This has been a fear of mine for a long time now. Im always questioning myself because I have a fear of going crazy. The person that wad abusive to me would call me crazy so it put this deep insecurity inside me.

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I'm 18 male I've just recently turned 18 but it doesn't feel as good as I thought I would be .

Ever since I was Little my mother had always been harsh she'd hot us a lot with anything she could find and for a good while until we were crying a lot I guess to her that's what she felt it was valid.

She dropped me and my 9 siblings out of school because we were moving I was around 10 at the time and a phew if my siblings were older the oldest being 14 said time I was a quiet kid I never talked to Manay kids my age only ever spoke up when it was time to answer a question.

I regret that to this day because I never once had a friend and my mother never enrolled us back into school and when I would complain she tell me to "stop bitching and moaning\* or when is get emotional she's say \* I'm acting sassy\* or "like a girl" so I've learned at a young age to keep my emotions to myself.

She'd sometimes starve us specifically me and my brother a year younger than me for a couple days to teach us a lesson for not cleaning up the house sometimes id feel extremely sick.

I also had problems with my gut so I couldn't eat certain foods so I'd ask my mother can she get the foods I can eat she'd agree but later in the day would say she forgot then would order pizza I couldn't eat the pizza given my gut so I had to just sleep it off.

I felt extremely bad and left out from my family so I stoped talking for a while most of my family and my mother just called me " fake emo" the only two that didn't where the brothers I've mentioned previously but they didn't know how to comfort given my mother never taught us how do they just didn't say much to me until I've spoken first.

My mother would sometimes buy me good things so itert me conflicted sometimes I hated her so much I wanted to choke her the next I felt bad for her buying me things spending her money on me eventually I started hating myself for thinking that way and I would sometimes cry myself to sleep at the thought of being alone.

My mother had a boyfriend I was young I didn't like him too much but he was nice he does one day shot ten times I didn't know how to feel about that it wasn't like I knew him for a while so my mind just went blank.

As I mentioned she used to beat us allot over things we did wrong I once stole from a candy store and she beat me with a shoe so hard I was bleeding she made me stand in the corner as my other siblings laughed\*

She's stared multiple times how she wished she never had us and that she should of put us up for adoption she's even said sometimes she'll kill us . Every time we'd speak up shed tell us to be quiet or she would hit us.

She always threw it in our face how she sacrificed for us and she have breakdowns blaming it all on us.

Couple months ago she was beating up my brother who was a year younger them me pulling out his hair and hitting him I felt numb I didn't feel sympathy anymore and I knew that made me a bad person.

I still sided with my brother and I already stopped talking toy family for almost two years after a couple months of that they just stopped talking to me as a whole treating me like a ghost. My mother said I was enabling him by siding with him.

After a while of not talking she called me and my two brothers who still talked to me a room full of weirdos and that when I move out I'm still ain't going to be anything in life.

I've been living with them for all my life I haven't left the house in 8 years and I don't have a ID or so socials becausey mom never got them.

She suddenly started acting nice to me and treating like a decent human which left me in a weird spot I don't even see her as a mother anymore just a person taking care of me.

I had nothing to take my anger on so I would hurt myself to relieve stress when I get mad I do it.

Currently I'm still living with her because I have no other option I don't have any ID or anything like that and I haven't left the house or talked to anyone else in 8 years so I'm scared of talking.

I just feel so empty my Little sister almost died on choking and I didn't feel anything nothing at all I knew something was wrong with me. I want to stop living but I'm scared of death.

All I wanted was to feel loved to be hugged at night to cry into someones arms and they'll tell me it's okay I wanted the entire world to see my pain.

But more than anything I just want it all to stop and I know when I eventually live by myself I might gain the courage to end it.

I've been invited to my best friend's birthday, she lived halfway across the country from me and her home is pretty small so I can't stay with her. "Luckily" my siblings live in a city that's only half an hour away from where my friend lives. So I'll be staying with my sister, who I really like by the way, but the problem is that I also used to live in that same city as my sister, and the place holds so many bad memories, and it's kind of everywhere; the hospital where I was admitted, the apartment my abusive ex lived in, the dorm where I got anaphylaxis, the place where I found out my friend had died, it's as if the damned city itself didn't want me there, looking back it's no wonder I ended up with PTSD.

