Hi! I’ve been with my bf for 2 years now, and he is wonderful. I’ve never felt so respected, loved, seen, and cherished. He’s become my best friend. But I don’t really feel a spark or feel butterflies. The best way to describe it is content. Maybe even a little boring? I don’t particularly have the urge to know every single detail about his day and I don’t want to be around him all of the time (we don’t live together). I’ve had a rough history, previously divorced, which left me with a lot of wounds, and then had a couple of very intense and toxic situationships. I’ve always thrived on the thrill and the rollercoaster. There was always so much passion with the situationships because i was always trying to make a story in my head for what it actually was. I know this is my first healthy relationship, ever. But is it normal to not feel a spark? Since my divorce, I love my own space and my own life. I look at my relationship now as someone that I will spend my mundane life with and that seems really nice. We consistently talk about moving in together and getting married, and that makes me very excited. But I also get nervous. How do I know this is THE person for me? Getting divorced was the hardest thing I ever did and I don’t think I’d be able to do it again.

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years. Our anniversary is September 28, and we’re both 35. I love him, and we genuinely have good times together, which is what makes this so difficult. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one really trying in this relationship.
I’m not someone who needs expensive things or cares about how much money someone spends on me. I actually really enjoy showing the people I love that I listen to them and care about them. One of the ways I do that is through gifts or little thoughtful gestures. For me, it’s not about the money—it’s about feeling like someone heard me, thought about me, and wanted to make me feel special.
For example, Christmas came around and, of course, I got him a gift. I received nothing. He told me he didn’t have any money, and I understood that. My birthday came around, and again, I didn’t receive anything. I understand that money can be tight, and I’m not expecting someone to spend a lot of money on me. But what hurts is that he will say he has no money, yet somehow he finds money to spend on random things for himself.
I also ask for something as simple as quality time. Sometimes I just want to go on a date, have lunch together, or do something together outside of the house. I don't feel like I should have to beg for that.
Another thing that bothers me is that after almost six years, he still hasn't met most of my family. He rarely comes around my family, and I feel like I’m the one making an effort to include him in my life.
His birthday was recently, and I’m honestly in a difficult financial situation myself. Even so, I was willing to put some money aside so I could take him out to lunch for his birthday. I literally took the day off so we could spend time together.
We talked twice that entire day, probably for a total of 10 minutes, if even that. He told me he was going to come over to my house so we could hang out and have some drinks for his birthday. I was looking forward to seeing him.
It’s now midnight as I’m writing this, and I haven't heard from him since around 4 PM.
And honestly, this is the part that hurts the most. I feel like I would never treat him this way.
I feel like I listen to him when he tells me what he likes. I remember things he tells me. I try to make him feel appreciated. I make time for him. I try to show him that I care.
But I don't feel like I receive that same effort in return.
I don't want people to misunderstand me and think I'm saying, “He doesn't buy me gifts, so I'm leaving him.” That's not it at all. I could go without ever receiving an expensive gift. What I want is to feel heard, considered, appreciated, and prioritized.
I love this man. We have good memories and good times, and six years is a long time to just walk away from someone. But I'm starting to wonder if love is enough when you constantly feel like you're the only person trying to make the relationship work.
So what do you guys think? Am I expecting too much? Is this something worth trying to work through, or is it time for me to let this relationship go?
I’d really appreciate honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear.

Hi, I am looking to move (35 year old single straight female). I have lived in DC and Minneapolis. I'm considering Chicago or Denver but I'm wondering what the dating is like in either city. I'm concerned that most people in Chicago around my age are also settled down with kids like Minneapolis, and I'm concerned about dating in Denver too. I love to ski, hike and camp, so that's why I'm interested in Denver. I also like cities (enjoyed DC a lot) so I know Chicago would be a good fit as well. Do you have any advice or recs for other places to consider?

My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. It's important to mention that for most of that time we were non-monogamous. It wasn't something I wanted, but I did a lot of mental gymnastics to convince myself I wanted it. Really I just didn't want the relationship to end. I found it intensely difficult, to the point that I believe the experience may have left me with something akin to trauma. It's also important to note that my partner didn't necessarily do anything explicitly wrong during that time, according to most (but not all) of the popular polyamory/ENM advice you see out there (I also don't agree with a lot of the advice out there, but that just goes to show how wrong it was for me). But my partner did make choices that hurt me, and that left an impact on me, and which I believe were not caring or loving choices in the specific context of our relationship.

One thing that came up during that time was this friend they have who I'll call "PF." Last year, there was a point where I realized my partner was spending more time with PF, and they talked about her in a way that made me suspect there was something more going on. They denied they were dating, but eventually admitted they had a crush on PF and wanted to date her. The activities they did with her were date-like, and I did observe what looked like flirting between them. I put some pieces together and realized they had had feelings for PF for a long time - possibly before we met. They told me PF was in a monogamous relationship but had discussed non-monogamy with her partner. However, after a while, I got the sense nothing came of my partner trying to date her. PF didn't come up in conversation much anymore, and several months later, they told me they didn't have feelings for her any longer. My partner invited me to group activities where she was involved, and I was able to be around her without any problems. I still felt uncomfortable sometimes, but it was manageable, and my interactions with her were amicable.

My partner and I made the transition to monogamy at the beginning of this year. I finally felt like I had the relationship I needed with them. We felt closer, spent more time together, had deeper conversations...even the sex improved. However, I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety. Even though I logically knew things were different now, it's like my nervous system or my body did not. Still, the in first couple months of monogamy, nothing big came up. That is, until I ran into my partner one evening on the street by chance. I noticed that they didn't seem happy to see me at first, and I sensed something was off, but eventually they softened and acted normal. I asked what they were up to, thinking we could spend some spontaneous time together. They said they were on their way to dinner with PF. My nervous system started firing off and I could hear my voice shaking but I tried to appear calm. I asked if it was a date, and they said no. They didn't invite me to join them at dinner or offer to see me after. We parted and I went home and cried.

