Can we be irrational? Dismiss practicality? Not wory about how realistic this is? Make our own rules? Become best friends and obsess over each other when we're apart? Im talking subversive. Nearly toxic but shy of hurting each other. Can we act like teenagers hiding their love from disapproving parents? We can keep it quiet or carve our initials into every surface in this place. Im in if you're in.

I didn’t know I would be punished this severely for the simple crime of falling in love.

I didn’t know it would cost me this many nights lying awake in the dark,
feeling as though something had reached inside me
and torn out everything soft.

I didn’t know I would end up crying in my car
on bright ordinary afternoons,
the sun pouring through the windows
while I stared straight ahead at traffic,
hoping nobody beside me noticed
that my whole world was collapsing.

All I ever wanted was to know what it felt like
to surrender to another human being and
to meet someone whose heart spoke a language mine somehow already understood.

And maybe I was foolish enough to keep one small hope, that timing could be wrong
without the love itself being wrong.

That perhaps somewhere further down the road when life had rearranged itself
we might find our way back to the place
where we recognised each other.

I needed to believe that something this rare
had not entered my life only to destroy me.
But now I feel as though I am paying
the highest possible price
for having loved someone
at the wrong time.

And there is something unbearably cruel about that — to have finally found a heart
that felt like home, only to spend the years afterwards learning how to live without being allowed inside it

Cowards, the both of us…

Too afraid to stay. Too afraid to leave.
So we lingered in the space between longing and goodbye,
pretending silence hurt less than honesty,
while love slowly became something we mourned instead of lived.

Having a moment where we just talk and joke around, no stress, no tension, no awkwardness.
Just 2 people yapping about random stuff, I actually enjoyed it, it made time go faster. I also like that every now and then you throw in something personal about yourself, kinda makes me feel better that you’re comfortable enough with me to do that, or do you do that with everyone? I dunno, it doesn’t matter, it was nice anyways.
I guess I just wanted to say thank you, and if you ever need a listening ear, whether it’s for serious, personal or just a chat about randomness, I’m always here.

I don't want to scare you but I'm not feeling well today. It always scares me when something might be wrong, and the first thing I always think of is you. I guess that's because you are the one person that can always make everything okay in my mind. I kinda feel like even when things are bad, if you're around then life is still amazing. When I'm scared, my happy place is thinking of me and you getting to be alone somewhere, and you just lay your head on my chest and put your arm around me. We don't do anything dirty, and we don't talk at all. We just lay there together, existing in the same space together. That's my favorite place in existence. That's the place I could live in forever and never get tired of it.

I'm sure I'm going to be okay, so please do not worry about me. I just wanted to take some time to let you know that you are on my mind, and that I love you more than I can say with words. I hope by saying all this that I didn't cross your boundaries. I never meant anything in an inappropriate manner. I just meant it in the kind of way where one person loves another with every fiber of their being. I didn't mean it romantically or sexually, so hopefully you're not upset. Just in the way where you are my home and I am yours. I think you know how I meant it. I hope you did. I love you. I love you so, so much. Thank you for loving me, too. It's the best part of my life.

You can have the satisfaction of reading my letters but you’ll never get the ego boost of knowing that you can still get me to talk to you through fake accounts.

You seem to believe that creating fake accounts gives you some kind of way back into my life. It doesn’t. It only makes your attempts look more desperate. You’re trying to create access where I’ve already made it clear that I don’t want access given that way.

And if you think this is some kind of revenge or some clever way to get under my skin, you’re giving yourself far too much credit. You can’t lead me on, manipulate my feelings or control my attention simply because you found another way to appear in front of me.

What you’re looking for is an ego boost. You want the reassurance that you can still reach me, that you can still get a reaction from me, that you can still feed off my attention and energy. You won’t get that from me.

You were the one who ruined the connection between us. You didn’t leave anything good behind to mend it and yet somehow you expect me to be the one to reach out and repair what you destroyed. I’m not going to do that.

You already know I don’t want to talk to you this way. I’ve made that clear. So every time you choose another fake account instead of approaching me as yourself, you’re only proving that you still refuse to accept the reality of the situation.

