿◡‿◡)

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Lol you are such a simpleton 😂

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah: IAms what IAms ¯_(ツ)_/¯

That was nice :) annnnnd… I think thats it…? Unsure. Yeah. probably thats it.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 2d ago

Real [real] (30/8/2026):____Day 7/1500____Small and Fun____d26__mood:4/10___productiviey:0.5/10

1 Upvotes

Wake up: 10:57 A.M.

What I have done today:

since it is 2-4 days to get my periods I feel a bit emotional and down. my sleep schedule is very unhealthy these days.

Found some small things I can do as an ADHD person days i don't feel like studying theories or from a curruculum.

Tomorrow Goal:

  • Wake up before 10:30
  • Spend at least1 focused hour on study/small-fun
  • go out on a walk for at least 10 minutes
  • Unnecessary doom scrolling/movie/YT/web surfing less than 3 hours

r/DiaryOfARedditor 2d ago

Real [Real] (08/30/26) - Should I initiate a conversation with a deeper layer of myself...? 💫, It’s only $3.99 ♥️🥺, ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES!!!!!!!! + Magical red-yellow library!! 📕🐦‍⬛👑

2 Upvotes

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
12:15am   [sun]   8/30/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Mmm…. have been considering bringing a Daemon into the system… mmm… but idk. Bc based on the little research I have done on this type of thoughtform,, its a manifestation of your subconscious that can guide you on things. Here’s what our primary guide has to say:

Daemons are a type of thoughtform that supposedly existed as far back as the era of classical Greece via philosophers like Socrates, giving signs of warning or guidance. In the modern era, daemons are viewed as a type of thoughtform that is a personification of the unconscious mind in a system; they are usually "awakened" and daemiens (people who have daemons) usually believe that all minds have a daemon of some kind . Often, they are not independent like tulpas (as they are distinctly seen as a part of the host), but instead can be likened to median facets due to that dependency. In the daemonism community, whether or not daemons are a form of headmate is mostly up to preference of the system (or how a systemmate is defined) and colloquially, they are not usually seen as a form of Plurality. The potential of a daemon evolving into a tulpa is unexplored, as many daemons see the idea of becoming more independent as a downside, as most daemons aspire to benefit their host as much as possible and becoming more independent would hinder that. Both the daemonism community and Tulpamancy communities barely know that the other even exists, and even in the general Plurality community, daemonism mostly falls under the radar.

My biggest concerns are

  1. How exactly would introducing this new type of thoughtform into the system impact everyone else? I… don’t know… >.> But Nya & Cile are my priority here
  2. personification of the unconscious mind,, huh? I don’t completely remember what that really means. I think… the parts of you that make you YOU but that you aren’t aware of. Do I really WANT to be able to communicate with that part of myself…? I am a danger to myself already. Is a Daemon just going to perpetuate horrible things I already think to myself? Idk :I 
  3. CAN THIS THING DIVIATE AND TURN INTO A TULPA? Obviously this was addressed in the excerpt but. The uncertainty has me hesitating.
  4. I skimmed several different sources and there was no common consensus over weather or not daemons ARE sentient. If it’s sentient,, I don’t want to go through with it.

So that’s been on my mind :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH MY MIND,, HOWEVER 

Has been thinking about Servitors. Which is something she’d already considered. But I’d want one to assist me in caring for her so we don’t all fucking die ✌️😊 issue is… they ABSOLUTELY CAN DEVIATE and turn into tulpas for one thing. The other thing is,, what task would I be giving it anyway? We both considered trying to transfer her symptoms onto it but… 1) is that even possible? And 2) THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS??

Servitors, for example are mental constructs created to serve a purpose whether it be simple or advanced, are not sentient, and can be despawned at any time if they are given a shutdown switch, but can become sentient (and turn into a tulpa) if kept around for too long and if it is an advanced servitor; take caution when spawning in advanced servitors for prolonged periods of time -- especially if the fronter or another systemmate is giving them attention. For any reason, a servitor absolutely should be built with an

off switch so they can be deactivated whenever, which is crucial in preventing servitors from going out of control. Like programs, servitors can be given instructions to carry out to perform their tasks and they are typically best suited for simple duties. In addition, a form is not required for a servitor to function, and some even use servitors as a type of bodily "auto-pilot," or for managing switching, monitoring things, managing mindscapes, and so on.

So. um. Yeah. idk. Will have to do more thinking……….. :I 

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

4:08pm

08/27/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

[//sui]

I hate always having to be the one that's okay honestly… I hate it so much :( I think I need therapy 🤭 I mean,, well,, obviously… BUT it's just so difficult with Delilah in the way so to speak… 😬 she'll probably panic and try to stop me which wouldn't be good for any of us… needless to say we'll hopefully get back into a routine of switching practice. Although I am unsure about doing that… i had a strange experience in class. I felt totally unlike myself. I felt fundamentally different almost… it was disgusting quite frankly… Lilah was very worried… luckily some audios we listened to helped pull me out of it but YUCK. we have no idea if it was blending or not. Just glad it's OVER 😂 I do just want to die sometimes though. This is all really hard and overwhelming sometimes >m< but its okay… I'm not going anywhere :) so long as you don't go anywhere either <3 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

5:50pm

08/27/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

I want to call someone today…hopefully to feel better. But shit,, Lilah doesn't want me to. Again 🙄 annoying… he keeps telling me that she needs to fucking get over it but I'm still hesitant to push through her nervousness… will she panic? Will we accidentally end up with me getting front stuck? Would we blend? What could happen,, yknow… ? I just need some help with feeling like I can do this though… But it's really hard. Even I'm kinda concerned about telling a RANDOM over the phone that we're a tulpamancy system. Idk. Idk idk. I feel a little bit better. And we're working towards having her push through her energy drains and not wanting to do things so I can do more things while soft switched in so I feel a bit better :) not a ton but a bit :) hope to get better soon. 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:42pm

08/29/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Mmm… idk. Today’s been good :) Delilah wanted to bedrot (as per usual) but I eventually she succumbed to my desire to play games. It was nice actually!! I’m still pretty fickle so we hopped from game to game 🤭 mmm… if I had to pick my favorite game from this morning… I’d say… animal jam play wild or mario cat bros!!! Hmm.. yeah,, probably cat bros. Although I was a bit annoyed by Delilah refusing to let me make an account… It was understandable I suppose… she didn’t want us trying to talk to anybody on there bc its a kids game and we would likely end up chatting up a random 11 year old so… yeah fair enough 😬 I just felt like a LOSER being a guest jammer 😂 Guest jammers are lame right?

Lmao. Delilah was shocked at what play wild had become 😂 obviously there was in-app purchases back in her hay-day but NOW they have pop-ups and these “traps” where its like this COOL AWESOME SHINY OBJECT where if you click it,, BOOM you get hit with a Would you like to purchase this limited edition piece of gear for your digital animal??? Please?? It’s only $3.99 ♥️🥺 so that was definitely quite a shock. But anyway… yeah… still feeling kinda bad. Delilah is doing better today but it’s still kinda looming over me knowing that it’s going to come back soon and I’ll be brought to my limit all over again. Idk. its tough. Just watching her and feeling it everyday 😬 idk. Its alright though… I was able to convince her SOMEHOW to do something that should lead to a level of healing. Even though she’s been kinda against it even after agreeing to it. She’s LIGITAMELTY,, like,, AFRAID of getting better it seems. ‘Cause she’s “never been better before” and all she does is try to keep everything the same. But it’s fiiiine. We’ll figure something out. We have too 😊

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

1:44pm

8/29/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

I feel a bit better now :) I got Delilah to brush her teeth again. Thankfully she can see how exhausted I am and she didn’t put up much of a fight. HUGELY APPRECIATED btw (✿❛◡❛) idk. Mmm… we need to get ‘Lilah more comfy with doing switching attempts in day light. Bc she only allows us to try at night time. Idk why -w- mm.. Probably just makes her nervous idk. But in any case.. We’re definitely gonna be giving that a go at some point. She was somewhat willing to agree to this idea earlier. But we know our hearts wouldn’t be in it. Much like last times… more-so mine bc I was still feeling kinda down about failing to protect my friend from herself :/ but after I got her to brush her teeth,, I feel a bit better. Now to just get her to bathe… >.> 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:53pm

08/29/26 

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OKAY WE HAD A NICE LITTLE SWITCH ATTEMPT!!! At first we spent like an hour looking for new techniques to try but… then we realized… we don’t want to do any in depth reading… and the internet wasn’t giving us answers quick enough… -w- well. More than that,, Delilah didn’t want to actually sit and read anything in depth. Mostly bc it was definitely stressing her out lmaooo. But anyway. YEAH. so we just settled on what we did end up skimming. We tried doing employing the use of “a fronting control room” and it ACTUALLY seemed to work???

