Hi all - posting this to a more appropriate sub.

I recently became a Dad, but unfortunately lost my daughter after 27 days of life due to a hypoxic injury (HIE) suffered shortly before birth. We were able to spend 5 days at home in a hospice type setting with her Mom and golden retriever.

Posting here because sometimes it feels hard to be a Dad with her not being present here on earth. I know she is with us and I feel her soul is in a better place. She is my angel. I will always be her Dad.

Everyone is telling me to talk to someone, join a support group, etc. They mean well. I channel my sadness and anger through music. Currently writing a song in her honor and I created an X account (@SadDadSongs) where I’ll post one song each day about her and include my favorite quote from the song. Feels like one of my versions of therapy. The first song choice was “All Around You” by Sturgill Simpson. It’s been nice to focus on what the 2nd song will be today. Likely something by Billy Strings.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Hope you follow my account. If not, I hope everyone is able to find their version of peace. You deserve it.

It's been 10 weeks since I lost my son during labour. I've felt frozen in time, but I can feel life continuing around me. Even the buds are starting to bloom around me on cherry blossoms. Winter is over, but I'm not ready to feel the beauty of spring.

The only way I can justify picking myself up and slowly integrating into the world is if I make it mean something. I've always been an impact oriented person, but the things I used to have passion for now feel hollow. I have a huge sense of responsibility that since my son couldn't create his own legacy I must forge that for him.

I can say the greatest way it will mean something is the way I'll show up for my future family. I can no longer fathom complaining about being tired postpartum, or anything regarding parenting for that matter (huge trigger for me at the moment). But in the meantime how do I honour my baby?

What did you do? Both in terms of as a family unit and/or volunteering, donating, sharing their story etc?

We said goodbye Saturday. It was very traumatic for me. 11 days in the NICU. They rolled me in while holding him into like a comfier room and when I opened my eyes and looked at him I had a massive panic attack. I went dead weight and my parents and husband and entire nursing staff on the floor had to get me and take the baby. I wasn’t able to sit in there and watch him turn blue and die. I just couldn’t. It was too much for me.

Now it’s been a couple days I just have 1000 thoughts. I have questions that have been answered but repeat in my mind because of fear.

For context I’m 28. First pregnancy. Went in for an induction, his heart rate dropped, emergency c section and then he came out not breathing, later to find out that this more than likely was a spontaneous genetic glitch in the early weeks on pregnancy that no ultrasound could have caught.

He was 4lbs and 37 weeks.

For those of you who have gone through this, or something similar… is there hope for a day where I can have a healthy baby? They told me I more than likely will have c sections for the rest of any children I plan to have. Which I like the sound of truly but they mentioned a tiny chance of with each c section I could have a Placenta Accreta Spectrum where the placenta could attach to the previous c section scar and could lead to a hysterectomy. The doctor said there’s a small chance but given that a De Novo genetic event happened to me and that chance is like 0.03% out of the population, I’m terrified of something like that happening to me.
Have any of you had repeat c sections? Did everything turn out okay?

Any advice you guys would have for me?
I just feel empty because this child was completely planned and I left my career to fully stay home and be a mom and I was so excited. Now I just feel alone and empty. I’m not alone though I just feel that way because I had him inside me for 9 months and now he’s just gone. 😔

I got my placenta pathology back yesterday after my baby passed at 26 weeks on 8/21, and finally have an answer of what happened to my baby 😢 At first they believed it was chorio because I almost became septic during labor and had a horrible infection going on in my body, but she passed from Fetal Vascular Malperfusion caused by a hypercoiled umbilical cord. A normal coil index is 0.2 and my cord was 0.6. Because of this, the placenta was completely avascular in some places and there was a small blood clot found on the fetal side as well from the blood flow restriction. I’m so thankful I finally have an answer, but so sad at the same time. I had no idea her cord was like that, and I didn’t see it when I birthed her because I gave birth on my knees facing the bed. By the time I turned around, they already had my placenta and all that away. The pathology report also says the cause of the hypercoiling is unknown. Has anyone else experienced the same cause of your loss ? I didn’t even know this cord incident was possible.

