Any genuine reply would be greatly appreciated ❤️‍🔥

I'm in a MFM-V and I'm the hinge. My longer term partner was co-workers/friends with my newer partner first. He introduced us and encouraged us when it was obvious we were compatible. Super compersion wingman energy.

We all live together now. They are still best friends. Their relationship is important too. I find myself using the advice aimed at throuples/triads just as much as what I see focused on Vs. The stuff on hinging feels relevant, but so does the concept of 'It's 4 relationships'.

I 22F came out as queer to my dad. He told me at first that he knew him and my mom cant make me happy and that if I’m happy he’s happy and believes my partners are good people even if he looked so taken aback. I always thought he was more open minded than my mom but…

Then the next day he sat down to talk to me again.

He told me I can’t get any more emotionally attached to my partners (28NB Mexican, 27F) and that it’s okay to have fun but I’m a nice young girl and I don’t belong in that crowd. He told me abt how the rest of the family already sees our family as below average and that he broke his father’s heart hundreds of times by disappointing him. And if people knew abt me being queer, that they would see our family as trash and that would reflect poorly on my parents.

Basically out of all his siblings He’s been the least successful one. He has an inferiority complex and it leaked into mine when I was a child. I felt like I’ve been carrying this complex for so long it made me so guilty and depressed as a child for not being the perfect Asian kid. I quit piano lessons, quit karate, had average grades and was overweight and ugly. The only thing my parents could be proud of was me being well mannered. He told me that everyone else in the family was more successful and had higher mental fortitude so even if the relative was divorced or did something morally bad, it was backed up by their success and family togetherness.

He told me I was crazy and what I’m doing is out of the norm (which yes it is, but I’m happy). He never had a tight leash on me but he just wanted me to be in frame of what he envisioned for me, as in, family oriented and stay close to home for my parents and keeping the family together. He sees my partners as people who would take me away from that vision of marrying a man (specifically Chinese/viet to marry upwards), having kids, and staying near the family.

He also told me what I’m doing is making him see me as not his daughter. He told me he won’t stop me from spending time with my partners but he wants my mom to be happy. As in, going to church, and being at home more, and spending time with her. I’ve been her therapist, friend, emotional support, since i could remember, you really shouldn’t be putting that on a younger child. Me and my mom used to do everything together. My parents also had a rough marriage for most of my life until I was 20.

He told me that if I ever moved out, out of the city, my mom would be empty and sad and spiral until she cant take it anymore, and if she ever found out abt my partners she really cannot take it.

He’s threatening to tell my mom abt it. He told me as long as I distance myself reasonably from my partners (not sleeping over on weekdays) then I could still “have fun” and he won’t tell my mom.

I want to live my own life, I want more. My dad told me he’s content with how his life is rn. Work, nap, yard work, family time and my parents friends poker nights.

I’m in on increasingly thin ice with him. I don’t necessarily love him, nor respect him, we just exist around each other now for my mom’s sake. I love my mom and I feel responsible for her.

I genuinely believe that most people would not care, I’m out to my cousins, most of my friends, and my work friends. And I can’t just live for my parents until they pass in 30 ish years to begin living my life.

How do I move forward? I love my partners and I believe I won’t find anyone like them, I’ve spent the last year and a half learning to love and take care of them and they have been doing the same for me. I feel really alone in this.

Also note: I’ve finished uni and have a full time job.

I am 22 f from india. This throuple concept is not popular here in india. I have recently stepped in such a relationship. Going through the roller coaster ride of emotions, jealousy, and what more. Not a easy thing.

Today I 22F just came out fully to my dad abt my partners. He asked a few questions on how it worked like “do the other two know?” Until I showed him a picture of all three of us.

i asked if it’s any better if it was only one of them I am out with to my mom and he said not necessarily/he didn’t know. Bc one partner is trans and Mexican and the other is cis woman.

something abt me being in young love and He’s scared of other people’s judgments on me and how he’ll have to have me n my mom all talk eventually bc this is big and he knows my mom won’t be happy because I’m different and not honoring those before me.