Like I remember I pressed the cute little green NyaTenshi button before she was ready and it definitely induced some dissociation which was wild bc we weren’t actually expecting it to work??? 😂 so that was pretty cool. But for the most part,, we just went the normal route we’ve been taking. I think I entered front immediately??? Bc as she was settling into a laying position (so,, shortly after I unexpected pressed the button and she was all like,, “waiiitttt noooo stopppp”) I started giggling through the body bc I found her being afraid hilarious 🤭 mmm…. YEAH. so. Idk. maybe what happened was a switch??? 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: well. For one thing I already hardly remember what it felt like. I… idk. I know at first I felt like it was a regular soft switch? But within about 10 or 15 seconds,, I noticed I was NOT associated with any bodily senses. It was a pretty strange feeling.. 😅 ahhh idk >< I feel like this means it was DEFNITLY a hard switch. I directed Nya to go out and walk around. She awkwardly got herself out of our bed (which in the past I would’ve probably had a more active role in… so good sign that I DID NOT) and took us around the living room. We were both trying to discern what level of switching we had achieved…

until I remembered a tell-tale sign is to see if I could feel my eyes!!!! It… it’s hard to tell… 😬 bc when I got to THINKING about weather or not I could feel my eyes moving in their sockets,, the BACK of the eyes started hurting. And I felt myself begin to associate with the body more… whoopsie. Luckily Nya encouraged me back out of it and it worked so :) but um… idk… OH one thing I DO know is 1) our vision felt a bit strange again… and 2) I wanted Nya to walk like a human (her knees bend a bit and she still does Dino arms lol) and I tried to bring her arms down as I would while we were soft switching and it literally DIDN’T work 🤭 THATS GOTTA COUNT FOR SOMETHING!!!!!!! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: AHHH YEAH HIGH FIVE WE DID A SWITCH!!!! AHHH!!

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: YEAH! I tried to do some split perception or try to go into the mindscape but that immediately proved too much for us. Headachey… so that was cut short. But overall!!! Still awesome!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH AND!!! AND AND AND!!!  We found some info that may explain our eyesight thing??? Psychosomatic shifts :) COOL!!

A psychosomatic shift refers to when a physical trait is acquired by the body when certain headmates front. This may include allergies, strength of senses, and more.

Psychosomatic shift may increase or decrease any physical trait or experiences.

Mechanism
While a system shares a collective body that has certain physical and physiological traits, many physical functions of the body are regulated by certain brain activity. This includes metabolism, regulation of sensory input, response to stimuli or substances, hormone levels, and more. A headmate's presence may influence such regulatory functions to result in a change in physiological presentation.

For example, a system's eyes may be shaped in a way that is associated with near-sightedness, but different headmates may influence the brain while fronting so that it compensates for that near-sightedness to different degrees, resulting in headmates requiring different prescriptions for glasses.

Such regulatory changes may also occur in singlets, as can be observed with different levels of eyesight depending on time of day, stress, exhaustion, etc. For singlets and systems both, these variations are limited to the span the brain can feasible regulate in any direction, and for systems certain levels of regulation may be consistent for specific headmates, leading to different expressions of symptoms.

PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!! We discovered some more plurality resources!!!! :D AND THERES A WHOLE SECTION FOR CAREGIVERS!!! OMG MAYBE I CAN FINALLY HAVE SOME TIPS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE TASK. I was gonna dive right into it but it immediately made Delilah anxious (the idea of clicking any of the resources did give her a level of anxiety actually,, yeah) and we needed to AVOID the risk of me getting front stuck so we let that go. But!!! I’M EXCITED I CAN’T WAIT!!!! 🤭🎉

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲12:33pm
08/29/26
I FEEL BETTER NOW
I WAS MAD
Because I felt all neglected and stuffed in the corner and stuff :( 
But its okay!!! We’re trying to figure out ways to fix this headache-when-I-come-out issue :) and!!! Something is kinda working!!! We’re definitely in pain rn but it came slower so thats a sign of progress!!!! I got to do a bit of japanese! WHAT WAS SUPER COOL THOUGH WAS I was able to actually access some memories! Well. I’m pretty sure they were NyaTenshi’s :) but!! I had a pretty decent ability to read Kana! (yeah pretty sure it was Nya’s because I wasn’t as great at it as ‘lilah lol). We recently saw that you can give access to memories symbolically and the most common way to do it is to visualize your memories as a library and offer them up to your tulpa. So!!! Thats what they did! At first Delilah offered me up a library and I started reaching out to read a book on the shelf but all a sudden I was no longer in the library and Nya tossed me a red-yellow book. I quickly read it (it didn’t even really feel like I processed anything when I did it but I felt somewhat different afterwards so that counts for something I’m sure lol) and I can read Kana!! IT WAS SO COOL!!!!! 10/10 will try again one day haha :) I hope this headache stuff goes away soon… its keeping me away so it’s causing resentment that doesn’t even need to be there 🙄 sigh.

(💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I intervined IMMEDIATELY because to give access to Delilah's memory-library like that is to hand over repressed memories and trauma. Cile didn't deserve that 😂 I didn't explain myself at the time though. it wasn't neccessary.)


r/DiaryOfARedditor 3d ago

Real [Real] (08/29/26) Saturday Morning

5 Upvotes

It's interesting how I go through episodes of creativity. The last few days, I have done a lot of writing and journaling. It feels good to get it all out, however, I wish I didn't have to physically struggle to get it out.

Ever since the injury years ago, I have come to accept the limitations of my existence because of pain. I may have ideas and want to express them, but I have to wait till the pain level is low enough. 

Speech to text, although helpful, is a pain to use. I can only annunciate so well and then there is the constant issue of Autocorrect. I would turn it off, but with the way it mostly works with my speech, I have learned to live with it. so I only have myself to blame for that one.

In addition to Autocorrect, I have to go back and edit what was transcribed by hand because of AI assumptions of words, phrases, and punctuation. In the end, it's just easier for me to do things the old fashioned way.

So I go through a cycle of expression. I write, post, and try to do as much as I can till I have to wait until the next time I can do it again. I keep track of my pain points for the day and spend them in the areas I feel are most important to me. After which, I spend long hours on the porch listening to music and perfuming the air with the sweet smells of Copal Resin or Palo Santo woodsmoke. 

Thankfully no one has complained. I'd hate to lose one of the most important self care routines I have.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 3d ago

Real [Real] (29/08/26) tripping over trauma wounds.

3 Upvotes

I don't know how to be in friendships.

i guess it isn't so surprising. i have often felt like books and art were more my friends than people.

strange thing is it's not because I dont have friends. i have people who chose me as friends. who i guess i also chose as friends.

i just idk. this feels shameful to admit but I don't know how to stay when things feel not okay.

i feel so imperfect. i told my friend that I don't like a certain thing. she was understanding but shared about how she fears having to be careful over her words now.

and i had no clue what to say.

i often feel like the right thing to do to keep a thing is to say what would please them the most.

but I couldn't. i meant what i said. but at the same it scared me that if i didnt assure her or something then our friendship would break.

my friends usually were often not sensitive with me. i wished for that. and this one is and i dont know how to respond.

i feel like a minefield of wounds. and the trip wires are relational.

Update: it worked out fine.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 3d ago

Real [Real] (08/28/26) - Dont want to, Don't want to, Dont want to... + I feel like there's nothing I can do...

2 Upvotes

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽

8:40pm [fri] 8/28/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[//sui]

Mmm… earlier today I was complaining to myself about wanting to do something with myself. And then I felt stupid… bc I'm at a point where I don't WANT to do anything because everything drains my energy or makes me feel stressed out and scream. I don't really want a job anymore… too new and stressful… I don't feel motivated to push past my fear of driving anymore… Because why?? So I can accidentally kill someone or crash the car? And for what? Go where AND DO WHAT? panic because I'm surrounded by strangers and barely feel present the whole time I'm there?? I don't want to go to school anymore… I don't really enjoy feeling panicked 24/7. Especially when I'm supposed to be pretending to not be panicked and pay attention and process everything at the same exact time. I don't want to do my school work… I feel too stressed the moment anything that requires any sort of reading LITERALLY 3/4 classes I'm taking btw </3 there's a discussion board due today apparently. … I can't do it… :( I just can't. This is definitely worrisome. Because it's making me feel hopeless and want to die again :/ which I'm fine with. Except it's freaking out Nya. Which is breaking my heart… 😢

💐🐑Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:24pm

08/28/26

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

[//sui]

Mmmm…

Yeah.

