I don't participate much here but have lurked for a few years. It seems there is an increase of single women lamenting their relationship with married men.

Isn't there another sub for that specific situation?

Because newsflash, ladies, as a woman who also had affairs, ** he is not leaving his wife for you.

99% of the time affairs are not about loving the other person, it's loving how the other person makes one feel. There's an affair bubble. If you're the 1% who wins a man away from their wife, 99% chance he cheats on you too when the bubble bursts.

Go find an available man and use what you learn from the married guys to put positive energy into the relationship you really deserve.

And read all the posts here from people who believed they were in love with an AP only to get dumped, ghosted, etc. It's brutal over here.

I have to put this here to get it out since he and I can’t talk right now. AP is an amazing man, a totally unexpected person who has my entire heart. We have been together for 8 months and it’s been amazing.

I had to delete Signal Friday and when I reinstalled, I fat fingered and accidentally called instead of messaging. I hung up after about two rings, but apparently he was in the car and it popped up on CarPlay (we don’t normally call, so no idea what it appeared as). He was able to hit me up once and said he didn’t want to just disappear but has to lay low for a while and lots of questions arose from the call, although it seems he was able to wiggle out of it (but personally as the wife of an adulterous man, I know the seed has been planted now).

He also reassured me I’m safe and only my initials came up, which is so sweet because that wasn’t even my concern - I am more absolutely DEVASTATED that I put him in that position. I feel horrible. I haven’t heard from him since, which is totally understandable…I just have no one else to process this with so my adulterous e-friends are it.

While I continue self-flagellating, any similar stories to make me feel better? How did you end up? My Signal is so buried in my phone behind layers this wouldn’t have happened to me, but it’s also a good reminder to pay very close attention and not get OPSEC lax.

We met for coffee a few times over the two years we knew each other. He would always talk about the Chi Tea he drank in another country when he was younger, and how the Chi here just wasn’t the same.

So I researched. I searched. I shopped around until I found the ingredients I hoped would recreate something nostalgic for him.

One morning, I brewed the tea and we sat by the water, watched the geese, and shared sips of the Chi I had made. It was such a simple moment, but it became one of those moments I knew I would cherish.

He ghosted me a month ago. No goodbye. No last words. He was simply gone.

After losing my father unexpectedly, I had hoped I would never again lose someone I cared about without a goodbye. We had even talked about that.

Today I walked into my pantry and saw three boxes of Chi Tea staring back at me.

I quietly picked them up and put them in the trash.

Maybe it’s silly to think that the sadness could go with them.

But I hope it does.

Some things are just tea.

And some things hold an entire memory inside them.

Anyone else with your AP with the intention of just being APs for a long long time? Like you are both married to someone else, and kind of just riding it out together? Is anyone in a relationship like this for 10+ years? How’s it going? I guess trying to find “success” and happy stories to keep mine going!

I spiraled. I thought I was strong enough, but I spiraled so bad. For the longest time, we never mentioned our spouses or our home lives. But a few days ago he mentioned a low key weekend because it was his wedding anniversary then posted an IG story, even though he rarely posts on IG; I didn't watch as we're not SM friends. All of which made me upset, and I ended up crying at work.

I realized I invested more into this than I thought I had, so I ended it. I told him that nothing long-term would come of this, like we discussed, and everything ultimately leaves me sad and disappointed because I can't have him to the capacity I wish I could, physically or emotionally. I wished him the best and stated happy anniversary (because I was feeling petty).

His response was nothing short of kind, if not generic: he's glad we met, I'm a great person, I have a great life ahead of me, take care and happy birthday, and maybe we'll cross paths again at my work (where we met). Again, I wanted more. I wanted him to miss me, to want me too, to try and hold on. I was left with closure but sadness still. Honestly, a reminder of why I needed to end it.

But it's been a couple of nights, and I'm still grieving. I'm doing well to not reach out again, thank goodness, but I'm sad. He was my first AP, so I don't know how to process all this. Any advice, words of encouragement, similar situations?

Those of you that are looking or have found your AP in Reddit, did you post yourself on an affair group?

I’m looking for that one man, that only wants one AP, that’s consistent, that’s excited to hear from me but I just can’t find that man by replying to posts by men. Thought I had found him but now he’s “busy” all the time, goes dark for hours, and as much as I like him I’ve kind of given up on him. I feel like after him chasing me for weeks, he’s caught me and lost interest, which means I’m losing interest too.

