“But my life hasnt been easy! How can you say that?!” How many of your struggles were caused by society wishing them upon you, or from not offering you the same support all your peers got growing up? Im also at the same risk of getting sick or... the basic life struggles.

Im so done. The only thing that makes me feel good is the thought of dying at this point. Im never gonna find the type of love every girlfriend I know has had hundreds of times over. Dont get caught up on that point please. Or do.

I wake up. I open any app. Its all about how do I make myself more appealing to the opposite gender all over everywhere. I lost my youth to prejudice. I dont see love being a real possibility because Im just too feminine of a man for these man loving men. Literally a defect in our societys structure, and theres nothing for me to live for.

I (25ftm) just lost my apartment and had to move back in with my parents. My boyfriend is in an eating disorder facility and now, I have to handle everything on my own. I feel like im drowning, I feel like I am one more bad day away from looking up the most efficient way to kill myself. I am terrified to die, but i would rsther die then deal with everything my brain is going through. My reality is shattering, nothing makes sense, pain doesnt register. I have lost my ability to talk to anyone close in my life, as if my tongue has been taken out of my mouth. I can't do this anymore. I can't take how much my reality is shattering. Everything is nothing but shapes and the only thing I feel is shame and I cant do any of it anymore. My mental health is getting so much worse, and while my partner is in treatment. I have to be the one to handle everything, to pay for everything, and I feel like my life is turning into a horrible pattern of disappointment and I cant do it anymore. I need help, but i am so afraid to ask for it because they might try and put me in the fucking hospital, and then I cant kill myself or work. It will either be tonight or tomorrow and everything hurts. Everything fucking hurts.

I've never hurt anyone but I've been addicted to online csem for years now, which is arguably just as bad. I tried to end my life a handful of times until I got diagnosed with OCD/depression, started meds, and felt like a human again for a year or so. I had a good streak going where I believed I was just having intrusive thoughts and wasn't actually attracted to children, but about a month ago I spiralled back into porn and opened up to my therapist who called the cops on me.

This could've been where my story turns around since mentally I felt like I could still stabilize, except I suddenly had the first seizure of my life thanks to the life-saving antidepressants I'd been tolerating perfectly for a year. So now I can't take my meds without risking another seizure, putting my brain back at square fucking one. In this month's spiral I've lost my job, I'm on the verge of failing the school I get health insurance through (it's a military thing), and I can't drive for the next three months because of the seizure.

Not that any of that matters because I'm ready to end it. I have the tools necessary, I'm honestly just waiting till my family goes to bed.

Even if I get through school, I still have to find a whole new psychiatric cocktail to balance with seizure medication and figure out how to stop being a pedophile. Idk if it makes sense to anyone else, but my path forward in life looks genuinely impossible.

Two yrs ago in February, I overdosed and unfortunately survived. I think about how much i regret not taking more. Since then I have been through two residential programs. I can't see myself making it past 18, and my 17th birthday was not too long ago. I wish it could end. I keep overhearing my parents talking about sending me back because they think i'm starving myself. Im not. In fact I've been trying to eat more, so normally i would go to the bathroom to smoke to get me hungry again. My parents take this as me throwing up after we eat. I can't do it anymore If i find out Im going back. So many things I can't forget about those places, just makes me not want to go back.

It took so long for me to take off after school. I couldn't seem to find a job and have a life of my own, I simply DIDN'T know how to, and I remember clearly that I thought, if by certain age I hadn't managed it, then it didn't make sense to keep trying. Then I finally had some semblance of a life, but had a medical urgency that left me out for 1 year and a half. Lost my job, and now I'm back at square one, and once again it feels like I won't ever get a life. Everyone around me has great things, jobs, houses, partners, and I have nothing. Is life as hard for everyone? If it is, people are managing and I'm not. If it's not, then there's something wrong with me. Either way, I'm the problem.