He told me I was complicated, this situation was complicated. He asked if I could stop seeing them and I said no. He asked if we could just be friends, I said no. I’ve been with them 1 and a half ish years and we’re making plans for the future.

but he knows I’m the same person as I was yesterday and he trusts me abt my partners being good people and wants me to be happy.

he didn’t yell at me, he did look super stressed tho like he had to lie down.

like I’m glad I did it but I feel conflicted for making my dad carry this? Idk

How do I move forward with this as tactfully as possible? I feel my world changing.

Note: my family is catholic, traditional, ASIAN

Especially when all the poly subs on here are so viciously against any form of closed poly it seems impossible to even begin finding community, let alone building or seeking a relationship, and the other side of the coin is too grossly fetishizing and hookup focused to be useful at all

Frankly I'm surprised THIS sub exists at all.

So, advice please? How did some of y'all find your relationships?

Happy PolyFriday, everybody!

Six months ago I wrote an article waging war on the internet’s favorite “Unicorn Hunter” hit piece. Well I’m back on the frontlines again, and this time I’m calling out mainstream polyamory itself. My piece defends the so-called “Unicorn Hunters,” restores agency to the “Unicorns” and everyone wanting a committed relationship dynamic, calls out the Polyamory Purity Police, and says all the quiet parts out loud.

I’m grateful my words are landing with so many of you, even though I wish the circumstances didn’t require it. And I hope it feels a little less lonely knowing there are so many others who are seeing the same pattern and refusing to pretend it’s healthy.

DMs and comments are already saying things like:

* “You literally touched on every point we encountered in the online communities.”

* “SHOUT LOUDER FOR THE POLYAM GATEKEEPERS IN THE BACK JUDGING US!!!!”

* “It’s comforting and sad at the same time that so many people have the same experience.”

* “As always you are spot on. I've grown so tired of community gate keeping cancel culture and cowards trying to gain approval of people who don't know or care about them.

* “I have seen this play out over and over, and it has made me so hesitant to post about our own experiences and ask any questions or seek advice!”

That hesitancy is exactly what the hostile gatekeeping produces. When curiosity is replaced with condemnation, the ENM community doesn’t get “safer,” it just loses the very people who it ✨should✨ be welcoming with open arms!

So, if you’ve been hiding in the shadows, second-guessing whether you’re “ethically allowed” to want (or be in) a committed polycule, or are just tired of watching real people with genuine questions get dogpiled in mainstream poly spaces… you’re not imagining it, and you are NOT the problem, either.

Your experiences, your questions, and your stories are always welcome here. My DMs are always open, too 🥰

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/polyamory-biggest-problem-is-not-unicorn-hunters

If this hit too close to home, hit a nerve, or set something free… please leave a comment!

Lead with love & follow your hearts, not the haters ❤️💙💜

Hello I am a male currently married and now becoming throuple from couple need some advice regarding this , please dm if someone help me

Sorry form my grammar English isn’t my first language!

Me (22M) and my gf (21F) have a pretty progressive relationship like we are not open but we let ourselves experiences things when we can, there’s jealousy and all that but we work it out, I tend to be more sensitive because im more on the overthinking side.

We both have little experience she had before only 1 sexual partner that was her ex, and she is my third sexual experience, we have chemistry there’s been bad patches bcs I’m on antidepressants so I try to push myself to have more libido and is working, we have great sex and great chemistry that was something we were both surprised how compatible we where when we started.

We didn’t try a lot of things but we still experience, the biggest one is probably a threesome, it was a drunk threesome with her bff (21F), my gf after that started watching porn (mainly of threesomes FFM and exploring herself more, Her ex was close minded and also girls have more of a taboo associated with her sexuality

She doubt her sexual preferences since she was a teen, but she never experienced with it, we been together for 3 years and 4 months almost 5

So she has totally freedom with women I know it’s misogynistic but it’s an aspect where I can let her experience and not feel bad about it, i told her that i don’t need to be there that she can have sex if she wanted and that is not something that comes from a place of my own fantasies, it does make me a little bit jealous but it’s not a super big deal, the threesome already made me jealous and I get over it,
I feel it’s like eating food if you don’t give it a honest try a few times then you are just hating without reason

She kissed a few girls but nothing more, the only time it escalated was with the threesome with her bff and she enjoyed it a lot but she feels like both of them were awkward when interacting and maybe a little more experienced would have make it better, her best friend is in the same situation as us, she thinks she likes girls but don’t want to have a tag.

