I (19F) had to take a break off of college in April because of my mental health. This was not my first time experiencing said tribulations, but this time lead to me feeling very lost and aimless. I attend an ivy league university. I don't bring this up to be pretentious, but to explain why I feel so stupid. I know if I go back to school, which i will, I will be okay. I will be able to get a relatively stable job post-grad and sell out like other students. Another part of me fears going back. I am waiting to be approved to come back and I will most likely be allowed to. But do I truly want to go back? I feel obligated to. I'm medicated now (still figuring out the right combination of meds) and in somewhat of a better mental space, but mood disorders are unpredictable.

Right now, I feel so alone. I'm not bedrotting; I have a job. I am a productive person, but it never feels like enough. I know I care too much about other peoples' opinions, but how can I not when their words hurt so much? I know that I can alleviate my loneliness by making new friends, but I am painfully insecure. I have an extreme fear of rejection. I wish I could be normal about ONE thing in my life. I know this feeling is temporary and it too shall pass, but it sucks.

For the past couple of months, I’ve been obsessed with building myself into this new person. Every aspect of my life has become oriented around becoming better more disciplined, more accomplished, more intelligent, more successful. Everything I do feels like it has to serve some greater purpose, some future version of myself that I’m constantly trying to reach.

But now, I feel like I’m no one without that person I’m trying to become. I’ve become so consumed with the idea of being someone that I’ve forgotten how to simply be someone. Every task has become about what it will make me in the future rather than whether I actually enjoy doing it now.

Even my discipline doesn’t come from wanting something anymore. It comes from the fear of not becoming the person I’ve convinced myself I need to be.

Somewhere between doomscrolling and doing my makeup, I realized that I had become very good at avoiding myself.

Like holy shit I can’t tell her anything. I get no sympathy when I’m trying to express my anxiety. She just tells me we all go through it and I need to grow up and deal with it.

Yet when she’s lost with her faith and asking god for her to show her a way out of her rut. She has to cry to me about it too because she can’t stay quiet. She has to tell me her feelings and the things she talks about between her and god.

She just lost a job that she loved because her manager hated her for some reason and now she can’t stop crying about it. She sounds like a broken record talking to me about all the reasons she thinks they let her go, but I just keep listening. Why tf should I keep listening? She wouldn’t do the same for me.

If I tell her anything about what I’m worried about, she says get up and move on.

The hypocrisy is insane. I hope god shows her that.

I wish I had someone in this goddamn earth that I can talk to. I thank god for the internet sometimes and AI for these moments but I can’t find anyone to talk to in person.

Over the last six months I (16) have found probably my favorite game of all time, that being Dungeons and Dragons. I have been hosting games for the past three months and have been playing for the past six, and I usually play online. One of my friends who got me into it has recently been basically telling me that it's inferior to other systems for the past month or so, and I don't know who to talk about it.

A couple months ago, I decided to run Curse of Strahd, a gothic horror module that is infamous for being one of the best D&D Horror modules ever. I bought the book and I spent months prepping Owlbear VTT (Learning it) as well as religiously studying the book and other sources/modifications. My friend, who originally gave me the idea, is a huge horror movie fan, so I really leaned into the horror. I spent weeks working on both their character and the other player characters.

After session one (A session I spent ages rehearsing) Everyone was super excited, with them just entering the first dungeon of the game, Death House. However, two nights after this, they literally sent me a pseudointellectual message saying that they think D&D isn't for them, and that they've moved on to Daggerheart. Frankly, this hurt my feelings, and after delaying a Oneshot (A one sitting D&D adventure) before leaving halfway through and ditching it at the end, I decided to ban them from my games, since they broke three rules in my D&D Rulebook.

They decided to give up D&D for a month, and focus on playing Daggerheart, and any time I spoke to them they sang praises on how it's far superior then D&D 5th Edition. Worse, they constantly discourage others from playing D&D, literally while I was teaching them how to play. They basically run off anyone who could have joined my games.