I am going on vacation in 2 days to visit my family and I promised to myself that when I get back I would end my life. I’m going to really enjoy myself for about a week as much as I can and show my family I love them very much before I leave.

Two months ago, I tried to kill myself by ingesting some pills. I’m not going to go into specifics. I really was trying. I was not fake trying. I wanted out.

I texted my boyfriend that I was going to do it while my husband was at a party. Yes, I am a shit person. Don’t worry, I know. My boyfriend panicked and called me just to see if it was true or what was happening. It’s the first time I ever did that to anyone, by the way. And when I hung up on him or finally fell asleep, I don’t remember, he called the police and the firefighters. They broke into my house and saved me. Great.

I was left in the hospital for around 24 hours, and that was it. The feeling hasn’t changed. The life situation has changed only in the fact that I am no longer with my boyfriend for many reasons, mostly because I am a problem. But I have come to realize that I am a problem.

I am an extremely bad mother. I have no motherly instinct. I’m cold and mean. I am a bad partner. I am a cheater. I don’t like my husband, but at the same time, my life depends on him. I have no way of living independently. I live in his country. I don’t speak the language of the country. There is no possibility of me going back. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 10. We have two kids.

I am just a very ungrateful person overall, of course. But I’ve had this feeling that I want out on and off since I was 15, and definitely more steadily in the last three years. I am taking an antipsychotic right now, olanzapine, 5 mg. But the feeling is still there.

I am so at peace with the idea of it. Not this weekend, but next weekend my husband has something with his company, and my daughters will be sleeping at their grandmother’s, and I think that’s the day that I will do it because I don’t want anybody to be around me to rescue me this time. I will not tell my ex-boyfriend, and I will leave my letters out. I have also been thinking about making sure another attempt would be more lethal than the previous one.

I don’t see myself as giving any value to life. My daughters are three and five. They have time to forget me. My husband is still young and good-looking and successful. He has time to find someone else, and my daughters will have a stepmom, and everybody’s life will be better because this broken, sad, cheating, bad-parent version of me doesn’t work, and I’ve been trying to fix it for three years straight with no success.

I live in constant sadness and melancholy, and nothing ever changes. I thought the antipsychotics were going to help, but they haven’t. I am just so sad all the time. I am sad about getting old. I am sad about aging. I am sad about everything.

I just don’t see the point in having to stay alive. I don’t contribute anything positive to the life of anyone.

i'm a senior in hs and i'm moderately busy as a result of all that i do. i'm a squad leader in my marching band and it has been really difficult as of recently. i'm the only person who actually tries to go above and beyond for our section, and it's really frustrating that no matter what it's all put on me. i am the person who collected shirt-sizes for more than just my section, does attendance every morning without fail, made a dietary form so i could accommodate everyone even though i didn't need to, helping design the shirts because the person who was supposed to isn't doing it, filling in for our instructor who barely shows up, ran out in the pouring rain from fittings to help save sound equipment, took care of MANY people who were going to be sick, provide bandaids and support when i dont have to... and what do i get in return? NOTHING. NOT EVEN A THANK YOU FROM MY FELLOW SQUAD LEADERS WHO SHOULD BE HELPING?

and you wanna know how i'm gonna cope? by throwing MORE stuff on my plate! of course, because i also need to be a treasurer and apply to be an executive for my county council committee, SURE. WHY NOT? if i didn't have to do all this, i would've od'd LONG AGO. but no, of course, i have to paint myself as a hero that despite being bullied all of my life i'm shielding others from such a fate! as if. i should've just given up, nobody actually cares if i go missing one day. they'll move on eventually.

i don't have friends, i'm going to fail all my classes, my mom calls me a failure, i'm worth NOTHING. why do i even try and do all of this? is it even going to make a difference when i'm gone? i just want to fall asleep forever...

Every night before bed I get these intrusive thoughts that I should just kill my self. I start envisioning how it would be to die and thinking of what to do before I pass. I have made no plans and in general my life is okay, I am young and just got into uni. I have a social circle and no major issues so I am struggling to understand why is this happening. I haven’t talked to anyone about it but it worries me because it has become something constant for me.