The reason this was such a shock is that I didn't know they were still meeting up with her alone. I hadn't even thought about it. It hadn't come up once, not since the previous year when they had admitted to having a crush on her. Yeah, I had seen her in group settings with my partner, but they had not once mentioned hanging out with her one-on-one in almost a year. I brought this up with my partner and they denied keeping anything from me, they said they were sure it had probably come up before. I knew I would have remembered if it did, because of how I felt about things. But I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, because of course I wanted to trust them. Honestly, it was very hard to trust them. After that happened, my partner started telling me when they had seen PF - and each time it bothered me, but I appreciated that they were making an effort to be transparent.

I would still hang out with my partner and PF in group settings. It was a lot harder than before but I managed...for a few months. I thought I was "dealing with it," challenging my anxious thoughts, trusting my partner -- but I guess I was just enduring it, until I couldn't anymore. One night, I was watching a movie with them, my partner was talking with her, and I knew if I didn't leave right then I'd probably end up crying in front of them. I just needed to get away and calm myself down. So I made an excuse to leave, didn't make a scene or anything, and had a serious discussion with my partner about it afterwards. I said I'd need a little more reassurance going forward. The next time I saw her, I knew my partner was aware of how I was feeling and that I could ask them for reassurance if I needed it, and that helped. I didn't even need to ask for more reassurance, just knowing they knew what was going on with me was enough.

Again, things were OK for a while. Then something came up again, where my partner made plans to meet up with her alone on the anniversary of the day we met. I didn't expect them to remember that it was that day, and that's not what bothered me. What bothered me was that they chose to meet up with her anyway, and still didn't seem to understand the degree this affected me, when I thought they had finally gotten it last time. It felt like they saw my feelings as silly, like I was overreacting, had no reason to feel this way, like I would forget about it in a couple days and we'd be good again. It felt like they were willing to accommodate my need for reassurance as long as it was easy for them. However, if something was too much for me to cope with, that didn't matter, they were going to do it anyway. So I told them I needed them to respect my feelings and try not to hurt me, even if they didn't agree with how I felt. And they said they thought I was right. I was relieved they agreed with me and thought maybe we'd reached a turning point.

That was a couple months ago. She didn't come up for a while, until the other day, when my partner mentioned how they'd like to go on a trip with friends. They said they'd invite her except the "dynamic might be difficult." I couldn't believe it. It felt like they didn't get it again, to just mention her and my difficulty with her in such a casual way. I calmly asked my partner if they were still talking to her, and they said yes, that they are friends. And I explained all over again, how this was a result of them hiding or at least omitting things about their relationship with her, and also a result of the damage done to my nervous system after forcing myself to do non-monogamy for so long.

I told them that if something were to come up again involving her, that I don't think I could deal with it. Because the last time something came up (with them meeting up with her on a day that was important to me) I was so close to giving up. I told them that I don't trust them because of how they didn't tell me about seeing her all of that time: I probably would not have known that was happening if I hadn't run into them by chance. They again denied that they hid anything from me, but it's just so unlikely that it would not come up even once over the course of almost 1 year, because we do tell each other what we are up to most of the time.

I want to believe them. It's just very very hard to. I also kinda feel like I'd be a fool to. And even if I logically know my partner loves me and would never cheat on me, my body doesn't know it. I feel sick with anxiety, my heart starts racing, and I start shaking whenever I think about her and this situation.

My partner accused me of saying I'd break up with them if they saw her again. That's not what I meant. I don't want to give an ultimatum like that, it feels manipulative and controlling. But in effect, it's true. I'd want to be able to handle it, to not feel anxious, to trust them, but the fact is, I'm not able to do that. I feel so worn out. I haven't been able to recover from the 1.5 years of non-monogamy, or any of the hurtful things that happened then. All of it still weighs on me. I forgive my partner for it, because I know they didn't want to hurt me, and I know they were figuring their own stuff out. But that doesn't change that it did really, really hurt me.

It's kind of ironic because one of my reasons for being open to non-monogamy was that I value autonomy in romantic relationships. And then that experience did not go well and turned me into a very anxious, untrusting person who is incapable of giving my partner the kind of autonomy I want for both of us.

But I also feel like my partner did not earn my trust. Obviously, I have a lot of intense emotions, though, so it's hard to know if I am being unreasonable. And then part of me also thinks, who cares? I can't deal with these feelings, and if we want the relationship to work, we might just need to do something neither of us really agree with. I don't want to ask them to not see her. I don't like feeling like an insecure, controlling person. They don't like the idea of cutting off a friend because of a partner. We both don't like the situation, but it's the only way I see forward.

I also know that I'd do this for them in a heartbeat, were the roles reversed. I would do anything to keep them from feeling like I feel now. My partner said this wasn't a fair comparison, because while we were non-monogamous, nothing like that ever came up for them. But the reason it didn't come up is because I just wasn't interested in anyone else. I'm an attractive person, had plenty of interest from the people I went on dates with. I always ended up having to turn people down when things got heavy because I didn't have the bandwidth or desire for another relationship. I always prioritized my relationship with my partner. I kept my weekends open for them, canceled or rescheduled dates for them. I didn't have to do that, but I wanted to. That's why nothing ever came up. And I don't regret doing that either, because it allowed us to spend more time together.