After a few weeks, they apologized, and due to my Faith and since I missed them, I decided to forgive them and let them play in my Oneshots again. However, they have still continued to diss D&D, even incorrectly. They've gone back to playing it, but still basically run off anyone interested and constantly advertise their stuff to new players. Later, my Curse of Strahd campaign fell apart, and so I decided to host it elsewhere, and people actually like it. I put in 40+ hours into adding features from the community and working on character arcs and moments, and it's finally paying off.

Still, it really sucks that they literally constantly diss my favorite hobby Infront of me incessantly, even while playing the game they supposedly hate. I often wonder if it's my fault, since literally almost every game I host with them ends like this, but my other games elsewhere are doing just fine. I just wanted to write this, since I've yet to bring it up to them since they hate confrontation and I don't want to lose them as a friend, since outside of this, they're pretty nice.

That's mostly it, I don't know if I'm just being defensive about the hobby I like, or if there's anything I can do. I do intend to speak to them fairly soon about this, since especially after they canceled on me, I have a terrible relation with them telling me this constantly.

I honestly don’t get it man, I have a fucking career staring at me, the cuffs are about to be locked and each month they get tighter and tighter.. I have a future planned out, the job I’m getting could’ve had you and our would be kids completely insured, I was handing you the world, the life you wanted, the little farm in the back, the potential big house and you swatted it away because you loved him more? I don’t want to think that you’re so shallow that you prefer him because he’s taller and fitter, I really don’t. It was right there, my parents loved you and constantly ask about you, my grandparents wish you came over more, my aunts, uncles, cousins all were so excited to meet you. But no. All you had to say was that you just fell out of love. I was so excited to be apart of your world, meet your friends, finally meet and speak to your parents, be able to joke around ur brothers and spoil your niece. I was so excited for all of it and now it’s like the aftermath of a car crash, all that momentum halted and crumpled, you sit on the wreck vehicle and try to throw money at it for repairs or new parts but you reach a point where you want to give up on it, and everyone around you is telling you to just move on and buy a new car, but I insisted that, I could fix it, I just needed more time or money, that it’ll eventually start again but it just doesn’t, core components aren’t there anymore and I cant figure out how to fix it. The worse of it is how lights would randomly turn on, and it gives me hope that “yes this can be saved” and just as that hope begins to formulate into ideas the light turns off, and I’m just stuck. Im not the same anymore, me and her ending things at a certain time where I’ve changed, where I was just getting punched and kicked and shoved.

I randomly started thinking about my ex today, and it made me realize how much of our relationship I used to just brush off or try not to think about.
One thing that always frustrated me was that whenever I tried to have a normal conversation with him, he would somehow turn the conversation back into talking about becoming a YouTuber, getting verified on Facebook, gaining followers, and eventually making money from Facebook. It felt like almost everything somehow became about social media and trying to build an audience.
He would also randomly add people on Facebook, including some of my family members, without me knowing them or really understanding why he was doing it. Looking back, that whole situation just felt strange to me.
His family was also something I struggled with. His mom could be incredibly sweet to me and would tell me how much she loved me and how I was such a sweet person. But whenever I disagreed with her son about something, it felt like she would immediately take his side and make me out to be the problem. That was really confusing because I never felt like I could actually express when something was bothering me without it becoming an issue.
At the same time, I was working a full-time job. There were days when I would work from 6 in the morning until 10 at night, and his mom would still tell me that I called him too much and that I never let him do anything.
And honestly, I remember thinking, What exactly am I not letting him do?
He would work out, talk about wanting to go to college, and say he was going to do certain things, but then they wouldn’t really happen. When he did try college and it didn’t work out, he seemed to blame other people for why it didn’t work out.
I think what makes me frustrated now isn’t even the relationship itself. I’m not sitting here wanting him back or being bitter about him. It’s more that when I look back at everything as a whole, I realize how much I was trying to make sense of things that probably weren’t mine to fix in the first place.
I think I just needed to vent because sometimes you can be completely over someone and still look back at a relationship and think, Wow… I really put up with a lot.
Has anyone else ever had that experience?