(P.s. Sorry for my english, it’s not my first language)

I'll be quick, not many things in my life went the way I wanted, there were a lot of issues but I need to talk about a specific one. I had no partners for almost all of it, never a girl talked to me flirting or anything like that, never even started conversation actually

But I did end up finding a person I loved for 3 years, at the start I thought she was great, but then she started sounding morr and more reluctant to the idea of spending time with me, which we never did in any way

The more we spend together, the more disgusted she was with the idea of love, with me calling her in any way that wasn't her name, and in spending time together, to the point we only had 1 date in our relationship that lasted less than an hour

I let all that slide justifying in my own head that she had healt issues, that she had her own problems, and that she loved me but would open up and enjoy more connection only when she was better (which was something she usually said)

But then, she started telling me how physically disgusting I was to her, that even if she loved me and seeing me this way wss the last thing she wanted, it was also the only thing she could see in me

I kept going with her a year after she started doing that, because she needed support in the treatments of a few of her medical conditions, but it was killing a part of me

We ended things at the start of this year, she was too disgusted with me to keep going, too disgusted with the idea that I'd want to tell her 'I love you', to disgusted with the thought that I was attracted to her

And honestly, I can't imagine loving again, I can't imagine sexually desiring someone again

I had to keep that thoughts and behaviors hidden for years just to not hurt her, I saw how utterly horrible those were on her eyes, and at some point I suppose a part of her view integrated with mine

I can't imagine loving a woman again, desiring a woman again, because I feel like that'd be horrible, that I'd be a monster that only wants to hurt others by forcing them to be with me

My body doesn't even work anymore, I used to be happy if I was close to a pretty girl and such, but now I feel bad and self conscious, I feel strongly that I need to apologize to her for even be in her proximity

I feel like ripping my skin of, I don't want to die, I'd like to keep dedicating my life to help those in need

But truly, I don't want to live anymore too

My dad recently lost the family's life savings to the stock market because the current administration is making the economy going to shit. He keeps talking about how he cannot continue any longer and how his thoughts are consuming him. The other week, he told my sister that he will be gone very soon.

Today, he is sorting his affairs out with the family, informing them of what we should do when he is gone. He made me promise to take care of my sisters and mom. I am the oldest in the family and have completed my college education. I am looking for a job, but all my applications are going into the void and I cannot find one in the event that he passes soon.

I really don't want him to die. I tried telling him to get help and he refuses. He is showing every red flag there is but my mom says to not call the cops and seek out intervention help. She says he won't do it. My sisters do not care either and act like its a normal day. I feel like I am going insane and see a trainwreck happening before my eyes and in slow motion but everyone is telling me not to act and make things worse.

What can I do here?

It has been two months since I attempted. I've come so far since then yet I feel like I'm one bad experience from going back there. The depression doesn't go away. It just lingers. I cried because I thought about how I wouldn't be here where I am if I did attempt. But it doesn't feel like happiness or relief to me. I'm not in a bad situation. I have a life people would dream for. Yet I just feel the I do. I have no reason to which makes it worse for me. Sometimes I just wanna go buy the gun already and relieve myself from everything.

Please talk with me

I collect social media of women I'm interested in and have over 4 thousand photos and 40 albums organized of different women. I screen shot and screen record their social media and save it for later. This isn't really a crime nor all that harmful, just mostly distasteful to people I tell about it and they recommend therapy anyways. I've come to a point that I know this may just be the better avenue for me. I'm a human that doesn't even want to be human. I hope one of them kills me or I just eventually give up and give myself the end Ive wanted for so long, even as a middle schooler.

I don't have any drive to harm these women. It's the rejection and the fact that they live on to just find someone else. Matter of fact this is something no one knows or suspects of me when I'm in public and I behave on my best behavior. If you're a woman and you reject me in person, I take it on the chin and honestly be even more respectful and abiding to their boundaries and needs. I still liked these women, I'm no incel. The best ME I can be to everyone and everything living thing I'm willing to give my life for, I give so much compassion to others.