Still since my gf is not up to it again or at least not for now, the threesome was enjoyable but she was left distasteful,
her bff was in a toxic relationship at the time they were nothing official but still she felt guilty, and my ocd was pretty bad so i was scared about ruining their relationship or my own relationship, that made my gf feel guilty because she was the one most sober, I told her that there’s no need to feel guilty (but I’m not the best person to say that it’s pretty hypocritical lol)

That happened in march of 2025, we have situation that were closed to being another threesome with the same girl but for now it didn’t happen again, I also start doubting my sexuality more I still prefer girls by margin but I can see myself having a MFM threesome, she told be about her fantasies, I had the opportunity to kiss boys but I was never into it we go a lot to gay clubs or party’s because we have a lot of queer friends so it’s not something weird.

I feel like I could be attracted to a man but it never happened, like I don’t feel guys that are super feminine are my type but neither the opposite like a red pill loser and I cant visualize having a threesome with any of them

I have some problems with the male gender and self love lol from personal shit, dad cheating on mom, abandonment, all of that so I’m not really trustful of guys in general, I have more girl friends the only guys I have are a little weird like me or from when I was a kid and still we fight from time to time.

It will sound super cringy, I never think about it but some days ago my gf her bff, me and other friend went to see Spider-Man and I could totally fuck with tom holland, my problem is not that the other guy is super masculine and it makes me insecure, I mean it can happen, but it’s the idea of being with an asshole in threesome or one or one.

Like I feel like I could be sexually open with someone like tom holland, yeah I know it sounds like I’m a teenager fantasizing about his famous crush but I mean in the sense that at least from the outside it seems like a genuine man and not some red pill loser, I’m not attracted to super feminine guys also and my gf wouldn’t have a threesome with a feminine guy, but it felt like a revelation

I don’t like to give her o anyone half developed answers just to feel good about myself so i felt guilty when i told my gf that maybe someday i could, but i never find a guy that I could say im into famous or not but i felt it could happen, but after this I understand a little where I come from the same thing happens with Andrew Garfield (yeah I know both Spider-Man’s don’t mention it maybe in reality I’m Spidermansexual or something like that), but I don’t find him attractive like I fuck with the person I feel like he is a genuine guy and that’s what
I was searching. Hey but I don’t fuck with Tobey so it’s not a pattern!

I’m not a closed minded person I could totally see me doing swinging, living in community and all of that I don’t consider myself polyamorous, maybe polyfidelity is more like my cup of tea a closed group of people seems more fun I like noise and people doing things in a house that feels alive or like living in community raising kids together, it feels weird saying this, I’m from South America, probably the least religious country from South America but still it’s something not that normal in here even when the queer movements has weight, importance and acceptance

I don’t know what answers im looking to get maybe I want to know if it make sense what I’m saying or if someone understands where I come from

I'm currently in a polyfidelitous relationship with three other people, and I've been questioning lately whether I actually chose polyamory freely or whether I felt pressured into it by the circumstances.

Originally, all of us were in QPRs. I unexpectedly fell in love with one of my partners, Alex, romantically. I hadn't planned for that to happen, and it created a lot of complications because I still cared deeply about the other people in the relationship and was afraid of losing them but now each one of them felt like they had to be like Alex, which I never asked for because I liked our relationship just the way it was. So our dynamic changed.

When we initially became polyfi, I was happy about it. I was the one that started reading and reading about poly to be a good partner. To the point of burnout, actually lol. Had to be stopped by my therapist. I genuinely liked the idea at the time, so I don't think I can honestly say that I was forced.

However, looking back, I think I may have felt like polyamory was the only way to keep my relationships without excluding anyone, as excluding even one of them would have made them hurt. So even though I technically chose it, I'm wondering whether the circumstances themselves created a kind of pressure.