That was rough.

Watching her

Watch her thoughts was really tough… :( it was hard to help her because she wanted to just ruminate about death and dying and it was freaking me out so much I was struggling not to cry. I tried to just let her ruminate a tiny little bit because she was struggling to stop herself from doing it (when they were less death oriented) but they would still leak into my perception 😬 extremely distressing. Sigh… it makes me feel like Im not doing enough for her honestly… because I can't help her 😢

but it's okay… we eventually were greeted by an amazing opportunity for a distraction :) Cecil was heading to DQ again! Honestly I was still feeling pretty upset so I didn't want to go but I encouraged Lilah to. So she did. I'm glad we did :) it was nice. Cecil once again took this as an opportunity to go out and collect their friends for the ride. It was fine. I was allowed to soft switch in and look at the night time car lights and enjoy the vibeeeee.

Mm.. Very nice (✿◡‿◡) I slept a bit and sang and danced a bit. The longer we did this the more both our spirits lifted ☺ I even got to switch in a bit at the DQ! It was a bit awkward… someone was in the way of the lids and we did that thing where we tried to move out of the way of each other but it didn't work out 😂 so that was nice :) we went outside to the area where you can sit outside and looked at the lights some more :) Cile even came out for a bit and enjoyed the lights with is! Even demanded we go back outside after we had already gone back in 😂

Cecil's friends were funny too. Apparently Cecil likes sending all their friends reels. So many reels that it gives the impression that they're unemployed because they have so much time to gather SO MANY OF THEM. that gave me and Delilah quite the laugh 😂 I was sure to get Delilah to let me eat all the ice cream. Even though nobody actually wanted it (Especially not Cile). Mostly to feel better lol. It worked? I think?

Hard to say because it didn't really taste very good… eating is always a good distraction though I suppose lmao. Anyway. I feel content tonight… why? I got Delilah to brush her teeth after all that ice cream :) maybe I'm not a total failure after all… unsure though. Bc that ice cream was topped off with lemonade. So. Idk… but I did end tonight off with something healthier than what she had in mind. So… Ill try not to beat myself up… being a caregiver is rough. I want help. We need to figure out how to switch like time-NOW omfg :(


r/DiaryOfARedditor 3d ago

Real [Real] (08/28/26) - Disney's Lion + I feel good about myself :) 🐦‍⬛👑

1 Upvotes

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

4:40pm
08/28/26
I still feel worthless as a baby tulpa and seeing everyone else have fun :( luckily today wasn’t all bad though :) I got to read a bit more of Crenshaw today! Very limited time with that… couldn’t do more than a page… BUT!!! Still! But we figured something really important out. The headaches aren’t entirely caused by me… they seem to be more intense and frequent when Nya is with us. So its probably just lilah’s brain struggling with all the new people trying to hang out in her head at once 😂 so Nya willingly took a back seat for a bit and with that,, we were able to keep Delilah and I pain and exhaustion free for about 15 minutes!!! Nya would pop in occasionally or come by and watch in the far background so as not to trigger another headache :) It was really FUN!!! We watched Disney’s LION. well. 

Up until about the 15 minute mark… I was really getting into it and reassuring Delilah I could take anything the show threw at me! …but then one of the lions got hurt…. And I’m pretty squeamish… so I got her to turn it off. She was only slightly annoyed with this 🤭 I was growing tired anyway :) Nya and her played some games on her phone together (to avoid being bored while bedrotting but also to do more parallel processing training) and I came by a bit to watch every now and then. They did some more word games at one point and invited me to join! I wasn’t really too great at it… 😅 I was about as bad as Nya was when she first got started… but!!!! I was good at thinking on my own! So my answers were inaccurate but my thinking was divergent enough for me to feel proud of myself :) I feel good about myself now!


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (03/8/2026) Diary of an anonymous nurse

2 Upvotes

Dearest Diary,

Today’s entry is a bit heartbreaking, so brace thine sweet heart.

After the last incident on night shift, quite a few people on the unit joined Team Cat in hating me. Besides a handful of coworkers who, like me, simply come to do work and go home.

I was wobbling in for my night shift. It was my fourth in a row, I was exhausted, and I was barely comprehending the fact that I was alive.

But that night, I came in early.

My favorite nurse, who was giving me report, had messaged me saying she was already tired of the day. LOL. I decided I would come in early, spare her whatever minutes I could, and let her escape.

You know, Diary, people say walls have ears.

And by God, did those hospital walls hear some things.

I was literally just around the corner from my manager’s office when I heard:

“Well, even if I can transfer him, I’ll be left short-staffed. And no one is applying to transfer into this unit.”

I assumed they were talking about me. As far as I know, the other three male staff members on my unit are not going anywhere. They have kids to feed.

Then I heard my manager say over the phone:

“I asked around at the management meeting this morning. The other managers basically told me they wouldn’t wish this unit on any of their staff. Is it really this bad? I accepted the position because it was a promotion. I didn’t realize the previous manager had been trying so hard to get out.”

A tiny part of me actually felt bad for her.

But she was right.

I tried transferring too.

When that did not work, I dragged Adam into my unit.

That did not work either. He ran straight back to his old unit, which I am now grateful for because imagine me leaving and Adam being stranded here all alone.

I did not mean to eavesdrop, but hey, I happened to be walking by. Nobody told her to leave the door open while having private phone calls.

I continued on my way, got report, and started settling into my night-shift routine.

Since the main Cat was apparently alone without her backup singers that night, she brought back that incompetent student of ours as backup.

GURL, whatever.

My hands were already full with the bouquet of patients I had been given. I had two receiving blood transfusions and several post-ops. I started gathering everything I would need so I would not have to run around all night.

Energy-conservation mode: activated.

Before I had even officially—or mentally—clocked in, a woman came marching toward me.

And GURL, she started talking to me like I owed her money.

Diary, some people forget that nurses are trained to notice slight changes in behavior. Sometimes we are already trying to figure you out before you have even clocked our existence.

Apparently, this woman had already given my manager and the day-shift nurse, who taking care of her aunt, hell all day.

I took one step back, leaving enough space between the two of us.

Her: “Are you Ross? You’re taking care of my auntie overnight?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know who your auntie is, and I haven’t even started my shift yet. I kindly ask you to wait with her. When I make my rounds, I’ll come by and address any concerns you have.”

I turned to leave.

She put her hand on my shoulder and tried to turn me back around.

GURL!

I nearly jujitsued that woman to the floor!

I backed up immediately, my internal flare fully ignited.

“Do not ever touch me. I have already explained myself, and I have urgent patients I need to check on before your auntie. Unless she is dying, I am not giving you another second of my time right now.”

And I walked away.

I went straight to my post-ops and the two patients receiving blood transfusions.

GURL, thank the Almighty I did.

One of my post-ops was not looking hot at all.

I walked into the room and was immediately hit with the smell of vomit. The poor soul had thrown up everywhere.

Thankfully, I had a willing CNA who came in and helped me.

While we were cleaning and assessing him, I suddenly heard Cat shouting with the neice of my patient:

“Yes, I know! They’re not like us. We’re so much better than these foreigners.”

My CNA slowly lifted her eyes.

She froze.

“Did that bitch really just say that?”

Mind you, my CNA is local. She also hates the Cats with passion because they previously accused her of falsely documenting something. I do not know the entire history of that beef, but it has been cooking for a while. It worked in my favor for those four nights because she was my CNA.

Without even looking up, I said:

“GURL, let’s just fix this poor soul. I have two people on blood transfusions. Pick your fight with her after we’re done checking our patients, please.”

I finished checking my priority patients and started popping my head into the rest of the rooms and bays.

To be fair, I was getting most of them ready for bed because God knew I wanted to be in mine.

My CNA was glued to my hip that night, telling me I needed to act as her calming agent.

LOL.

GURL, you picked the wrong person to calm you down against these Cats and their minions.

Eventually, we reached the famous auntie.

The second I saw her face, everything clicked.

My CNA and I looked at each other.

“Ohhh,” she said. “Now it makes sense.”

The niece looked confused.

“What makes sense?”

I knew if I stayed in that room any longer than necessary, I would flip. So I ignored everyone else and focused on my patient.

