Ten months. It feels both like a lifetime and like no time has passed at all since the day the ground disappeared beneath my feet. If you had told me a year ago that this is where I’d be, navigating the hollow, quiet reality of a "roommates" existence with the person I built my life around, I would have called you insane. But here we are.

August just came and went. What should have been a milestone, our fifteenth wedding anniversary, was instead a surreal monument to a distorted reality. Nineteen years of shared history, completely recontextualized. That has been the hardest, most brutal lesson of these past ten months: realizing that the memories you hold sacred might belong to a timeline that only ever existed in your own head. When I went back and unearthed those hidden messages dating all the way back to 2009, the most painful part wasn't just discovering more betrayal. It was the retroactive erasure of my reality. You realize you haven't just lost the present you thought you were living or the future you thought you were building. Somehow, they reached backward and took pieces of your past too.

There is something uniquely cruel about looking at a memory you once treasured and realizing it was only innocent because you didn't know enough yet. Pictures change. Vacations change. Arguments change. Anniversaries change. Even my wedding changes in the most savage and brutal way. You start looking at your own history like evidence from a crime scene, wondering what was happening just outside the frame while you were smiling for the picture. I remembered my life one way. The evidence remembered it differently.

I spent the early months trying to write my way out of the madness. I poured it all into writing, documenting the fallout partly because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't losing my mind. Writing was survival. It was taking inventory of the wreckage and pinning reality to the page somewhere it couldn't suddenly change again. But eventually I learned that you don't survive this just by analyzing the damage. At some point, you actually have to live inside the life that's left.

Oddly enough, I've learned that survival happens in incredibly ordinary moments. Setting up vintage video games in the living room and listening to my kids laugh. Bouncing on the trampoline with my son and daughters and feeling gravity pull me back down every single time. Listening to them argue about something completely ridiculous. Being Dad. Betrayal constantly drags me backward, 2009, D-Day, timelines, lies, conversations, "what else don't I know?" My kids drag me back into today. They are the gravity that keeps me tethered to the earth when everything else still occasionally feels like freefall.

So what have I actually learned ten months in? I've learned that living beside someone who was once the safest person in your world and now sometimes feels like a stranger requires a level of disconnect I didn't know I possessed. I've learned that love doesn't automatically restore respect, remorse doesn't automatically restore safety, and change does not obligate the person who was betrayed to stay long enough to benefit from it.

I've also learned that the anticipation of a hard choice can sometimes be worse than the choice itself. The divorce is set for October 28th, it used to sit in the distance like an execution date. I was terrified that eventually I would have to decide whether I could bear to lose my marriage. Now, as it gets closer, I feel something I didn't expect.

Clarity.

Because somewhere during these ten months I realized that I am no longer deciding whether to save the marriage I had. That marriage is already gone. I couldn't save it because I didn't even know it was being dismantled.

The question now is whether something entirely different can be built from what remains, and, just as importantly, whether I still want to build it with the person standing across from me.

That second question has probably been the biggest change in me.

At the beginning I was terrified she might not change enough for me to stay. Now I understand that she could change tremendously and I may still decide to leave. Someone becoming a better person does not undo what happened. Remorse doesn't purchase another marriage. Doing the work does not guarantee reconciliation. Sometimes people finally become capable of giving you what you needed only after destroying the part of you that wanted it from them.

Sometimes change comes too late, sometimes just in time.

That isn't revenge. It isn't punishment. It's simply consequence.

Ten months ago I was desperately trying to figure out how to get my life back. I don't want that life back anymore. That life contained truths I wasn't allowed to know, choices I wasn't allowed to participate in, and memories whose meaning depended on my ignorance.

What I want now is a life that is actually mine.

I don't know yet exactly what that life looks like. I don't know who will ultimately be standing beside me in it. But I know something now that I absolutely did not know ten months ago:

I can survive either answer. The ground disappeared beneath me ten months ago.

For a long time I thought healing meant somehow finding that old ground again.

I'm finally beginning to understand that I don't need it.

I can build somewhere else.

I’ll try to keep this as brief as I can, but there’s a lot of context that is required to understand my situation. I (33M) have been with my wife (33F) for 14 years. We have 3 kids; 13, 9, 7. We got together and pregnant very quickly but decided we were going to just go full speed ahead and have a family.