Things have changed since then. I'm currently experiencing jealousy and tension from Jamie, and it has started making me feel like I can't make autonomous choices without worrying about triggering a negative reaction from them, and that feeling responsible of many people at the same time makes me sick and stressed out. I also feel like I "outperform" everyone and am the only one constistently showing up for everyone.

And this has made me question what I actually want.

If I could make a choice without worrying about anyone's reaction, rejection, or losing anyone, I think I would choose monogamy with Alex. The problem is that Alex isn't monogamous and doesn't want monogamy, so I don't know what to make of that.

I'm not sure whether I was pressured into polyamory, whether I genuinely chose it but simply don't want it anymore, or whether I'm conflating the two.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you distinguish between genuinely choosing polyamory and choosing it because it felt like the only way to avoid losing people you loved?

I think this realization might make me lose everyone.

Edit: bacause I worded it strangely in the post, i want to clarify that poly was decided before me and alex became romantic

I'm a man, and generally consider myself monogamous, but as I've gotten experiences in relationships, I've also become cognizant of the reality that it's unlikely any one person can give another person everything they need.

My partner and I have been thinking about the idea of a closed triad as a potential way to help balance things in our relationship so that everyone is getting more of what they need.

I am diagnosed on the autism spectrum. High functioning and good at masking, but occasionally awkward/inappropriate and frequently oblivious to social cues. I've done several years of work with a therapist to improve on this and it's something I try to get better at every day. I strongly feel that my neurodivergence can't be an excuse for... anything in a relationship, really. "I'm autistic so you have to deal with it" is something I think is inherently unfair.

But... I am. I can't turn it off. And that means even when I'm trying my hardest, I can still miss things or inadvertently hurt my partner's feelings.

I hate this. Words could never express how much I hate upsetting her.

Our relationship is healthy and strong. We're seeing a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent relationships specifically to make sure we can always communicate with each other and build a common language.

But being with someone like me is hard. I know it is. And I think about how congruent triangles look and wonder to myself if things would be easier if there were a third person in our relationship. Would things be easier for everyone if the load of being in a relationship were distributed across three people instead of two?

I know it's more complicated than that. I know in practice, there are multiple relationship dynamics to balance, not just the 3:3. But if, fundamentally, they were all built on a foundation of mutual love, couldn't that work?

I think I understand the challenges of seeking to add a proverbial unicorn and they make a lot of sense to me. Our motivations for considering this aren't primarily motivated by sexual exploration. We aren't looking to add someone to fix something. We don't want someone to come in and conform to our rules without having a say. The desire would be to integrate a real person with her own wants and needs into our lives. She and my partner love each other. She and my partner love me. I love them both. It should feel like a monogamous, committed relationship except there's three people in it instead of two.

I think my partner and I have the capacity to welcome someone like that into our lives. I'm certain that it's very unlikely we'd find someone who loves us both equally. If the new partner only loved one of us, I think that would be an unbalanced relationship that would ultimately fail. And it's hard enough to find one person who loves you. The odds of finding healthy, mutual love across every facet of the dynamic feel very slim.

We're not certain we even want to look yet. We wouldn't look unless we WERE absolutely certain. We understand why unicorn hunters get the vehemently negative reaction they get, but it's still a little intimidating for us. Which brings me to the post title. I guess I'm wondering if there's a healthy way in poly communities for a couple to look for a third to forge a healthy closed triad. Does expressing the desire immediately taint it with the stink of unicorn hunters? Am I a well-meaning but still blindly ignorant unicorn hunter?

I'd welcome input from others. The last thing I'd want to do is get into a triad for the wrong reasons or dehumanize someone because I don't understand enough about the dynamic.

EDIT: I want to thank everyone for all the replies. It sounds like I'm naively and/or wishfully misunderstanding the dynamics involved with adding a third partner. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to help me avoid going down the wrong road for the wrong reasons, and I appreciate this community. I hope I didn't offend anyone by posting here!