My partner said they are afraid that if they stop seeing her, I'll ask for them to stop doing other things, as if it will become a slippery slope. This hurts because it means they don't trust me either. It means the 1.5 years I tried to give them their autonomy mean nothing. They also expressed that they have had to "reorganize their life around my jealousy." I think this was probably something just said in the heat of the moment? I don't want them to reorganize their life around me. And I don't actually think I'm an unreasonably jealous person. They also couldn't give any specific example of what that means. I told them I didn't ask for that, that all I ever wanted was to just be considered. It makes me question how they see me and how sustainable this relationship is for them if they feel like they have to sacrifice so much for me. All I want is for them to factor me in sometimes, I don't understand why that would feel like such a huge undertaking.

I don't believe they really see me as a controlling person, I suspect this is just a defensive reaction that comes up when they are feeling criticized. They have said they lost themself in relationships before and they are afraid of it happening again. They were kind of a classic Avoidant at the beginning of our relationship, due to the aforementioned bad relationships, but they aren't like that anymore.

We didn't reach a conclusion, so I don't know what's going to happen. Believe me, I wish I could be OK with it. I just know if I found out they were seeing her again that I would not be able to cope, because I was barely able to cope last time. They know how much it hurts me, and how could someone who says they love me choose to hurt me in that way?

I think I probably do believe that they didn't intentionally hide seeing her from me. I suspect they omitted mentioning her because they didn't want to worry me. I don't believe they'd cheat on me. I am not sure if I believe they don't have any feelings for her anymore. Rationally, I know having a crush on someone doesn't affect how they feel about me. I think in normal circumstances, I could be OK with that uncertainty. But that was before my nervous system got all messed up. My feelings aren't rational, but they are real, and there is a limit to how much I can handle.

Hey im wondering if anyone here has been in a relationship where the typical hetero gender roles are swapped, and yall love each other and it is working out?

I mean like the women is the breadwinner, with a house husband who stays home with the kids type shit

I’ve been with my partner for 31 years. We have no kids and we have never married, despite him proposing to me twice within the first 5 years. I have wanted to marry him, but I don’t think that has much relevance on where we are now. Over the past 15 years we were becoming more distant, mainly because I wasn’t receiving the same level of affection that he used to give me so I pulled back on other things because I needed that affection. We had a couple of big blow up’s over the past few months then out of the blue about a month after the last he tells me that we get along really well together but doesn’t think we make a good couple anymore. In the 6 or so weeks since he said that, he’s pulled back to saying he doesn’t know what he wants - stay or leave, and I think my emotional response was the reason for that. He says he loves me, but I don’t think he’s in love with me. He hugs me whenever I break down but still won’t commit to staying with me. He wants to take it a day at a time yet he’s not working on the relationship so it feels he just doesn’t want to take the next step and leave. I’m shattered, can someone please help me understand, and if there’s any chance for us? I’m F51, he’s M55. Thank you

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I asked my boyfriend if his upcoming wedding included a "+1" for me. His response was super vague and confusing—he claimed he didn't know for sure, dropping an ambiguous line about how maybe "long-term girlfriends" or girls the couple "actually knows" would be there. The wedding is coming up soon, and the official deadline to confirm numbers  passed ages ago. This means he either knew or should have known long in advance that the invite was strictly for him. Instead of being upfront, he chose to not do anything and wait for me to bring it up. 

What makes me sad, though, is this: we’ve been together for two years... i found out that his friend is bringing a girlfriend he’s only been with for six months, while I've been completely cut out.

Should I let this thing pass or should I voice my feelings?

I dont want to make it "about me" but at the same timw i feel cut out..and not considered a pair of the couple we are supposed to be.

But also whyyyy did it not cross his mind? 

Haven't dated in years. I am fairly good looking, fit, but don't get a lot of matches on dating sites, and I'm kind of too depressed to put myself out there at times. I've been through a lot of trauma with exes, and had health problems off and on, so kind of just gave up on socializing. I don't even know if anyone would ever want to marry and have kids with someone already 37.

Together 16 years, married 14 years.

My husband born and raised in California, his parents were Political Asylum straight from West Africa.

At age 18 after High school he got full scholarships and got accepted to USC that University that famous for their Trojan football team. USC only has a 10% acceptance rate, it is high ranked Private University. He got his 4 years University degree there (he finished in 3 years).

Af age 21, after USC, he got accepted to Stanford, and Stanford is a very high ranked prestigious Private University that only has 3% acceptance rate. He finished his Master at Stanford in 2 years, by the age 23 he already got a Master at Stanford.

2 degrees, one at USC, one at Stanford (a Master degree). And 7 awards during his Universities time, 7 awards (academic, leadership, and research). That is impressive.

At the age 23 he already an established Chemical Engineer working at the Oilfield. And work with corrosive Hydrofluoric Acid.
At the age 40 he is an Executive at a big engineering corporate, with a salary of $500,000 a year (not counting bonuses).

My point is this is a VERY educated man, very EDUCATED. I meet him when he was 25, and he already a Chemical Engineer.

But my Chinese parents, especially mother NEVER accepted him, because he 100% pure West African), my mother called him a burnt light pole due to his pitch black skin color, pitch black skin like burnt charcoal, she called him.

That amount of education was nothing to my mother eyes, because all my mother can see was the money from my Shanghai business man father. My mother flat out said that he will NEVER make more money than my Shanghai businessman father.

But it was never about money. I love him because of his Strength of character, of him as a person. I also admire how educated he is, I also like him very well spoken, and most importantly he treats me really really well.

But my mother never accepted him. To day of my mother death she still not accepted him. Both my parents has deceased, and it seem like I never get a closure from them, especially from my mother. In her eyes he just a burnt light pole, burn charcoal, because of his pitch black skin color.

I just do not understand, other than my mother was very uneducated (only finished 9 grade), when she turn 18 she was in an arranged marriage to my father (whom a businessman and much older than he). Mom in China was what her parents see her as wife material, so married her off to a much older man. That all mom know was just money.