Today is the start of the BER months. The dreadful summer is behind us. It should have been a beautiful summer, maternity leave with my beautiful baby, instead he passed away in May and it’s just been a constant reminder of what should have been, but never will be. Why did I think today being the 1st day of autumn would make me feel any better? Delusional I know!

Hello everyone,

I was told recently by another friend who lost her baby when she was younger that losing a baby is indeed a club you dont want membership. After hearing about everyone's loss and recently experiencing our own loss, I can see why.

However, besides us venting, what has everyone else done in terms of chasing accountability on the doctors' and medical professionals who looked after your baby? I know most cases were likely not the doctor's "fault" but in other cases what were the avenues you took to seek accountability?

The hospital staff have already reached out to us regarding finding out what happened, but I am not hopeful of their findings as there is likely bias and conflicts of interest. Where we live, I can also reach out to an ombudsman, the physician's association and I will likely seek legal counsel on a contingency basis.

Anybody else have luck with any of those avenues? By luck, I mean, did it go anywhere where somebody was actually held accountable, instead of just "Theres nothing we could've done to prevent ypur daughter's death" which is what all the doctors have been telling us and quite frankly, unacceptable.

Signed,

Father seeking accountability

I took 9 weeks off work after I lost my baby at 33.5 weeks to a placental abruption and delivered via emergency c-section for my own safety. Today was my first day back. I used to love my job. And I know I still do, but I just don’t care about it at all right now. Every problem at work just seems so petty and annoying. I can’t stand all the people who complain about stupid things. My coworkers are fine. They all welcomed me back and seemed happy to see me. But at the same time they feel like fake friends. They never asked me how I am or mentioned my loss at all. Not only do I feel so exposed, because everyone (dozens) of people know my deepest trauma just happened to me, but no one says anything to me. So I walk around feeling I forgot to put pants on but everyone is too embarrassed for me to tell me. It feels so lonely and like I don’t want to be there and around people. Do I want people to pity me? No. But how do I just pretend nothing happened and go back to stupid work problems that are obviously so insignificant compared to what I just went through?

First off, I wish we all were not members of this club <3 

I lost my daughter earlier this year at just shy of 39 weeks. I delivered her vaginally. My period came back about 10 weeks postpartum. Historically, my cycles have been on the shorter side and irregular in terms of length and ovulation day. I am trying to conceive again. Ever since my periods have returned, I have started to experience bleeding around 36-48 hours after I get a positive LH surge on the clear blue digital advanced ovulation tests. It is not light spotting. It is actual bleeding that is red, and I believe it means my uterine lining is starting to shed very quickly after the time I should be ovulating. I had a pelvic and transvaginal scan both come back clear, which is reassuring, but I think that means something is very wrong with me hormonally. 

I had recently been prescribed progesterone to help support my luteal phase which was on the shorter side prior to losing my daugther. My body does seem to respond to this and the bleeding stops after a day or so on the progesterone. But I am very concerned about what this mid-cycle, post ovulation bleeding means for my fertility, as focusing on TTC is how I am surviving the loss of my daughter and the trauma I’ve gone through. Has anyone experienced something similar? I am based in the UK and should have a gynecologist appointment in about 2 months from now. The waiting is torturing me - I feel like my life becomes further “off track” with every unsuccessfully cycle. Losing my daughter was the worst thing I’ve been though, and I’m having a really hard time given that the thing I feel that I need to keep moving forward (becoming pregnant again) is both out of my control and unlikely given my bleeding. 

Thank you.

Hello all,

As of yesterday, it has been 9 years since the loss of my son, Finn, to stillbirth due to my wife having preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Although I am always honoured to share our story with people today, I just wanted to give some advice to those who are much earlier in their journey than myself, because it is easy to feel alone. To start I will say: use your support system. Let them be there when you need them. Spouse, parents, children, friends. Whoever that is for you.