So I started a new job working every weekday! Which isn’t unusual but it’s my first time working 5 days a week and man… I already hate it! I don’t want to work for the rest of my life😭 especially not 9-5 5 days a week! Let me marry a rich man and stay at home! BUT also it’s not that I just hate it but it is so draining (to be fair I’m around kids) and like I dread waking up early, getting ready, doing my job and ESPECIALLY with the heat… no. I dread it so much! But also I’ve had a bad experience with this feelings and it’s giving me ptsd/anxiety! 😩😭 how do I push past this! A girl needs the money 😭😭😭

idk why but ive been having almost terrible luck when it comes to friends lately. when I was younger I had no issue but ever since starting uni my life has gone to absolute shit. im a pretty social person and I love being around people but I suck at texting (more like I suck at replying to people) due to which its hard to maintain friendships unless I see them on regular basis and over time ive stopped talking as much I initially did that to protect myself because I was super talkative, friendly but also super dumb and naive due to which I couldnt read people easily and always ended up befriending terrible people (opportunists) so when I started uni I decided to keep to myself but I hate it because I wanted to talk to people but idk why I just couldnt bring myself to communicate to other. now fast forward its my last year of uni and I officially have no friends because I used to have two friends but I recently had a falling out with both because one of my friends got married and everytime I would ask her to hang out she would be too broke but then she would post stories of expensive restaurants and shopping so I confronted her about it and it lead to us not being friends anymore. now i made plans with the other friend to watch a movie which i was super excited about but she was busy so we decided to watch it two weeks after its release which i did not like but decided to just compromise because i asked her a few times if we can go watch it sooner since I really wanted to watch it the moment it came out but she told me shes busy so she can't but a few days before we were supposed to watch the movie she texts me saying her bf might be free that day and she wants to hangout with him so she can not spend the whole day with me and can only hang out during the movie which is okay a bit shitty but understandable that u want to spend time with ur bf so I told her its okay we can watch the movie some other time and she should just hang out with her bf instead because I can see her in uni but she barely gets to spend time with her bf. now i think her bf also cancelled on her and now she is constantly indirectly mentioning that shes gonna ditch me and does not want to hang out with me once the uni starts. now idk what to do because im gonna be all alone once uni starts and its gonna be super pathetic because I really wanted to enjoy my last year but now it wont be possible and I cant help but feel like an absolute loser. I just dont understand why its so hard for me to make friends now.

Been tryna donate plasma, get some free money, and it went about the same as me tryna donate fucking red liquid. I tried 3 fucking times in the past to donate the red liquid, and it goes something like this. 1st time, Pulse: WEEEE!! 2nd time, Pulse: WEEEE!!! 3rd time: Pulse: WEEEE!!! I do the breathing in and breathing out and it don't fucking work for shit!!! After that I give up. Then my mom, who's been donating plasma recently, asks me something do I want to try that and get free bullshit money. At first I say no. Then she takes my damn pulse, it's normal, and eventually convinces me to try donating plasma, and walks me through a meditation technique like I dont know how. So we go, I do the bullshit things, guess what, my pulse is actually fucking normal for once, and I'm thinking I'll finally get to donate-

I didn't drink enough fucking water and they couldn't find my vain so I couldn't do it.

Today, I try again, having drank plenty of water this time around, I do the breathing technique, and guess what fucking happened. That's right!! Pulse go fucking WEEEEEEE!!!! Like MOTHER FUCKER!!! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO ONE SIMPLE FUCKING THING?!!!!?? WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN TRYING IF IT'S GOING TO BE THE SAME FUCKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING TIME?!?!!! At this point just fuck this shit!! It never fucking works! Breathing technique is shit! Like why the fuck do I keep trying at all, if it's the same damn thing every God damn time!??!!!!!

I have fallen in love with a close friend of mine and my mind won't stop racing. This isn't exactly looking for advice and it might be a little rambly. But I need to get this off my chest.

I (22 F) met my friend (19 F) about a year and a half ago via discord (yeah yeah ik) and we hit it off almost immediately. Though she prefers to type rather than speak it didn't really bother me. And we had a lot to talk about and a lot in common. Throughout this relatively short period of time, I have ended not one but two relationships. One of which was four years long. Needless to say I don't think I'm ready for another.

She helped me with the most recent one a lot, and has been a great help. Through this our relationship got a lot closer. And I started to grow feelings.

She is so incredibly nice to me, constantly complimenting me and always being there for me and just being a great friend. Going out of her way just to stay around me a little longer.