I just never understand how can she just write my husband off solely based on his skin color. Up till the day mom died, she still refused to accept him. Mom has deceased, and I feel that I will never have a closure from her.

I'm with my husband together 16 years, married 14 years, he always treats me really really really well. I just never understand my mother.

tl;dr My husband is VERY educated, VERY educated. And he treats me really really really well but my mother when alive just cannot see beyond his skin color. Till the day she died, she still never accepted him. I feel that I never have a closure from her.

Me(39M) and my partner (39F) LTR 2+ yrs, Same disagreement for a year. Feels like mismatched capacity vs. me being too much and her not being enough. There is a lot more to our story obviously, but my gut doesn’t feel right lately. Her therapist said I’m too much for anyone — that one punched me straight in the heart and I haven’t felt the same since. It feels like a part of me died after hearing that.

EDIT:
For context, we’ve been together 2+ years, knew each other when we were young. Married other people, both divorced, both in therapy. I learned to name your needs. Those needs create pressure for her. Her therapist said that I am, “too much for anyone,” to her — not to me. She isn’t a liar so I’m going to believe her. That said, I am not too much, I think we just have different capacities. I’m just feeling like her capacity to meet me isn’t there like it was before. That’s what hurts the most.

I \[46f\] been with my boyfriend \[49m\] for 2 years. Let’s call him Bruce. TLDR: Bruce and I were together when we were 18 for 3 years but parted ways since Bruce wanted to party and do other things and I was more of a serious type.

Fast forward a little over 2 years ago, Bruce reached out to see how I was doing. Apparently I was the love of his life. Long story short, we got back together.

Since Bruce moved in, it felt like having a roommate but with occasional benefits. Everything is split between us. He makes his grocery and I do mine. For example: there’s 2 ketchup bottles in the fridge.

I have AUDHD, I struggle with a lot of things and he doesn’t take it seriously. Everything has to go his way.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being used. It may be my RSD talking but I don’t know what to do.

Now it’s 2 years later and I don’t know if he’s staying for the right reasons or just because it’s really cheap for him since he doesn’t have anything to pay other than his stuff. He does say that he wants to buy half my house.

What do you think?

After many failed relationships I would like to know…

What makes a relationship long lasting?
What is true compatibility?
What are the key factors for a successful relationship?
How do you know they are the one or not?
What are signs of incompatibilities?

Would love to hear your experiences and input.

Is this normal or am I overthinking? What should I be doing in this relationship? I am 35 F and he is 36 M

I am dating a guy for last one year. After 6 months we got into relationship. When we met I told him openly I am transitioning into fitness career and don’t make much money. As things progressed between us I was always mindful about expenses and we didn’t take any big trips as I was building my career with clients in my city. In June 2026 he got laid off from his job after being on bench for 6 months. He got 3 months severance. Yesterday I just asked him casually what his plans for job and how is hoping to get it as he was not interviewing. I’m working on building my fitness career by taking small steps. I don’t make much money but something I earn is enough for my gas and daily expenses. I have restricted my shopping for sometime. When I asked he said I’m putting pressure on him and expecting him to provide and that’s why I am inquiring about finding job and his astrologer has said he will get by Sept 2026. I was just listening and then he tells me why I am not earning a lot to take care of his expenses and how long will I earn less. I told him I am going for my certification in Sept to advance my skills. He is like he doesn’t care and then went on to say he lost his job because of me. I was shocked we didn’t work in same career nor in same industry . I haven’t spoken to him since as I am flabbergasted by his words. He said I’m a loser and I replied yes I am loser and I can’t contribute to your rent. I put my foot down and told him I am at least trying to do things even though it is low earning but a way to divert mind into healthy and productive thing and plus I get to meet new clients. He is like this small salary is not helping you to sustain yourself and I said everyone starts small and they build things and go up and he is like how much should I wait for your situation to improve. Please suggest me what would be sensible way to go about it. I am 35F and he is 36.

Edit 1: I forgot to mention he had told me earlier that he is very comfortable with his savings and he won’t have problem spending $5 on me. I told him if he is comfortable then only spend it as I didn’t have now and I’ll pay him next month.

Edit 2: I suggested to him since he is getting not interviewing nor pursuing any on job training I’ll make videos him with me giving cues for my social media fitness content. He is like he is not interested in that.

Edit 3: He texted me this last night :

“You ruined my day, and I remember.” “You destroyed my day and I won’t forget it”

I didn’t respond as I’m in shock how I’m responsible for his layoff like wtf moment it was.

Edit 4: He wants to buy $1000 coffee machine and I told him you can gift that to your self after you get the job. He is telling me I’m restricting his happiness. Like you don’t have regular salary and you want to buy stuff. That’s concerning for me.

Edit 5: He calls me I decide to just listen and his logic is when I was stressed out about my certifications and transition he took that negative energy and lost his job. He is telling me to think about all hypothetical scenarios what if he doesn’t get job for one year and whether I’ll be contributing to his rent. I told him I live in my parents outhouse until I am financially secured. He is like as a partner I should be there to support him. And he tells me our sexual life is not the best. I told him right now we both are in such a difficult situation and we have to come out fast and then focus on our sexual life.

Edit 6: When he was telling me all hypothetical
Scenarios what can happen I told him if we try hard enough there will be an open door of opportunities . It may be small opportunity but it always exists. He is like what if I can’t find a job and all? Who in right mind says that they can’t find job until someone is disabled, or in some illness. Without trying how can he say how will you support me it I don’t have a job .

