I 22F came out as queer to my dad. He told me at first that he knew him and my mom cant make me happy and that if I’m happy he’s happy and believes my partners are good people even if he looked so taken aback. I always thought he was more open minded than my mom but…
Then the next day he sat down to talk to me again.
He told me I can’t get any more emotionally attached to my partners (28NB Mexican, 27F) and that it’s okay to have fun but I’m a nice young girl and I don’t belong in that crowd. He told me abt how the rest of the family already sees our family as below average and that he broke his father’s heart hundreds of times by disappointing him. And if people knew abt me being queer, that they would see our family as trash and that would reflect poorly on my parents.
Basically out of all his siblings He’s been the least successful one. He has an inferiority complex and it leaked into mine when I was a child. I felt like I’ve been carrying this complex for so long it made me so guilty and depressed as a child for not being the perfect Asian kid. I quit piano lessons, quit karate, had average grades and was overweight and ugly. The only thing my parents could be proud of was me being well mannered. He told me that everyone else in the family was more successful and had higher mental fortitude so even if the relative was divorced or did something morally bad, it was backed up by their success and family togetherness.
He told me I was crazy and what I’m doing is out of the norm (which yes it is, but I’m happy). He never had a tight leash on me but he just wanted me to be in frame of what he envisioned for me, as in, family oriented and stay close to home for my parents and keeping the family together. He sees my partners as people who would take me away from that vision of marrying a man (specifically Chinese/viet to marry upwards), having kids, and staying near the family.
He also told me what I’m doing is making him see me as not his daughter. He told me he won’t stop me from spending time with my partners but he wants my mom to be happy. As in, going to church, and being at home more, and spending time with her. I’ve been her therapist, friend, emotional support, since i could remember, you really shouldn’t be putting that on a younger child. Me and my mom used to do everything together. My parents also had a rough marriage for most of my life until I was 20.
He told me that if I ever moved out, out of the city, my mom would be empty and sad and spiral until she cant take it anymore, and if she ever found out abt my partners she really cannot take it.
He’s threatening to tell my mom abt it. He told me as long as I distance myself reasonably from my partners (not sleeping over on weekdays) then I could still “have fun” and he won’t tell my mom.
I want to live my own life, I want more. My dad told me he’s content with how his life is rn. Work, nap, yard work, family time and my parents friends poker nights.
I’m in on increasingly thin ice with him. I don’t necessarily love him, nor respect him, we just exist around each other now for my mom’s sake. I love my mom and I feel responsible for her.
I genuinely believe that most people would not care, I’m out to my cousins, most of my friends, and my work friends. And I can’t just live for my parents until they pass in 30 ish years to begin living my life.
How do I move forward? I love my partners and I believe I won’t find anyone like them, I’ve spent the last year and a half learning to love and take care of them and they have been doing the same for me. I feel really alone in this.
Also note: I’ve finished uni and have a full time job.