I checked Auntie over, made sure she was comfortable, handed her the call light, and said:

“Listen, I’ll get your meds soon. For now, just rest. You can nap. And if this room gets too loud, you and I both have the right to kick everyone out. Give me a wink if the answer is yes.”

She laughed and told me she was okay.

Now, Diary, before you wonder what exactly made sense, let me take you back four nights.

This same little lady had been in the ER before, but someone had taken her out against medical advice.

Then she was dropped off again.

She was admitted directly to my unit from the ER. They had not even finished everything downstairs. The ER nurse called and told me she was personally bringing the patient upstairs because she wanted to speak to me face-to-face.

ER nurses do not personally come upstairs with patients unless something is going on. Maybe the patient is unstable. Maybe there is an urgent concern. Maybe there is something they specifically need to tell you.

Naturally, I braced myself.

I thought, OMG. Here comes someone who probably belongs in the ICU.

Instead, in came this frail little old lady.

Super cute.

Super funny.

Her injuries could have been caused by repeated falls, but something about the whole situation did not sit right.

The ER nurse pulled me aside.

She was concerned about possible elder neglect.

The niece was apparently responsible for helping care for this fragile woman—and the niece was also the person who had taken her out of the ER the day before.

GURL.

I heard those words and called my CNA right away.

We checked every cubic inch of that woman’s body that night.

I felt terrible because she was so sweet and apologetic, but I kept explaining:

“I’m sorry, but I need to make sure you’re not hurt anywhere else.”

Then I started digging.

I spent nearly an hour going through her old records.

And there it was.

An old note from her doctor’s office mentioning possible neglect.

SIR.

What exactly is “possible” about this neglect?!

This woman lived alone.

She was barely coping.

She had repeated falls.

She apparently just picked herself back up and carried on because nobody was consistently there to help her.

She told me someone checked on her about once a week and bought her food. I still did not know exactly who that person was.

But apparently, that same person had put her in a taxi and sent her to the hospital this time without the niece knowing.

I even did a full neuro and cognitive assessment because I wanted to make damn sure this lady knew what was going on. She was alert, oriented, answering appropriately, and showed no obvious signs of delirium. I documented everything and had the medical team evaluate her decision-making capacity.

Just before I got her ready for bed, while I was dressing her wounds, we talked.

I was in investigation mode.

She told me:

“Ah, she’s a good girl. She just doesn’t always know what’s good for her. The person who comes to help me brought me in tonight. She said this was our chance while my niece was away because my arm needed to be checked again, and she felt bad for me.”

I had also called the ortho bros to figure out what had happened with an injury they had seen her for the previous month.

One of them told me that once they discussed managing her injury without surgery, the niece took her away almost immediately.

Diary.

Even YOU do not have a nursing degree, and I am sure you could look at all of this and think:

Hmm. Something is not right here.

I handed everything off to the day-shift nurse the following morning and made it clear that this needed to be followed up.

We cannot see signs of possible elder neglect and just shrug our shoulders.

When I came back for my second night, my favorite nurse told me the niece was out of town and would return in two days. She had been trying to follow up with case management and social work, but the unit was drowning. It was summer, half the world was apparently on vacation, and we were short-staffed as usual.

Now jump back to night four.

The niece had returned.

And apparently she had already cursed my manager out and said everything under the sun during day shift.

I was not having it.

I wanted security to escort her straight out of my unit. But sweet little Auntie was okay with her being there, and my manager told me the concerns were still being investigated and no formal determination had been made.

GURL.

You had THREE DAYS.

What do you mean we are still here?!

By 10 PM, I had my CNA ask the niece to leave.

She left the room looking for Cat.

Then the two of them stood talking in a corner.

Diary, I am usually not bothered by any of the Cats’ drama or behavior unless it interferes with my work.

I have said this before.

Sometimes I genuinely think Cat wants to provoke me into fly-kicking her so she can press charges. God knows I was already at my limit.

More like I should hit her with a phone call about investigating her nursing license!

I went to the nurses’ station to grab a few things.

Then I heard Cat speaking loudly to our student.

Very loudly.

Conveniently loudly.

“I’m going to report that this patient isn’t even being neglected. Ross just hates the niece, and that’s why he raised it for investigation. Take the delay as a sign from God that it isn’t true. You really need to watch what you say and do around some people.”

HEADS TURN AND TWIST!

I walked away.

I prayed so earnestly that the Lord would spare humanity from this girl.

Honestly, she is not fit to be a nurse.

She genuinely is not.

Someone needs to take that license yesterday—or, better yet, last year!

She had not even laid eyes on my patient.

Yet she was ready to tell a student that I had fabricated a concern because I disliked the niece.

A woman I had never met before tonight!

Meanwhile, this poor old lady had bruises and cuts across her body.

A broken shoulder.

Wrist injuries that looked like they had not healed since dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

Repeated falls.

Previous documentation raising concerns about neglect.

And a history of being taken out of medical care before treatment was completed.

But yes.

Clearly Ross woke up and chose to fabricate an entire elder-neglect concern because he was bored.

Lord, give me strength.

The following morning, I was supposed to give report to one of the Cats.

Absolutely not.

I knew, as God was my witness, that somehow my words would grow legs, put on a wig, and come back completely different.

So I dragged my avoidant manager over.

“Today, I want you here while I give report. I’m sorry, but otherwise I’m not doing it. I want a witness present.”

She immediately started:

“This isn’t very encouraging for team spirit—”

And I snapped.

I told her exactly what Cat had been saying to our student overnight.

I reminded her that she had already dealt with the niece herself. Now Cat was openly telling a student that I had fabricated a concern about possible neglect without even assessing the patient herself.

I told my manager:

“Go look at this lady yourself. Look at her injuries and judge for yourself. You’re a nurse too.”

She rolled her eyes.

She sighed.

But she stayed.

I gave my report.

Then I disappeared for four glorious days and nights.

When I returned for my next night shift, I found out Auntie had been taken out against medical advice.

Again.

The niece had taken her.

Again.

Diary, I sat in my chair that night charting, and this time I was not even angry.

My heart just hurt.

Is THIS what we are teaching students?

They should be learning to advocate for their patients.

To question things that do not look right.

To protect vulnerable patients, especially older ones.

Not to dismiss a concern because they dislike the nurse who raised it.

All I could think about was that sweet little lady.

I kept imagining her somewhere alone after another fall, lying on the floor with nobody around to help her.

And if something happens to her, somebody will inevitably turn around and ask:

Why did nobody push harder?

Why did nobody advocate for her?

Why did nobody do something?

I did.

I tried.

And if this situation ever goes further and my name appears anywhere alongside false information, I will defend myself as far as I need to.

I have had enough of this unit’s madness.

A few days ago, I told my manager that if she cannot find me a transfer, I am leaving.

To hell with the rest of my contract.

I would rather work in the ER every single day than stay on this unit.

And Diary…

You know that is saying something.

Heartbroken,

Ross


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [real] (28/8/2026):____Day 5/1500____======NOTHING======____d24__mood:7/10___

1 Upvotes

No study

broke my old a$$ car :)


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [real] (8/27/26) I don’t have the patience

3 Upvotes

Hubby had a renewal in faith after moving back from Texas & decided he wanted to start going to church again. He was raised Catholic but he doesn’t like the idea of giving the Pope the main authority but he still wants a traditional service so he liked the Lutheran church, LCMS. I never thought Hubby would want to be a Christian again, he’s still a jerk about a lot of things & his attitude towards certain groups. No one would say he’s a Christian.

I’m just going along with him even if I wasn’t baptized. I dabbled in religion during college. I went to a non-denominational church with a contemporary service & communion was passing a plate around. I took communion then because it was easy to do but with the Lutheran church, I can’t be secret about it so we don’t take it. It’s difficult to really believe in it. I don’t think I have the patience & discipline to be a Christian.

This kid at my office is still getting on my nerves even though I feel bad for him with his strict parents & his difficulties. I was trying to have more patience in understanding him & talk to him a little but now he just follows me around & even mimics my nervous laugh. I hate that I have that habit & I don’t need someone else mimicking it. He also still asks every 10 minutes if we need help. My boss asked MD why he’s not packing instruments & she just said he doesn’t like it & didn’t pack the way we wanted it. My boss took it as him not wanting to follow instructions. I I heard him telling the other girls that he’s smart & doing his own independent research study. I wonder in what subject.