First I want to say something that I think every counselor will tell you. What you are feeling will never fully go away, but things will get easier, and the waves of grief will hit further apart. What they might not tell you is that early on, when an hour hits where you don't feel massive grief, you will be hit by guilt for not feeling grief. You get an hour where maybe you were with friends or family and you laugh, and then you feel guilty for being "okay" for a short time. This will also happen off and on for the foreseeable future. It still happens to me now, occasionally. That being said, I want to tell you: it's okay to let yourself feel some relief or even joy. It is not disrespectful to the memory of your angel, and it is not a sign that they are being forgotten by any stretch. We need both.

I mentioned above these waves of grief. I believe this will be an analogy many people will likely share with you, and it couldn't be more true. At first it is a raging storm where the grief does not stop, from the moment you open your eyes until you close them. Eventually the waves spread out a bit: hours, days, weeks. Eventually the waves might only come when you least expect them, or on dates that would have been "milestones," like what would have been their first day of school, or something of that nature. For me, some key life days have been forever altered. My anniversary happens to land on Infant Loss Awareness Day (our first marriage anniversary was our first Infant Loss Awareness Day). My son's due date was on my birthday, and even though that wasn't his actual birthday, it's a day I have now given him as well. Just know that whatever you are feeling, or whenever you are feeling it, it is valid, and let yourself feel it. You hear a song that makes you think of your little one? Let those emotions flood in. It is those moments that remind us how much a little life can make a big impact. Let yourself feel happy when you can, and when you need to be sad, let that happen too. Usually every summer I get my "summertime sadness," and I struggle, and my wife kind of braces for it because she knows how hard it is for me. Nine years... this is the first summer where it didn't hit me quite the same as others. Next year, who knows.

Kind of along the same lines as above: find your escapes from reality, but do not get lost in them. An escape can be healthy, but you can't live there. Don't forget who you are, because although you feel broken, remember the pieces of you are still there. It just takes time to be put back together, and that's what these escapes can be. For myself at the time, it was Final Fantasy XIV. I know it sounds weird, but at that time it was the MMO life that was an escape. I could play the game, be surrounded by other players, and for a brief time, no one looked at me like I was damaged. I needed that. Find what you need. But remember, you can't live in the escape. Reality will wait for you, and it will hit you harder if you ignore it.

One spot I struggled with for years is both what others say to you, and sometimes how you respond. I would say 99% of people mean well with what they say. Try to remember that, but even though they mean well, it doesn't mean you won't get upset. People will tell you "It's God's plan," "People go through this all the time," or something of that nature. I know nothing made me angrier than this. It felt as if people were brushing off the passing of my son. It took me a while to understand: people just don't know what to say. And the truth is, there is no right thing to say to someone going through this loss, but sometimes you just want to hear either nothing, or even a "You know what, that fucking sucks," and not hear "It all works out, you'll be okay." So if you are reading this, I will say this now. It fucking sucks. I am sorry you are now part of this community that none of us ever imagined joining.

The next thing I want to touch on is pride. Be proud to be the Mom or Dad that you ARE. Whether or not your child is on Earth any longer, you are a parent. People will ask you if you have kids, or how many you have. At first you will hesitate to answer. It's awkward. You want to tell the world, but you know how the world responds. Do NOT let their feeling awkward take away your pride. I have tattoos, pictures, and in our house there is a shelf just for Finn. We still celebrate his birthday in our house (we had a superhero cake for him yesterday). We have a Molly Bear, which for any loss parent, I recommend you look up, an amazing story that helped us a lot, that is in our family photos. My other children acknowledge their sibling. My rainbow baby knows about her brother and is not shy to talk about him. That is healthy. You know what every other parent loves to do? Brag about their children. In my experience, parents of an angel are no different. We want to tell people about how cute and perfect our children were. We want to tell them about the pregnancy. Most of us want to share the story so the world knows about a light that was lost too soon. Talk about your child. It will heal you as well. Let the world feel awkward. It is not YOUR responsibility to make others feel okay with it. You should NEVER need to apologize for making people uncomfortable by talking about your child. Be proud. Your child is beautiful.

