I failed terribly in my class 11 year finals. It came as a huge blow to my parents as I was always that good student jaake niye shobar kache tara golpo korto, ssc teo golden A+ ashsilo.
Year final er result er por parents meeting chilo, principal and class teacher amar ma baba joto dhoroner insult, amar jotto dosh dhora jay shob korechen (understandably).
So now..everyone around me is treating me like a piece of shit (which I am). Amar ma Babar maan-ijjot chole gese. Ekdom chotobela thekei my parents were very ab*sive. Hearing how I was a mistake, no one would want me as a daughter, amake jama kapur chara ghor theke ber kore dibe so that men on the street could r*p* me eigula shona ashole normal chilo. Amar ma o baba je amake marche ei niye support dito, amar aro vhul tule dito and ami aro mair khetam. And when my screams would get to loud, she would go in her room and watch videos on her phone. And..amar ei result er por you can imagine how worse it is. So much that amar college shesh hole I don't wanna go home cuz bashay gelei amake udhte boshte mara hoy, Gali deya hoy, sl*t shame kora hoy.
But idk how to feel about this, my brain keeps telling me that I deserve all this. Like I did do really bad, onek gulay fail ashsilo and onekei to mair khay so why should I deserve sympathy from people about how I get ab*sed?
Bashay bolse pretest e Jodi Ekta subject eo fail ashe amake biye diye dibe, it's my biggest fear ever. Allah na koruk ta hole, I'll seriously self delete myself. I'd rather die than let my life go that way.
Chotobela thekei I was s**cid*l. Oi cycle ta abar hit korse, I keep fantasizing about doing it, akhon kichu holei I can't help but SH nahole I go insane, I can't think straight, I can't sit straight.
I don't even have any friends at college. Karo kache reach out o korte pari na. I don't even think anyone would even think of me if I self deleted myself. I wish I could get a hug now.
How do I even make a comeback for pretest? Koto students kore. Amar pretest October er shesh er dike. Can I even do anything?
Sorry for ranting so much.