Im still a shut in and have been addicted to pornography for some years, so maybe not a surprise I've devolved into collecting social media posts of women maybe, just maybe I could realistically date. I've been in therapy, I just don't believe in it and it's not something I really think works for me as I have to want to change for that. The way therapy even is I can't stand. This healing shit is just annoying as shit fluff to me, tf do you mean heal, I was hurt by rejection and still can't jist wave it off??

I really want this off my chest as, now Ive started to imagine getting hurt by the women I do this over. I mean I already think none of them like me, or at least will eventually fall off after I can't give enough, so I feel my imagination, shame and guilt will try to counter me. I can imagine the women I know would never want to talk to me can if I imagine it hard enough, I can do the things they actually like that maybe I don't typically do like sports, like music, like dancing whatever they may want I can do it damnit.

The women I imagine now though are almost Monstrous and mean and they beat me. Women have men bother them directly enough, I'll keep myself isolated and restricted because I know myself well enough that I'm going to just be another horror story for these women if I actually tried to talk to them, I have to do this I can't keep fucking up in front of women or I have to end myself I have to. I always come to a revelation that this is a lifestyle I am choosing, but also might just be best living with.

Addition: if it does mean anything. I am sorry to these women. I wish I was a normal guy or person that can just handle rejection and dating romance/relationships as a whole, "give the other woman a chance to surprise you, just never give me certainty or confidence I will like anything about them and I often don't. I wish I didn't go this way or like this, I'm good close friends with some of these women. I still look out for all my friends but I just can't find someone that fufills me and I for them and it's tearing me part 🙁 It's just is what it is and just works for me. You can see this as more of a tragic direction that others don't have to follow. I just go this way as it's been serving me more than it hurts going through dating.

If you want some extra drama I think I hate my mom and some women in my family. At least the relationships aren't good on my side.

I'm gonna kill myself tonight if something doesn't get better. It's been months now. I feel so helpless and alone. My mom is in a lot of debt and in 2 weeks if she doesn't pay rent she will get evicted. I can't sleep because of that. My dad is not supportive of me (I live with him unfortunately). He won't help me financially in a month when I start college. Going to college was my dream.Here where I am from it's hard for me to get a job at this age, I have a job as a birthday party planner but that's not everyday and definitely not paying enough for either me to help my mom or for my college. Please don't ask any more questions about my situation in the comments I just explained it. When I finally kill myself successfully I'll NEVER have to feel this way again. No more stress or sleepless nights or parents who don't support me. It will be easier for all of them if I just die. Unless a miracle happens which will never. It's been like this for months

Simple as that, really. Don't know how to act as a normal person, and I don't think much can change that. I don't know how to seek work, make friends, navigate or even enter the dating scene, maintain hobbies or interests, exercise, improve as a person, nothing. My whole life up 'til now has been solely committed to helping others, so I don't have much an identity to speak of.

My body's deteriorating, the world's getting worse, I will never live comfortably even if I suddenly find the panacea to being normal, I just don't really see the point. Sometimes I feel like I'm too casual about suicide, but really, there's just nothing else to look forward to but dying.

All I ever wanted was to be someone's priority. The first person they reach out to, the person they'd hold while I tried to feel small, somebody who could help me escape this endless, mind-numbing cycle. Hell, the only way I can cope nowadays is by numbing the mind to anything that happens. Car broken into? What a shame. Rejected from my twelfth job this month? Unlucky. Mother forgets how to parent my little brother? Some games just aren't meant to be won.

