r/nottheonion • u/novagridd • 6h ago

Thailand's Prostitution Patrol on High Alert as 5,000 US Sailors Drop Ship After 200 Days at Sea

https://www.fashiontimes.co.uk/pattaya-police-intensify-prostitution-patrols-us-navy-visit-1763395
18.1k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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6.4k

u/DeepHerting 6h ago

VD-Day

2.9k

u/Sir_Ruje 6h ago

Saving Ryan's privates

1.3k

u/itchybuttholejuice 6h ago

Black Hog Down

637

u/Attilat 5h ago

The Hurt Log

580

u/fivebillionproud 5h ago

Full Latex Jacket

349

u/mukavastinumb 5h ago

Hepatitis Now! Redux

169

u/iseymourbuttson 4h ago

Dunkock

76

u/Oz347 2h ago

Band of Boners

•

u/Grimnebulin68 7m ago

Alien: Pendulous

87

u/robotsdottxt 3h ago

Inglourious Bastards.

17

u/doubleapowpow 1h ago

Ramboner

3

u/EatABag-o-Dicks 1h ago

Boner on the 4th Thai.

3

u/DryerCoinJay 3h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/Colon_Oscopy_74 3h ago

Hot Shots, Part: Ménage à Trois

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4

u/Fauster 1h ago

Behind Panty Lines

•

u/Connect-Cabinet-5073 28m ago

The thick red spot

111

u/Zinfan1 5h ago

Trickle down economics

122

u/SirPiffingsthwaite 5h ago

Not Quiet on the Eastern Front

38

u/darthmase 3h ago

Shags of Our Fathers

•

u/sir_lister 53m ago

S * M * A * S * H

68

u/Fyrrys 4h ago

A River Runs Through It

26

u/alektorophobic 3h ago

Black Hawk still up

3

u/Saf3ty1nnumb3rs 2h ago

Black Hawk (Goes) Down

4

u/TM761152 4h ago

Band of Bothered.

2

u/mjgstyle 3h ago

Band of Broutherhood!

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1

u/Sufficient-Bid1279 3h ago

Trickle up economics.

21

u/SoylentGrunt 5h ago

More river. More bunnies.

63

u/hillside 5h ago

The Rear Hunter

58

u/Emillennium_Falcon 5h ago

In Diana Jones.

1

u/SoylentGrunt 3h ago

Bareback Mountain

1

u/SelectiveSanity 4h ago

Battle of the Bulge.

1

u/DieBotDie 2h ago

Acockalypse Now! was right there.

1

u/OttawaTGirl 5h ago

The Backhardagains.

20

u/shokolokobangoshey 4h ago

The Bone Survivor

1

u/Sharrba 4h ago

This is the one 🤣

1

u/multiarmform 2h ago

a thin rubber line

27

u/Beautiful_Pen1056 4h ago

The Spurt Locker

100

u/potatopierogie 5h ago

Or the hurt cock 'er

69

u/Thoughtulism 5h ago

Schindler's Syph

99

u/Tiny-Trump 5h ago

Done in 60 Seconds

29

u/Andovars_Ghost 5h ago

60 seconds!? What is this, a marathon?

1

u/Asatas 3h ago

It's a movie, you gotta suspend belief!

1

u/Josey_whalez 4h ago

So time to cuddle afterwards?

1

u/fordfan919 3h ago

Jarmeds

1

u/euanmorse 3h ago

Too beaucoup

1

u/blueponies1 1h ago

We Were Sailors (cuz they’re in jail now)

42

u/_BLACK_BY_NAME_ 5h ago

I swear this was an actual well produced skit back in the early 2000’s, with tons of dismembered dildos. I think I saw it on newgrounds or something. If anyone can find it, I’d love to see just to know I’m not crazy

21

u/jackalope134 5h ago

It was done by MAD TV if I'm remembering correctly

13

u/rafaelloaa 5h ago

Oh wow, that is quite... Something (moderately NSFW, nothing actually explicit, but good luck explaining that to your boss).

1

u/_BLACK_BY_NAME_ 5h ago

Nah this isn’t it, appreciate the effort though. This had a lot of dildos that were designed to look like they were blown off someone. Soldiers were digging through them trying to find “Ryan’s privates”. It was actually pretty seriously written and was kind of gory… it was going through everyone’s emails in Iraq back around 2007, same as “hey there vagina” which was a spin off of “hey there Delilah” that was just porn clips. Good times.

1

u/just_posting_this_ch 2h ago

How does one, uh, "dismember a dildo"?

2

u/_BLACK_BY_NAME_ 1h ago

They had fleshy thugs hanging off them like they were blown off, it was wild

21

u/MuchoGrande 4h ago

Shaving Ryan's Privates

1

u/TM761152 4h ago

More crabs than an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet

2

u/wowaddict71 3h ago

You made my dyslexic brain hurt 🤕😂🤣

1

u/OfTheSevenSeasSir 5h ago

more like destroying them

1

u/Illustrious_Cry1028 4h ago

Shaving Ryan's Privates

1

u/steelheaddan 3h ago

Two and a half men?

1

u/cbflowers 3h ago

This was actually a real title to a porn shortly after the movie came out

1

u/panterachallenger 3h ago

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Ballplay

1

u/WolfAndOak 3h ago

*Shaving

1

u/KamikazeSting 2h ago

A-pox-on-lips Now

1

u/moobybooby 1h ago

Fuck that made me laugh too hard in a meeting and now I’m in trouble.

