Like joining an abuse program, getting specialized therapy, getting sober, and actually putting In the work to be better, I’m looking for success stories, is there anyone out there who has seen real change?

Hey I was in a relationship of 4 years with someone who I believed was a narcissist. I was 19 years old when we became official and he was 30. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive with manipulation, insults, and gaslighting. He distanced me from my family and made me lose contact with all friends. I was suicidal for lots of the relationship. He did things like hide my birth control and got me pregnant at 19 (resulted in a miscarriage later on), he talked about his ex girlfriend non stop as a daily occurrence always comparing me, devalued me, financially took advantage of me, ruined special holidays like my birthday, the list goes on and on. He knew I had no one and completely isolated me. When things got wrong he would threaten or call the police on me, which resulted in psychiatric ward stays because I told them I was suicidal. The last occurrence was the police had to separate us because it got violent. They sent me to a shelter and there he completely ghosted me. He was unreachable on text but a few days later posting on his Instagram a new girlfriend. When we were together he barely posted me so it also hurt me. Also we didn’t officially end things and he was so quick to post a girlfriend not even a week later. Before in the relationship I did catch him on bumble and when confronted he said it was for making friendships and I got him to delete it. Anyways he was posting her non stop and i eventually lost it. I reached out to her but she blocked me. He never blocked me but I eventually removed him from all my social media. My life really went downhill from there. To cope with the pain I resorted to drugs and made bad friends in the shelter who introduced me to that lifestyle. I never heard from him at all. He never checked on me again

Now almost 4 years later I got a notification on TikTok that he favourited my video. It was an old video. I ignored it. Then recently he liked my video. Again ignored it. Now he liked a video again. My account is public so he can see my posts even without following me. I went on his profile and found out he is now married to the same girl he left me for. What is his intention? Why now after so long? When we were together he never even liked my videos and now years later while married he is?

Is this common for narcissistic people? It’s been so many years. Unfortunately no I’m not over any of the abuse and still get so mad thinking of what I went through. But when I looked at his profile it’s filled with happiness and constant photos of his wife. Is he really happy, or is this a show? And if he is, what changed. If he’s not and he’s treating the same girl this way, why did he marry her and not me? He always knew my biggest dream was to get married. Sorry so many questions. I really thought I moved on but seeing him spam me really brought up a lot of hurt.

Can someone explain this to me? Sorry for the long backstory. I’m just super confused and trying to make sense of this all.

I got sucked back in

In October I got out with the boys and he was coming around things started getting better. I got stuck financially supporting the 2 households couldn’t do it anymore, between 2 households financially, 2 boys with level 3 autism, intellectual disability, global developmental delay, and severe adhd…..so I went crawling with my tail between my legs on June 26. Things have been horrible, he is so mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, controlling and in ways sexually abusive(no doesn’t mean no)….im at my wits end im tired, i work from home as a home bakery, he sits and plays video games, smokes weed and sleeps, i take care of the kids, the dogs, the house, the cooking, the laundry, everything. I work every minute of the day from 5 am til 830-9 pm. I’m tired I need a break, but Im told I don’t deserve it, that I’m treated better then I deserve. Am I wrong for wanting to give up? For being tired? For not wanting intimacy? I can’t do it fully on my own, not if I have to support him financially as well. Daily I’m told I’m a narcissist because I’ve given up on asking for help or depending on him for anything. Am I the narcissist?

I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for just over 5 years. I hold myself accountable for staying in the relationship for as a long as I did , it’s a huge regret I have but I can’t go back in time and change that. I was emotionally abused severely in the relationship and gaslighted constantly but it wasn’t until the relationship ended and I went to therapy that I realised how much my ex abused me as my therapist explained to me the abuse I was put through.

The amount of times my ex would make me doubt my reality is scary how much he tried to play with my mind and it messed me up that even now 2 years later I am still recovering. I used to feel embarrassed to admit that after so long I’m still damaged and healing but I know I’ve nothing to be embarrassed for. When me and my ex broke up , he didn’t say sorry for anything for all the pain he caused , he took no accountability and one of the last things he said to me was “You imagined the whole relationship , we were never together I don’t know what you’re talking about” and he discarded me like I was nothing and that broke me when he said that because a breakup is bad enough but to have the person you invested so much time and care in , tell you that the relationship never happened it hurt so much and I spiralled into a depression. I’d cry every morning. And night , at work I had to hold in the tears but I looked so unwell, I lost weight, I stopped taking care of myself so my hygiene was neglected but I didn’t care.