So for those that posted on one of the affairs groups yourself, particularly those in the U.K., how did you get on? I’m nervous of getting spammed, or just overwhelmed with responses if the comments by other women posting is anything to go by, or just attracting weirdos!

I have my post drafted out but I just can’t bring myself to press the button to post it. I guess I need reassurance.

I’m in my early 50’s, attractive, never been ghosted on how I look but I just can’t find that one…. the one I’m attracted to, that makes me laugh and who hangs around for more than a couple of weeks. I admit I’m fussy but surely it can’t be this hard?

(This is a back up account)

How do you cut off communication with someone that you feel is pulling away?
I’ve been seeing AP for over 8 months and their recent inconsistent communication is becoming such a turnoff. We used to chat all the time throughout the day and see each other at least once a week. That has dwindled to talking maybe once a day and seeing each other every other week or so.
I can tell I am no longer a priority or important to them. That being said, I still feel that rush of excitement when I see their name pop-up. How do you go about cutting something like that out of your life? AP has reassured me that nothing has changed on their end, but I just can’t seem to believe it given the drastic change. What would you do?

Long story short: bedroom dead and buried. Marriage not ended yet. Complicated situation and I need to feel more in control of my own life to go through with that.

Then I met this guy online! Similar situation. So we met up for a glass of wine, connected really well. He feels like a friend. We shared kissed at two occations. Now we’re looking into meeting up for more.

Just - kissing someone! I missed that SO much! It’s been many years! I feel giddy and alive! I am insecure but also so much looking forward to meeting up again, to kiss some more and who knows what else.

I hope this will give me the boost I need to take back controll over my own life.

My wife is good people. Our journey has not been easy and it’s had more than a few ups and downs. And in that she lost the desire.

But I still have needs and desires. I can’t spent a better part of my life with no passion, no desire and no wild crazy nights. I’m no fool, I know I’m no spring chicken but I don’t feel that I should be sex less in my 40s.

So I’m on the hunt for a woman in a similar position who’s lacking the same thing. Problem is I just can’t find one. I put my post out in the correct threads and I get nothing in return. It’s like crickets out there. I just feel like I just can’t catch a break here lol.

I’m a good man, and I’m respectful, hell I’m a good looking man and well endowed. And I’m just a little fed up and needy lol. I just want to desired.

I apologize if this post doesn’t belong here. 🤷🏼

AP & I were high school sweethearts. We've both been married to others and both on our second marriages. I'm about to cross 20 years with my second wife. She's been with her husband for 17 years. She still has a 15 year old with her husband. We reconnected on FB nearly two years ago. Talking turned into romance pretty quickly. We've been involved now going on two years.

Throughout our time together we've been very active because we have significant opportunity to be alone. But I was up front when it started that I had no plan on leaving my wife. AP on the other hand has planned on ending her marriage all along (nothing to do with me but their own issues). She kept saying it, But never acted on it.

In the two years we've been together, she's broken it off twice due to my FB posts about my marriage (wishing wife a happy anniversary etc..) But She always came back within a week, apologized for letting her emotions take over and we carried on.

Now to the present issue. We are both of a certain age where retirement is on the horizon. Toward that end I purchased a home in another state that will serve as my post work life primary residence. Needless to say this set her off. She's always hinted that she wanted to be more with me, but she came right out and said on our last meeting that she "won't be my dirty little secret" and that By doing what I did I wouldn't "choose her". She said some things about How she's broken and feels manipulated and that she'd be the better partner for me etc...

She left it with an open ended suggestion that I should choose her. I did not respond to her last message and it's been just over a week since we last messaged. I miss her. But I'm concerned that we've crossed a line in her mind. She clearly wants a relationship beyond the affair. I don't,

My original sentiments are true. I don't want to leave my wife. While we have zero intimate relationship, she's otherwise a great partner and great mom and grandmother. Not to mention that if my affair ever became public, my entire family would disown me including our kids. So "choosing" AP was never an option and she knew that from day one. I guess she's felt that over the years, maybe I'd change my mind?

So It's been over a week now with her not reaching out. Should I just let this die a natural death?