We both come from traumatic pasts (her significantly more than mine). She does have narcissistic tendencies, but can also sometimes show true selflessness. She’s always made the kids first priority and so have I. She has also struggled a lot with depression, but would never go to therapy to address the things that happened to her as a child. All that said, we get along great, and I can truly say nobody knows and understands me like she does, and the same is true the other way around.

Things were always a roller coaster, having gotten together so young (19) and never having really gotten to know each others strengths and flaws before starting a family. The dynamic was always that I was somewhat emotionally unavailable until there was a problem, while she was emotionally unavailable when there WAS a problem, especially if the problem was being addressed from my end. When our 2nd was born, she was diagnosed with a rare condition that required a lot of medical attention. I made significantly more money than her, and had the ability to make more, and worked across town, so we agreed that she would handle the care while working, and I’d bust ass to try to make enough money so she could quit her job. This was a rough time in our marriage and there were times where each of us suspected the other of having inappropriate relationships at work. We were both right, but it was always just flirting, maybe a tad bit of emotional cheating (confiding feelings and our home life in another, rather than talking to each other). She was very controlling and never wanted me to go get beers with work friends or really do much of anything other than go to work and come home. And she was always trying to check my phone/texts to prove I was cheating, but there was never anything so she would reach and make assumptions. But eventually I did make enough and she became a stay at home mom. Soon after, we bought our first house at 24 years old, and things were good for a while.

In 2020 during COVID, things got weird. I started getting extreme anxiety and we both started drinking a good bit more than we had previously. One night, her best friend and her husband and child came over to hang out and let the kids play. The kids ended up passing out so we started drinking more and it was decided they would just stay in our guest bedroom. I ended up going to sleep before everyone else and was woken up by my wife, who was very drunk, telling me she fucked up and made out with the husband. She said she was just really drunk and he was pissed at his wife about something she had said, and he decided to make a move on my wife to get back at her, and my wife was too drunk to stop it.

The friend texted me the next morning letting me know that what had actually happened that she caught them, and that it was mutual and that my wife had not been honest with me, and that there WAS an affair with somebody at her work that I had been somewhat suspicious of, as well as some other times where she had made out with a guy. I confronted my wife about this and she denied it all. She said that the (former) best friend was just angry and wanting to destroy our marriage to get revenge. She knew that I had suspicions about that guy, so that’s what she chose to go after. After weeks of back and forth, I finally made the decision to trust my wife.

Soon after, we moved to Colorado. Things have been overall good since then, but I’ve consistently come back to that night and what I was told, feeling uneasy about the whole thing. And she has consistently denied it all. Always being apologetic for what she was caught doing, but denying the rest of it. A couple months ago, I finally landed on some information, by chance, that proved that the affair most likely happened. I grilled her on it and she still denied. I had enough information and was convinced enough that I told her I’d find the guys contact info, as well as his wife’s and ask them. She said go ahead. But the next morning, she woke me up and told me that it was true. She slept with him one time. I was in shock and just left for work, but circled back with her friend who I hadn’t spoken to in years. She asserted that I still wasn’t being told everything. That it happened several times and there were other guys that she at least made out with. At this point, I confronted her again and told her that if she doesn’t tell me everything, and if I find out anything from anybody else, that I’d tell the kids all of it once they come of age. After this, the truth started trickling out little by little over the following week or so.

The full story, that I’m aware of now, is that she did sleep with her coworker at least 7/8 times. She also made out with at least one other guy at that time, and she lied about it for 8 years, despite numerous opportunities to reveal the truth. All this in addition to also making out with her best friends husband, which she still insists was him making a move on her and her friend just walking out at the right time. Unlikely in my opinion. She says that she snapped out of it at that time and realized she didn’t want to be that person and didn’t want to put our family at risk. She swears that all she wants is for me to know all of the truth now, and to let me decide what to do next, even if that means leaving her. We are both in individual counseling as well as couples. All I have promised long term is that I will continue to try to get through it. She says that she will accept whatever I decide and promises to continue working on herself even if I do decide to leave. She says she knows that what she did was horrible and unforgivable and really just wants to learn how to be fully good person. And she says that whatever I do to try to heal, whether that meaning sex with someone else or whatever else, she will still stick by me and never betray me like that again. To add to all this, in the immediate emotional aftermath, we had sex a lot, and she’s not pregnant.