My hair got matted and instead of bothering to fix it I just had it up in a bun even though my hair was matted in this bun but I was so depressed I didn’t care and it makes me want to cry now thinking about it. As time passed by I slowest started to feel a bit better, my hair is no longer matted and it’s not that I have a bad life but no matter how much progress I’ve made , the hurt my ex put me through is on my mind. All the mind games my ex played on me , the things I never got to say to defend myself , knowing that he moved on with his life with a smug smile on his face while I was deep in depression it’s not fair and I know sometimes life isn’t fair and I accept I will never receive an apology from him but I still get upset about it because it frustrates me.

I understand if anyone reads this and thinks I’m weak for feeling like this after 2 years but I’m so hurt. Another thing is after me and him last spoke , for months afterwards I was finding out awful things he was saying about me , telling people I’m crazy and imagined the whole relationship so that made it hard to heal because it was more hurt piled on top of me. People who we both went to university with had made me aware of what my ex was saying and they showed me support and I’m glad they let me know what he was saying because it made me see how horrible he is and how much of a liar he always will be.

I have found myself replaying conversations with him when he would gaslight me and call me crazy and I imagine myself standing up to him telling him all the pain I’ve felt because of him and the lasting impact he’s had on me , it’s like I crave justice but I know I’ll never get that. I wish more people understood there’s a difference between a normal breakup and being abused by a narcissist , breaking up and then discarded , not given any apology and respect. I feel like my ex rewired my brain I’m not the same person I was before at all , I’m a lot quieter , I’m anti social , I feel numb sometimes and I feel guilty for being the way I am now because I wish I made more effort with people but it’s like I’ve disassociated. I’m not like that all the time , I have been improvements slowly but it’s still a pain I live with everyday

Hello everyone again! This is the second part of my post about narcissists. If you haven't read the first part yet, here is the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/NRelationships/s/Mt7GeUGU8S.

In my first post, I described ways to live and generally handle yourself around a narcissist. In this one, I will describe what happens when you do absolutely everything right!

When you start setting boundaries and stop acting the way you used to, it causes resonance and a massive explosion in a narcissist's head. They constantly need validation of their own importance and an emotional fix. And when they don't get it, the following reactions begin:

1. Ignoring. At this moment, you become a brick wall to them. Although even when they do pay attention, almost nothing changes. In both cases, you are just an object to them, not a living person. In their understanding, even animals are not considered living beings.

(Be glad that you will have a lot of silence, but prepare yourself mentally that after this, point two is most likely to happen if you don't come to apologize on your knees, which you absolutely must not do!)

1. A lot of aggression and insults. It follows that you will be insulted for everything in double format, even if you did nothing. Plus, they will project their behavior onto you.

(For example: "You should have some humanity! You are an egoist! You can't even say a kind word!" — while listening to this, just mentally repeat to yourself that "These are his/her thoughts and emotions, not mine").

1. Strange actions. Yes, they will do highly illogical and even funny things.

(For example, they might throw something into your room if the door is open, while they themselves won't come near the door, resulting in actions of some kind of poltergeist. Things will fly! Cabinets will open, dishes will smash!)

Addition: Try to mentally joke in the style of "What a circus show!", "What a poor opera performance today!", "Wow, everything is flying like in Hogwarts, I didn't know I got accepted there".

(The main thing here is to suppress your laughter and smile, remember the rule from point 4 of the 1st post).

1. Incoherent words will flow from their mouths. If you stand your ground and do not give in under their pressure, they will use words that they don't use in everyday life. When you hear this, you will understand, because even I cannot reproduce such things.

2. Even after what seems like a peaceful agreement between you (in the narcissist's opinion, of course), they will test you, always.

3. A narcissist never changes, but they very confidently put on masks of being "good" and "understanding" if, after a major fight where they dragged you through the mud, they suddenly start saying, "I understand how much it hurts you!", "Oh come on, why aren't you sharing, I really want to understand". Don't buy it! Don't be fooled, because this is how a narcissist tries to lull your vigilance, and everything will start all over again for you in the first place. If you can build a core inside yourself, no one will ever be able to shake you again.

4. Spies may appear — other people to whom the narcissist has been talking about how "bad" you are. (At the same time, the narcissist themselves can say to your face: "I have never told anyone anything bad about you"). And people will also test you, with possibly the same questions that you have already heard.