I'm so fuckin' tired nowadays, the end is likely approaching soon. Feel kinda bad for those that know I exist, they're in for a rude shock eventually, but if I didn't adopt apathy as a coping mechanism, I'd be long gone by now. Too tired to be selfless anymore, I can be selfish as a treat, surely.

dysphoria is ruining my life everyday i cant sit down without being hyperaware of my hips or thighs or breasts i cant go outside because i see men outside and it just makes me want to hide more no joke i think about killing myself at least 10 hours everyday but i wont ever make an actual plan cuz im a coward. i need financial independence to start to transition and when the time comes in about 3 years even if i am brave enough to cut everyone off and start my life from 0 shit takes years god knows i wont even ever look like a normal man im already 19 estrogen ruined my body and there is no fixing bone structure. i dont even know if i can hold on until then. nothing in my life is even worth being sad over, i go to a good school im smart my family has money its my brain ruining my life for me, i feel like im the only abnormal person in this world

I don’t have any pills or a rope.

I have complicated feelings about life. I don't think I enjoy being alive, and the only thing keeping me here is my fear of death, which I still haven't been able to overcome. I can't feel good in my own body; I feel like I've completely ruined it, and I don't think anything could ever restore the confidence I once had in myself.

Maybe loneliness is cruel in the way it feeds these feelings when I'm already so vulnerable, but I don't know if having people around would be enough to change that either. Maybe having people who care about me would only distract me from the pain more often, rather than truly take away this lack of love for life.

I feel useless honestly, I don't have any goals in life except for dying one day. I don't have friends, nor am I intelligent or anything. My parents think I'm a disappointment because I can't bring myself to do anything but lay in bed all day or play video games. I genuinely try my best to get motivated but due to depression and schizoid traits I don't want to go outside and socialize. Honestly idk what to do anymore, everything feels pointless. I just had an argument with my mom too, I'm only 15 years old and rn I'm debating if I should overdose on my anti depressants or not.