If you’ve got something to say, say it directly. As yourself. Otherwise, there’s nothing to say.

Directly or nothing.

Under the ambient lights, we’d stare into each other’s eyes until one of us looked away. Usually, me.

When we’re finally alone, I can see the fear in your eyes. God, it’s so cute. Why do I suck at first impressions so badly?

You looked enchanted by me, but I was deeply corrupted by you.

You were so happy to be useful to me. I could see it through your eyes, like a puppy wagging its tail after getting praised. I wanted all of you. I wanted to know you, all of you. Down to the last hair. No, down to the last mole on your body.

I had to let you go. I would’ve made you into someone you wouldn’t recognize, maybe for the better. A heart made of stone is a diamond in the rough; that’s a finer gem.

You can. Yes, you can. Anything you choose will fall onto your lap. I’m sure of it. It’s never too late for such a big minded girl ;)

Sometimes I sit and think. Were we intertwined by our place or by our time?

Sometimes I second guess myself and wonder if you thought of me the same way(no shot). I like to think your words lie, but your actions. God, your actions. You teased me with your presence.

If I didn’t act indifferent, I wouldn’t be able to keep a smile off my face. I’m such a goober. Like a flower too great for a bee to ignore. You’d buzz around me, and when you’d drop your pride and ego, I wouldn’t for you.

Flies don’t buzz around the likes of flowers and divinity. We aren’t bees.

Just know, if you ever were to see me again, nothing I did came from a place of resentment, anger, or envy.

It came from embarrassment, frustration, and adoration.
I’m so corny.

It was slow at first, tantalizing, but near the end, I’d like to think it was something beautiful. Something we both gained from.

Even if it wasn’t what you were expecting, I like to think we both learned something from all of this.

Why do opposites have to attract so damn hard?

I can’t stop thinking about you
You were my friend
I failed as one
You wanted more
I wanted to figure out this life
I did a bad things
With your feelings
I was not there when you needed
To say forgive me
Isn’t enough
I want to repair your self esteem
So you never though thst something wrong with you
Because it isn’t
I can’t forget how your eyes light up
When you saw me first time in a year
Yeah I was busy
Im egoistic
Only thinking about myself
I’m tryna survive
I’m sorry I’m not letting you loving me
Love is in general not allowed
Your warm reminds me how freeze I was all this years
You always trying to be good and kind
But we lived in different worlds

I forgot how you looked when you laughed
I saw it today, and I couldn’t look away
I know you’re busy
Aren’t we all

But just wanted to say
Yeah
It’s nice

His obsession

Her delight

They'll part directions

But always stay in sight

Stolen secret glances

And words left unsaid

Gives way to feelings- once dormant

Now brought back from the dead

He hunts for her approval

She lets down her guard

Then spawns a love

That comes easy

From innocent hearts

Not yet scarred

I’ve wanted to write to you so many times.

I’ve written things out and deleted them, trying to find the right words or figure out what I’m even trying to say.

Then I remembered this love letter Vita Sackville-West wrote to Virginia Woolf in 1926.
She had spent the night trying to compose something beautiful and eloquent, only to realize that what she wanted to say was much simpler:

“I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.”

And I think that’s all I’ve been trying to say too.

Really, the whole letter resonates with me in a way I can’t quite put into words. So give it a listen if you have a few minutes.

Anyway…..I just miss you.

That’s all.

Restarting is never easy…but you make it tolerable. On the first day we met, you made me feel human. You brought light to a place that felt heavy and dark. I knew I liked you instantly. But I didn’t know how quickly that would transition into this wonderful and all-consuming feeling of love. You have this way of making people feel seen, heard, valued. You hold both light and darkness—a delicate balance that seems effortless. Any day that I get to be in your presence is a good day. And when you’re gone, I wait patiently for the day I get to see you again. Plotting my next words, arranging myself in the most undeniable ways, leaning into art and meditation to connect with you in hopes you’d feel it somehow. I’m sending you signals straight from my heart each day and night.

It’s weird, I feel like I know you more than I do, like we played together in another life.