Important note: When a person is absolutely sane, respectful, and understanding — no matter whether they are a friend, a family member, or anyone else — they will never try to solve issues through shouting or insults! They will always sit down with you and talk quietly. They will also hear your "No", "I don't want to", and your wishes. Personal boundaries will never be violated.

Yes, the narcissist will increase their pressure on you, but this does not mean that you should give up and allow them to do what they want, not you. Each of us came into this world to live our lives the way we want and to live the moments that live in our hearts. If you can stand your ground with a narcissist while living together, it will be a very good experience for your future life with other people, but even if you chose to leave, that is also absolutely normal. Everyone acts as they see fit. And I am proud of each of you! ✨

I removed bits and pieces for anonymity purposes-

First and foremost, I want to apologize for my part in our recent interactions. I should have never approached you and you were right- I was trying to force a conversation with you- regardless of my reasoning, I should have respected your boundary.

I was deeply hurt by your behavior towards me. It hurt me so badly and made me realize that I was never your preference.

You were so mean to me those first two years of us knowing each other. Regardless of your reasoning, you could have made a different decision in how you chose to handle me; you could’ve let me go, you could’ve walked away. Instead you chose to use me as you deemed fit. There were no dates, no concerts, no fancy steakhouses, no flowers, no balloons, no exchanging of rings, no “I love you” in the first 3 months of me knowing you. Instead there was confusion, heartbreak, disappointment, nasty sex, lack of communication, and you choosing to distance yourself from me without talking to me first. One minute you were sweet and warm, the next you were cold and distant. I could never figure you out and I wanted to because I really cared for you.

You blame me for your behavior towards me when really, you are the one that is responsible for your actions. You think I’m spiraling because you moved on? No, I’m hurting because I realized you never wanted me in the beginning; you had a preference and I wasn’t it. I was something to fuck, to play with, and toss away; you never meant to take me seriously.

I’m spiraling because I’m questioning what we had due to your swift change in behavior towards me. You told me you were in love with and loved another person and didn’t want to see me anymore on the same day you told me you loved me for the first time SEVEN YEARS AGO. Yes, it hurt to hear it and yes it hurts to know that you are that indifferent towards me. You won’t apologize for it as you claim you didn’t do it intentionally, but you don’t even know that date. Something that meant so much to me meant nothing to you.

I know I pushed you away at times. I know I didn’t always give you what you wanted. I know I hurt you. I know there were things I should have handled differently, but I have always loved you. My mistakes do not erase that. They also don’t give you permission to rewrite me as the sole villain in our history.

I never made those mistakes again in spite of you treating me as such.

A mistake I made 4 years ago should not be the reason for your choices in the past three months. It should not excuse your actions. I was wrong then and you are wrong now.

I wonder how you thought this would end. How long were you to continue engaging me and another person simultaneously? I wish you would’ve told me straight up that you were with someone else back in May. I could’ve respected your honesty and tried to let you go even though I told you I wanted us to be together. I wanted you to stay and fight with me for us, not walk away and shut down like you always do, like you are doing now.

You told me you were thinking of me, you loved me, you wanted to be with me every single day before and after the passing of my father, but you were falling for someone else during that time. YOU promised me YOU WOULD BE THERE. Being there is more than a text or a phone call. Being there is spending time, offering support, not being distant and pushing me to the side for someone else. You were halfway in and halfway out of the door. I didn’t need you in my life that way. You should’ve left me alone completely. Now I’m questioning everything we had, I’m seeing you in a way I never wanted to see you and I’m gaining an understanding that I can never forget.

You always held me to a different standard than you held yourself to. You wanted me confined to the emotional and physical constraints of a relationship although we were not official. You’ve always treated me this way. That is why your excuse for us not being together during the time you decided to pursue someone else is null and void. I had to adhere to the rules of a relationship without an actual relationship and if I did not, I was punished with silence and distance. It was emotionally immature, childish, and selfish. Meanwhile, you thought you could do whatever you wanted . Love is not control. Love, in its purest form, is admiration and consideration. Your consideration of me extended to my perception of you. It was always about how you felt, what you wanted, and what hurt you. My thoughts and feelings were cast aside repeatedly in favor of your own. If you could leave me during the worst time of my life, if you could lie to me and lead me on, if you could mistreat me and talk to me cruelly,

You.
Don’t.
Deserve.
Me.

You often told me that trust is our biggest issue, that you could never trust me. Now, I can’t trust you either. In fact, I never could trust you to take care of my heart. It was not a safe space.