Edit 7: Initially we would do Dutch when we went out but I told him then I would prefer eating at home and tried to cut on my expenses. After his layoff we didn’t go outside to expensive places and he would pay and I would take care of travel by car as he sold his car. I never asked for gas expense and it would be balanced out with my share( my share expense would be like $2-$3 max). He told me I am an energy vampire as I ask him questions which leaves him stressed. Only a small boy would get stressed when asked serious questions. He would ask his life problems to Gemini or ChatGPT and seek answers. How can a machine give answer to your life problems? And he would say I am fed up of fighting with life. Now when I think he didn’t had that zeal and enthusiasm to live. He would tell me finally today’s day is also gone. I told him we can play board games or puzzle he didn’t show interest. I told him to focus on some hobby or build things.

Edit 8: looking back whatever happens it is for the best as I had told him once you get the job we will go to meet my parents as I wanted his impression to be good. Ofcourse there were lot of good things. His blame scenario is the personality issue which often never goes away. I also made some mistakes but now looking back with non judgmental way is helpful. I’m most proud of how calmly I handled when he said things to trigger and I didn’t lose my cool. All this is growth for me. As Seneca said good things start coming when somethings end.

Edit 9: He had called as I had left some item at his place to ask if he wants or not. I said no and then he goes on to say the basic expectation from partner is to support each other and it came down only financial. Basically he can get a roomate and this situation could have been addressed why have a partner for that. And for him reducing expenses by downgrading current lifestyle is not a valid option. So glad everything is over and I’m getting back my sound sleep as well.

Ive not been happy in this relationship for 3 years now, I finally now know 100% I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I don’t like him anymore, and I really want to get myself and child away from him. He is not violent but is very selfish and generally not a nice person.

I cannot afford to go anywhere at the moment, I have credit card debt, a loan and I need to get £2000 to get a rental. Ive worked out my finances and realistically can leave around March time. I know that isn’t that far away but at the moment It feels like a life time away. Im wont be telling him Im leaving until Im literally ready to move out as I have been talked into staying in the past.

I have to pretend everything is normal while I just want to run away from him and this life.
Does anyone have any advice how to keep cool and carry on for until I can leave. ☹️

Been with him for 9 years, lived with him for 4. He has children and I have children, none together luckily.

I’ve ( F 37) been with my girlfriend (F 39) for 4 years. We been living together for almost 2 years. We were having issues earlier this year. We started going to couples therapy in March. One of the main issues we had was my codependency. I’ve been trying to build a life outside of the relationship. I hang out with friends and joined a bowling league by myself. She been playing pool for years. I joined a pool league with her a year ago. I joined so her and I can have things to do together. She also joined one bowling league with me. A year ago I use to try to practice pool but I got frustrated with it to the point it was affecting my mental health. So I stopped practicing. Whenever I play pool in my league night, my competitive side takes over and I get mad at myself. I understand I stopped practicing but it was affecting my mental health earlier. My partner thinks I’m giving up easily. But I feel she doesn’t understand it was affecting my mental health and she mentioned what I did in the past was not practicing even though I was obsessed with going to a pool table at that time. I use to go all the time by myself. She told me I don’t have ambition in life and may not see a future with me. But I told her I’m doing a bowling league and she already knows I have a good job. So I don’t understand and kind of felt bad. And I’m hoping she sees that I’m trying to not be codependent. She also gets mad she feels it takes an argument for me to change. I told her I’ll work on it.

I told her I will quit pool because I feel it’s ruining the relationship. She even admitted it earlier this week. She said she’s fine with it but she also said I give up easily which led to the ambition topic. So then I said, let’s go to a pool hall on the weekends to help me get better.

Overall I feel whenever I try to fix one thing, another thing happens.

What to do? I love her and don’t want to lose her

I am in a position I never thought I’d ever be in and struggling to process it all. I recently found out my wife (F35) is in a deep emotional affair with an ex colleague (M35) for months.

For context, we've been together for 12 years and married for 10. For past few years, I was dealing with a nightmare of a manager at work. It was an incredibly toxic situation that bled into my personal life and made everything at home feel horrible. I know I became emotionally unavailable because I was just trying to survive my job. It also made me refuse her idea for a second child when I was feeling that I was not having enough time to be with our first child who was already a handful. This had led her to lose interest/withhold sex. Also, I was always tired and frequently missed the plans we made together. I take responsibility for all the pain I've caused during those years.

Luckily, after this manager finally moved to another firm & for the first time in ages, I actually had the mental space to put effort back into my marriage.

We planned a family trip to get away and try to spend some time with our kid. But while we were there, her behavior was just... off. She was erratic and distant. I didn't know it then, but the other guy was competing for her attention in real-time during a trip that was supposed to be about our child. She was giving live updates on everything we did and was sharing selfies from the places we visited. She even made me and my child to go around and she would stay back and text this guy.

After we got back, I could see deep confusion and anxiety in her face. When I pushed her for a reason, she vaguely said she "needed to keep distance from some people in life." But didn't give much clarity. That’s when I finally decided to investigate her phone.

I found a password protected chat history spanning 6 months. It has then got me that I’d seen glimpses of that lock screen app a couple of times in the last month, but I never suspected it was something like this.

The logs show how it started. Initially, about movies and music. But that quickly evolved into photo sharing and deep emotional intimacy which was unsettling for me to read. She but only did chat but but coordinated her whole day around him, casually leaving the house for errands just to have a private window to talk to him. She has also deleted the call logs. I’ve seen messages that have completely hurt me: "You're mine," "I'll take care of you," "I miss you," and "Wish you were here," with heart emojis all over his photos. She has even sent him self-recorded videos that she later deleted, but I managed to recover them from the phone. After I confronted her, she deleted all the logs.

He has no social media except the "corporate slop one" on which he blocked me the second his cover blew up. He was surgical about the entire thing. He never did chat/call from home, communicated only during late night dog walks, car washes, or his office commute. He even pushed her to do video calls from inside our home, and she’d slip away from the family just to take his calls.