Last thing I will touch on is family and others, and how they handle it. Your extended family might not understand. Some will try, and truly always be there for you; others will almost pretend it didn't happen, which will hurt. I remember my nephew being at my in-laws' house and asking who the baby picture on the fridge was, and when I told him, he had no idea. It hurt to hear that my family had kind of hidden his cousin from him, and they were a bit upset they had to have that hard talk with him when he went home. Child loss is a hard topic. People don't know how to respond or approach it, and although you may not agree with it, remember everyone will handle it differently. There is no right or wrong, but don't adjust how you handle it for others.

Child loss and the inherent emotions around it are something I could talk about endlessly. Becoming a parent changes a person. Becoming a parent to an angel is a full transformation. When you are broken, you truly get rebuilt, and let it be for the better, but understand it takes time. Losing my son changed me in many ways, much of which was positive. It made me more emotionally available to my wife. I used to really block things out, but it broke that part of me and let her in. We have hosted child loss events in my city, showing our local community they are not alone. We petitioned the city to light up in pink and blue on Infant Loss Awareness Day to raise awareness. Do what you need to heal. Remember you are not alone. Remember you are loved.

A year ago I delivered my dead baby at 38 weeks. She shares a birthday with a friend's child. I heard nothing from this friend. We were invited to a party and nobody at the party remembered this day, even my husband's sister. We have outgrown every person in our lives who used to be our friend. They all prioritize partying or they are straight up inconsiderate. I live with this trauma every day, but to them it is not worth remembering apparently. I want to live in an isolated home in the country with my husband and never deal with anyone again. This tragedy has truly revealed to me who is important in my life. It has weeded out all the people who live an ungrateful life. We went to the zoo and saw parents being mean to their toddlers. I wanted to approach them and say, "Your child could be dead." They take for granted what has come to them easily. Nobody gets it. This trauma has been so isolating. Yet I also have no interest in reaching out to those who just don't get it. When we are around people who are having fun, it feels like they lack the depth that this trauma has forced us to have. Life is so carefree for some people. And I am here, never the same person again because I had to hold a dead baby. For nine months I sacrificed everything only to be left with some kind of PTSD. I know I'm preaching to the choir. I am just tired of feeling so alone when my life used to include my friends so much. But I truly feel like I have moved on from them and trying to reconnect would not work.

I want to put together a small gift basket for a friend who is expecting a baby after a third trimester loss.

she has completely disassociated from this pregnancy and is terrified about the birth process again. I didn’t want to go super crazy with baby gifts because I know that she’s not fully accepting that this baby will be earthside.

what can I get her that would be helpful. she’s scheduled for a c section in a few weeks. I was thinking of gearing the basket for mom/dad/big sis stuff.

TW- Living Children

My son was born sleeping at exactly 36 weeks on 08/25/26. We held him for 15 hours until he was taken away. He was 6lbs 7oz and 19.5 inches long. Just as long as my other son and 2 oz smaller than my daughter. He was so close to being full term. I’m still having a hard time accepting that this is reality and that I will not have him in my arms ever again. My daughter and son won’t live alongside their little brother. They won’t grow up together.

I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to go back to just filling juice cups, doing dishes, laundry and just the monotony of every day life. I have two beautiful, perfect living children that need me. I don’t know if I’ll have another baby or if this is the end of that chapter for me.

I don’t want to see or talk to anyone besides my husband. All of my friends have infants or are going to be trying to conceive soon. I think I am also trauma bonded to my husband because he was the only other one who met our son. I want to be with him all the time, in the same room. If he has to do something outside then me and the kids are going out and watching him. I’m terrified of when he goes back to work and I’m alone all day. I’m a stay at home mom and my other children are 2 and 3. We usually have multiple play dates a week, but I can’t even look at another baby at walmart without crying so I think park and play place dates are far away in our future.

I think I want to have another baby for a redemptive end to this chapter of my life, but I don’t know that my husbands heart will ever be ready (and that’s totally fair).