2

u/-Harlequin- 5h ago

Madame Nut-n'-Bye

0

u/Emillennium_Falcon 5h ago

Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

171

u/Lopsided-Anteater129 6h ago

Use a condom for all sexual acts and you're good. Check for herpes outbreaks. I hope the crayon eaters had a basic sex ed course and know how babby is formed.

88

u/Hartstockz 5h ago

Pahh condom???? Just use doxy pep and get a vasectomy.

34

u/gannon585 5h ago

this guy fucks

1

u/Hartstockz 5h ago

Damn right

1

u/Gloomy_Setting5936 5h ago

Oh yeah baby!

8

u/Jiminy_Cricket12 3h ago

won't work against viral stds like herpes or hpv

•

u/ChornWork2 37m ago

condom improves stich, but still meaningful risk from skin-to-skin contact beyond the condom.

-6

u/Hartstockz 2h ago

Almost 80% of the population has herpes and is no big deal. Ima be real herpes shouldn't be considered an std as it's not transmitted by sexual fluids. A single dose of the HPV vaccine is 98% effective.

7

u/Jiminy_Cricket12 2h ago

herpes shouldn't be considered an std

that's definitely a hot take lol

-1

u/Hartstockz 1h ago

Most people get herpes from family members kissing them as children..... It's also not transmitted by sexual fluids. You can get COVID from having sex with someone who has COVID but we ant calling that a std or sti

•

u/Jiminy_Cricket12 47m ago

Most people get herpes from family members kissing them as children

I'm going to need a source for "most". "Many", yes. This is the first I've heard someone claim "most". Regardless, it's still an STD.

1

u/TrulyOutrageous42 2h ago

Conflating cold sores and chicken pox prevalence as a statistic as if it was genital herpes is wild. WTF

0

u/Hartstockz 1h ago

Cold sores is herpes fucknuts.

•

u/ChornWork2 30m ago edited 1m ago

"cold sores" is primarily caused by HSV1, a herpes virus, which used to be considered oral herpes before oral sex was common place. Now it causes as many or more genital infections as HSV2. the resulting infection tends to have much less risk of severe symptoms, but hey.

prevalence rates for HSV2 aren't high where you're young, but they're reasonably high when you start looking at people who have been sexually active with more than a handful of partners (particularly in the case of women).

•

u/Distinct_Cap_1418 52m ago

Hotdog encased in resin

5

u/El_Grosero_5150 3h ago

Lol, dexy pep doesn't cover herpes.

1

u/MiI0rd 4h ago

Sounds supper painful, and doesn’t it remove the pleasure? Assuming you had one, genuinely curious

3

u/Severe-Security-1365 4h ago

No loss of sensation or pleasure. Appointment was quick and easy, heals within days to a week. Getting kicked square in the balls hurts worse than a vasectomy. Complications can happen, like any body modification, but it is rare. No drop in libido, etc., it's literally just normal life with sperm vs normal life without.

1

u/Rikudou_Sage 3h ago

Nothing changes, your ejaculate just does not contain sperm anymore.

1

u/BurnoutJoeB 2h ago

Doxy pep isnt saving you from whats in Thailand. 😂

0

u/Hartstockz 1h ago

This just feels like rascism

3

u/BurnoutJoeB 1h ago

Unfortunately its called experience. 😂

2

u/Hartstockz 1h ago

Damn, rippin repperonis

8

u/J-L-Picard 5h ago

Full Latex Jacket

2

u/MTechnik 5h ago

this is how the ship gets crabs.

2

u/Koshindan 4h ago

They ran out onboard after 200 days at sea.

63

u/NewToHTX 6h ago

Military-Grade VD.

26

u/Aggressive-Cut-5400 6h ago

So the worst kind

4

u/KateTheTurk 5h ago

Some Indones....some Thailand-ese junk thats going around.

1

u/minimalcation 4h ago

A-lot-of-dicks Down

40

u/thursday4351 5h ago

Pearl Necklace Harbor

3

u/llegacy 4h ago

Pearl's Harbor

12

u/lolwlol 6h ago

Gotta catch em all like they’re Pokémon.

1

u/MiI0rd 4h ago

That’s the one game of Pokemon I’ll skip

5

u/StoKi_NG 3h ago

STD-Day

2

u/JohnCenaJunior 4h ago

No Condom for Sailor Men

2

u/steelheaddan 3h ago

The need for SpeeVD - Thai drift

2

u/DiggWuzBetter 3h ago

Black Cock Up

2

u/Doomdoomkittydoom 3h ago

The Big Red One.

1

u/Kingkwon83 5h ago

Getting discharged can be a Major Payne

1

u/[deleted] 4h ago

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1

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1

u/RobertABooey 4h ago

The amount of semen, I mean sea-men is going to explode exponentially!

1

u/shiroplayer1 3h ago

Time for Lincoln Logs

1

u/ciaomain 3h ago

So MUCH seamen.

1

u/Rellint 2h ago

What they really mean is that sailors should bring enough to pay their escort and the cops.

1

u/Thanes_of_Danes 2h ago

You joke, but there will likely be a wave of attempted sexual assaults.

1

u/vslvgv 2h ago

Hoes at the gate

1

u/StateofMike 1h ago

Pacific Rimjob

1

u/thotd2 1h ago

Vag-Destruction Day?

1

u/N620JH 1h ago

Ramblow

1

u/N620JH 1h ago

Shagopolypse Now

•

u/YaaaaYeetYaaaa 19m ago

A Breach Too Far

0

u/lostroadrunner22 5h ago

We shall go on to the end, we shall fuck in Thailand, we shall Fuck on the seas and oceans, we shall Fuck with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall fuck on our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender ... until we cum.