This was a month back. The fallout of this discovery has been catastrophic for me. My job performance has completely tanked because I couldn't focus, and if this poor form continues, I'm at risk of letting go of from my current position. I couldn't sleep for a week straight and consulted a therapist and started medication just to get some sleep. But, the trauma is still there. I still get physical tremors and rage episodes at night.

When I confronted her, she told me it was platonic & because he with his wife live 1500 miles away, there was no chance of them ever meeting. And all they chat was about day to day things and nothing inappropriate. After showing her the evidence I've collected, she’s trying to justify the whole thing by blaming our marriage—saying I didn't listen to her, or that we have different tastes in movies (she actually mentioned my preference for boring movies& music as a reason she sought connection elsewhere). She told that she was happy with him as he laughed at her silly jokes and talked and didn't judge her. She even told that the relationship with him would have ended on its own even if i didn't notice the chat and she would not have met him alone if such a situation ever came. She also said she had no sexual attraction on him.

She even blamed me for getting the logs from her phone without permission and violating her privacy. She has been no-contact with him for about 5 weeks now, after i made her block him everywhere. But I've seen her seeing his old selfies. I also told her what I felt about him. He isn't some romantic lead. He's a weak lowlife who cries in his videos to her and shares audio recordings of him pleading specifically to manipulate her into a caretaking role. While I’m choosing silence for now to save my family, I am seriously considering contacting his wife and exposing him and even contact HR as I have his videos of him romanticizing my wife.

I asked my wife for just one thing. A full, honest admission of everything that happened and a clear way forward written down. I needed it as a foundation to rebuild trust, but she flatly refused at first. Then she replied dismissivly that since I already have the chat logs, there is nothing more left for her to explain. I want the full truth for which she says that I'm pushing her to re-live memories that she wants to forget and she don't want to go into her previous mindset again.

Right now, I’m just taking time before I make any decision. Recently, I've found searches in her phone for "do you flirt with your colleagues" and "what to do if ex colleague wanted to meet you" which are from about the time they started chatting. I get frequent panic attacks get rude with her and we're having frequent quarrels.

Even after all of this, I love her. I really want to save this marriage. To anyone who has been/ is going through this: How do you handle a partner who admits the act but justifies it by blaming the lapses & unhappiness in marriage? How do I convince her that total honesty is the only way we survive this?  How do I ensure he stays out of our lives for good? Is there a way to save this marriage?

Sorry for the long post and any help is appreciated. I'm so overwhelmed and pardon the mistakes in grammar and coherence.

So I [35M] have been seeing someone [39F] for a year and have noticed that she doesn’t show much affection , nor believes in sweet, small romantic gestures. Coupled with the fact that she doesn’t show much appreciation for my small ( or big ) victories , I feel maybe I am wrong to have much expectation from her. Or is it ok to want certain things from your partner ?

She says that her personality is the way it is , and not to expect some cheerleading or other similar gestures from her. Meanwhile, I like uplifting and cheering and celebrating my partner and would like the same in return.

Also forgot to add, she is quick to anger as well.

Have any of you been in this sort of situation in the past? And does it get better ? Or are we too incompatible ? Any advice will help

Tl;dr - just been feeling that my gf shows very little affection and is also quick to anger. Have you been in a relationship like this ?

My BF, 31M, and I, 35F, have been living together with my family for over a year. He is caring, affectionate, and we’ve never really had issues involving a third party. He’s also generally very agreeable and easygoing.

The issue is that he’s very laid-back when it comes to his career and finances.

He has a decent-paying job, but I earn significantly more. I’m currently the primary earner in the household, so I pay for most of the bills and food. My BF contributes sometimes, but it’s inconsistent. I do understand his situation because both of his parents are sick and unable to work, so he and his siblings help cover their parents’ expenses. I don’t resent him for supporting his family.

What frustrates me is that, despite this situation, I don’t really see him trying to improve his own financial situation. He doesn’t seem interested in pursuing higher positions or developing his career. He says he doesn’t like corporate work and often talks about wanting to start a business, but there’s never really a concrete plan behind it.

I think this bothers me because I’ve always been a very driven person. I’ve dated men who were ambitious and career-oriented before, but unfortunately, some of them also came with huge egos and other issues. My BF is the complete opposite. He’s humble, chill, and doesn’t seem to care much about status or money.

And honestly, I like that about him. But sometimes I feel like he’s become too comfortable.

I’m not extremely high-maintenance, but I do enjoy certain luxuries and experiences. I want to travel, try nice restaurants, pursue hobbies, and generally enjoy life. Sometimes I hesitate to spend money on things I want because I know he may not be able to afford his share, and I either have to downgrade the experience or pay for both of us.

I don’t necessarily need him to earn more than me. What I want is to feel like we’re both moving forward and that he has the same drive to build a better life. I’m starting to worry that if I continue progressing financially while he remains comfortable where he is, I’ll eventually feel more like his provider than his partner.

At the same time, I feel guilty even thinking this way because I know he has responsibilities toward his parents (as do I, both my parents are elderly) and he is otherwise a good partner.

I’ve tried encouraging him to think about his career and his business ideas, but I don’t want to become the person who has to constantly motivate or manage him.

So I’m wondering:

Am I being unreasonable for wanting my partner to be more financially ambitious? Is this something we can realistically work through, or is this simply a fundamental incompatibility in terms of lifestyle and ambition? And would this be a valid reason to end an otherwise good relationship?

Just venting here so bare with me.

We were each others first. Took each other's virginity. The relationship lasted through high school and partly through college. We went to different high schools and colleges about 30 min away.

I broke up with her. I know it devastated her. All my friends had girlfriends they saw daily at school and I only saw her on the weekend. I think I wanted that as well. We saw each other a few times after the break up and then that was it.