I haven't been back since I moved, my siblings have been asking me to come up and see my niblings, my dad tells me I should go. And I want to, it's just that things haven't been too good lately, I'm super stressed because of work and I'm learning a new language and applying for a Ph.D, so my mental state isn't at its peak.

I've been so stressed about this journey that I haven't been able to eat, I feel anxious, but I have also promised that I will go. I also know that I can't avoid the place forever since a large chunk of my family has decided to make it their home. I'm sure it's just nerves, that I will be surprised by how easy it all was when I go back home, but that doesn't really help me right now.

Has anyone gone through something similar? Going back to the place that traumatized you? What was it like?

i can’t edit the flare so cw: descriptions of non-fatal car accident

i’m not looking for anyone here to diagnose me, of course. a family member recently told me these sound like flashbacks so i’m looking for outside perspectives

i was in a car crash in july. t-boned to the driver side rear door. it would have been driver side door but i turned the car to the right directly before impact, thus we were hit further back on the car and spun backwards into a ditch. no one was seriously harmed

i do want to say before i get into this that i’m trying to avoid driving as much as possible but rural towns make this difficult. i absolutely pull off the road if i need a second to breathe.

- recently while driving, a car was approaching on my left. suddenly i had this mental image (like a memory visually replayed inside of my brain) of the driver from the accident right before they hit. i was still able to see everything around me normally though, i was just suddenly feeling panicked. i had the urge to turn the wheel defensively but did not actually do so

- another instance, i had to go through the intersection where it happened. it was hard to breathe and i needed to pull off for a moment because the dread i felt when it happened was so strong

- sometimes when a car is passing by from the left side, such as in a roundabout, i can feel the pressure on my left arm again from the impact. i also keep my left arm pinned to my side now when i drive

i guess the reason i’m confused is because it’s not like i think i’m actually genuinely experiencing the crash again. i know i’m not, but my nervous system and memories behave like i am, if that makes sense

This might come across as whiny but my trauma - CSA from adult male - has made relationships very hard.

My best friend is really old - more like surrogate dad - and is dying now. He's 88. He was the one, who was there for me.

Everyone else - tbh - drives me nuts. It's so hard to find people to have deep, meaningful relationships with. I'm an introvert, I'm in my 50s, and I'm single. Everyone I know is either married or in a community of some sort and I'm dealing with crap that has affected me for years - whole life. They can't relate to a life lived alone with my cat.

It seems like everyone just wants to text me - I LOATHE texting - or it's starting to feel performative. If they're married, they have some jackazz husband who has to take over our phone calls, as with one friend. Or else it always ends up the convo turns out to be all about them - I was starting to make a new friend then realized once again they talk to people to make it all about mememe. I had one online friend who had csa but his wife decided to nix our convos even though he lives in CA and I attempted to include her. I also assured her via text I cared for him only as a friend but I guess ppl are cynical. I am asexual and could care s--- less who you screw, frankly.

I was definitely not after him but that's how it goes. Always some hindrance to finding that friend I need. But can't find. And tbh, I'm really sad now that "J" is dying b.c. I did love him.

Who else deals with this, I wonder?
Does anyone else struggle with this? I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I just can't find my tribe. My bf was my tribe in some ways and now he's going to heaven.

The vessel that I live in that I am trapped in is the everything that gives me TST to everything that’s happened to it and I can’t change any of it. I am forced to live in this flesh prison forever essentially and it’s a constant reminder was done to be how I can’t change it or take it back. Hell I hate it. I hate living. I didn’t have to torture him every day with the memories.

MULTIPLE TRIGGERS SUCH AS PHYSICAL ABUSE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SUCIDIAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, ECT!!!!!

Growing up, I was severely bullied. By men specifically, because I was ugly. Still am, not the point. I used to get beat up by a few specific kids, this time ranging from 2nd to 8th grade mainly, although I was verbally bullied in high school still (2 years spent at 3 dofferent schools between 9th and 10th grade, returning to my original school in 11th grade.) 9th grade had a little bit of physical bullying, but not as much as the prior years.

When my concerns were brought up to my oarents and principal, they were largely ignored and got me into trouble more often or not. My oarents said to fught back, which always lead to me getting suspended AND iss over the perpetrator(s) getting it less harsh than me, (ex just ISS, or nothing but a firm talk.)