We met young, at the time, I(17f) and he(24m) crossed paths and have never left the others orbit. He was a broken, addicted alcoholic and I craved being there for him emotionally. He never crossed the boundary of anything physical, and was always respectful of my age. He was the only one that would ever tell me how brilliant I was, how cherished and kind I was. No one ever verbalized anything of value I offered as just being me before. I would always hang out with him while he was drunk in his apartment, listening to him ramble, sing, making sure he didn't fall asleep with the stove on/door unlocked ect.. During these times, he would always brush my hair over my ear, kiss my forehead/cheek/hands, but never anything more. He would fall asleep drunk a lot but I at least knew he was safe. I never told anyone ever my real feelings but came pretty close to it a few times with him. He expressed how precious I was to him; detailing how the delicate lens in which he viewed me through was deeply adored. How he never wanted anything bad to happen to me. There were so many moments where I would try to stop him from going to the bar and he would just break down crying saying it didn't matter, a few times he would yell at me and tell me to just get away from him because all he was-was bad. But I never thought that of him.

One night, somehow I was told by someone that he was outside my apartment crying drunk, hysterically for me. I went with him against my mother's protests and that night he was the most broken and lost I had ever seen him. His gf at the time got into a huge fight resulting in broken glass and a hand that needed stitching. This was the night that changed everything for me. He laid on the floor, tears streaming down his face and made me sit on his stomach as he told me he didn't want to hurt me but that he loved me, but I needed to get away from him, he cradled my face and kissed my hands. The authenticity and genuine expression - albeit while inebriated - was the first and last time I felt such tender ache. Still... little happened and soon after parted ways and he ended up in rehab.

Fast forward a long while....he invited me over for an evening out, we went driving and listened to music like the way we used to and it was just bittersweet for both of us, we ended the night with my head was on his shoulder as we drove and it was a pretty sad goodbye.

Then a year later, he invites me over for the same thing, and while we were sitting at the pizzeria, he tells me that he doesn't know what to do about his situation. I asked him what he meant, he fills me in on the fact that he has been seeing a girl for a while and that things with her seemed to be okay but now that I was sitting in front of him, he didn't know what to do. That she was great to him, supported him and was everything in a woman he hoped for but that he wanted to make the right decision. I was stunned, and more so embarrassed because I did not want him to feel like I was throwing a wrench into his life and expressed that I wanted him happy. Truth be told, I was not even thinking he ever even wanted something tangible with me. Two years or so after this meeting, I found out that he had married her.

Fast forward to now, me(33f) and him(40m) have been talking consistently inconsistent for the last two years. He's been initiating quite a bit... reaching out to on the most elusive one, randomly with check ins, songs that detail being in love, questionings of if this is how things are always going to be with us. Cryptic, but still clear in ways.

I know I should feel bad, but I absolutely don't. He called me recently and after a long chat, he and I have agreed to hooking up in secret. I know that while I feel these things for him, he is ultimately the one opening the door. I also know that given our history, I have largely gotten used to not expressing my feelings towards him, so to me, I can bury them much like how I always have. I did ask him if he wonders if this is all our connection was ever intended to blossom into or if we should try to walk away and he said that we just keep circling and getting back to this same point. He and I agreed to back off if feelings get involved....yet...how aren't they?? I digress... Lately he has been expressing stressors related to his wife and has even told me several times how he wished he made different choices, IMMEDIATELY after telling me he feels stupid for not paying attention and putting effort into someone who was always there for him and cared for him like no other... (me.)

I guess a huge part of me is annoyed because he italicized the importance of leaving feelings out of it, yet that is all he seems to do. Then, he also emphasized the importance of knowing as well that I need to understand that he made a promise that he intends on keeping because he is a man of his word. Like?

Does this seem like it's getting messy already?

Is he trying to gauge my affection/adoration for him? I'm getting this gaurded yet confessional vibe from him.

Why disclose so much if you only want so little?

Idk, IK this is probably never going to end with sparkles and confetti, I have no hope for them to even separate honestly....but if it does so happen to be the far fetched case and he pursued me, then perhaps. But so far, our entire history has given me the worst case of whiplash.

Any feedback welcome, and even if any men have perspective?

Thank you for reading.

I'm gonna go fro-up now.

I first posted here a couple of weeks ago, when the crazy thought entered my head for the 1st time in a 4.5 years-long affair that I wanted to really be with him, maybe he would choose me if I went for it…

Even in that post I acknowledged that idiotic and sudden dream felt like a precursor to the inevitable end.

We were supposed to see each other today for the first time in 5 months.

But his trip (work excuse) was canceled Thursday. I was very upset. (When we met we lived nearby, then 2 yrs ago I moved out of state.)

All weekend I felt empowered to end it — He’s not thoughtful, he’s not communicative; he’s not even around!

All weekend I felt positive about it ending.