It was about only 2 weeks ago I told her that I had romantic feelings towards her. And she said she had feelings in return but it's more complicated than that.

There are several issues with this:

- first of all I just got out of a relationship and jumping into another one isn't a good idea especially since the other one is within the friend group.

- secondly we live very far apart in fact across a great ocean and in different countries. We are both very physical people and we both know it probably wouldn't work

- thirdly: with the time difference and school starting it would be very hard for her even if we wanted to

- and lastly: she spoke to me about her having difficulties defining the difference between romantic and platonic feelings... Making this really confusing for me

After the conversation we decided to let things lie and keep it how it was before. Cutting back a little bit on flirting.

Since then nothing has really externally changed while flirting halted it didn't stop and we're back to flirting at each other again. This includes finishing her messages with chu 💜. And her asking for a kiss for kiss day.

And I'm confused with myself. Because if I feel like I have upsetted her it will ruin my day. My mornings are filled with me excitedly texting her in the morning and the same in the afternoon. People catch me looking gleefully at my phone and ask about it and I have to say that it's nothing cuz it is.

I was talking to her the other day and I mentioned how I still had romantic feelings but I was okay with being friends and she paused and said yeah. But it sounded kind of distant. I asked her if he was okay and she said yes it was back to normal.

I've internally decided I shouldn't want this to work, that isn't feasible and it's a waste of energy. That this relationship won't be romantic and that's okay I don't need that. But internally I just can't let it go. I just can't stop hoping. Wanting. When I shouldn't. It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe this will go away and I hope it does soon... But a part of me wishes it wouldn't and that we're like this forever. Having fun and flirting with each other, and I get to date her. That sounds nice, but I'm sure this intensity will fade. That's okay. I just wish I knew whether to pursue it or not and I'm scared to know the answer.

my oven started making a weird noise around 2 months ago, and on the 22nd it got to the point where it being on 24/7 was giving my brother nausea and me flashes of near uncontrollable anger as well as headaches. So I unplugged it and we called up the landlord, asking him to fix it or replace it. We got on fine ish; mostly ordering takeout, cooking over the campfire, or using the airfryer/microwave to eat cooked food. My landlord STILL hasnt done jack shit. AND TELL ME WHY. The SECOND we have $0 in my bank account. the only available outlet in the ENTIRE KITCHEN— the ONLY ONE that I can use for the appliances I NEED to COOK WITH BREAKS. it's broken! nothing works! my grandma is staying in the house! so i have to share a room with my sibling in these circumstances! My grandma who NEEDS the coffeemaker—AN APPLIANCE BTW to not veiw us all as EXTREMELY puntable. I'm so fucking mad, my little siblings birthday is tommorrow and i CANT afford to feed them ANYTHING. theres nothing i can DO to fix this. WE CANT EVEN EAT PLAIN WHITE RICE BECAUSE THE OUTLETS WE CAN USE FOR THE RICE COOKER BROKEN.

But like sometimes it literally feels like I’m being haunted by the past. Having a mother who literally did everything in her power to break you as a teen is so difficult but having a mother who tries to when you’re an adult hurts different because it’s like every excuse I ever made for you every benefit of the doubt I ever gave you..”oh you were a young parent” “it was your first time you didn’t know better” it gets thrown out the window because at what point do you know better? At what point do you want better? And then it’s like as the child who’s now an adult you’re stuck with the wondering, “why me..why wasn’t I good enough..why do you thrive to hurt me..but you’re my mom..” it’s just idk days like today it’s extremely hard to rationalize what life has become on that spectrum and accept that my life is better off without her but it doesn’t make it hurt any less..to see how low and vile you can actually be towards the people you birthed is just something I’ll never be able to wrap my head around. And it’ll always feel so lonely on this walk of life because I’ve never met anyone who related or could do anything more than sympathize. But I’m closing that chapter no matter how hard it is. I’m choosing myself and the life I still have to live and look forward to with a peace of mind..and have to accept that part of loving someone is also knowing when to let them go. And I choose to let go.

