16f pls be nice. There’s this feeling I have, not a feeling, but something that’s been happening I can only describe it as atrophy (not a real mental illness)
I’ve been ruining myself.
I used to love to draw. I can’t anymore. I lost the talent.
I used to love my hair. It’s falling out. Androgenic alopecia, PCOS perhaps, runs in the family.
I don’t know who even I’m writing this for. I’ve struggled with maladaptive daydreaming since I was 6 but it’s blurry. I act like I’m presenting for an audience sometimes, acting to be something.
I know my posts don’t get much upvotes and basically no comments, yet I’m writing these, imagining people digging these after my death (which I know won’t happen) and piece me out get answers for why I’m like this and feel less alone.

I feel like there’s a barrier between me and people, I don’t know how to describe the feeling. It’s like. I guess how people are usually a bit more honest and meaner when they’re woken up early and stil half asleep. When I hang out with people.. which is less and less, I feel like it’s some sort of distraction from what I really am a lonely miserable being.

My phone addiction ruined me. Completely. 5 hours 10 hours now 13-15. I can’t anymore.

In 2 weeks I have school. I have “friends” who I have ignored, a friend who just doesn’t have the same loyalty feelings as I do. I’m there in the corner of the p.e hall it’s terrible. Atleast last semester there was this girl next to me she didn’t like me she wanted to be with the popular girls but I guess she had been forcibly with me. Her mother literally convinced her to be friends with me.

I feel fucking terrible. It’s terrible. I am so goddamn lonely even when I’m with other people. And it’s gonna get bad when next semester starts it’s over for me I don’t have the energy anymore. I can barely wash myself.

I make these stupid posts again and again and I feel lonelier and lonelier because no one understands me more than I do and I don’t understand myself enough to begin with.

I just want someone to hug me and tell me that’s it’s gonna be alright, I just want to have friends and feel like I belong in a country I just want to feel like my hair is healthy I don’t want to see my scalp again I just want to have a boy who has a crush on me or something.

In case no one has told you this lately, I'm proud of you for making it this far.

I know some days must have been harder than others, and perhaps there were moments when simply getting through the day was all you could manage. But you're still here, and I hope you know how quietly beautiful that is.

You don't always have to be strong. It's okay to feel tired, to have difficult days, to fall apart a little, and to take your time putting yourself back together. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to simply exist.

I'm proud of every version of you, the happy one, the tired one, the healing one, and even the parts of you that you're still learning to love. Every version deserves gentleness.

I may not know you, and you may never know me, but I hope life becomes a little softer for you. I hope you find small reasons to smile, people who make you feel safe, and ordinary moments that remind you how lovely it is to be here.

Please don't let the world make you forget your own light. You are precious, even on the days you can't see it yourself. 🤍

I’ve been with my bf for almost 6 years. We have our super good highs and VERY VERY bad lows (which is a whole different story) but we always seem to make up and love each other again. I know he’s my forever, and from what he tells me and expresses about us, he feels the same way.

My problem is our sex life. Every time we cuddle, kiss, hug, almost any type of physical touch, i instantly get turned on. I’d honestly be down to have sex once a day, maybe more honestly. We had a talk, maybe about a year ago, about this and he said he loves me so much he just can’t keep up with me like that. He says his tip is super sensitive and i know he’s telling the truth when he says that.

But when i get turned down, i feel so down about myself. I don’t take it out on him, i just start getting these ugly thoughts in my mind. Like what if i look bad to him, or smell bad, or what if he prefers to watch porn (which I’ve expressed i don’t want him doing and apparently he doesn’t, but who truly knows), just random stuff like that.

What also makes it confusing is how he talks to his friends. He says sexual stuff but never does that to me. I know it’s just boy talk but he never talks to me like that. And he’s never seem to be shy either, but maybe deep down he is?

It all just comes down to being super sexual i guess. I can’t get off to porn, I’m not interested in anyone else but him…. I just don’t know how to suppress it.