Our first son has crainosyntosis….the statistical chances of two healthy relatively young parents having one healthy baby, one baby with crainosyntosis (requiring skull surgery at 3 months old) and then a late preterm still birth is ONE IN 1,030,000……

How do you move on from here? How do I grieve and be a present mom for my other babies? How do you take the chance of having another pregnancy? When does it get easier to breathe and wake up in the morning? Does it ever?

I gave birth over the weekend after my 20 week scan showed no heartbeat. Baby is estimated to have died early 18 weeks basked on scan size.

I visited a spa around this time, I was cautious about heat but did sit in jacuzzi with jets. My waters had meconium in which the midwife said ‘was a sign of distress’.

I can’t get this out of my mind. I’m convinced I killed my baby with the jacuzzi jets and it suffered alone.

Has anyone else felt like this? It’s killing me.

TW: pregnancy

My son died at 38+5 weeks in March from unknown causes. I’m still getting tests done for possible diagnoses on my end after switching providers. I’m currently 8+3 pregnant again, and my husband and I haven’t told anyone, and don’t plan to any time soon, except for other loss moms that I have met in the community…because they’re the only ones who get it. The thing is, I have friends reaching out to me to hang out, but I feel like with medical testing, new pregnancy, and still grieving my son, I don’t have the mental capacity to see these people. One friend in particular lives 3-4 hours away from me and I haven’t seen her since my son died. We have been trying to plan a time for her to come visit me for a weekend, but now that I’m pregnant, I feel like I want nothing to do with that. She keeps asking me about weekends, and everything just feels way too overwhelming for me. I ended up texting her this in the morning (not explaining the circumstances, but just saying I’m too emotionally overwhelmed in my life right now), and she hasn’t replied. Am I wrong for pushing people away? To be completely honest, I only want to be around immediate family and new friends that I’ve made within the loss community.

I should also add that the weekend that she asked about, is the weekend before a planned fundraiser walk for my son..which she hasn’t explicitly told me she isn’t coming to, but implying it by not giving me a definite answer and suggesting other weekends. I feel like I could handle seeing these people if they showed up for my son at the walk, but right now I feel like why should I overwhelm myself to see you if you aren’t coming to the one thing we have planned to honor my dead son?

Sorry this is a bit of a rant, but I know people talk about secondary losses, but I feel like I’m the one causing them. I don’t answer people, I don’t put in effort.. I just can’t handle it and want to live in my little bubble.

I am devastated for my baby who has lost her baby. How can I best support them? They are both such fantastic people and were so ready to welcome her.

This month is coming up on 3 years since my son, Jonah, was born sleeping at 36w6d. I had a healthy pregnancy, until developing severe preeclampsia one night which resulted in a complete placental abruption. By the time I got to the hospital he was already gone. Leading up to going to the hospital, I was having a lot of back pain and nausea so thought I was going into labor. I thought my water broke but when I looked down it was all blood. I made it to the bathroom and was bleeding so heavily it was splashing onto the walls. I was alone with my autistic son at the time, and nearly passed out. Help arrived quickly and I was transported to the hospital via ambulance. I’ve never been that sick before, and what struck me most was how my mind wasn’t thinking clearly. As I was being wheeled to the ambulance I thought “Sam (my partner) will have to bring his car seat and pack me and the baby a bag”. I’m an RN and it never occurred to me that my baby was gone. I needed a c section, 3 units of blood, a unit of platelets, and a stay in the ICU.

I’ve been quiet about sharing my story with anyone really, and I would say I have grieved quietly. 3 years later when I really think about it I still can’t believe that something like that happened to me. Has anyone else experienced disbelief for so long? Or experienced anything similar? I find myself ruminating on that day a lot. I feel like almost dissociated from the event. Will this ever change?