I recently started a new job as a part time assistant medical receptionist. It is for a very very small private practice that somehow has 6 doctors all coming and going on different days of the week. The office itself is physically so tiny and cramped that the front desk only has enough room for 1 person. I’ve sat at a tiny little desk that is wheeled out of an exam room for me to use. Since the front desk is only big enough for one person, there is only one desktop computer. So I have to bring my own personal laptop each day and work off of that. I have log into all of the practice’s websites and I oftentimes have to download patient info onto my own laptop in order to upload it into their chart. On top of that they only have 2 other front desk people that work alternating days because again there is only one work station. And I really don’t know how my 2 coworkers do it because I truly don’t think this is a job for one person. The phones are constantly ringing with all different kinds of requests and people or companies on the other end. And of course because the office is so tiny I can barely hear what the other person is saying on the phone because my coworkers or whoever else in the office is speaking right in front of me. I feel like I and these 2 receptionists truly have to do everything there from scheduling to billing to updating patients charts and sending out lab orders and much much much more. The doctors are always throwing more at us. And of course the phones are always ringing. I’ve been there for 3 weeks and my schedule has been something different each week. Some days were there so late I was there for over 10 hours. And nobody is allowed to leave or take a break. They all eat lunch while simultaneously working and doing multiple tasks at once. I just cannot force myself to rush to eat so quickly especially while having multiple tasks that I’m trying to do. I am just trying so hard to learn everything but it’s just so much I don’t know how they handle it. For the sake of this post not being 3 pages long I’ll leave it at that but I feel like I have endless stories of frustrating moments and I haven’t even been there for a month.

On top of all this the building physically does not have its own parking lot so my only options are to pay $8/day to park in a parking lot half a mile down the street or to park illegally on the street(if I can even find an open spot). And today for the first time since I’ve worked there I got a $200 parking ticket for parking in the same paid for lot that I have been paying for each day this whole time. This experience has just been so frustrating and I feel like this job has just taken over my life for what I was told was a part time position. Just because they don’t offer benefits. If anyone’s wondering I make $1 more than minimum wage.

I don’t know what to do or where to go to get out of this I just know I don’t know how much longer I can stay here.

I could keep rambling with more but I am just so exhausted. Any advice is welcomed if anyone is reading this.

So I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years now and its been awsome, shes my biggest supporter and always has my back, she really is amazing in all possible ways but lately ive been feeling as if maybe im leaning more towards gay atleast maybe bi but I want things that she cant give me and a poly or thruple is out of the question as shes told me shes done it before and didn't like how it made her feel, I dont know what to do cause I know if I tell her she will be hurt and I dont want to do that, I love her more then ive loved anyone before I just dont know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

TLDR: I love my girlfriend but I might be gay and I dont want to hurt her by telling her, I just dont know what to do

I need to put a positive vent out there.
I’m just so happy that pizza, particularly veggie and cheese pizza exist. I love them so much, more than I most people.

I’m picky with food, but cheese pizza?
You can almost never go wrong!!!!!!
I Just absolutely adore a plain cheese pizza cooked well , especially when the cheese gets that perfect crispy golden edge, a little crispy in places on the crust, bubbling on the cheese but just right, not overly burnt. I do like crisp tho.And that zingy, fresh tomato sauce hits right every single damn time. It’s nicely fresh and bright so so flavourful and , a little tangy/zingy, not too sweet.. wait can pizza be sweet? Anyways what I meant is it’s just… YES. I like to Add a bit of fresh basil if I’m feeling it, basil is great especially on these Napoleon pizzas. If you have not tried basil on a napoleon pizza you are missing out. Also maybe some chilli flakes for that extra wonderful kick of spice. So fucking good.
Sometimes I like to throw on some plant based pepperoni. I'm vegetarian, so that's perfect.

Honestly, people will let you down. They’ll switch up, disappoint you, people come and go.
I hate people and humans.
But a good quality cheese pizza? It stays as promised. No drama. Just good. Rainy day? Sunny day? Doesn’t matter for me. Reliable. Solid. Always there for ya. I just love pizza. Whether the style is NYC, margherita, or whatever, a good plain cheese pizza or a veggie pizza is just the right choice for anything.

