"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Scott along next time?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.

"But Scott has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart on that beautiful course."

So the next day Jack tees off with Scott looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.

"Yup," says Scott.

"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.

And Scott says, "I forgot."

It's a big day for the robot family. The robot patriarch, X7-051, is hosting a dinner for his three robot sons, and all three of them are engaged to beautiful robot women. X7-051 is very excited to hear all about them.

As they sit down to their first course of oil soup with Li-ion batteries, he turns to his first son.

"So, X8-001, tell me about this robot fiancée of yours! I hear she's quite a catch!"

X8-001 replies, "yes father. She's made of stainless steel! I'm a very lucky robot man!"

X7-051 is overjoyed! "Stainless steel! That's wonderful! I can't wait until the robot wedding!"

He then turns to his middle robot son. "X8-002, tell us about your robot fiancée!"

X8-002 says, with a grin on his metallic face, "well father, I'd have to say I've got my brother beat. My robot fiancée is made of pure titanium!"

X7-051 chortles and slaps his robot knee. "Titanium! Why, that's space-age stuff! Very difficult to forge! I'm so proud of you, my boy!"

X7-051 cocks a robot eyebrow and turns to his third son, who has always been the black electric sheep of the family. "So, X8-003, tell us all about your robot fiancée!"

X8-003 stands up straight, puts his spoon down, and folds his napkin. "Father, I love my robot fiancée very much and I can't wait to robot marry her. I knew when we met you would never approve of her, but I can't help my feelings. My robot fiancée is made... of iron."

X7-051 jumps up in his seat, pounds the table and yells, "Iron?! Why, she's no better than a common ore!!"

Why can't he remember? He is there every time it happens!

"Ya know, we've been married for over 50 years. And lately I started to feel depressed so I went to see a psychologist"

"So, what did he tell you?"

The old woman continued, "He said that I should be having sex four times a week. Did you hear that, four times a week I should be having sex."

The husband looked over at her blankly,

"Sign me up for two"

I asked, “How do you know that?”

He said, “I keep a log.”

And his friend says, "It's a quarter to three."

Me: I know, that's why I ordered the family bucket. No-one gets left behind.

But their versions are just rip-offs.

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!" The confused officer says, "You were going 200 kilometres an hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk. "A cat," Schrödinger replies. The officer opens the trunk and yells, "Hey! This cat is dead." Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well, he is now!"

There were several cut outs in the sidewalk. The man would approach each cutout. He would then dig a hole, wait two or three minutes, then fill the hole.

The man thought he must be missing something so he went over to talk to the guy.

"Why are you digging a hole, waiting, then filling it back in?"

"I see why you are confused. There is usually someone else with me, but he has a day off."

"What does HE do?"

"He plants the tree"

Well, it's been going downhill for years.

She complains to him: “Darling, look, our neighbor gives his wife a kiss every day he leaves the home for work. You have never done this.”

He replies: “Why should I do this. I don't know her at all.”

One's a Goodyear, the other's a Greatyear!

Marcy raised her hand and said, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Bubba was next, and he said, "My father is an electrician. L-E-K, no wait, L-E-C, no..."

The teacher interrupted and said, "Bubba, sit and think for a while. When you think you know how to spell it, stand up and try again.

Little Johnny then stood up and said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E."

The teacher said, "Very good. And what would he do if he were here?"

And Little Johnny said, "If he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds that the redneck will never be able to spell 'electrician.'"

I wanted to make sure this was immortalised:

"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?"

"An elephant giraffe."

🤪

He cut a hole in the ice and dropped his line in, but had no luck for a really long period of time.

He saw an old guy across the way who was just reeling the fish in every few seconds and had a huge bounty of fish.

Finally, the little boy, in frustration, walks over to the old guy and says, "Listen, this is amazing. I can't catch anything, and I'm only a few feet away from you. How do you do it?"

The old guy said, "Err-a-err-err."

The boy replied, "I can't hear you."

Again the old guy said, "Err-a-err-err!"

And after a while of this exchange he finally goes, *Ptui!* "Keep your worms warm."

A Gummy Bear!

Because of the pastryarchy.

He wanted to decrypt mummies.

Guess old hobbits do die hard