One time in 4th grade. I was told it was because the kid had a crush on me. Not true.

I was asked out as a joke maybe 10 plus times by random people, even once at six flags by some people i had never met while i was standing alone waiting for my brother on my birthday. I was 16. I paid for the whole thing.

Almost every birthday Ive had has been bad. Day I was born, my dad was in prison. Any recent birthdays after 10 that I remember have been busts. I woke up on my 11th I think with nothing but a clifford plush from a give away bin. 12th, a big walmart bouncy ball. 13th, i dont remember, i dont think anything besides like pads. 14th, CPS was involved so there wasnt any room for me to be focused on. 15th, got out of cps a couple days before and i got nothing. I got a cake that was made in a pan and tasted like river water, and got a job. 16th, nothing, paid for my own party w me my friend her parents and my brother at sixflags. 17th, I got molested by my first boyfriend. 18th, I spent it with my bf and his sister at an arcade and saw the TADC movie no gifts besides a tiny little keychain from his sister and a plush, a tiny statue, and bottle of my favorite cheap perfume, and some stuff from my mentor such as clothes and stuff. My bf did pay for my shit at the arcade and the tickets.

Ive never got Christmas gifts I like besides my guitars from my grandpa and our trampoline from my grandpa, and my bike from my grandpa. My guitars got pawned, bike was broke and never fixed, and trampoline broke after a year ish. Everything else i got for christmas wasnt even made for me in mind. I got an art kit one year just because im ok at art, a makeup kit so i could "look prettier," and in years after my grandpas death, nothing at all. Ive been paying for everything.

I never had friends as a kid, besides until like 3rd grade before I was abandoned because I was too childish. I never wanted a bf, and wanted to rp being pokemon at recess instead of gossiping or being up to date.

I joined basketball in 8th grade, hoping ti get good and impress people, but I always overcomplicated things and misunderstood social cues. I got too frustrated and always ended up crying and making a fool out of myself. I was too childish. Only scored one point on a free throw in my first game. It was the one hame my grandpa went to, and my dad went to few after if any after. I wouldnt remember. Only my dad and grandpa came.

I got taken by CPS before high school started, a couple days before. My mom was a hoarder, still is, and we had to crawl in my home and still touch th ceiling. There was always only rotting food in our fridge and we always ate take out because our grandpa cared.

My grandpa died while I was in CPS. A couple months before we got out actually. It makes me sad that he never knew if we got out or not. In cps, i was put in a foster shelter with my younger brother, while my younger sister and baby brother were put in two foster homes nowhere near us. Worst time of my life. Couldnt have a phone or do anything. Eventually we all went to one foster home with 2 other girls, excluding my youngest brother. The 2 other foster girls were black along with the foster mother. This matters because every time we had a critique, we were labeled racist. I thought she was grooming my sister, (one of the girls, the younger one.) I was labeled racist and jealous because she was constantly hanging out w her and coming into mine and my sisters room late at night.

About a year ago, my sister told me that I was right, and she was being molested by the girl. I think that I shouldve dug harder back then and found the truth. Instead, I laid back and listened to the false shit i was told about being racist and stopped worrying about it.

I did theater for those years. Was in a play, and I asked my grandpa and mom to come. I was told they would. That day, I called my mom who said they couldnt make it. That night, I went back to the fister home and found out they moved my little brother to be with us. That weekend, I found out that my grandpa died on the same day as my play, and my mom found out a little before I called and asked.

I still am beyond upset 4 years later. About his death and any mention of it, or even seeing anyone wearing his work uniform from the same company he worked at can make my cry. Writing this is making me cry.

17th birthday, I was molested by my first and now ex bf. Ive wrote about it alot and dont wanna write it again. I have nightmares about what he couldve done while I was asleep, and if he had choked me longer, or if I had fawned and just did what he wanted. I regret not waking my dad up or screaming louder. If i had screamed louder he wouldve been caught strangling me.

Now I have no evidence and look like a schizo to anyone who doesnt know me or the proof I do have. I get sad about it still, and have thought more than once about killing myself over it and all previously mentioned things. Recently I held a knife on my neck and was about to before my mom walked in on me and started telling me to chill tf out.