Pizza is amazing. People are trash
I love pizza. Thanks for reading my pizza vent. 🍕

Tw for self harm and suicidal idealization. I don't know if my post will get deleted for it or not.

It's been some time since I have written in a Reddit post about my mental health or life, but I feel now is the time that I begin again. I have a lot on my mind. I worry that I am using a bad account because I once showed comments from this account to someone. I doubt they will be updating themselves on my Reddit endeavors. I don't want this post to be found, I might end up deleting it because of that.

I've begun harming again recently. I was very depressed two years ago, and I think I've only declined. I've attempted twice and failed very very early on, I barely consider it an attempt, and it's very shameful to me. I've tried everything to satisfy the urge. I've tried to cut and marr my skin to no avail, I've beat my head against my furniture, and several other options. I've spoken to counsel and it's never legitimate, because I don't know what I want out of my life anymore.

I used to want to be a psychiatrist. Or a child advocate lawyer. Or just a lawyer, just something. But now it feels so meaningless. I've spent my entire life in households that inflict and instill abuse. So much pain, but it's not enough to really justify how I feel now. I know people have gone through much worse. I know I have it easier than some people. I know that, if I die, it's going to hurt others and that I'll be responsible for it because they told me it will hurt them. It just doesn't feel fair. I'm not living for myself anymore. I liked to write, but it feels like a chore most days. I feel tired when I try to draw. It's always so ugly. I know people who can draw better than me. I liked reading, but haven't read a real book in months. It feels so daunting. I'm scared that I'm wasting my time, yet I don't have enough of it. I got into college and I'm so stressed out after class, I don't want to work but I have to get a job, too. I want to feel better. But I don't.

I'm told that it'll get better eventually, or that this is just part of a process of getting better. I feel like I'm the same place I was two years ago, just with newer faces because all of my old friends abandoned me for being sick. I never pictured myself committing suicide at 18. It was supposed to be sooner. I wish it was sooner, too. If I did it sooner, it would be over now. All these people who care about me would be going about their lives just fine. I'm not making their life better by being here.

I have a counselor meeting in a few days and I don't know what to tell her. If I tell her the truth, I'm going to an institution, and I'll die. It'll kill the rest of me, though I feel like the rest of me isn't far off from it. I break down.

I've began hurting myself daily recently. Hitting my head. It makes me cry every time because it's so painful, and it feels right, but I know if I tell anyone they will ask me why I do it or tell me about how bad it is. I've promised to tell everything so we can work it. I didn't tonight because they sound mocking right now. They keep asking me why and I don't know what to say. I need to? Tonight, I'll probably break down and admit it all again. Thats how weak I am. And they'll tell me I'll get better soon, and I'll agree because I wish I was. They'll tell me to stop this method and I'll suffer again. I'll be quiet again.

But I'm not getting better. I know I am not.

me and my best friend have had an on or off friendship for 8 years now. every single time we've stopped being friends, it was them cutting me off for the same reason. because I don't put effort into them, and that I refuse to change.

I don't know what I could be doing to be putting MORE effort into them. they said that I don't even know them, which I feel like is true to an extent. I struggle a lot when it comes to retaining information, and that's the same not for just them but other people, my interests, and even myself. I don't know if it's a problem with me just not remembering??

I won't lie, I'm a bit full of myself, and lazy. but I don't think it's to an extent?? I love talking about my stories and my current interests, and I won't lie, whenever other people talk about theirs or generally just things I'm not interested in, I tend to zone out. I don't wanna call myself slow because I hate being seen as stupid and shot, but I kinda am? I can't think fast enough for conversations, so that on top of zoning out all the time, I get it if it never feels like I'm actually listening. which is the correct judgement because... I'm not...

another big part of this is that me and my best friend are both writers. they talked and sent more art related stuff while I usually talked about my writing. I admitted to them that I couldn't get into their story. mostly because I couldnt remember the parts of their writing they actually talked about. they told me that I never properly engaged with their work, which I honestly don't see how I didnt?? I replied to everything even if I didn't have much to say

I know they just wanted me to put in the effort. especially because they put so much effort into me. but I just don't know how to put it more effort than I already have been???

now that I'm writing this out I think that I just have to admit to myself that I might really just not care about people as much as I'd like myself to. they were so kind about wanting me to get help for fucking. whatevers wrong with me. and I just don't know what to do with myself. they were really the only close friend I've ever had, and I have pretty bad social anxiety. so I don't really know how I'm gonna properly move on from this. I could just stick to myself but will I really change?

idk I just need therapy I think. but I don't even know where to start with that at all right now. I feel like I just need some brutal honesty. I feel guilty about everything and even how fast I wanna move on so that I don't have to think about all this anymore.