I guess this was more of a vent than anything, but i just needed to get it out to random people. I don’t want people we know personally to know this kind of stuff…. :c

I had a huge breakthrough in therapy yesterday and after my session was over my therapist asked if she could hug me. I accepted but I said that I wasn’t much of a hugger. This was the first time in decades that I hugged someone that didn’t feel like I was obligated to do so. In fact I genuinely don’t like people touching me unless I have known them for some time.

TW self harm!! hey, i wanted to make this post because i truly dont know whats wrong with me
when i was a kid i used to attention seek so hard that i once scratched my face to the point where it bled, just so my parents could give me attention
ever since i was a kid i felt like i didnt belong here and i was different in a bad way
i feel like i either feel too much or im too empty, when i remember the days where i had friends all i realise is how much ive been pretending, ive been pretending so much i dont know who i am anymore and i cant form my own opinions without getting it from other people who sound smarter
im not a stupid person book wise i get good grades but logically i feel like im not there
i overthink too much and im really sensitive and i have moments where i go from crying so hard to feeling absolutely nothing, no happiness no saddness no tears. i think its mostly anger
i feel angry when i see myself getting too close to my family and forming healthy relationships
i love my boyfriend but i feel like im too much, maybe im like this because i lost all my friends and im not allowed to go out much so i just stay in my room all day
but i dont know i get upset over stupid jokes and i lash out so easily and i hate myself that even when im just playing a game with my bf like val if i die i feel so useless and i lash out screaming "im sorry i suck im sorry" which gets him mad because why am i yelling at him when hes just trying to help me improve
please help me idk maybe im just a bitch and i need to tough up but a little help would be nice i just wanna die

I want to start enjoying life again. I rarely watch any long form content, not because of my attention span, but bc I get bored. So all I do is scroll mindlessly.

I miss being religious and I feel like I’m being punished for straying away.

I used to go on walks and listen to music. I try to go to the gym with a friend but I cba to wake up early in the morning, and it’s so packed during the day that I get too scared.

I want to better myself and work on my mental health before I start uni but i don’t have any motivation. Why would anyone want to befriend me when I have no hobbies or passions.

Any tips on getting mental health support in the uk, I feel to embarrassed to call the gp and say I’m depressed

I’m starting medical school with many ppl who have high ambitions and here I am…

I don't really know how to write this, but I just need to get it out somewhere.

I worked so fucking hard for my 12th exams.

I genuinely gave it everything I had. I studied, revised, practiced, worried about my marks constantly, sacrificed things I wanted to do, and kept pushing myself because I really believed I could get 90+.

And I actually knew the syllabus.

The reason I got 88% wasn't because I didn't know the answers. I left around 20 marks worth of questions unattempted because I ran out of time.

And I know that's my mistake. I'm not trying to pretend it wasn't. I should have managed my time better.

But the thing that still hurts me is that I feel like everyone only saw the 88%.

They saw the 2% I was missing from 90.

They didn't see all the fucking work that went into getting that 88%.

I think what I wanted more than anything was just for someone in my family to look at me and say, "I know how hard you worked. I'm proud of you. You did enough."

Instead, I heard things that made it feel like 88% wasn't that much.

And maybe to some people 88% isn't extraordinary. Maybe some people would look at it and say, "You could have gotten 90." I know that.

But I know what it took for me to get that score.

I know how much I studied.

I know how badly I wanted it.

I know how devastated I was when I realized I had lost those marks because of time and not because I didn't know the material.

And I think I'm still grieving that.

Last night everyone was asleep. There were literally no lights on. I was sitting there crying in complete darkness and writing in my journal because I didn't know what else to do.

I wasn't writing for anyone to see it. I wasn't trying to be dramatic. I just needed somewhere to put everything I was feeling.

And I kept coming back to the same thought:

"I worked so hard. Why couldn't anyone just see that?"

I don't even think I need someone to tell me that I was perfect or that I didn't make mistakes. I know I made a mistake with time management.

I just wanted someone to acknowledge the effort.