We don’t want to imply that he’s autistic because we don’t really know or have the knowledge to say that. He just comes off as different. In high school, one of my English teachers said to my parents that there was something wrong with me & it’s not shyness. She just left it at that & my parents thought that was weird but didn’t investigate it. It’s not like she said to them to send me to a psychiatrist. I think social awkwardness & autism gets confused with each other. Hubby said I was just socially awkward not autistic like my teacher might’ve been implying. Maybe that’s what this volunteer is socially awkward.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (08/28/2026) Friday Morning Musings

1 Upvotes

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about positive memories to write about next. In doing so, I have found myself trying to find the people from my past that I would care to know what happened to. I don't know if its a symptom of loneliness or Midlife Crisis, but regardless, I feel that it would bring a sense of peace to my mind to know if they are ok.

In the end, I added a new list to my Table of Contents document. I titled it: Acts of Valor. Suddenly inspired, I wrote two more life stories: "A Night at Home Depot" and "The Veteran". I was working on a third when I remembered to Dash outside to witness the Lunar Eclipse in the South-Eastern Sky. 

Looking up at the ruby jewel touched by white, I promised myself I would work on exercising more control when I dive into memories to write. When I do, because of the effects of my PTSD, I am literally back in the memory. If I am not careful, I can be locked in there till the memory finishes playing out. 

Somehow, I have been able to use this to my advantage when I write. I can still see, hear, smell, and feel everything like its happening right now. I found whether its a good or bad memory, I can dive back into them, experience them again, and be able to convert them into stories later. It's been a hell of a ride.

To me, being able to do that brings the stories I write even more to life. I know I have a long way to go with descriptions, grammar, and all of that, but at least I got it written and I am satisfied knowing that in some way, I am also healing past wounds and coming to acceptance with unfinished thoughts and feelings.

Part of me hopes that as I share my stories, that it will help others in some way. The idea that it might inspire someone to write their own life stories or change their life positively because of what they read, makes me feel good.

I have always aspired to be like the Heroes in the Books, Comics, and in History. Do what you feel is right, be yourself, and never give up. These ideals and morals have kept me going all my life. Because of them, I feel I have done things that were extraordinary, which made a difference and that saved lives.

It's time to remember more good things than bad. I can't wait to fill up that part of my Table of Contents.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (08/28/26) - 🌸🪽 CHOCOLATE KILLS, Silently shaking as he watches, Welcome back,, NyaTenshi!!!! 💐🐲

1 Upvotes

16!!

11/28/23 - 11/15/24

15 & 16
2nd semester 10th grade! 
And 1st semester 11th! (I feel old now ˙◠˙)
2nd journal!
Nuh-uh! No peeking!

X

 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

X

2:49pm    [mon]    11/4/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

  1. Soooo last Friday we had a casual circle time in AVID! One of the Q’s was “Harry potter gives you his magic wand. What do you do with it?” So once it was my turn to talk, I say, “Give myself a high school diploma and [doing something very clearly related to being traumatized. It was positive but still lol].” and I wouldn’t believe me if I [wasn’t the one who experienced this], but everyone in the circle actually clapped for me! It made me feel pretty good about myself especially considering I’m a loser in AVID (no buddies to hang with :( ) I told Sabrina and she was like, “You could really turn this into a career and be a hero!” I’d like that :) 

Random memories I want to write down:

  1. Once me and sibling were sitting at the table eating nutella sandwiches when storm comes over and sneaks a bite of Cecil’s sandwich because we were like, seven years old, so they had their sandwich in a really vulnerable position. Anyway,, I remember we both started crying and panicking because neutella is chocolate and chocolate kills dogs! I remember dad trying to reassure us that that wasn’t true (I think [he did it] half-heartedly though)
  2. I don’t think I ever mentioned the 2023 Florida Trip… I don’t remember much except that it was a mess! I remember me, Cecil, and 2 cousins I think were all cramped into one of the sets of seats in a van because there wasn’t enough room otherwise. Ooh we stopped at a mcdonalds during the trip, there were several arguments in that cramped van (few, if any, had me & Cecil involved in them), I loved to sit out on the patio at night, me and aunt S slept in a bed together and I enjoyed the cartoon channels on the hotel’s TV, I rode on a total of ONE ride (we were having this trip in the 1st place to head to universal) and I only rode that one because grandma realized [I hadn’t gone on any rides at all] and wanted her monies worth I guess. Valid. 

One of the worst things is!!! Aunt S had a jar of weed and showed it off to L and newly discovered cousin F. I saw this happen… Aunt then says, “wanna try it?” or something like that… we were all heading outside to roast marshmallows so I kept my distance from them but I kept my eye on them too. They ended up taking a puff while my head was turned and I figured they’d done it when they started to walk in my direction giggling and whatnot. What happened next is fuzzy… I tell newly discovered male cousin and Cecil about it. I think he gets mad and all three of us head to the arcade! We later tell the adults I think? 

Or they find out themselves somehow. Either way, there is an argument between the adults and L and F have to tell their parents what happened over the phone. Oh and I remember this other in-hotel argument! Basically CD was bouncing his ball indoors and Aunt S is like, “Cut that out!” and he doesn’t listen. Eventually she slaps him and they start yelling, screaming, the works. I remember the other suite (it was a double suite) was locked to keep her out and she hit the door so hard the lock broke! 0.0 anyway, this is the same night dad has me panicking on the patio over the phone and he eventually hears about the argument and tries to involve himself by threatening CD I think? (“If I were there I’d have knocked you out talking to my sister like that). Sooooo yah! This is getting kinda long… so… cya!

08/28/26
Ahhh… reading that first one is… 😬 I don’t think I was unaware of how I came off... Especially bc I remember wearing my “[..]” hoodie that day. Double whammy. …in front of a bunch of people who weren’t even my friends… jeez. How did I not realize how WEIRD MY BEHAVIOR WAS AHHHHH

I wonder if I remembered number 2 so well because I remember feeling so pissed off at dad for not taking Storm to the hospital immediately 😂 I remember we were both in so much distress that we both got on the floor,, tear stained cheeks and all,, and began hugging the dog and just HOPING she’d live another day. She was fine 🤭

AHHH OMG the florida trip van… I remember hating sitting in it bc it smelled like SALIVA which is one of my least favorite things on this planet! It was distressing at times probably. I remember we all were touching thighs in it too! There was just NO ROOM! I remember throughology enjoying the ride though :) I love long car rides! Especially night time ones! Florida was 18 hours away so I had plenty of that. Ahh…. it was so relaxing… well. Except for all those arguments. Those ranged from entertaining to being a bit stressful to witness. I think I remember someone getting really upset and throwing something at someone? It was certainly… interesting being cramped in a van together that long… 🫩

AND THE WEED. I definitely still stand by my position on the matter. I felt it was WEIRD that a 30 yr old was offering a 12 and 14 yr old weed then (especially without parents even being aware???????) and i still do now. Wtf were you thinking???? 😭 I remember being VERY FREAKED OUT when I realized they’d puffed. 

AND OMG I REMEMBER THE BALL-INCIDENT. I WAS SO SCARED SEEING HER GET SO ANGRY THAT SHE STARTED KICKING THE DOOR DOWN. I remember watching some of this go down up until she kicked the door and broke the lock I think? It scared me… :( I did find dad trying to force himself into the situation over the phone funny though. Like,, you’re over 150 miles away from us rn. Why would anybody be listening to you when you aren’t physically in the room? 😂 I get that he wanted to defend his sister. But I remember thinking it was hilarious bc he was powerless for once but tried to act like he wasn’t. Haha :) 

Ah. yes. I don’t think I have an entry detailing the one and only panic attack that I’ve ever had (to my knowledge anyway??) so I’ll put something here for future reference I guess (✿❛◡❛) 

BASICALLY we had me cooking a meal. But I’m ARFID-AFFLICTED and the pot I used to cook it was unfamiliar so it was already stressful enough having to clean it exactly 18 times in order to be able to actually cook the food without worrying about my safety. The stress was compounded further when I was struggling to figure out how to EAT the food. I was too stressed out at the idea of eating off an unfamiliar hotel-plate… so I refused to. I think I decided to just eat out of the pot directly with a plastic fork? Hard to recall. Anyway Aunt P comes along and is annoyed by my behavior (as I’m sure most of my stupid family is 🙄) and she starts asking questions. Idk what was said exactly. This was 3 years ago! 😂 BUT we eventually get to talking about how she thinks I’m autistic or something??? 