-I'm to tired to speak

-My fingers feel weak typing this

-I want to cry

-I'm too tired to even shower

-my bus ride is 3 fucking hours

-PE first thing and one of the most energy draining classes at the end of the day

-homophobic ppl in my classes

-everything feels so overwhelming

Not much even happened today and I still feel so fucking weak and dead

I have 6 hours of school, waking up at 5 AM with 3 hours of sleep and a 1 hour and 30 minute bus ride each way to school.

I'm trying to do better in school (my last year grades were ass lol) But I feel so horrible even thinking about walking back to the bus stop tomorrow but idk maybe I'm just being dramatic

I have been struggling for some time deriving any sort of good feelings or pleasure. I feel aimless and unfulfilled. I have a dead-end job, broke as a joke, my relationship is good but i feel guilty about being such a bitch sometimes, i end up being quiet and letting the day go by without letting him in truly. i just feel like i have failed at life, things are not in my control. im not even hysterical about it, but more matter of fact that i kind of want to end it all.

Just ranting about my sister, she's in her early 40s with an infant son.

It upset me that when my nephew was around 2-3 months she came over to moms house, where I'm currently living and precedes to leave for a walk. I was on a lunch break from work but knowing my sister her story to just go for a walk seemed fishy. So I circled back by the house about 30-40 minutes later.

She had gotten a few bottles of liquor and had quite a bit, our mom was at work and I had to get back to work. So I called the police, they came out she had locked us out and they said they couldn't do anything because they could see her through the door with him

She does have a record and our address is in the database for her behavior.

CPS just doesn't do anything. Our systems are overloaded.

I worry all the time about him, and if I speak up, I'm somehow being a problem to both her and my mom.

It's just not a good situation here for me. I feel like I'm an accomplice to their abusive behaviors.

I quit my job a few months ago, and I really can't stand the current way our society is in general in the US.

I'm torn between trying to stick it out here, I sometimes feel like my anger will get the best of me one day and I'll do something that will have irreversible damage to my relationships.

I've been looking for work but not as much as I could.

I guess I'm trying to figure out where I want things to go.

If I don't get a job soon like in the next month I'll be forced to defaulting on my credit card debts.

There's a long haul truck driving job I could take. That lifestyle is a bit crazy and I worry if I'll be able to maintain my health and sanity doing that.

But at the same time I think it's pretty insane for me to stay in my current situation.

I've lived in sober living homes before pretty hard to study at those houses for better paying work.

I also just watch to much news and very concerned about our world

Won't go into all the past that led her but to say we come from a pretty dysfunctional home. Dad's schizophrenic-bi-polar. Our parents divorced each other twice, there's a lot more here that shaped our childhood I've been in ACOA meetings for the last two years and it's helped me in building my empathy for myself and others as I also struggled with addictions, just not to the extent of my sister.

I moved schools last march. I'm going onto 9th grade.

The friends I made at my old school were so nice. They were so understanding and so supportive. We even hugged and held hands in the hallways. It was the worst year of my life but I'd never had such a wonderful friendship with anyone ever.

Then I had to leave because we couldn't pay the school tuition. My new school is actually pretty fire, but my old friends... drifted off. I was so overcome by guilt and grief that I thought I could get over my old friends by pretending they were dead. And they weren't mad, they had other social connection so they didn't rlly respond either. I kept in touch for a bit afterwards, but I realized that I didn't mean to them what they meant to me.

I don't think I'll ever make friends again. Not like that. I miss them so much, but I really can't keep up online friendships so I have no chance at an actual friendship with them either. I was expecting the end of our friendship eventually once we changed classes, but I wasn't expecting the months of grief and loneliness that came with leaving so suddenly.