I wanted to feel like my work mattered even though the final number wasn't what I wanted.

And honestly, I think that's why this still hurts me so much.

I wanted my family to be proud of me.

I wanted to hear "you did enough."

Instead, I felt like I was being measured against the 2% I didn't get.

I'm crying while writing this because I think I've been holding onto this for a long time.

I don't really know what I'm asking for by posting this. Maybe I just want someone to understand why 88% can hurt so much when you know how hard you worked for it.

I just wanted to be seen.

What i do to get a boyfriend that really loves me ? Because im tired of feeling lonely and I want some love.

In 2018, I ended a 7 year relationship and I haven't been the same since. I cried for months on end, it got so bad that I had to quit my job and move back home.

Recently, I had a relationship end because of my depression. I'm taking Lamictal, Adderall (ADHD), Latuda, Buspirone, and Ambien. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 earlier this year, so that makes sense. I'm just tired of feeling this way, has anyone ever successfully gotten themselves out of a rut? I'm really struggling here, afraid my issues won't ever be fixed.

I'm reaching out to see if there are any suggestions for hobbies, therapy, or treatments that I may not have thought of. I'm just trying to fix my life, and this depression crap isn't helping.

If you can think of anything, it would be appreciated!

Joe

i am a normal person and have empathy for most animals and all people. i think horses, birds and cows are really cute. but mainly baby deer, rabbits, guinea pigs, those three mainly i really enjoy the thought of killing them with my bare hands. i dont like gore necessarily so no weapons. obviously i know the thought is objectively wrong and i dont feel guilty at all about the idea but i dont wanna go down this path just for my sake anyway. i have seen a video of a kitten being killed by a person with gloves and although i expected myself to feel bad it was just satisfying

im not gonna act on these thoughts nor am i in the position to be able to due to my location as well as age but i want some advice on how to stop these thoughts without going to any mental health place, just like some good mental exercises. Any advice?

This is my first time ever posting on reddit so I'm sorry if I do this wrong (I got influenced because I keep seeing reddit stories about people getting help, and I wonder if I could maybe get that too?)

For background; I am an 18yo female, eldest daughter out of 3. I'll keep this as short as possible because it's currently late into the night (one problem that I have is being awake in ungodly hours) and because I'm not used to telling anybody what I actually feel, much more to strangers.

I don't know when it has started, but ever since I was 14 I realized I didn't know what to do with my life. Ever since then I just sort of started living off the same routine-- wake up, go to school, go to sleep and all over again but now that college is in a few days I'm starting to wonder and just worry about everything.

For the last 2 years of my life I have felt nothing as strong as emptiness and a pit in the bottom of my stomach that I'm just not worth anything at all and just envy for the others that have a purpose with their life. I'm raised in a rational household, and emotions aren't acknowledged the way I wish it was but I can't blame anyone for this generational behavior. In retrospect, I have done nothing throughout the 5 month summer break after senior year and I feel useless for it and now that I have 3 days left the exhaustion is already creeping up on me.

I haven't got any motivation whatsoever, I feel like a bum of an individual who just gets up eats does a bit of chores and goes right back to sleep. I feel as if I'm just a corpse most of the time. I could sleep the entire day if only I could but I don't have my own room to do so nor do I live in a household that permits me to do just that. I've thought about reaching out so many times to my friends but it's too much vulnerability and I wouldn't want to just dump the dead weight on the people I care about. I thought about therapy, but there is no way I can afford them so of course I reach my breaking point and go to an anonymous forum to ask strangers if there was something wrong with me. I know this could be crass, but I've been feeling nothing for so long and this has been a concern of mine. I don't wish to look like I'm begging for attention but a big part of me really wants help. any feedback is appreciated, and I hope anyone who sees this has a great day:)

I feel like life is too much for me.