I might sound dramatic, and I might sound selfish but I need someone to hear my cries into the universe maybe just to vent or to find someone who will convince me to rethink my thinking and I truly appreciate you if you read this whole thing, SO I’m a newly single about to be 30 year old mother and I feel like my life is falling together yet seemingly so far apart, nothing makes sense and I feel like I’m being ripped apart, let my start off my saying my kids are my reason for living, for breathing, for going on, but is that sustaining me? They have their dad and they have their wonderful grandma, so do they really need me? How is it possible that people infantilize me but still need me ? Why is everyone around so cruel and angry? Yet the people I love seem to be doing better while I’m melting away trying to keep everything afloat, I was once a girl with dreams and two parents madly in love and a brother who loved me once, then suddenly I was a girl with a dead dad and a despondent mom and a baby on the way and now a autistic middle aged woman who still lives with her mom who now has four kids and a failed faux marriage and a ugly failing body, he’s getting his life together and becoming a better dad and I’m falling apart trying to help lift everyone up and I just smile wide just in case I have the leverage of surprise so no one can stop me when I chose to do the unthinkable, BUT the elephant in the room is how If I can see my accomplishments but no one else can do they even matter, I have given up everything to be the fixer in my family, to make sure my children don’t end up like me without a way to figure out how cruel the world is, I had an enchanted childhood but of course helicopter parenting can cause unintentional consequences and this makes it so hard for me to know how to balance making the world magical for them but showing them how cruel humans can be but sometimes I don’t have answers or tools of understanding to give them and I get so downtrodden that I can’t breathe sometimes, the other day a lady yelled at my autistic son for waving hello and I wanted to bury myself in earth and let it reclaim me because there’s absolutely no way this is the same world I grew up in, let me say the world has beaten me to death already, I was born with EO schizophrenia which basically means I don’t know or remember a time before I had hallucinations I also have autism, EDS with frequent arm subluxation, ADHD, OCD, BPD all diagnosed in inpatient hospitalization, hashimotos disease,PCOS , IBS, thrombophilia, Adenomyosis and probably more medical issues that definitely aren’t being noticed by my doctors or that have yet to develop and some days it feels like I can’t breathe or get up and because of them I do, I use all my strength to survive the day and still everyone seems to be angry with me, my absolute best means nothing to anyone and I don’t think it ever will, my children are all neurodivergent as well my oldest has severe ARFID and my second born son has panic attacks daily and has super sensitive hearing and my third autistic son is socially inept but supremely intelligent and elopes often, my daughter has supercharged hyperactivity they are all so intelligent and defiant but I lay awake at night sometimes and apologize to them, just to let it out, I’m so sorry that I brought them here to be hurting like I am to be in this really awful world with all the hatred and degradation going on and our stupid broken family, my brother stopped talking to me when our dad died he has an inexplicable hatred towards me even though he died when I was 15 and not even socially 15 in my head, my cousin who grew up alongside me didn’t see a reason to have to be around me once he was gone either but made friends that had the same condition as me (but I was faking?) and my family has essentially stopped caring about what happens to me , they appreciate my kids but of course all the ones who were around and watched me grow up continue to resent me for things as a result of me being an AuDHD child who was prone to meltdowns and overwhelm from being forced to take part in every Mexican family activity, and my mom who is my biggest supporter helper and advocate has been rightfully irritable since my brothers arrest of which I still don’t fully understand, and can’t handle most pressures outside of her very labor intensive job that barely pays the bills we have and living paycheck to paycheck is painful, the kids have everything they need but I can’t even remember the last time I even bought myself anything that wasn’t basic food and I’m just so lost, I’m trapped in the house and I can’t get off disability and my ex is improving himself while I watch and perhaps I’m starting to grow an acceptance of everyone growing away from me, the members of my family that truly loved me once are dead except for my mom and my kids, it kind of feels like everyone gave me the rucksack while they run ahead, I’m being proverbially left behind which is a parallel to how my life has always gone, my friends abandoning me at the mall, my cousin and her friends locking me in the closet so I wouldn’t bother them, the neighborhood kids throwing pebbles at me so I would leave, my ex getting tired of me, it’s just my lot in life I guess and I don’t want to be the punchline anymore, everyone who befriends me tires of me and I’ve never found anyone who could listen to two sentences of any of my info dumping so I usually just study things quietly and talk to myself about it so I don’t cry, my mom doesn’t respond when I talk and I know it really isn’t her fault because she’s likely add herself and is always in her head about appointments and bills and no one hears me or listens, I am the emotional support for their dad who was emotionally abused as a kid and now has BPD as well because I cannot turn a person down who needs me, why I’ll never be able to know now I guess, but anyway I just know how intelligent I am and I only see my future going one way unless I absolutely fight with all my might and I think I’ve just lost my will to fight and I’m just hoping everyone else can be happy and find happiness because it’s way too late for me, the world took that a long time ago, any potential I had or was going to be was taken from me, I’m a wise brain with so many wiring mistakes and a broken spirit and also I don’t think I can watch him be with someone else, I want so much for him to be happy but I think it would shatter my heart because he’s the only one to never cheat or do a shady thing to break my heart and that’s what hurt so much, how do you fall out of love after 13 years, just how, maybe it’s my mind but when I love something or someone I can’t let go and even the people that have hurt me I wish the best for them going on and I think my heart is literally crushing me, like every time I hurt again it cuts into me like glass and I’m gasping for air again, maybe just maybe me even going on this long is a miracle in itself and maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around with my nuances and qualms, no one understands what it’s like to need something akin to a hug but unable to ever relax into one, to never feel comfortable while hugging your kids or your own mother, even just that thought makes me want to disappear because why did my mind have to be this broken, who decided that for me, I just want to see some light in all this darkness, I watch my old friends 30th birthday parties and fun and I won’t have any of that because I don’t have friends or anyone out there in the world who would notice if I’m gone and that always brings me to tears, well anyway thanks for reading if you did, any advice is welcome but I know it was mostly a rant, peace.

Don't feel suicidal to night, but just feeling bad. (I'm pretty bad at keeping conversations going x) )

I'll try tomorrow.