Ive had a severe phobia of bugs since I was a kid due to having crickets cryshed in my hair by bullies, roaches tossed at me by my drunk dad, and other things.

I almost died at age 9 ish from a tonsil issue causing them to be extremely large and just choking me all nigh every night and day for over 3 months. My parents thought i was faking being sent home by the nurse every day and having a temp of over 100 every day. Finally got surgery when they were forced to give it to me for me to go back to school.

Every day since I was 15 they have taken my money from my jobs.

They still take my momey because I am told family helps family, but theyre hiding from cps again while I sit at this house with no food or running water.

They refuse to teach me how to drive and ive failed my first time because of it, second time test is later today. Probably gonna fail again.

I am being forced to watch these dogs and figure myself out with no car or money.

Had to get my own documents becaus they had lost everything. I have to pay a 115 dollar cashapp loan back i took out for them a month ago in about 3 days.

They lie to me and always give me the short end of the stick because I dont really do anything to fight back because I know its pointless. Theyll never care and im just looking for a way out. Without a car i dotn see it happening, as my bfs parents hate me because of my parents and they think im a homeless bum or smth. They think im more troubled than im worth and how he shld break up with me and find a less troubled girl.

Also, who would take care of the chihuahuas if I was gone. Ive had them for so long, i cant just leave. They need to come back.

Thry dont have a car and are using the person theyre staying withs car, conflict of imterest though bexause both of them, my dad and her work for doordash and spark and stuff. I have and older half brother and sister ive never really met besidesin person maybe a handful of times, both being 10 years older than me about and wanting nothing to do with us. Older twin brother changed his last name and older twin sister only talks to us to shit talk our dad and stuff.

I dont feel loved by my mom at all besides for my money and same for my dad. My siblings all get more attention than me.

I have gotten to the point where i pace nonstop for hours daydreaming and at multiple points forgetting who I am. One time, when way younger, after doing ut for 5 hours or more, i walking infront of a mirror after and cried when I saw my face.

I feel really out of my body alot of the time, and forget things like having a boyfriend, being a girl, or stuff like that. I aleays get a bit sad. At work, i just stop thinking and do what im told and thats why im so efficient.

I dont have dreams talk about, and when im told of a dream to have, i often cant do it because of conflict of interest. Such as getting an 80 on my asvab and my parents telling me to go to the air force, and my bf telling me he wldnt stay with me if i did.

My bf originally didnt wanna get with me because i was bullied and people were questioning why he would, making fun of me onfront of him. Hes gotten way better than that now and we're 11 months in.

There's other things but this is all i have right now. Story of my life.

Some stuff that goes on in my head... i hate sexual stuff, i cant get in the mood unless im by myself and fingering myself, never want to try having sex but my bf wants that alot. Im about to cry and shot thinking about it.

Whenever my ex gets mentioned unexpectedly or i think about it or i see him, i start shaking and crying or getting paranoid. Shaking right now.

I often have nightmares about it and being raped or killed by him.

On occasion at school i cane face to face with him and almost fainted and always got nauseous.

I cry thinking about not being able to stop his new gf from him but after warning her shes still around. Not much more i can do.

Whenever something sexual happens i think about that night. I cant stand hugging or making out or kissing but i tolerate quick kisses and hugging from my bf. I hate making out still.

I get so hurt and upset so easy and i hate feeling like that. I hate talking to my friends and i purposely push away and stop talking to them because id rather be alone, but being alone and not comforted kinda hurts. Leaves more time to daydream though so its like a give and take.

I have periods of being null or just completely blocked off. I cant feel sad at some times even when wronged and often just stop caring about what troubles me altogether until i have my moments where i explode in anger or extreme sadness. I dont feel happy or join in anything i do anymore besides daydreaming or petting my puppies.

I often go to bed hungry just because im sure im fat or eating too much. I have no running water so i always smell like shit. Im white trash and living in a hoarded up home behind everything else.

I get joy out of doing dumb shit like screaming and making a fool out of myself. I cant talk serious for too long, i always end up just making things not serious and have been called out multiple times.

I never let people be mad at eachother and aways try to redirect their anger at me by fucking up. Tension makes me uncomfortable.

When i have a grudge I have a GRUDGE. I dont let things go easy unless youre my bf or brothers or sister.