But now that it’s actually ended, I feel deep grief and aching loss.

We talked today and both acknowledged it’s over. He said this isn’t fair to me, he can’t give me what I deserve. “I’m holding you back,” he said. He switched between that and making it clear he wants to be committed to his family, he doesn’t want to leave. I didn’t protest. I said only you know what you need to do.

I know this is for the best but it still hurts a lot.

For 4.5 years this man held SO much of my heart. I thought about him every morning, afternoon and night. And my body has never known love like how we made it. And my soul came to life in his eyes. I adored him.

Oddly, he did also say “You’ll be hearing from me,” before we got off the phone. I’m not sure why. We’re both averse to a dramatic sharp end I guess.

There’s no one to cry to now, no one to seek comfort in, because obviously I’ve kept being a mistress in love with a married man a secret.

But he’ll go home to his wife, kiss her hello with a smile, eat whatever hot meal she made him, and be fine.

I know it’s for the best but I still feel what people feel when their hearts are breaking.

I think what I was (am? trying to break it) addicted to is not exAP as a person, as much as the cycle of losing and restoring connection with him.

Closeness felt good. then something would suddenly shift and I felt alarmed, confused, and very compelled to figure out what happened. Then hed come back. a like, a meme, sexual attention, warmth. and I get this enormous sense of relief. That relief was like a morphine drip and kept the entire thing alive for years.

Tbh a lot of me is still trying to recover the warmth of the first few months of the damn affair, and prove that his later withdrawal didn’t mean there was something wrong with ME. His desire has become evidence I use to acquit myself. Sometimes I think I want him, when what I actually want is proof that he loved/misses/still thinks about me.

The sunk cost fallacy was one of the biggest traps. So much time, effort, resources, risk.. maybe if I held out long enough hed show up the way i needed. So when he breadcrumbed I responded. When he gave warmth my system lit up and I kept the connection moving.

My intellect already understands that this dynamic was emotionally expensive, inconsistent, and almosy always incompatible with what I actually wanted. The remaining work is behavioral for me. tolerating the discomfort and shame, not restoring the connection if he finds away to reach out, not beating myself up if im suddenly extremely emotional.

Maybe that is how this finally ends. not through one big fuck you speech, or perfect internal revelation. But letting things erode until this whole song and dance of rumination feels.. boring.

As the title says, I can’t stop cheating.

I (28M) have never crossed a physical boundary, but I am addicted to the thrill of seeking out and finding a potential new partner. Not out of lack of love for my wife (27F), or a lack of attraction, but I am addicted to the novelty.

I have always felt this way, even in my previous relationships. Whether it is porn, or sexting, I always find myself looking outside.

I know the reasons, I’m aware of the faults and the trauma associated with my behaviour but for some reason the cycle continues.

Is this truly only combatted with therapy?

It's so reassuring to read the other posts and realize I'm not a monster.

I love my wife, but we're having troubles. Despite trying (or feeling like I'm trying) it doesn't seem to be helping. We'll go out on a 'date' and she'll say she had fun, and we should do it more -- only for me to go sleep in the guest room again. We recently had a serious talk, where I explained that I am not ready to be 'done with' sex for my life, and she just kind of shrugged it off. It's been over a year since we've had any sort of intimacy.

She is so nonchalant about us never having sex again, that I had assumed SHE must be having an affair. But, after some 'snooping' around on her, it seems she is just not at all interested in it at all. No secret apps. no secret conversations in texts or phone calls or emails... just regular ol' boring married life.

But, that's where I am now. I have been lurking on the DeadBedrooms sub for close to a year. but, sometimes those posts seem like they're the hapless victim (and I don't blame them, it's easy to feel that way). Reading about why people have strayed on this sub makes me realize I'm not alone.

I don't know that I'll ever actually go as far as to start talking to anyone. I joined Ashley maddison the other day, but it seemed like it's just a site full of scams and I don't have time for that.

I don't go out ever, so I don't even know how to meet anyone. and I was scared that the lack of options was the only reason I wouldn't go 'all the way' with this. Now, I think it's just a matter of time, and finding out a method of meeting someone that works for me.

No explanation, no nothing. I noticed that he deleted our chat and I could no longer find his handle. I knew it was probably going to end, but I didn’t think he would do it like this. We’ve been on/off for months and he’s at least had the gall to tell me it was over all those other times. This time he just…disappeared. This sucks and it hurts.