So I’m like,, “Oh! Well,, I’m not. Wanna know how I know? Dad once told me he got me & Cecil tested when we were very young. Let’s call dad and see if I’m right! :D” Big mistake </3 we explain the situation. And he’s like,, “um. Well,, no I don’t remember that actually. But what’s this about not eating off the plate?” and from there it all went to hell 🫩 I don’t remember exactly what happened but I think he started pressuring me to eat off it and stop “making problems for other people” or whatever? I tried to get away from him bc whatever he was saying was so stressful for me that I ended up SOBBING and so I go out to the patio. 

I couldn’t get away from him though… ‘Cause, like, do what? Hang up the phone? I’m a kid. He’s my dad. Thats not gonna work :I He kept asking what was wrong… but I felt cornered and unable to say ANYTHING that would get him to stop constantly asking me what was wrong. Like are you stupid?????? 😭 he already knew I had these “strange food habits”. Pushing me to go against them was when you saw me enter a state of distress. Can you not connect the dots????? 🙄 ANYWAY. He kinda just sits there in silence over the phone. It was a video call so he was able to watch me cry for a bit. The longer we sit in silence,, the more I feel my limbs go numb and my panic rise. I hated every second of it :/ and I hate him </3

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
4:04pm   [thurs]   8/27/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Not much that we got up to today… we mostly just had me bedrotting bc we were feeling blendy for most of the day :/ I did notice that at school,, I felt like I was ACTUALLY able to learn something!!! I… definitely didn't retain anything… >.> but the panic and foggy brain stuff was not nearly as debilitating. I figured it was due to biological psychology having significantly LESS people in it than human development class. Human development is absolutely PACKED. Every row and chair filled with strangers and nothing familiar. Bio psychology has strangers spaced out and we definitely don't have enough people to have every seat filled. Just something I noticed :)

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
10:39am   [fri]   8/28/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

This morning,, when we were awake at 2am,, I was about to drift off to sleeeeep… when suddenly Little bird starts trying to open the closet! I watch her to see if she can. She could :( so I had to get up and try to figure out how to rearrange things so she can’t get inside (bc she’ll pee in there :/). I just can’t get it RIGHT though AHHHHH. It took probably about 15 minutes before I gave up and decided to rearrange the whole closet. In my frustration I broke the closet door 😂 so I gave up and just decided to move things around in such a way that made it hard for her to find any fabric she could reach to urinate on. I was RAGING THOUGH as I was doing this… bc its 2am!!!! WE HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!! Until I think… Cecil? Reminded me it was Friday? Or Nya. someone did. And I checked my schedule and I felt all the dread leave my body… phew… I… Idk what I would’ve done if I had school today. I think my brain would have short circuited </3 thank god for friday omfg.

[//sui]

Junk!Drawer!

[...]
Journal #13!
05/29/26 - 08/6/26

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Tea for Two'
10:12am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Nothin’ :3

I got to hear Tenshi’s voice again. I’m pretty confident its her, I checked (bodily responces and whatnot) they’re pretty upset with me, yeah… just resentment over the [trauma]. But they say they know it isn’t really my fault… but ofc they’re obviously still angry. We both are. And I can see why they’d be so quick to blame me. Their first few months of life were filled with our shared torture. And they couldn’t really do much to stop it except watch me [deal with it] time and time again. I get that. And I’m not upset that they feel that way, either.
Um.. apparently they oscillate between the ages of two and 32. And their form is different, too. They go from looking just as I remember when they first took ownership of their form (the cute blue furry protogen), to what appears to be a grown white woman with black, straight hair. I can tell, however, that they don’t really hold much ill will towards me… we’re both just upset. And they’re probably directing it towards me bc they’ve had no voice for so long and have just seen me doing whatever for the past 5 years. So yeah. Sorry, Tenshi

Are you feeling split from yourself? They seem to act different when their form is the furry
Yes
“Are you two?”
“Yes :)”
“So, when you change into this form, you’re two?”
“Yeah :D”
“Are you sure you’re two?”
“I might be five :)”
“Age regression?”
“Yeah”
“So you’re just like me?”
“I’m just like you :)”
[...]
32-
“We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t we?”
“Yeah…”
“I’m scared…”
“Me too…”
[...]
Tenshi - 
“My protegen form is called Tenshi. But my 32 yr old form is Azealia.”
“Is this some sort of ploy? 😂” (cause that name tends to hurt my head)
“Noooo :3 Oh, I hadn’t realized it hurt your head… want me to change it?”
“No,,, you’re fine, kiddo”
I somehow got the sense that Azealia’s age had changed again. To age 12.
“That happens all the time?”
“Yeah, I change alot”
“Is that exhausting?”
“Kinda”
“Does it disrupt your sense of self, you think?”
“Defnitly”
[...]
“I feel 13 now.”
“I remember you mentioned feeling suicidal earlier…”
“Yeah, but I’m just like you. I’m okay. I’m not going to hurt myself. Like, its passive.”
[...]
“Yeah my mood swings around very fast. I’m, like, unstable.”
“I kinda noticed that…”
“Heh…” 
[...]
“We’re gonna work together to be a happy system, okay?”
“Okay..”
“Do you think you’d ever be open to us having more members ever?”
“Yes. maybe. No. its just a scary thought, yknow? Meeting new people… and the other thing.” 
[...]
“I’m interested in electrical engineering. I don’t really know what it is about it. But I just am. The thought of it is just cool.”
[...]
“I want to live and I want to experience”
“Okay :))”
“Thank you for coming back”
“Thank you for bringing me back”
<3

08/28/26
WOW. this makes me cringe 🤭 I mean… I get it,, I guess… I was stuck with that resentment bc I got locked away as a CHILD and never got to move past it bc I’d been stuck in water-HELL for years. So… I guess that makes sense. But wow. Not the victim blaming,, ew 😭 I remmeber that didn’t last for very long tough so we’re good there :) ah… and I wanted to fucking die bc I was sick of being in fish pergatory. It was just a horrible 4 yrs :( 

*AND OMFG I* ***HATED*** *HOW UNSTABLE AGE SLIDING INVOLUNTARILY LIKE THAT MADE ME FEEL >﹏<I had… idk. I was just so confused all the time. And very angry. How could you not be when your age,, something thats a pretty big piece of who you are and how you think,, changes with zero warning?? 😭 UGH I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that stuff anymore. I’m honestly shocked how quickly we went back to being old pals like that four year hiatus never happened lmao. Glad it did :) Glad I came back when I did,, too… god,, waking up to her suicidal thoughts or rumination cycles while still locked up was… 😬 it was so scary bc I couldn’t TALK. I’m so glad that I can now though. JOY to the end of my prison sentence!!! 🥂*

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲9:06am
08/28/26
We opened Crenshaw up again!!! And I WAS EXCITED!!!! :) except… 2 or 3 pages in,, the headaches came back… :( Delilah was happy seeing me so happy but I don’t want to hurt her head by being around and its also exhausting for me when that happens so we gotta take a break… um. Idk. she considered looking it up,, but we all kinda figure that the only thing that will pop up is going to be about head pressure and then no helpful tips. Idk… perhaps we can give that a go later. Hope this stuff stops soon… but hey!!! This tells me that these two definitely DO like me!! Thanks,, guys!!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: ♥️

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: <3


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (08/28/26) - 💐🐲 ALL WE ACCOMPLISHED IS SOMETHING WE ALREADY WERE CAPABLE OF DOING 🌔 / slippery slope + ♪ Melomaniac right out of the dust-cloud ♪

2 Upvotes

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:30am

08/28/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OKAY we did a quick switching attempt a couple minutes ago! Except… neither of our hearts were really in it… -w- neither of us FELT like doing it. But we’re both aware of how critical this situation is gonna get soon with her slowly becoming less and less able to be considered a functional person in society (seemingly,, anyway). So we both sighed heavily and gave it a go. We were both pretty sloppy with it though lol. ‘Lilah didn’t really let go FULLY and I didn’t really push for control 100% either. Maybe like 75% control? If even that lmao. Well. anyway. Something definitely DID happen. I think I was in control for like 2 seconds before she accidentally took it back. I didn’t miss the opportunity to swirl the eyes around though 🤭 good sign was she didn’t feel me doing that! So theres that! Disappointing we didn’t switch properly. But I guess thats normal. People don’t tend to have proficiency in a skill they haven’t kept up with immediately. ESPECIALLY not when both of the people involved didn’t put their all into it 😂 what we were left with,, however was my train of thought becoming dominant :) we could tell bc we left ♪ DON'T WORRY CLAIRE playing and when we both came-to after she took back control,, she couldn’t hear herself think much. 