3 years ago i decided to join the gym. It was the best decision of my life i loved it so much i loved pushing my limits i loved training hard. Yet now i hate everything about my life. I don't remember when exactly this had started but i feel weak ALL the time

I would say iam not weak when it comes to my weights and excercises i lift great shit yet somehow i feel weak as fuck theres just pain all over

I feel nothing but pain i don't have the energy to do anything in my day studying, praying every damn thing. I had injured myself a couple times my lower back once and iam doin physical therapy on my elbows and shoulders right now and i feel like shit my elbows aren't getting better and my life is nothing but a series of shit events that keep happening over and over. I mean why can i just train like every other guy out there why does it have to be me the one who get injured like fuck i cant even do the ONLY thing i love. And about being weak i checked my vitamins and shi and its all good i got no excuse now to be weak

So what iam asking about could this feeling be mental and not physical like i always thought?

Iam 17 and i have only 1 friend i train with him hes a great guy and all, but i don't know why i want to cut my connection with everybody i already did with my online friends i don't hate them but i want to isolate myself

I have no purpose in my life

Iam very very lost i don't know what to do and i don't want to work from 9 to 5 till i die and not live a good life

so i've been feeling weird for the past... honestly idk how long. a few weeks maybe? maybe more. i don't want to call it depression because that feels like a big word and i don't want to undermine people who actually suffer from chronic depression and i don't want to pretend like i know what i'm dealing with when i don't. but i'm just really not okay lately i guess

which is annoying because nothing is actually wrong. my health is fine, my family is loving and supportive and i have great friends. i'm in the middle of switching jobs but that's actually an upgrade so it can't be that. i keep thinking there has to be some reason i feel like this but i can't find one

i'll be sitting with my family and laughing at something and then randomly think "why am i laughing?" it feels fake sometimes. not fake because i don't love them or anything just... like i'm laughing because i'm supposed to, not because i actually want to. does that even make sense? idk

i've also pretty much stopped talking to my friends and keep telling them i'm just being antisocial for a while. they keep checking on me though which honestly makes me feel guilty because they're being so nice and i don't know what to tell them

and i'm not even really sad. that's the weird part. i just feel nothing. i'm basically numb. like my brain is switched on but everything else is muted. except fear/anxiety but even that is shortlived. like i'll randomly get really scared or anxious about absolutely nothing and then five minutes later i'm back to feeling nothing 

today was probably the weirdest day so far. i was having a terrible day for no particular reason and at some point i got this really strong urge to chop my hair off. mean i suddenly wanted it GONE.

my hair was down to my butt and i've always had it long so this was completely out of nowhere. i just grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting. it's shoulder length now. and i'm usually not an impulsive person so this was new for me.

and honestly? it felt good. like i've seen that stupid movie scene where someone cuts their hair after having some kind of breakdown and thought it was so dramatic every single time. apparently i owe those movies an apology because i completely understood it in that moment. there was this weird sense of relief like okay at least i can change something. even tho i absolutely butchered the haircut and my hairdresser is probably going to be pissed at me lol

my parents obviously freaked out a little because well, i'm indian and i live with them and suddenly seeing me cutting my hair at home out of nowhere is probably not the most normal visual lol. i managed to bullshit my way out of it mostly. but i feel like my brother didn't buy it tho

anyway. now that a few hours have passed that "good" feeling is gone and i'm just back to feeling numb again

and tbh don't even know why i'm writing this. i guess i just wanted to vent somewhere without having to explain it to someone who actually knows me. because what am i supposed to say? "hey nothing is wrong but i feel wrong"? i don't even understand it myself

it's past 3:30 am and i couldn't sleep but i'm also exhausted so i'm probably going to regret posting this tomorrow lol

anyway. if anyone actually read all of this thanks. hope your day/night is going better than mine

Recently, I’ve been considering seeing a psychiatrist because I am struggling with an overwhelming, persistent fear that I will die in a random murder or a terror attack.

BACKGROUND
I am 19 years old. Many years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I’ve always been shy and nervous, but my anxiety began showing up very early. I used to cry before kindergarten, and from ages 6 to 15, I threw up almost every single day before school due to extreme anxiety. My symptoms weren't really taken seriously until I was about 11 or 12, around the time I received my official diagnosis.