I was promiscuous before marriage and have now become adulterous after 15 years' monogamy. The landscape seems to have changed a lot. I was never once in my twenties asked to do deep throat; now it seems to have become the norm. Of the four guys I've seen since stepping out, all have suggested rough sex in some way (respectfully though). Choking, tying up, slapping, hair-pulling all seem to be universal turn-ons for guys now. I don't mind a bit of rough treatment from time to time but its prevalence has really put me off lately. Interested to hear men's perspectives on this: Is everyone watching the same porn? Is porn exclusively responsible for influencing men's (and women's) tastes? Is this a passing phase or an innate preference that's now become acceptable?

I (29F) have been in the affair world for a year now. I’ve had some very intense OA’s that lasted several months, and one AP who I got to meet and sleep with. There’s a certain point around the 1.5 month mark, where all effort stops on their side. No consistent communication, no time made, and nothing but excuses. Once I see this pattern, it’s addressed right away. If it continues, I have no issue cutting them off. Is this common? Do other women experience this? Am I just picking losers? I know that these things take time. I know you can’t expect to get lucky on your first try. I’m really not looking to be lectured, I just want to know when it got easier for other people as I’m left feeling unwanted and like a burden every single time it ends.

So I have been recently working on myself…trying to break old people pleasing habits and learn not to shrink myself as much. I recently has an AP that I had cut ties with without actually cutting them. I cut my warmth off bc he wasn’t showing up the way he used to. Anyway, I met him bc he is part of the swinger lifestyle my husband are in and hubby set up our only meet. He lives 2 hours away from me. But we hit it off personality wise and continued to text A LOT after that meet. Things were said and taken out of context and it made things weird and I don’t chase like that anymore.
Now to the point, sorry, I can get windy. Hubby and I went to a swinger weekend and had a great time with some great pics. But everyone in my everyday life are vanilla and I can’t share it with anyone. But I could with him. I miss our connection more than I care to admit. During our last interaction I was so cold in my reply greeting that he never responded and I haven’t heard from him since…that was a week ago today…
I want to text him the pictures and tell him all about it bc I know he would love it. But I also know that if I do text him and crack the door back open it will probably only end in hurt again.

Saying this out loud: I met a dynamic woman who lives on the other side of the country. We have effortless chemistry, deep conversations, and somewhere along the way, we started growing close. Dare I say it—I feel genuinely close to her. She even has me listening to Peter Murphy’s “All Night Long” on repeat. The distance complicates things, but I’m appreciating the connection and letting it unfold.

Long story short.
I broke things off with my AP almost 3 years ago.
We have known each other since teenagers and our lives have romantically circled into each others through the years on and off over the decades but nothing substantial due to life and locations locking us down.

I was divorced, she was unhappily married with kids. And what was a simple birthday message turned into a 4 year affair with plane tickets, holidays, hotels, meeting kids, feeling wanted and all the fun that comes with that.

Both of us felt seen, heard, connected, wanted. And we made plans for a future that we both knew was going to cost more than we were willing to give.

But in the end like every other time we tried. Life didn’t stop. And all the time I spent with her stopped me building my own family. So I ended it.

She took it harsh. She cut me out of her life for over a year. We are back on speaking terms now but it’s changed. She decided to stay with her husband and work things out there. We talk about surface level stuff and avoids any real topics.

I miss her every single day. And it feels like every step I take in my current life is a more final step away from any sort of life with her. And I don’t know if that’s a thing I’m ready for.

It’s her birthday this week. We haven’t spoken in months. I plan to message her. And I am just flooded with memories, feelings, concern. And I’m not really sure how to process it all.

I can’t share this with my partner. I can’t share this with my old AP. I can’t share it with my friends or family. So I’m just sharing it here.

Thanks for reading.

I don't know how much longer I can endure this marriage of mine. This weekend has been interesting. I have been silent but observing so much. And I am reminded why I have cheated on and off for so many years.

Ultimately, this marriage is so stuck in a normal routine work, kids,sports , bills and just surviving.

I am gonna share my weekend cause this feels like the only space to do so.

Let's start with Friday night, we are getting home from a long day of work, kids events and we are each on our sides of the bed. I am undressing, I take my top off and take my boobs in my hands and give them a friendly shake. Being playful and flirty. Considering earlier in the day we had already talked about having sex and having fun etc. so I was trying to get the mood going. He gives me this look. This look of oh they are just boobs. So I said something and he was like well ya but I didn't mean it like that... I said nothing more I continued to undress and was completely naked. Got in bed and laid down. My phone was on charger and completely dead so I didn't even touch it. I just laid there and went to sleep as he played on his phone. I felt not seen and like my efforts of trying are pointless. Nothing happened at all even sleeping completely naked.

