I’ve come across this several times, but I’d love to understand its real context.

For some weird reason last two months have been very difficult. I am craving hugs and kisses a lot lately. I feel so hollow. I have no plans whatsoever to get married. I associate marriage with stress, verbal abuse and financial stress. I hate it. I am 28M.

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I'm 22 and I feel like I've spent the last few years watching my life pass by.

A particular addiction ended up consuming a huge part of my college life. Because of it, I avoided a lot of things I should have been doing. When placement season came, I didn't attend. I ignored referrals and opportunities that could have helped me start a career.

Now I'm unemployed and living with my parents.

The strange thing is that my parents aren't forcing me to get a job. They've been supportive and patient with me. Instead of appreciating that, I've often become distant, irritated, selfish and unsympathetic toward them. I hate admitting that because they probably deserve much better from me.

What scares me most is that I'm not ignorant of what's happening.

I know the consequences of staying unemployed. I know the career gap keeps growing. I know people my age are moving forward while I'm standing still. I know my parents won't always be around to support me.

I know all of this, yet I still struggle to act.

I've fallen into a cycle of avoidance. I avoid something important, feel guilty about it, distract myself, then feel even worse and avoid even more.

I also have a lot of perfectionist thinking. If one thing goes wrong, I sometimes feel like the entire day or week is ruined, so I stop trying altogether.

Over the last few years I've become very interested in philosophy and ideas like nihilism, antinatalism, meaning, existence, etc.

But there's something that bothers me about that.

Even though I spend so much time thinking about these things, I've also become increasingly hedonistic and materialistic. I chase comfort, food, entertainment, distractions and whatever makes me feel good in the moment.

Sometimes I wonder whether my philosophical thoughts are genuine or whether I'm using them as another way to escape reality.

And lately, the self-destructive side of all this has become darker.

I've had suicidal thoughts, and there have been times when I've genuinely felt like ending my life might be the only way to escape this cycle.

I'm not saying this because I want attention or sympathy. It's actually one of the things that scares me about myself. I don't necessarily want my life to end—I want this version of my life, this constant avoidance and feeling of being stuck, to end. But sometimes my mind doesn't seem to distinguish between the two.

I still go to the gym. I still eat, watch things, use the internet and find things that temporarily distract me. From the outside, I probably don't look like someone who's completely falling apart.

But internally I feel incredibly disconnected from my future.

I spend more time thinking than doing.

The hardest part is that I can't blame anyone else. A lot of the opportunities I missed were because of my own decisions.

I know I'm only 22. I know I could potentially rebuild my career and my life from here. But emotionally, I don't always believe that.

So I'm asking people who have actually been through something similar:

Did you ever reach a point where you felt like you'd destroyed your own future?

Did you deal with addiction, self-destructive behaviour, nihilistic thinking, avoidance, unemployment or suicidal thoughts—and somehow manage to rebuild yourself?

How did you get yourself to care again?

How did you stop chasing immediate pleasure and start taking responsibility for your future and the people around you?

If you were 22, unemployed and basically starting from zero, what would you do first?

I don't want people to tell me that everything will magically be fine.

I want to know how people actually got themselves out.

Because I don't want to wake up at 25 or 30 and realize that I spent those years exactly the same way.

If you lose the ability to look after yourself, humanity will consume you until there is nothing left. You will be abused, discarded, perhaps even killed, and your lack of social awareness, social acceptance, or intelligence will be used as justification for stripping away your human rights. Mercy disappears. Their eyes become demonic as they laugh, judge, and play in Satan’s playground. You will be used as a resource, bag & tag, feeding upon your suffering for money & power. The ego rules all, the evils of survival, will be used against your humanity.

Parasites are driven by ego, toxicity, superficiality, materialism, and competition. These beings wear human faces with black eyes, seeking to poison everything they touch, leaving others feeling cold, trapped, and tortured.

They devour everyone they touch. They will put people in the ground to achieve their goals. They never look toward divinity, unity, compassion, or spiritual inner strength.

Your mind, body, and spirit are your temple. Every person you allow inside can become a piece of it. Put your life completely into someone else's hands, and they will burn it. They will take advantage, they will tear at your inner peace until nothing remains and so will the matrix built around you.

What's more important: someone's humanity, or someone's masculinity?

These men wouldn't hesitate to put you in the ground if you stood between them and what they wanted. They consume until there is nothing left.

Existence is consumption.

Mankind is the puppet.
Mankind is the conduit.
And the Earth continues to feed its monsters.

There's blood beneath your lips.
There's blood beneath your boots.

There's no escape.
There's no saviour.

There's only your death.

So laugh it up.

Laugh until torment finally reaches your door.

Then your debt will come due.

For context, back in my second year of high school, I wanted to improve aspects of my life like my physique, my fitness, my looks, my social skills and social status because at the time, I became self aware of the social hierarchy and wanted to attract the popular girls because I was horny, had low self esteem and compared myself with others a lot.

Obviously it didn't work out in the long term because the desire was purely vague and came from a place of deep insecurity. So for the rest of high school it was always an uphill battle between trying to improve myself for these vague reasons while being depressed on the inside.

Fast forward to today, high school is over. I graduated. I don't talk to any girls from high school. I only talk to about 5 friends and even then I barely talk to them. But get this: I still have the desire to better myself.

This time the desire is literally just so that I like myself more. I'll always think of myself as flawed but I want to better myself for some self respect. I don't care about wanting to impress people or get baddies anymore.

But ever since high school ended, I became more nihilistic or at the very least, I just kept on questioning my life because it's meaningless. I now struggle to better myself because life feels meaningless and pleasure is just so distracting in the moment.

I ask myself: "what's the point of trying?" and then when I reflect on my life, I get motivated because I realize I want to better myself for me. Then I procrastinate and the cycle continues.