About four years ago, I started taking antidepressants for my anxiety and depression. They worked really well for about two years. During the third year, my psychiatrist suggested tapering off because I had made so much progress. Hearing that made me cry because I was terrified of relapsing. I tried coming off the medication anyway, but without it, I became extremely irritable and angry at the slightest things. I quickly restarted them, but it left me feeling stuck, like a never ending cycle where I would depend on them forever. After reading more about antidepressants, I eventually made the decision to stop taking them entirely about a year ago.

Since stopping, my fears have escalated, and I now severely restrict my daily life because I am almost fully convinced someone is going to kill me whenever I go out.

Examples of what I experience:

1. Trains: I avoid trains because I worry the driver will intentionally crash into another train as a terrorist act.
2. Buses: I must sit in the front with no seats behind me so no one can approach from behind to stab me. I also monitor the driver’s speed in case I need to escape.
3. Public spaces: In enclosed areas like buses or trains, I often hyper-fixate on strangers and convince myself they are about to pull out a gun.
4. Cinemas: I can’t enjoy movies because I’m constantly worried someone will come through the doors and open fire. I always book seats next to the emergency exit and constantly map out escape routes.
5. Walking at night: I feel convinced someone is waiting in the bushes to attack me. I frequently misinterpret the sound of my own footsteps as someone following me.
6. Flying: I avoid airplanes out of fear that the pilot will deliberately crash the plane.
7. Big crowds: I avoid big crowds out of fear that someone will drop a bomb on everyone.

These are just a few examples of how these beliefs/fears are restricting my life.

Question: Does this sound like a severe form of anxiety, or could it be a form of paranoia that warrants a new psychiatric evaluation? I don't know much about paranoia, but it feels like it has gone beyond typical worries.

After all those years of struggling with loneliness and depression, I realized that no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to find someone to share my life with. I can’t find a friend with whom to make memories, or someone to help me when I feel lost. This situation has pushed me time and again to do things I couldn’t take back. But I’ve managed to stay away from that every time. Finally, after all these years, I no longer feel the need to be loved. I no longer feel the longing for a friend. I don’t even feel loneliness anymore. It’s as if I’ve set myself free. This world is so vast. What difference would it make if I died alone at the end of a solitary life?

I don't know what it is exactly.

I can't really put my finger on it, but it's there.

Lingering or something i guess.

Whenever I spend time with somebody, when I build a connection.

If I ever show them the side of me that's real.

I get pushed back in and have to joke around again.

Because no one likes reality, they all just like being distracted from the same ending we will all be getting. Yet I feel weird.

I don't know who I am. I can't remember the first 13 years of my life for the life of me, people tell me of memories I make up in order to recall.

I feel so weird.

I was never one to be spiritual, be it religion or astrology or spells or stuff.

But that hate for my true self everybody feels, including me.

It can't be real.

It made me question for the first time ever truly, if I was cursed in a past life.

What have I done to be so truly unlikable?

I wonder.

If I ever show the real me, and someone could end up not despising me.

Tldr; yap yap yap, I hate myself. Thank you for listening:)

I just learned that my boyfriend was planning to break up with me in November after my graduation. He’s been awesome and I wonder why he decided that. So he started acting up being too busy and making it seem like asking for his attention is a big deal. I then started questioning why that is and he said that he had lost interest. He said he wasn’t planning to say it now but in November after my graduation. I am beyond hurt. I’ve been having family issues for a while and he made me feel so seen and heard. I am not close with anyone but him and he decided to deliver the last blow💔 my soul is soo heavy and I can’t even sleep. 5years? And someone wakes up one day and decides they lost interest?💔 I asked him if he thinks the feeling is temporary and he said no!🥲

I don’t know what to do, i don’t wanna keep walking up, my memory is so bad i don’t even remember what I’ve talked about today or eaten yesterday, i can’t concenrate in anything. I just wanna jvmp off the window,maybe for attention so somebody takes me seriously? Or maybe u really wanna go