I can usually stand being by myself, and truthfully I actually can't keep up friendships so it's not so different. But tonight I feel so depressed and defeated. And deep inside me, I have felt this way for 6 months.

I'm not writing all this to gain an online friend or someone to talk to. I can't talk by text. I can't stand it. I just want to get this out of my system and not onto my pathetic diary. Thx if you read all this haha.

The only thing i understand it as is when you just for the most part let go and trust and excuse the persons wrongdoings past, current and future… and yes reconcile (assuming they want to be in your life).

I find it hard to not have a black and white view of forgiveness. Maybe thats just codependency speaking.

Because i get scared thinking of bad world events or personal health crises and i feel like when/if such things happen, I do/would not want or be able to have have some chip on my shoulder so to speak where i have some judgement or resentment towards someone/people and then I need to humbly rely on or ask for their help. Because i realize even if people/someone sucks in some ways, they are often/can be helpful in other ways (like practical).

Imagine having an attitude lowkey with someone because you were upset or miffed they had one with you first, or maybe they actually are someone you know better and they have hurt you repeatedly in the past… and then you have an emergency and you have to rely on or ask them for help in some way. How silly would that feel in that moment?

I do want to forgive people. But when I look for advice about forgiveness, people may say you can forgive but have boundaries. And that confuses me. It sounds great, yes, but in practice i dont get it.

Ive also heard someone question how you can say you forgive someone but then say “i close myself off to this person and dont want to fellowship or welcome them”— this is the way i experience forgiveness practically or on an emotional level as well. It just doesnt sound appealing on an intellectual level because it sounds dangerous. And i have forgiven this way many times and repeatedly get hurt, but maybe i have grown a bit smarter each time and natural self-protective boundaries form, without it feeling purposeful or weird—just natural. So maybe that makes repeated forgiveness easier.

May I ask, is there a forum or group to talk to other people in this situation and find out each other's location if we chose to disclose to see if anyone is near each other and wants to be friends or get to know each other and maybe get out of the situation? I get kicked off saying I broke rules. I do not want to go in split pad or roomies cause rather someone else going through same. I rather help someone not in a room than someone already in one. 2 people with similar medical problems and situations might be able to help each other in different ways. See everyone similar but everyone is so far apart. I get rapist murders pedophiles etc. We are our own judgement when meeting just as if we were on the street. I wish the census bureau or local des or foodstamp housing offices would try to help homeless or urban car living together like pedophiles together, people with gi issues together. Not sure about to schizophrenia but you see what I mean maybe two close or 2 that can help each other to not be hungry, not feel unsafe cause alone, to work together to have a roof food doctors etc. Or safe parking. So many in and on and around in cars on the streets and many alone by choice many alone cause they don't know how to get back into a place. Face it most people don't even really want to rent to people living out of car or street. Where or how can people get together to get out of situation? The mod person told me to look for others around but if in a new state and living in car and Airbnb I don't see others. Not in this situation. And most not in this situation don't want to be friends with someone, its almost like they pitty you. Lol. I just do not know where to end up which state and don't want to try alone anymore. I know someone else in situation may want to team up and get out. Just don't know how to find them. And get in trouble if I put a post requesting or asking where they live at times. Is there a specific forum for each state? Do you think it would be a good idea to make one. Example homeless urban arriving in Florida or Canada Ohio etc. I know safety reason but we have the same safety outside we have to talk video meet up BEFORE making a choice. I think its the same as meeting for a quickie and I see tons of pages for that. Asking to meetup for sex cannot be safer than asking someone homeless or in car where living and do you want to meet to be friends & possibly get out of homeless or living in car etc.

ive stopped taking my antidepressants properly for almost 3 months now and im visibly doing shit

i can never manage to be consistent with them and it doesnt even matter if i take them because i need to either drink or be high every day

its either that or jacking off to very unhealthy porn, or both actually

i wanna escape i wanna leave i wanna feel everything more, i just always wanna get out of anywhere i am

i have no weed and all i can think about is getting high, or just leaving

no matter where i am i always wanna leave, be it my bed or with people or alone or having fun or not i always wanna leave

and im out of weed and i cant do that