Happy heavenly birthday my sweet baby boy, you left my body today but never our hearts. I am grateful for all the miracles you've provided us since your journey, we miss you like crazy. Love mum dad and sissy

Ps thank you for everyone in this group for helping me through this year. I would not be here without this community. I pray all our babies are playing together somewhere

Hi, I always thought I’d just be a reader here and never post, but I’m desperate for some encouragement. March 28 of this year I experienced PPROM losing my baby girl at 15 weeks. It was the most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced and still to this day feels like it just happened yesterday. I got my period back in May and didn’t feel like having sex again until around mid June. I started tracking ovulation after last months cycle and yesterday, I started my period. I see stories of women only able to conceive once and it ends in loss and it’s heartbreaking and I fear that may be me. I’m just hoping for a little bit of encouragement because I’m feeling so hopeless right now.

TW: mentions LC and pet death

Today, on the 31st of August, I should be 31 weeks with our baby girl. It also happens to be my eldest’s 11th birthday today.

We’ve had a really rough three months since tiny girl was born at 18 weeks back in June - we booked a last minute holiday to try and make some positive memories. On day 4 we had a phone call to tell us that our cat had been run over and killed. My parents are at home looking after our pets so they’re devastated it’s happened on their watch.

This cat, has been with me through everything. All seven losses and also through all the happier times. She was 12 years old and was my soul cat! We still have her sister but it’s just compounded all the awful grief we’re already going through. This holiday has marked 12 weeks since baby girl was born too.

I don’t really know the point to this post… it’s all just a bit much!

My son died at 04:00 this morning, he passed away in my arms and seeing him dead has been extremely disturbing for me. We transferred him to a hospice to spend time with him after he passed but he looks so different already and it hasn’t even been a full day. The original plan was to stay for 3 days but now I’m not sure if I can. I know he’s still my little boy but he looks like as if he’s severely jaundiced and his ears and back of his head have turned red. He had a very peaceful death but seeing the effects on his body is hellish and deeply unsettles me and It’s like my body knows that there is a dead body in the room with me and I can’t shake this overwhelming sense of death. It’s so heavy and I don’t know how long I can go on knowing he will only look worse and worse. I’m grateful that we’ve transferred to a hospice because for once we are able to be his parents, change his nappy, dress him, take him for walks in his buggy. He lived for 115 days and every single one of them was spent in the NICU tied up to machines. I know he’s my baby but he also isn’t. My baby is gone and his body has been left behind. But part of me is frightened of him, I’ve never experienced death before and especially not watching someone die and seeing the physical change it does to their body and it’s shocking and uncomfortable. I want to spend time with him and be his mummy properly but I know he isn’t in there and it’s hard. If someone could share their experience I would be very grateful.

Hi everyone. On July 31 of this year, I lost my baby Salvador at 18+5 weeks of pregnancy.
I had premature rupture of membranes (PPROM) followed by umbilical cord prolapse. I realized something was wrong when I went to the bathroom and found the umbilical cord between my legs. I got to the hospital within about two minutes, but there was already no heartbeat.
I had no pain. I only felt some pressure in my pubic area, but I had been told that this was normal as the baby grew. When the doctors examined me, they found that my cervix was still long but permeable, which allowed the cord to prolapse.
Since I had no pain or contractions, they induced labor with Misoprostol, and four hours later my precious Salvador was born stillborn.
The pathology report on my placenta showed:
“Second-trimester placenta with severe acute advanced chorioamnionitis and increased syncytial knots.”
The report also stated:
“Findings consistent with maternal inflammatory response (MIR), stage 3, grade 2.”
The autopsy found no malformations or genetic abnormalities.
In the report from the curettage performed after delivery, it stated:
“No chorionic villi, signs of infection, or gestational trophoblastic disease observed.”
And in the report concerning my baby, it stated:
“No signs of intra-amniotic infection were found in this sample.”
I have an appointment with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist in two weeks, and I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.
What questions did you ask your specialist? It seems that my loss may have been related to an ascending infection, and I would like to know whether there are any treatments or preventive measures that could reduce the risk of this happening again in a future pregnancy.
I would also like to know if any of you have experienced something similar and what I should do in a future pregnancy to detect a problem early, because I had absolutely no idea that anything was wrong. I had no pain, fever, contractions, unusual discharge, or bad smell.
I’m trying to understand what happened and how I can give myself the best possible chance in a future pregnancy.
Sending you all a hug. ❤️