Two years later I got a phone call from her. She said that it had taken her that long to get over us but that she would always love me. She said she missed me and asked if I missed her. She asked if I had a girlfriend. I missed her as well and I still loved her. The problem was I was in a really fragile state of mind. I had recently been hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I think life just overwhelmed me and it was a moment of crisis. I was failing out of school, about to lose housing and everything seemed to be falling apart.

So when she called that was my state of mind and during the call I was very emotionless. I came off as uncaring. And this started to confuse her. I didn't want her to find out what had happened and became avoidant and told her I would need to call her back. But I never did.

The truth is though I felt the same way she did. I felt the bond. I missed her and wanted to reconnect. I just knew I had to work on myself first. But I think my lack of emotion may have made her think she had to close the book on me.

Ten years went by then I heard about a reunion for a youth dance club we used to go to. It was where we first met when we were 16. Sadly I was out of town at the time. When I talked to a friend who did go to the reunion he mentioned that she was there but that she didn't stay very long. He didn't talk to her but saw her sitting down at one of the seats alone. And then she was gone.

Over the years I've been in relationships, been married, divorced and have had to get over my share of heartbreak. I thought of her off and on and some years not at all.

Its always saddened me that we didn't reconnect and that I didn't have the courage to just tell her the truth all those years ago when I was going through a tough time. She was at one time my best friend and as well as my girlfriend. The person I was closest to. And i think she's likely lived all these years thinking I just stopped caring when the opposite it true. I'm sure at some point she processed it and moved on. Or there may a part of her that always wondered why.

Long term married couple that loss their child, did the depression ever get better? I want to hear your stories, and your experience. It doesn't get better does it? How did you and your spouse heal/cope?

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When 2 people love each others long term married 16 years and love each others so much, and out of our control have to watch the toddler we created together died of brain disease (defect genes inherit from me the mother side), There was a point where we want to die with our toddler. The pain it excruciating.

During our toddler short life. At 4 months old he already have epileptic seizures, not just that but breathing difficulty.
He born February 2018, died August 2019, when he 1.5 years old.

We know our baby condition in my third trimester scan, the doctors told us our baby would not live pass 2 years old. But my husband said whether it 2 days, 2 months or 2 years, he still wants our child. We carried to term and welcome our baby, despite we know the neurologists told us our baby will not live pass age 2

As our child brain condition progress he had more and more seizures episodes, the whole 1.5 years of him alive we were in and out of he hospital with him.
......
At the hospital we told him he will get better and we take him home and he can eat alot of vanilla pudding, he nodded and even giggles (he loves vanilla pudding), that was the last time he he had conscious look at us his parents.
That night he went into a coma, and a week later he just stop breathing while in a coma, he was just 1.5 years old.

I do not know if a toddler while in a coma can still dream, he probably had a sweet dream of go home to his bed and eat all the vanilla pudding he wants, he sick the whole time of his life he didn't eat much but he loves pudding.

I never see my husband in so much pain. I know my husband heart died that day with our child 7 years ago (that same year his father died too). I don't know what we did in our last lives hence this life fate bestown this on us.

I sometimes asked, if I didn't love my husband this much, and my husband didn't love me this much, would it hurts this much? Unless two married people don't love each others, it hurts.

Perhaps we shouldn't be together hence we were punished. But we were both single, no kids, this is first marriage for both of us. Two single unmarried people can't be together? It is because I'm Chinese, and he 100% pure West African, hence we got punish for be together?

I believe in reincarnation, our toddler has already reincarnate 7 years ago, now with new parents, he no longer remember us or has brain disease anymore, he free of pain now.

My husband whom Atheist does not believe in reincarnation, and will get defensive. He said dead or alive still our child, and our child only have two parents and that only us, not new parents (from reincarnation).

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It like anything of our child trigger my husband, something simple as Vanilla pudding trigger my husband.

When our toddler was alive, our toddler really like the cold vanilla pudding, he often sick and in and out of hospital, but whenever he eat those vanilla pudding, he has this giggles laughters so so cute and loud that it light up the whole room
....
Last time at dinner table, and I actually was eating that vanilla pudding so I put a spoon in my husband mouth. And just something small like that but it remind him of our toddler. My husband literally break down cry right there, he bawled. I don't mean just tear up, full on cry, bawling.

7 YEARS already and my husband still has our toddler dirty shoes and dirty clothes. Our toddler ashes is always with my husband in our home, his room is leave as is, my husband not want to change a thing in our toddler room. It still hurts so much 7 years already since he left us.

I won't lie, depression is very real, which we both have. So much losses on both sides. Death of his older sister, death of his father, his mom spinal cord stroke that leave her paralyze. Deaths' of both my parents. AND the death of our toddler, the child me and my husband had together. This is the pain that me and my husband will carry with us until the day we die.

We did think of die with our toddler at one point. But we choose to live for each others, and he also has his filial piety duty to financially care for his 84 years old paralyze mother whom has terminal illness.

But we did say if he die before me, or I die before him. He will very soon follow me, just like I will very soon follow him. Call it depression talking if you want.
But my husband is right when he said if I die before him, all it takes is ONE second of grief for him to blow his brain out with a 12 gauge shotgun.

We both depress as f, I am in therapy, he is not, he not want to go. He keep use his demanding work his career, and he has to care for his mom, as reasons not to go to therapy. And tell me he will go after his mom die.

7 years already we live with this pain, The reason why we still living is because we live for each others, we should have die die 7 years ago with our toddler. Fate just cruel sometimes, Fate tied me and my husband together, but then fate also took our toddler away from us.