Hello I am 19M from india , an really interested to know a story about polygamy in India. Please share if someone had where you want in comment or dm

I (22F) am in a closed triad with my girlfriend (27F) and partner (28NB). We’re all adults, and I want our relationship to feel like an equal partnership rather than keeping score over who pays for what or feeling bad about it.

We recently went camping together. The trip itself was actually really nice, but there were a few logistical problems

Both my partners were both stressed because neither currently has much disposable income. At the time, gf wasn’t working, and partner was preparing to travel out of state and needs money for that.

At the store, I offered to pay for the camping supplies because I knew they were struggling financially. They both felt bad about me paying, but I genuinely didn’t mind. I wasn’t trying to make a point or imply they couldn’t provide for me. I just had the money available and didn’t want us to be sitting there unable to buy what we needed when I could easily cover it.

There were a few more instances, but notably partner tried to pay for gas, but their card wasn’t accepted at the pump. Gf didn’t have the money either, so I offered to cover the gas. Partner said that I shouldn’t have to because both of them are the older ones and they should be more responsible at this point of their lives.

Afterward, both of them repeatedly called themselves “bums” and apologized for me having to pay, then I felt guilty for making them feel like that.

Gf later said that she appreciates the gesture and that I shouldn’t feel bad but I shouldn’t have to be picking up the bill.

For context, I don’t normally pay for everything. In our entire relationship I’ve probably picked up a bill fewer than ten times. I also don’t expect either of them to financially “provide” for me. If anything, I feel uncomfortable letting them struggle to pay for something when I have the ability to cover it.

But I’m worried that my willingness to pay is accidentally making them feel inferior. Because Gf has expressed that she does feel inferior because of my position in life. Which imo isn’t too much higher than either of my partners but I’m just a few years younger, they both have a lot of potential in their careers despite them feeling stuck at their part time jobs currently.

I don’t want to infantilize them either. I want them to maintain their own financial independence and responsibility, while also being able to accept help from their partner (me) without feeling ashamed.

It’s been gnawing at me for a few months, the fact that I’m a reminder of how “behind” the both of my partners are in life. I’m just, existing, and it’s making them feel bad, like they’ve expressed this in detail many times before and it makes them say things like “you deserve better” and “we wouldn’t fault you for leaving”. I know it’s their insecurity to work through.

How do you handle unequal finances in a relationship without the person with less money feeling like a burden or the person with more money feeling guilty for making the others feel bad?

I’m especially interested in practical/emotional ways to talk about money before trips/outings so nobody feels embarrassed or blindsided.

Not really looking forward to swimming in a sea of swingers but I have had such horrible luck finding any good matches on dating sites or within the local polyamorous community, I am thinking about changing it up. I know that swinging is a world of hierarchy and couples privilege so maybe I am just introducing myself an even larger pool of people who won't work but I'm really sick of hitting this brick wall over and over in meeting like minded people. Any advice is welcomed here.

This might be a problem that's got no real solution, but wondering if anyone's run into it.

My longer-term girlfriend has been going through a lot over the past few months, and is pretty clingy on account of it. She doesn't work, and my shorter-term girlfriend doesn't really work in the traditional sense, so I'm working ~6-10 hours daily from home, pretty much 9-5, while they're kinda free all the time. So, lately, they've been spending all day and night together, practically glued at the hip. I'm talking like 22-23 hours a day, snuggling or doing things together (or having sex).

I also have family here where they don't, and more friends they don't really interact with, so I'm definitely falling behind in terms of how much time I spend with them (both as a trio and in our 1:1 relationships). We typically sleep together and spend most nights together, but I'm getting a couple hours here or there each day unless it's the weekend compared to their closeness.

There's no jealousy, and sexually, things are fine, but I worry I'm falling behind and missing some of our bond. One other thing is that I haven't had a 1:1 date night with STG in a while, and outside of a short work trip I extended, haven't been solo really with LTG either. I see them maybe an hour or so a day alone because they work out in our home office, but that's not really intimacy.

It's not like I can quit my job, nor ask them arbitrarily to spend time apart, so I don't know exactly what to do here. Any suggestions? I do intend to bring it up in our weekly "put it all on the table" chat, but not sure how to word it.