say hello to my little wiener and tiny nuts

An important message regarding the emerging global health crisis

Over the last two years the World Health Organisation has noticed a significant increase in reported cases of cinephilia, a debilitating condition affecting individuals with an excessive and unhealthy fixation on motion pictures. While the condition has historically been dismissed as a harmless enthusiasm for cinema, recent investigations have confirmed that cinephilia is, in fact, a serious mental disorder capable of profoundly affecting both the afflicted individual and everyone unfortunate enough to be within conversational distance of them.

The name itself should have been the first warning. Cinephilia. We have been asking ourselves for years why anyone would voluntarily describe their relationship with movies in such terms. The answer, as it turns out, is quite troubling.

Our research has also established that the condition originated in France. This should perhaps come as no surprise. The French have historically demonstrated an unusual willingness to turn perfectly ordinary activities into elaborate philosophical exercises. Where a healthy person might say, “That was a good movie,” the cinephile will instead spend forty-five minutes explaining how the director's use of negative space represents the alienation of post-war European society. The disease spread from there.

We must be honest with the public. There is currently no known cure for cinephilia. Once the condition has progressed to the point where an individual voluntarily purchases a Criterion Collection release of a movie they have never watched, recovery becomes particularly difficult.

However, there is hope. The WHO is currently offering support and behavioural management programmes designed to help those afflicted regain control over their lives. Treatment focuses on moderation. In severe cases, patients may even be encouraged to say: “I didn't really like it.” This can be frightening at first. But recovery is possible.

If you believe that you or someone you know may be suffering from cinephilia, please do not panic. There is no shame in seeking help. The condition is manageable, and with appropriate support, patients can return to productive lives. Friends and family are encouraged to remain patient. Do not challenge a cinephile directly.

The World Health Organisation remains committed to supporting individuals affected by this condition and reducing the burden cinephilia places upon families, workplaces and unsuspecting members of the public.

There may be no cure. But there is treatment. And there is hope.

Pulp Fiction - Marsellus Wallace

Bonus - Best in real life - Trans woman in GameStop.

At least Paw Patrol promises dinosaurs.

Alt-text: a tweet from famous dipshit Ray Blanchard stating, "People online have made many wacko statements about me, but this one is great: "The original Camp Miasma movie was directed by Ray Blanchard. Yes, that Ray Blanchard, the infamous sexologist maybe most known for creating the backwards and misogynistic transsexual typology and the concept of 'autogynephilia': the belief that women attracted trans women experience sexual arousal by the idea of becoming or being women."

I have never had the slightest connection to the movie business in any capacity: director, producer, actor, set designer, writer, stunt man, or anything else."