I act extremely dumb to make up for being mentally slow. Im slow but smart if that makes sense.

I feel uncomfortable with affection. I hate PDA because i know im not pretty enough for it to slide. I hate everything to do with compliments because ghey dont feel genuine.

I do dumb things and regret them later. Ive broken a toe from kicking a can while trying to my stupid ass dog off of my cat, i often do dumb shit and not realize the seriousness of what i did, and more.

I get extremely upset if something doesnt look the way i want it to. If the ketchup on my burger isnt perfectly in the middle or if it was even touched by an onion or pickle, or if the cheese isnt straight on the burger i get upset and start redoing it.

If my notes dont look right or if i dont do a task myself i get upset, and a bunch more things.

I cant wear shorts because of their feeling, leggings for the same reason or anything i deem to sexual.

I feel uncomfortable being a girl but I know I am one. I just wish i was born a boy. I feel so ugly.

I've always had a problem with sexual stuff, even before being Saed and people watching me eat. I cant do it.

Anyways yeah that's it. There's more butlike this is all imma say.

You stole parts of me

You changed me, and not for the better, you hardened me, your abuse made me afraid, it made me act in ways I normally wouldn’t, you made me crazy, now I feel like a different person, I feel like I’ve lost sight of who I used to be, I used to be a person, I used to be able to think and decide for myself what was the best way for me to be, who I wanted to be, I got to choose that, but after going through so much fear and gaslighting I had to change, I had to stop being me, you made me not trust myself anymore, so I had to turn into something else, something that could keep me safe, I reacted out of fear, a learned response I had to create in order to survive your abuse, this persona I created to protect myself stripped me of who I really am, it changed my morals, it changed my values, it changed my motivations, and it stripped me of my own free will

I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’m just a shell filled with trauma responses now, I’m just a hurt kitten who can’t stop running and hiding or clawing and hissing, I need to feel safe in order to return back to who I once was, these months apart has helped me see that it is possible, that I can see myself deep inside and bring them back out again with some love and hard work, especially if I have the love and reassurance from someone else, ideally a support network, but really I only need one person atleast, and multiple ppl at best supporting me and accepting me for who I am, I just need to feel loved and chosen after all the damage being unloved and tossed aside for someone else has caused me, I can heal from this, I know I can, I just need the right help, the problem is that I don’t know if it’s possible to find someone like that for me, and maybe there will be scars, maybe I’ll always be a little broken after this, or maybe a lot broken, I’m not sure yet, I just need someone to hold the peice together while I try to glue them back in place

So, I have lots of trauma and I can't make any friends irl so I have two online friends and my parents are very worried that they are bad people but ive know them for ages and they aren't, also Im worried thus isn't a good coping mechanism for this? Or is it harmful as I'm very anti social and struggle a lot with social interaction

I am overweight and have been for most of my life. For so long I didn't think that I was an emotional eater, but now I do. I have been able to stop overeating for the past week or so which is good for my waistline, but it's making me feel all of the feelings that food pushed away.

My go to now is usually to listen to angry music, but sometimes that doesn't work. Any suggestions?

I don't have a clinical PTSD diagnosis, but both me and my therapist agree that my trauma has impacted me and continues to impact me in a lot of ways in life to the point that I actually do meet some of the DSM-5 criteria for PTSD. However, I often struggle to accept that I have limitations and to not feel bad because of them, especially knowing so many other people have it worse than me. Some of these limitations include:

• Not being able to be outside when there's fireworks and thunder nearby or I risk a panic attack/fight or flight
• Claustrophobia being triggered by rollercoasters
• Certain theme park rides triggering me
• Loud/Explosive sounds, etc.

It's hard to feel like my limitations are valid and that it's okay for me to have boundaries when people constantly push back against them or make fun of me for them. A lot of people are understanding, but I honestly just want to be okay with my limitations for myself. I hate feeling stupid or weak because I want to protect myself from being triggered, and even when people are understanding and nice about it I still end up feeling sorry for myself. Any advice?

Title!

I am an English major and a massive bookworm and I think reading some books about PTSD/trauma - thinking like self help, therapy books, nonfiction, but open to fiction or biographies as well. I think reading about it from an outside perspective would help me process some things.

Any recommendations?