The man who comes on stage exactly at his cue is prompt; but the man who does not come on at all is prompter.

I can’t wait to get the new iPhone 19.

Me: I know, that's why I ordered the family bucket. No-one gets left behind.

It's a big day for the robot family. The robot patriarch, X7-051, is hosting a dinner for his three robot sons, and all three of them are engaged to beautiful robot women. X7-051 is very excited to hear all about them.

As they sit down to their first course of oil soup with Li-ion batteries, he turns to his first son.

"So, X8-001, tell me about this robot fiancée of yours! I hear she's quite a catch!"

X8-001 replies, "yes father. She's made of stainless steel! I'm a very lucky robot man!"

X7-051 is overjoyed! "Stainless steel! That's wonderful! I can't wait until the robot wedding!"

He then turns to his middle robot son. "X8-002, tell us about your robot fiancée!"

X8-002 says, with a grin on his metallic face, "well father, I'd have to say I've got my brother beat. My robot fiancée is made of pure titanium!"

X7-051 chortles and slaps his robot knee. "Titanium! Why, that's space-age stuff! Very difficult to forge! I'm so proud of you, my boy!"

X7-051 cocks a robot eyebrow and turns to his third son, who has always been the black electric sheep of the family. "So, X8-003, tell us all about your robot fiancée!"

X8-003 stands up straight, puts his spoon down, and folds his napkin. "Father, I love my robot fiancée very much and I can't wait to robot marry her. I knew when we met you would never approve of her, but I can't help my feelings. My robot fiancée is made... of iron."

X7-051 jumps up in his seat, pounds the table and yells, "Iron?! Why, she's no better than a common ore!!"

One's a Goodyear, the other's a Greatyear!

"Ya know, we've been married for over 50 years. And lately I started to feel depressed so I went to see a psychologist"

"So, what did he tell you?"

The old woman continued, "He said that I should be having sex four times a week. Did you hear that, four times a week I should be having sex."

The husband looked over at her blankly,

"Sign me up for two"

"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Scott along next time?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.

"But Scott has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart on that beautiful course."

So the next day Jack tees off with Scott looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.

"Yup," says Scott.

"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.

And Scott says, "I forgot."

And his friend says, "It's a quarter to three."

A guy called a plumber to repair a pipe in his house. It was mounted high on the wall. The plumber who was like 6 feet and he easily repaired it without any step-stool. The guy was intimidated by his appearance since he was only 5'5.

Again one day there was a leakage in another pipe which was high up on the wall. But the plumber was not available. What did he do then?

He remembered a girl who studied in his class who was like 5'10-5'11. He thought if she had been there she would have touched the pipe easily without standing on anything.

But wait she's not a plumber then how would she help?

Well the guy himself can handle the tool while standing on a step stool since he isn't tall as the 6 feet plumber meanwhile the girl holds the pipe tightly until the water stops leaking.

A homophobe was in a gay wedding

Someone asked him what are you doing here? you hate gays, and you're against gay marriage

The homophobe said I'm waiting for "if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now..."

He saved up and got into vetinary school, then landed his first job neutering horses. He got fired his first week. apparently, dude really drops the ball under pressure.

Now they are in jail for my warrants!

That night, a fast asleep Porky was woken up by a terrified Choppy.

"What is it?" asked an annoyed Porky.

"There's a freaking ghost in the bathroom!" said Choppy, still trembling with fright.

"How can there be a ghost in the bathroom?"

"Whenever I open the door, the light turns on by itself," explained Choppy. "Likewise, when I shut the door, the light turns off."

"That's no ghost, you idiot!" said an irritated Porky. "That's the refrigerator!"

"Damn!" Choppy froze. "No wonder, the breeze was so cold, too."

Why can't he remember? He is there every time it happens!

But their versions are just rip-offs.

Well, it's been going downhill for years.

I asked, “How do you know that?”

He said, “I keep a log.”

She complains to him: “Darling, look, our neighbor gives his wife a kiss every day he leaves the home for work. You have never done this.”

He replies: “Why should I do this. I don't know her at all.”

Because Nunavut was ever worth the risk.

He wanted to decrypt mummies.