The unspoken energy between us is so tangible, and yet, I wonder if it’s all in my head…I know we can’t, but I wish we could. Don’t you? You’ve awakened my heart again, and I’m at your whim. When you need time off, I take it for you in a heartbeat to know you’re relaxing and at peace, even if it puts me out. I wish I could do more for you, but I know I’m not allowed. I hate these constructs that keep us separate.

You take up so much space in my brain, whether it’s active or passive—you’re just kind of floating around waiting for me to indulge. I’m sad to know that you may be leaving soon…also a bit relieved because we both know this is the best worst thing to have happened yet. But I can’t help feeling this blue in my heart when that reality crosses my mind. Days with you gone and missing you endlessly. You must have told me, and only me, for a reason, surely? Was it to see my reaction? To begin to offer closure for what we both know will never happen? I don’t know. All I know is that I want to pull you in and embrace you with the most loving and tender arms that you’ve ever known—kiss your heart and soul. Even though I may never get to do that, I am deeply grateful for the chaos you’ve stirred deep within. The reflection you’ve brought me, the laughter and comfort you offer. If that’s all I’m able to receive, that’s enough. Just to have you here for now. My heart will always want more, but out of respect for you, I would never ask that. Anyway…this forbidden tug-of-war will soon pass, but I guarantee you’ll have a special place in my heart forever. Thank you for treating me with kindness and love in a period of my life that is to turbulent. The next people that get to know you don’t even know how lucky they truly are.

Missing you already.

But you’re like lightning. I don’t want you to look at me too long because maybe you won’t like what you see. But then you smile. A genuine smile. You spare no details. Can you blame me for not being able to be still? I like you so much that I will avoid being in the same room as you it’s too much. I hate that I’m like this. I wish I could breathe easier maybe one day.

i am angry that there is no person to blame enough to make this feel proportional. no punishment that could return the hours. no sentence long enough to account for the parts of me that will never be exactly the same.

some mornings i wake up almost free -
and by noon i am furious that freedom had to look like this.

i wanted an ending with meaning -
something clean enough to point at.
a single fracture.
a final offense.
some indisputable moment where the universe could slam its hand against the table and say,
“there.
that was it.”

i hate that i can be hurt and still remember the tenderness. that i can be angry and still miss you. that i can know better and still reach for a life that no longer exists.

there are pieces of me i cannot return to their original shape. i have tried. i have held them up to the light, turned them over in my hands, searched for the seam where they might fit back together.

nothing.

i don’t want to make this beautiful anymore.
i don’t want to turn the loss into a lesson so quickly that it stops being a loss.

i loved you.
i lost you.
it changed me.

and maybe one day i will wake up free and not resent the shape of the freedom. maybe one day the first thought will belong to me.

for now, i am learning how to live in the aftermath.

J,
I miss you. I shouldn't, by any means, but I can't deny it. I know the feeling will pass, though, eventually. I do hope you're doing better. I hope, one day, you'll have accomplished whatever it is you feel so strongly you need to do before you're "worthy" of being loved. I hope you let somebody love you someday. Your past doesn't have to dictate the life you live now, you can choose another path. It's never too late.
-S

I really freaking miss you, everything from your stupid cute face to your toes. Your perfect eyes. The way you'd sometimes do a little spin after getting up to go grab something. I miss hearing you talk about all your interests, and you do have many.

I miss you so much that sometimes you're still the first person I think about in the morning, after all this time.

I've been worried about you lately. I know you're with someone else, so I'm staying far away for my own sake. But I feel something in the air, like maybe things have gotten worse for you.

Chin up, I'm sure you'll be fine. And mostly, I hope I'm completely wrong. I hope you're happy and healthy and loved.

But if I'm not wrong, you can always call me. I can't be the one to do it, not again, but I'm here if you ever need anything.

I guess I'm a push over like that, still. Just for you.

I may not always know what to say, but please remember that you matter to me. Take it one day at a time, okay? You don’t have to carry everything alone. I’m always quietly rooting for you. 🤍

If we had the opportunity to ask each other one open and

honest question, what would yours be?

Do you want to know mine?

Was any of this real for you?