I am a 35 year old woman who has wanted to have children for a while. I have not done it yet, mainly due to the fact that throughout my 20s, I was focused on getting a lot of therapy for sexual abuse recovery and it was never the right time for me to get into a relationship. I struggled for a while but then since around the age of 32, I have felt healed, mentally healthy and am better at relationships. Then it took a bit of time to find my partner. I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have only just started trying to make a baby. Our relationship is loving and stable.

I know I have had dark times back when I was talking through the abuse from my childhood and I needed to heal at my own pace, but nowadays I am doing well. I bought a property on my own, have steady average income and I am mentally well. I have worked in the charity sector for a long time but do art markets on the side selling my art and want to eventually work in full time creative work.

I recently felt like old school friends were distancing themselves from me. I messaged one to see what was going on and she told me that "you've always seemed a little lost on where you are going in life. The thought of you having a baby when it always seems like you are struggling to keep yourself afloat is horrible. It takes a lot to raise a baby, they need to be in the right environment and I just can't sit and watch you do that". What are people's thoughts on her saying this?

I will add, I have felt lost job wise up until recent years for good reason. A lot of the time, I was focused on healing my inner child and went to some low places. This meant getting a career was not my main priority. Also, I always had a job, mainly in roles with abused children. I was passionate about that at the time, for obvious reasons. Now that I am healed, I want to go in a completely different direction.

I want to be an artist and a mother and those are the 2 most important things to me in my life. I am not sure why my old friend thinks the thought of me having a baby is horrible?! Her wording makes it sound like my future baby would be in a bad position being with me and it is just rude. I take pride in being independent and I am not "struggling to keep afloat". I also think it is ok to study and change careers whilst having children. If anything, it shows them work ethic and passion.

I’ve always been very confident, outgoing, assertive, social. Never felt jealous in my life and never even thought to compare myself with a partner’s previous partners.

I’m 40yo female and been dating a widower for 3.5 years.

It’s been so turbulent because I keep walking away when I feel like my boundaries have been crossed but I eventually go back to him because I truly do love him like I’ve never loved anyone before. I don’t remember ever loving my ex husband of 15 years like this.

Most of the issues stem down to me feeling 2nd place to his late wife. He fiercely denies it and says he didn’t treat her better than me, but the facts are so clear…

* he has made no gesture or commitment to me after all this time, he’s happy to see me a few times a week and has no plans to live together (says he wants to but so many reasons why, mostly financial). Just empty promises about “our future”

* meanwhile he lived with his late wife straight away, married her and then renewed vows as a big 2nd wedding just before she passed away from cancer with all his friends and family, gave her family heirlooms, still lives in the house they bought together (the house she also died in)

* he’s called me horrible names but says he never spoke to her or any other partner like that

* she shared her cancer journey very publicly in mass media interviews as well as her own blog where she repeatedly shares loving stories of how he cares for her and helps her… as well as how her stoma didn’t impact their intimacy because he made her feel so comfortable

* in comparison, when I was extremely vulnerable dealing with abuse from my ex husband and trying to sell the family home alone (ex husband abandoned us and went overseas), dealing with my kids emotions and trying to find somewhere new for us to live, he repeatedly betrayed my trust by exposing my secrets/sensitive/personal info to inappropriate people including one of my enemies.

* he criticised me and made sure his closest family were against me when I asked him to move his late wife’s wedding photo from the front door of the house into either their kids room or change to a photo of her and the kids - I waited 2.5 years before saying anything because I was trying to be respectful but I realised he would never move it because he thought it was fine.

* he wanted me to move into his house, I never did, but after 2 years dating I found his late wife’s lingerie in a drawer in his bedroom and his ensuite cupboards and drawers still filled with her things. She had passed awah 8 years proper.

Many many more examples but overall this relationship has changed who I am as a person, my nervous system is destroyed and i don’t feel like I can trust him 100% - some things are choices, not mistakes, right?

Am I being unreasonable for feeling 2nd place? He gets so angry that I don’t just believe him. He says I’m so important to him and his best friend- I really think he believes his own lies, because his actions and words couldn’t be more opposite??

I've (41F -divorced) been together with my partner (43M-never married) for almost 3 years. Obviously a lot of context will be missing, but they live about 30 minutes away. Due to a divorce and working to finish my degree I live with my parents with my three kids. He has no kids (I don't know if that's relevant but it's stated) So while it's not long distance it is a distance that sucks it's not pleasant and it sometimes causes strain in the relationship.

We typically talk every day usually for a few hours throughout the day. Partner owns a house it's small so the option to co-habituate is a zero option right now. This last week classes started for myself, he had a test that was needed to be taken for work which was several uninterrupted hours. Resulting in very little to no communication throughout the week. Which ya know life happens. Typically, we spend time together on the weekends at least one day or at least really try. This weekend there was an event they wanted to attend which is fine- I had some errands I needed to get done with my kids.

The problem is there's been little effort on his end to make plans. He said he feels that he can't because I'm busy. Which is but isn't true. I make an effort to make plans of spending time together I come up and stay at his house on at least one weekend night when I don't have my kids. This weekend just has felt different. I felt like I was nothing but an option and only for his convenience. I personally haven't felt like this before in our relationship where I didn't feel like I was worth making time for especially after not talking as much through out the week.

We don't see each other daily. I know we need to have things in our life that is separate from each other. But we had a conversation yesterday that he felt that I always get mad when all the attention isn't directed in my way. I responded in saying that I just wanted to feel like I was considered in your life also when we haven't spent time together all week and haven't talked. I'm honestly exhausted over the conversations that men and women hear things differently. I just wanted to spend time with a person I love and care about and I felt like I was just a needy jealous girlfriend. Maybe I am. My feelings though are really hurt. I feel shamed for wanted to spend time with someone who has said they want to get married and start a life with. Stuff like this just makes me feel like I'm wasting my time and hoping too much to be chosen by someone who just wants to remain a bachelor forever.