Now let's address that he gets so upset and mad when I don't want to have sex but this just sends me mixed signals.

Let's go on to Saturday shall we. I woke up early and then he woke up too. I told him happy birthday cause well it was his birthday. He said thank you got up and dressed and left the room. It's Saturday I'm sleeping in lol so I went back to sleep. I had already decided we were not doing anything special cause I got nothing for my birthday why should I give him more , I know I'm selfish. He was quiet most of the day. Behind everything we had talked about finding a couple or single to play with so here I am talking away to tons of people trying to go through and find the right one. I asked several times if he was okay , he said ya so I didn't push. But here is what gets me. I am upstairs cleaning our room and he comes up to hang out. He is with me for 30 mins or so and doesn't say but maybe 5 words to me. He just played on his phone and watched me put clothes away. I initiated nothing. He leaves the room and THEN proceeds to TEXT me "I love you" like wtf you could have not said that to me in the bedroom you wait to get out of the room and TEXT me. Again I'm feeling unseen. But I say nothing.

We finally find someone and he is all on board the mood is better he is talking etc. When it comes time for the guy to come our way he starts to get nervous and is like well maybe not. Backs out very last minute. Okay whatever it's his birthday. We continue with just me and him. Have fun whatever. Go inside and go to bed. I get no cuddles no extra kisses nothing. He doesn't even tell me he loves me before going to sleep.

I keep thinking if he doesn't want me then why does he stay why does he fight for me every single time I say I'm leaving until I'm back and we make up. Nothing changes and it never will. 15 years and I know the outcome of everything.

Today he just gives attitude about things and I just stay quiet. And he gets upset I don't say anything but why say anything when I do he turns it around it makes it about something else doesn't take accountability for what he does to hurt me.

So if you ever question why I cheat, why I might seek an affair, it's cause I'm not seen I'm valued in the ways I should be. So me giving sex to someone who truly wants it from me or at least has an attraction from me to them, then i'm going to do it. I am not me anymore I need someone to give me more than just the bare minimum. Someone to sweep me off my feet, wow me and give me a good time. Help me find out who I am outside of this marriage and being a mom.

If you stayed this long to read, thank you and I appreciate you !!!

This is a burner account. I am writing here because I have found a place where I, hopefully, will not be judged, but, if that is the case, go for it, there is nothing people can say to me that I haven’t said to myself before.

My partner and me are together for 9 years. We were madly in love and in some point decided to move countries to start a new life. That is when our troubles started. We did have issues before, him being overly jelaous, passive agressive and dissmissive of my feelings and at some point shit hit the fan.
We entered a three weeks long fight about mutual friend - he thought I want to cheat on him with the friend (I did not), nor did I ever thought about cheating before that period of time.

At the same time, my partner’s friend from work became too friendly with me, texted me all the time and I entertained the conversation back, thinking I will never cross the line… until it happened.

I broke up with my partner and continued the “relationship” with AP.

I thought I had low sex drive, but, with him, everything was different. I felt like I have never felt before in my life. Waiting for texts, thinking about him all the time, daydreaming about him, I was in seventh heaven. Only, I wasn’t. We had three occasions when he would go silent and then continue the conversation with excuses of him being afraid of attachment, but, he does not want to lose me, I am that person for him… and back into the cycle.

I realised that my AP is never going to become my partner, we are too different, except craazy sexual connection we had and I broke it off. That emotional storm was too tough and hot-cold dynamic very confusing.

Soon my ex started texting me again, suggesting therapy, change… and I said yes.
We are still together, we are doing surprisingly well, do not fight, communicate, resolve, cooperate.

I did tell him that I was with someone after we broke up, lied about everything else because I did not want to hurt him again. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice because the guilt is killing me. It gets easier as the time goes by.

I feel like I have robbed him of the decision of wether to continue the relationship with me, his friend from work… and then again sometimes I think all of it needed to happen in some crazy, twisted reality.

Now, any reason for admitting everything would be selfish and it does not make sense.

I have never lied to him before or after, I have never even thought about cheating, yet, it happened. I think I am genuinely good person and refuse to label myself as a shitty one because of the mistakes I made.

I do not know why am I posting, it feels… like taking a bit of weight off my chest. Thanks for reading