I saw you happy today
It made me smile
It looks good on you

I used to think
Emotions are chemicals in the brain
Controllable, after all we are what we think
But lately, I’m not sure
I don’t know

Well I’ve been trying to ask myself, “why”
I have several reasons why it shouldn’t be you
Logical, factual, realistic reasons why it can’t be you
But for some reason
The argument always begins and ends
On why it should be you

I don’t really know
If I can think my way out of this
Maybe you broke a part of my brain
Maybe you fixed me
Maybe I was broken from the start?

I don’t know
I feel stuck
In an argument that does not make sense
Nor can I justify the reasons why

So maybe if I write
Maybe one day
I’ll understand why

I'm totally delulu. Delulu that the chemistry I felt was mutual. Delulu that somehow you miss me. Delulu that I will ever see and talk to you again. Delulu that I'll end up back there.

Realistically, I know none of those delusions are real. And yet.

I miss working with you so much I'd come back in a heartbeat.

Dammit.

To my future wife,

I think what we need to do is... I need to spend my whole paycheck this week on a ring. Then, you and I need to go down to the courthourse and get a marriage license.

We can do the whole big ceremony thing later. I will also get you a bigger, prettier, shinier ring later down the line.

You are apparently already making decisions for our future and I'm not going to lie, It's kind of REALLY hot and sexy.

I'm going to get your tumbler I got for you somehow. I'll figure it out.

You know... The whole reason I'm aggravated is becasue I DON'T have you here with me... You just keep getting mad at me for my traumas. I'm sorry.. I'm trying. I promise. I don't know WHAT to do... I just want YOU.

You're always on my mind. I slip into you like a day dream. You're blurry in my memory like im trying to see with my head underwater. I can't stay too long or else I'll drown, but its the only place I feel weightless.

You're an angel with cold piece of steel at the hip. A stranger with snake eyes and a smile like warm bread. A dancer in the summer rain.

I'd trust you with my life and I'd give anything for yours. I can feel you walking the world. A dull ache we share. A simple reminder of eachothers existence but as guiding as a broken compass.

I've become a tyrant of my trade. Heartless by design because I can't endure the thought of living without you. The only thing truly worthwhile in these fleeting moments.

My search for you only leads to sorched earth and suffering. Why must love and understanding come at such a price. How many must fall for us?

When I sleep I can hear their cries. The cracking of the hearts I've broken. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Will we ever truly find eachother if I put up the sword?

-J

You asked me to disable your ability to reach out, afraid of what you might feel lead to do, that you might bring rain with your clouds. I did as you asked... Now you've made another account, to keep an eye on me... I saw it, it's you...No doubt.

How many years have you been checking up on me? I've checked in on you a few times too... Though, I also, always resigned to leave it be.

There was darkness in you too, but there was also beauty. You knew a childish version of me; I wonder sometimes what you would think now, whether or not you could see me.

There's been so many since, that have told me I'm far too complex to begin to understand, that I'm exhausting to know, that I should just leave the worms in the can. There was a time in place where I felt you were able to understand. Of course, that was before I reached the bones of my psychology, and belief structure, before I found this place where I now stand.

Then there was yours. I wonder where your psychology lies, now. I wonder if you could meditate alone after me, if it never felt the same, like it never did for me. You made it sound like the grass was never green, like I took the sun with me. I always thought I was the moon. I am truly sorry.

I never mean to leave quite such a devastating impression... I wish I could set you free. The other T told me that I'm difficult to leave behind, that there was never another like me, and certainly nothing he found worth the time. It makes me feel awful that no one else even seems to try. You deserve fulfillment, with or without me. Truly, I hope you'll be fine. In the words of Blue October, even if not now, later;

I hope you're happy,

I hope you're good.

I hope you get what you wish for,

And you're well understood.

And whatever your progress,

I know you'll be fine.

Because I hope you're happy,

Even if you're not mine.

It’s magic trick I’ve always been obsessed with. Making anything disappear all while still actually being visible is such a great trick. I learned this from a young age. I can keep my presence so low that people half the time think I’m not around. Im gonna go back to lurking because well you’ve seen me I’m not just gonna make another account just to hide. Take care won’t see me around at all.