I know this isn't really nihilism but I'm interested in what you guys have to say.

I've been trying to find ways to get rid of them for the past 3 years, yet I'm still stuck till this day. It has been affecting my overall health and grades, as much as I wanted to change, I barely have the capacity to even do it. I'm asking help for the people who have experienced this and how they managed to overcome it.

Being an absurdist on a wheelchair in a Muslim country is definitely an interesting venture. A paradoxical existence.

One time I headed to get some beers from my regular liquor shop, they were used to me, some of them I talk to often. As i was rolling down the streets, same old scenery. Thick ass unaccessible sidewalks, uneven tar, typical north African social housing. As I got to the shop. I didn't find the regular staff. As I asked to get served. They refused? I heard one of them say 《disabled and you'll give him alcohol. 》 as if I wasn't even there. Eventually I got what I wanted thanks to a friend, but the hypocrisy is blazing, taking the moral high ground when you're doing something against your religion to begin with. But oh well, I learned to not try to fix ignorance when it is based on ignorance, because in a weird vague sanctimonious way, they were right.

why? why do i exit? evryone is uniqe life seems like an esyution just live you got canser disabled not atrective small weak? doesnt metter out of all the stares there is nothing to comper it to yet you juge people wrongfully you youself subconsciously treat attractive people better no matter what you do some kid with cencer is is fighting for his life yet as long as consenos exits so do senses and dreams but you cant fix yourself you are in hell looking at heven asking why make incent people suffer you look arounf you to socity just to see monkeys secuficing the ugly the bad gentics to die in the name of evolotion give atrective poeple seond chances becuse in nuther good gentics are your only worth the modle of life is grate regardless that like a sick child is limited to yoou so you are limited to the huma pike or alines so for sure that must be the meaning of life enjoying something right? but yiu cant ripe your mind out of this body you wish you could treat everyoone the same but you cant and you have no body in the world at this point you dont know what the anser is everyone is programed to look into the good one so what now?

it is this spesific contrast as long as you are alive there is a you whic results in things to try to know pain is to know being free from it

every negtive is a proff for a postive existing life is butifal

and you should not blame yourself for peoples curlty

sure you hard human bised and hurt but

you have empthy

you like what you like but you ccan know your own bais and be fair

i just wonder at nights alone if the external world doesnt matter if from a cosmic perspective we are all disbled and cant move then why do i feel like that

then you riled you are a sociel bein

you can love sure but you are hurt becise you know none can love you

you are hurt becuse you dont like yourself

you look at how humans hurt and whis you were a machine and ai something that can repogram itself to be good fair kind moral

but you learn if you need people to love you you wont have fun doing what you like

you end up asking

is there a world were i will have people like me? a world were i can break out of this fleth forcing me to treat people difrently based on how they look a love when empthy of maine is for the good and not the good looking a world where i can finaly be a good moral persone?

i hurt people undesrving of pain i give joy to agressors undesrving of it i aim for power i cant own yeald to be treated with morlty my brain vant give

how do i learn to be a good person? how do i treat people fairly stop needing everyone to love me and be ok on my own?

maby i cant be but not beucse i hate people i have perfances no one must chose me nither shuld i must be to chose them

but i will be difrent i will never let anyone be alone

i will treat all humans like humans

i will be kind even thu deep inside i cant truly be

becuse my perfrances wont effect my moralty

i will live becuse i can i will push becoes that what i will wish a sick kid will do becuse if an aline wich i look like a sick child comper to will come i wont feel sad then why should a sick kid feel sad next to me?

i dont need to not have perfrances or be nutrly good

i need to act good becuse i am not my feelings or this body i am a dinamic spark made in this world

i will cage the bad use it for good and i will live and enjoy like i did as a kid

if i wasnt saved i will save myself beucse i klove and trust myself

i may look funny like a carcter in game look bad or be weak but i will stile play

becuse life is a game

and i will make it fun

becuse i am not a cowrd i dont turn down a hard game

and i will push my carcter to the mac untill every atom in this world effected by my gravity will speak of proff that i did maced out myself

the utcome is luck the base is my feelings and i might not have the right tools but the attempt is main i am a verctor and i will puch mysefl forwaerd

not to live forever

to say in the end my run of the game was perfect becuse i did what i wahnted to do with a 100 percent perfaction

i acted like the person i whanted most to be

myself

so i am done with ignorate i am done with crying over the evil of others or feeling uslees or powerless for myself and others

in so absecure case veryone is a tool for a job no matter how obsecure

so i will play my run and have my fun

i should not feel sory for the disable i should be inspired by what they are

everyone is able everyone is disbled

i am nothing but a broken man in every way

but i am a man

why do i wirt that here? online for everyone to see?

maby so hardwire need to tell to the world maby some simboliv reson

but those i lost long ago in my sadnes till now

i can make my own choices

this is my saying what can i lose? what can i be afread off?

nothing

before i rest i an infitnte unive where every atom is effected by my gravity and effected by luck there is one thing i have to try

to do this becuse i whant to i post that becuse this is what i whant

and becuse you read this means you can do as well this might be ignored blow up or get downvoted for hell becuse of a spelling or becuse of me saying it in the wrong words

but i shot my shot did what i whant and if it put a simail on another persone biside me then i am happy for them

(sorry for the languge english is my 4th languge and sorry if it was hard to get this acros i wrote that from happines emothion and passition not to be a perfect text so sorry if you dindt understand shit)

I need help cause after turning nihilist I still feel connections to people I replay predictions in my head before I take an uncomfortable action I need to know how to deal with this problems

After thinking and thinking I have concluded that I only need one question to give my life purpose.

"Do you have the self respect to bring yourself up for your own sake?"