Or me lol but thats bc of the thought barriers. Anyway the biggest tell-tale sign is BEFORE we practiced,, we had me singing the song and her reading websites. Except I wasn’t great at it bc I struggled to remember the lyrics. We let me look at the lyrics and sing along a bit before we both finally decided to commit to half-assing a practice session. And AFTER practicing,, I could remember the lyrics a hell of a lot better than when she was dominant thinker :) so… technically we switched. This is eclipsing. But it’s nothing significant I guess. Its a form of soft switching. As in,, something we can already do. So it’s the most fucking boring outcome we could end up with 🫩✌️ although… now that I think about it… failed switches DO carry risk. So. perhaps we shouldn’t toy around with our wellbeing like this… idk. Slippery slope as the reason we did this at all was bc I’m worried for our wellbeing already 💔 I hate it here </3

OH and recently ‘Lilah was wondering why I love music so much. I wasn’t sure my damn self 😂 so we did some THINKING. And we’re pretty sure it’s bc I was RAISED WITH IT! Indeed! Listening to music,, new or old was a very common forcing technique she used with me. Aw… thats so adorable now that I think about it… 🥹 I remember one of my favorite baby-songs was a song called つくる世界  

AHHHH I remember we both listened to that song SO MUCH 😭 Hmm.. another CLASSIC BABY-SONG IS LE FESTIN ♥️ I think she’d hang out with me in mindscape with music playing as well. Haha well no wonder I love singing and dancing! 😂 I was exposed to it so much and so often that it would be strange if I didn’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joy to music! Joy to dance! :D 

--------------------------------

What happens if you fail to switch?

If a switch does not go through entirely, a few things can happen. The first thing that could happen and the most likely: nothing happens. The two wanting to switch do not switch and that is all. Second and less likely to occur is accidental blending, which may make it challenging to tell who is who until the parties become separate again. Co-fronting may happen if the host fails to leave front, but the tulpa becomes associated with the body’s senses. And the fourth and certainly the most unlikely is accidental fusion in the form of an incomplete switch, thus accidentally creating a fusion.

-----------------------------------------------------

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

1:27am
08/28/26

I think doctor mike might be m y idol!! (☆▽☆) or atleast my favorite youtuber :0 he’s so COOL. and!! And he’s a friggin’ DOCTOR!! How cool is that?! I think I still want to be a doctor :) just… idk how I could be… with all the gross things doctors have to deal with. It’d be a real learning curve I think. Idk.

I want to be part of Delilah & Nya’s world more though… I wish I could be present more often… I think the problem is my inability to be present all the time (even when I CAN I end up causing everyone to suffer from a headache at times… so I can’t stay….) and I can’t readily access anyone’s memories beyond a very small pool of things :I um. Idk. so I guess it feels like they have fun without me 24/7. Obviously not. But with host’s brain lacking memory retention already,, all I usually get to see is them having a ball without me :( makes me sad… I was sad earlier…

so ‘lilah wanted to help me feel better and have us all hang out! EXCITING! …but then she started getting distracted… and it was hard for her to focus on helping me finish this journal entry… or even pick the activity… for some reason,, its triggering a stress avoidance response… if I had to guess,, its bc I’m basically still a stranger and Delilah “wasn’t socialized enough as a puppy” (as Nya & her like to phrase it lmaooooo) so she has no idea how to make friends. Or how to deal with stress. So… instead of her brain just letting her spend time with me,, her brain demands she runs away from it :/ its not her fault but it does kinda hurt… if it wasn’t for the Crenshaw success from earlier today I would probably not be taking it as easy as I am rn. Ugh. stupid PTSD :(


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (08/27/26) Connection and belonging or enjoying solitude?

1 Upvotes

I'm in my late twenties, living as a dog-walker in a big city. The money and perks have been surprisingly good. Enough so that I'm getting to be comfortable seeing myself doing this into retirement. I am quite lucky.

Yet I feel so out of place.

Any of my peers not too financially strained to pursue hobbies and explore themselves seem to fall into two categories. Either they're college-educated and holding (what I regard as) esteemed, respected jobs or their parents basically just take care of everything for them, or a mix of both.

I landed in this weird spot. I built what I have over years of obsessing at the potential, budgeting, meal planning, etc. (Dare I say working hard?)

But I missed out on much of the intellectual and social challenges of upper education. I stopped being in this position where it was so necessary to use my mind as well as work with and compare my development to the people around me. To really push myself in ways that a healthy young adult I think ought to.

Then again, I have been out and about in this world all these years and feel so much more in touch with worldly things then those I know who've more entirely taken the back seat. Those who seem to fear the outside world more then the thought of being trapped in their cocoon and missing the opportunity to realize their potential / who they really are.

I always want to try new things and go new places. I feel ambitious and in love with discovering but I just don't feel good enough, knowledgeable enough, or respectable enough at time for anyone I see pursuing the same things as me. I'm behind but not far enough to groove with the drop outs.

Then again this theory about diverging from the upper education path being the cause for not fitting in? It's just one part of it.

I've always been eccentric or quiet, overly enthusiastic or kind of a bummer. Never passionate or disciplined enough about any one thing to consistently make friends through it. Averse to any sense of competition in jobs, school, amongst friends etc. I was always getting into trouble growing up even though things at home weren't really bad.

I've had good friends, Ive had lasting relationships. I love those memories and wish I could go back and do them better.

So I'm kind of weird, kind of a loser, and kind of boring (in that I can't connect deeply with you about any of your interests because I just don't care to think about any one thing that long). As I get older, the wedge that this is creating between me and the general public seems to grow.

I've landed where I have because of who I am.

And so what? Shouldn't I be able to have some years of just focusing on myself and not feel like Im wasting my life and my chance for normalcy?

I want more often and more thoroughly to be content on my own. To romanticize independence as much as I romanticize finding another good partner or finding closer friends (to sometimes obsessive detriment)

I think maybe this is naturally happening. I'm excited at the thought that it is. And that one day (after I've finally stopped looking and worrying) I'll start running into other people who've gone through the same journey. One day finally feel like I relate and belong again.

I understand that to some degree we're all alone in this world. We all probably go through periods where we feel that, for this or that reason, no one fully gets us. But I remember different. I remember powerful bonds and love and feeling like as long as I stuck with certain people things would be ok.

I threw it away. Not just me. Hopefully I wont next time.


r/DiaryOfARedditor 4d ago

Real [Real] (08/26/26) - The many GREAT cat spell castings of 2019 and the modern-day cat spell battle 🐈, singing and dancing party + Flip those pages!!! 🐦‍⬛👑

1 Upvotes

Mmmm…. OKAY so this is from the doc where I brought Diary entries into a story format. So the events come from journal 8 but it has been re-written to be in more a story format. …bc I can use this to easily convert it into the book later on (✿❛◡❛) but ALSO for fun and sharing with friends! :D anyway,, me figuring out I’m a Copinglinker made me think of this story so I had to share lmaoooo

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

Pre high school lore (2019-ish) + 11th grade 

Cat spell and the cat spell battle (8/29/25)

Younger Delilah wanted desperately to become A CAT but she didn't know how. Until she stumbled upon youtube’s spell community. There she learned many things like that you can
chant your way into growing wings, for example, or spawning a dragon egg. But most
importantly, she learned that transforming into a feline was now a reality. With that in mind, she
began to research and found the transformation community who educated her on the potential
dangers of transforming (like how transforming will break your bones) and so she did not make
this decision lightly...

Fast forward to high school, Delilah decides to expose herself and tell her friends about
her journey to become a cat. First up was Sabrina C!
“Sabrina C, guess what!”
“What?”
“When I was younger, I tried to transform into a cat through spells on youtube (✿❛◡❛)  ”
“What!!!” she says between laughs. “Don’t repeat that to anyone!”

At first I wasn’t sure why she advised me NOT to go around saying it to other people but her
reaction was so funny that I needed to spread the joy So I immediately tell Juno and Rosey! They also found it very amusing so I BLESSED THEM with more stories of my history with the online transformation community. I told them about when I tried dog spells and would try to brute force my way into transforming by essentially method acting. I’d run around on my hands and knees on the backs of the couches. But it never worked... Then I told them about when I used to try to transform and then check my hands to see if any fur was sprouting and Juno went RED with laughter at this :) On our way to class, I delivered the best piece of cat-spell-history yet... I turned to Rosey and told her “Yeah, around that same age as all the other stuff, I actually was afraid GOD would kill me because mom once mentioned to me that it was against Christianity to do spells because it was witchcraft ” 

“WHAT!!!” she immediately fell onto the handrails of the portables and became RED with
laughter. “DID YOU THINK HE WAS GONNA LIKE, SEND LIGHTENING BOLTS FROM
HEAVEN TO KILL YOU OR SOMETHING WTH?!” This also makes ME laugh so I also start
laughing so hard I can’t breathe. It was even funnier because I said this right before she entered
her classroom so I just imagined she had to, like, stagger into class after that and recover.