Yes I loved you and yes I love you still. I will probably always love you, but now I know where we stand.

We are no good for each other. Relationships are hard. Love is rarely easy, but two people have to be willing to put in the work. You never were. You thought your presence was enough, but it wasn’t. You blamed me for everything that was wrong in our relationship. You made sure to tell me that the success or failure of our relationship rested on my shoulders. You evaded accountability and often compared me to others as a way to maintain control over me and the situation. As a way to chip away at my self esteem and shift the focus from your behavior to my character. You are so insecure that you resort to manipulative tactics to ensure I will always be emotionally attached to you. You told me that maybe we will get back together IF I CHANGE. You single-handedly decided that I still need to prove myself to you, that you are the one in a position of power to dictate whether we do or do not get back together.

I am telling you now, that is not up to you. You don’t get to dictate what happens. A healthy relationship dynamic requires the effort of both parties-not just one. I allowed you to get away with mistreating me for so long. You now believe that your actions have no consequences.

I don’t want to be with you. You are no good for me. You will never change but you expect me to change. You could never provide the emotional security I need in my partner. You are selfish, stubborn, cruel, and inconsiderate. I can no longer pursue a man that does not respect me. There is no chance for reconciliation. I’ve had enough. I am done.

You are out of line for pursuing this young girl. Watching you pursue someone that young has fundamentally changed how I see you. I don’t respect your choice and it has made me further question your morality as a man. I feel like I don’t know you at all. You are a walking talking contradiction.

You broke my heart. You broke parts of me that will never be fixed. I feel stupid, I feel regret, and I feel shame. Shame for still loving you in spite of your recent actions. I know it will take me a while to get over this and I know it won’t be easy, especially in light of the last 2 1/2 months of my life, but I will try.

The gaslighting,
double standards,
entitlement,
lack of accountability,
the isolation,
The control,
The blame shifting,
The talking over me and
The yelling

Ends Now.

I am choosing myself. If the loss of my emotional wellbeing, safety, and sanity is the tradeoff I will make for being with you, I don’t want you.

If it’s me or you, I am choosing me every time. I didn’t in the past, but I’m choosing me now.

You will never read this letter because you don’t deserve to know a single one of my thoughts or my feelings towards you ever again.

With love, contempt, disdain, and disappointment,

She told my parents the secrets i had with her . As revenge for moving on and having a new girlfriend.

Any ideas on revenge!

i've been mistreated, humilliated and put down by my narc ex several times.

indeed one time he said 'if you weren't so delicate i'd hit you, you're lucky'

he has criticized his friends and family infront of me several times. i have recorded audios of him insulting me and telling me to stop eating to become prettier because 'there's always someone younger and more beautiful out there'

what should i do guys? should i ruin his life?

I held on tight for so long I hoped we could turn it around! It's gone.

I endured a year and a half of abuse from my narc. It was emotional and financial abuse. The pattern would be- lovebomb- request money- devalue - discard, and that was whether their requests were granted or not.
I was ghosted, made to feel like garbage, drained financially and emotionally. Nothing I ever did was enough, there never was a moment of gratitude for everything I gave, it was just demand after demand after demand. At the beginning there were good times and he was cute and sweet. The mask slipped soon enough though.
Soon he also showed intense jealousy and was constantly accusing me of cheating or even talking to other men.
Last week was the very end for me. He called me up and demanded £1000 off me and I just said no. He started his normal bullying pattern of “ oh you don’t trust me!” Trying to make me look like the bad one. This time I snapped back ‘YOURE DAMN RIGHT I DONT TRUST YOU”. He begged and begged for a last chance but I said no. He ended up screaming at me down the phone at me then slamming it down.
The thing is, he has ghosted me so many times that I don’t actually feel any sadness right now. I don’t really understand how I feel right now.
I feel strangely empty.
Someone help me make sense of it all!

Hey all,

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

this is what my narc ex used to tell me when i went up 2-5 pounds after having major surgery and not being able to go to the gym

Not here to judge anyone’s decision, but genuinely curious, as I think this is one of those discussions we don’t hear about often, even though so many people do end up staying.

For anyone who stayed for a long time, do you wish you’d left the first time, or are you glad you stayed long enough to know you tried? Basically, if you could go back to the first time you found out, knowing everything you know now, would you still choose to stay? Why or why not?

I’d really appreciate hearing about people’s real experiences, especially from those who are months/years past what happened. Really curious to know what the long term reality looks like once all the emotions, apologies, promises, and initial shock have settled down.