You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

A man gets a flat tire and pulls over to the side of the road. He happens to be next to an asylum and as he is changing the tire one of the inmates stares at him from behind a fence. After taking all 5 lug nuts off the tire and setting them on the spare he falls and knocks the spare over, sending the lug nuts into a ditch. He can only find 1 of them and decides he will not make it home.

The inmate then reveals that the reason he is in the asylum is because his name is Frug Plamblander

"Well, what did you have before dinner," he asked.

"Fish," I replied and winked at my date. "And you?" I playfully asked her.

"Crabs."

Because it will constantly be ticking and talking.

oh, rector and corrector

Great guy, but not my type.

My life is lacking a sense of porpoise

The doctor says, "Don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure."

The guy looks confused and says, "But Doc, I don't have an erection."

The doctor whispers, "I know, I was talking about myself."

An escasooner

I’ll see myself out….

Wanted the fellas in hell to think he died eating pussy

But I'm a rocking horse!!!

It's not a tuber!

Marshall Masters

Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls on the other side….

The electric guitar is Terminator, my bass is Total Recall, my gamelan is Predator (obviously), but I can't think of a name for my drum set.

It's a real conandrum.

Because then it would be a foot.

What do you call a criminally wanted chemist gang who flee the country?

...

A leaving group.

Mine's accurate. Nobody communicates, there's passive aggression, and someone always inherits someone else's problems.

"I came as fast as I could."

"It's harder than it looks."

"I've been working on this position all week."

"I need a hand with this."

"I wasn't expecting it to be this hard."

"It's not the length, it's how you use it."

"The first time is always awkward."

So 3 leprechauns walk into a convent and ask to speak to the mother superior.
When they get their meeting, the first leprechaun steps up and asks,
“Be begging your pardon ma’am, but can you tell me if you have any leprechaun nun’s here?”
When mother superior replies “no, I’m sorry we don’t “
The second leprechaun asks “ do you have any leprechaun nun’s in the convent on the other side of town?”
The mother superior replies “I’m sorry, no”
The first steps up again and asks “do you know of any leprechaun nun’s within a hundred mile radius of us?”
Mother superior replies “not that I know of, sorry”
The second leprechaun look’s at the third leprechaun and says “see? I told you you fucked a penguin!”

I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold...

I don't know what she’s talking about, the fridge works perfectly fine.

He forgot to flush the toilet

The widow agreed, and he went up to the podium and said: "Hole in the ground where you get your water."

Puzzled by this, the funeral goers look to the widow, so she said: "It's ok, he means well"

Nothing but the squirrel has a much better PR agent.

...