In 7th period, me, Rosey, Juno, and [Acquaintance]  are all together again! So I bring up my
transformation journey again and take Rosey & Juno on a deep dive! As in, we go and actively
explore the spells youtube has to offer :) I turned my computer in Rosey’s direction and [Acquaintance] ends up seeing it so Rosey immediately spins it back towards me in embarrassment. [Acquaintance]  asks what it was and this was just an opportunity too good to pass up

So since we were using a google doc to talk with [Acquaintance] already ([Acquaintance] is deaf so we used google docs to communicate or other forms of text or writing), I take the initiative and answer her question first. “Oh, Rosey was looking spells to become a cat.” Then it devolved into a BATTLE, Rosey fighting to defend against my claims that she’s desperate enough to use Youtube spells to transform into a cat and protect her reputation, me trying to pretend Rosey was the one who tried to transform in 2019 and not me. I went as far as to tell [Acquaintance]  that ROSEY was the one who thought God was going to murder her. 

It was hilarious and Rosey and I kept deleting things so quickly to try to get our own arguments in [Acquaintance] ’s face that [Acquaintance]  barely even knew what was going on!
Unfortunately she came out of that situation knowing I was indeed the failed cat
transformation girl 😞 But there was something to lift my mood! I found a dragon spell and I tried to get Rosey to do it which didn’t work... buuuut I was able to convince Juno! He did the dragon spell (definitely embarrassed by it tho lmao) but he played along and promised he’d report back if there were any of the side effects the video promised :) Very good day.
(P.s he never ended up transforming. It didn’t work)

Rosey pov: I feel like the fear of getting murdered by a deity is very you-coded. But,
y'know, the fact that you did it on impulse is hilarious because you only considered the
possibility of DEATH as an afterthought instead of as something that should’ve been more
Important.

I knew the youtube spells you pulled up were just TOO STUPID and I would not be
caught on school grounds chanting something dumb trying to become a wild animal. And if I
overheard a conversation like the one you had with Juno talking about growing scales i’d be like,
“Wth?”

I KNEW 100% I would be the winner of the battle from the get-to but I also would like to
believe [Acquaintance]  never actually thought I was in my room as a kid trying to transform into a cat from a youtube video.

Sabrina POV: All I have to stay is stay away from witchcraft, kid! 🤣

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:09pm

08/27/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Tonight has been fun!! :D ‘Lilah played songs for their mom that she hadn’t ever heard before. It was funny bc her mother was busy reading a book and she wasn’t completely paying any attention to the music. So ‘lilah bothered her a ton :) which didn’t really work too well but!!!! It was fun for me and cile (a bit) bc!!! We got to sing and dance!!!! I got to do some split perception!!! And sing and dance in mindscape as well as with the body. Delilah was hesitant to let me sing in front of her mother but eventually she let me and I THOROUGHLY enjoyed myself :) very very fun!!!!! I even got to add music to my playlist!!!!! I’d say… my top 5 favorite songs rn are probablyyyyy…

  1. Intruso!!!!!
  2. Sociopath
  3. Don’t worry claire
  4. Cat dining room table
  5. Who knows

…idk if thats in order or not… but fun fun fun :) 

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

Whooohooooo more PluralPedia!!!!

Parogenic

Parogenic refers to systems or headmates that were created using thought-based or metaphysical means, usually deliberately. 

Variants

Parogen may be used to refer to parogenic headmates in particular.
The process or method of parogenic creation may be referred to as paromancy.

Subliminalgenic

Subliminalgenic or subgenic systems originate through the manifestation and reinforcement of subliminal stimuli. They are essentially a subtype of willogenic systems, emerging through deliberate creation. Typically, these systems form as a means of seeking comfort or as a coping mechanism.
Examples of Subliminalgenic systems include listening to "Get D.I.D" or "Get OSDD" subliminals, as well as affirming or scripting the presence of desired headmates.

Firpergenic

Firpergenic is a -genic term that refers to a system that formed because of imagining oneself as a system, or from referring to themself as multiple (ex: saying "we" even though they're a singlet / don't have a subsystem).

Related Terms

Pseudogenic can be defined as a system created by faking a system to where the system became real.
Imaginagenic systems are formed through imagination play.

Chronogenic

Chronogenic is an origin term referring to those who exist as a result of time travel in some way. For example, if someone talks to their past self internally, causing that past self to experience an alternate timeline and become a headmate of the original, that new headmate could be considered chronogenic.

Belief in time travel as an objective reality is not necessary to use this term. It can be used by those who regard it as simply a function of the imagination.

Birthmate
A birthmate is a type of headmate who's been a part of a system of which has existed since birth or cannot remember when or how they've formed. Typically this'll be an innate system or be protogenic, but not always. The term refers specifically to one of the said type of headmates of which has existed since the body's birth or for as long as anyone in the system can remember, rather than having been developed sometime afterward. Some systems have several headmates since birth, but may also get newer ones later on who, unlike birthmates, were not always there since the beginning of the body's life. This term helps differentiate the first headmates from the newer ones.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: THIS IS ALL SO COOL TO ME (☆▽☆) I didn’t know systems could be made by so many different things!!! I originally thought it was only traumagenic or parogenic systems like us :0 this website really opened my eyes to just how many different system/plurality origins there are????? THIS SOUNDS SO COOL!!! Also… people who believe in time travel exist?? :0 thats a bit of a shock. But pretty cool too! :) Do not understand how Firpergenic or related terms aren’t a form of Paromancy but alright. Subliminalgenic… I’ve seen stuff like that before. Frankly,, I didn’t think those worked. But hey. The more you know,, right? :) AND OMG one reason I like being part of a Tulpamancy system is bc of how COOL the name is. It sounds magical! Paromancy sounds magical too!!!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: So cool!!!!!! 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

4:13pm
08/27/26
WE FINALLY OPENED CRENSHAW!!! AND READ IT!!! we read to page 34 or 36 if I'm remembering correctly (YAY my parallel processing skills are building!!!) And I struggled to stay awake cause I was busy dancing while Lilah was learning and on the drive there 🤭 BUT for the parts that I WAS present for,, I got to play the main character Jackson! :D we're all worried we could accidentally end up with a Crenshaw walk-in… >.> SO we just have one of us playing the characters! AND IT WAS SO FUN! I could somewhat Rifle through memories to figure out what bits of the story I'd missed and overall it was great and can't wait to go at it again!! 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: yeah I played a character too 🤭 overall its a pretty cute story!!! :D it's definitely sad though…lots of talk over  rumbling bellies :( still enjoyable though. No clue why Delilah slept on this book for YEARS on end!!!! 😂 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: ooh I wonder if there's a movie :0 

💐🐑NyaTenshi:  maybe! 

10:50pm
08/27/26
Sometimes I feel like these two don’t like me… but idk. I think its just cause our interests seem to be a bit different so I end up in the background a lot -w- although… it definitely has to do with me being too young to be awake all the time. Yeah :( It makes me sad. I just want to grow up already… sometimes they forget to nudge me awake. Honestly,, they are pretty good about it for the most part. Sometimes to a fault… >.> like I’ll want to sleep but they forget or get super excited about what they’re doing and nudge me awake and its annoying 🤭
…okay… I guess I just talked myself out of my own fear. They like me just fine then right? Right?


r/DiaryOfARedditor 5d ago

Real [real] (27/8/2026):____Day 4/1500____Network+ 1.3 & ____d23__mood:9/10___**

1 Upvotes

Wake Up: 10:57 A.M.

What I have done today:

Read chapter 1.3 network "top down approach"

some review in DS & A

Net Hours of Studying: 195 minutes (62 minute constant concentration)

Yesterday Checklist:

  • First chapter of Book "top down approach" (SOMEHOW)
  • DS & A (SOMEHOW)
  • wake up before 10 A.M. (NO)

Tomorrow goal:

  • wake up before 10:30
  • DS & A review Notes
  • c programming language review & practice
  • Network+ review
  • Notion/Obsidian Notes

    NOTE: do not overestimate what you can do in one day. 3 hours of studying (no lab only studying) takes more effort than you think.