Obviously, I don’t trust anything she says st this point, but I do see what I believe to be true remorse, which I’ve rarely seen from her before. I have no evidence that would make me think that anything has happened since, but I don’t know. She says she just wants to give me the whole truth and let me decide how I want to move on with my life, but for all I know that could be another manipulation. I do love her, and I have seen change over the years from her quick to anger impulses and lack of emotional availability that existed in the beginning. I want to believe that she is a better person than she used to be and has the resolve to continue to push in that direction. But how can I know? I have literally never felt even close to this type of pain in my life, despite my own mother abandoning me and leaving me homeless at 17. I don’t know what to do here.

I love my children with all my heart, and I have always been fully committed to providing them a healthy nuclear family. I’m also happy about the new addition, but obviously those feelings are complicated, as the pregnancy is wrapped up in everything else. I have never been so full of rage and grief in my life. There are times where I feel that I absolutely hate her. Despite the increase in our intimacy in the first few weeks, my sex drive is all but gone completely and has been for the last 4-5 weeks. I don’t want to feel this anger, but then when I have a period of time, whether it be hours or a day or 2, where I’m in a decent spot and I’m kind to her, I get mad at myself and start the tailspin again.

I’m sorry for the long post, and I’d really appreciate any guidance from those with experience. Please refrain from comments talking about my wife being sexually active with another man. This makes the intrusive thoughts/images return and it is incredibly painful. And for those of you whose advice might be to just leave, I’m aware if that option and all the rationale to justify it. I’m trying to find a way to save my marriage from my rage. Thank you all in advanc.

Ive been suspicious of my wife for months now. Too many little coincidences coalescing. Too many reasons to be out of town overnight.

It came in waves; things have been so good between us lately, I almost willed myself to not think about it. It's not as though the suspicion would ever go away, but sometimes it just went into the background. There were times, even, when I asked myself, if she was having an affair, would that really be so bad? She was lighter, happier... if an affair was helping her, would it really be so bad?

But it kept nagging at me. Yesterday I woke up full of anxiety, and I knew that it was the night we needed to talk about it. We did our normal Sunday activities, things that are a really cherished part of my week, and then we got toward the end of it, and the time came, and I ripped the bandaid off. I phrased it as a hypothetical, "if either of us were seeing someone outside our relationship, is that something we'd want to talk about, or something we'd prefer to keep private?" She said she'd want to talk about it, and asked me if I was. I told her I wasn't referring to me. The look on her face confirmed everything, but she still tried to hedge. She asked me what I knew, I told her to assume I knew everything.

"We made out a few times..."

I don't believe you.

"We fooled around a little bit..."

I don't believe you.

"You're right. I'm being a coward. We had sex."

How many times?

"... 3."

I know the guy she stepped out with. Some beady-eyed, patchy-bearded, dimwit fucking loser who she knew from high school. Someone she's maintained an off and on friendship with for the last 20 years or so. She says he made her feel desired and that essentially he was nothing more to her than a dopamine hit. Im genuinely disgusted. I thought she was better than that.

Im just so fucking lost right now. We've been together for 15 years. Our whole lives are intertwined. I'm almost 40, and ending this will mean I'm essentially starting over from scratch. Im sure so many of you have been here before but she was *my person*. I trusted her. I loved her more than anything in the world. I can't even look at her right now. I'm unmoored and part of me is sitting here feeling bad for making HER feel bad for what she did. I loved her that fucking much.

Im spiraling. I need help. Just words of support, please. Advice. Whatever. I don't have anyone to talk to and I need this.

what the AP and my husband had in common? I find myself wondering how the affair began and a question I posed to him was “what did you two have in common?”. He of course did not answer me, which makes me wonder further, is he continuing to pine for this person or is he just tired of the conversation? He’s went NC with her since I found out (but only after he contacted her twice after and met up once for “closure”) and he’s of the mind that he’s okay since he’s went NC. He feels that he’s “healed” and that I’m the one who needs help with this. He’s a master at stonewalling and avoiding the hard talks. I feel that he doesn’t want to look in the mirror and face what he’s done.
He is going to marriage counseling with me with someone who specializes in this field and I feel that’s huge, coming from someone who absolutely refused prior to this. I can’t help but wonder though, is this just to salvage the marriage and what we’ve put into it (financially and 2 kids under 10) or is he really wanting to work on our marriage, work on us?

Is that question too much to ask? DDay for me was this past May, so not too long ago. Should I approach him in an appropriate way again to ask about what they had in common? Am I beating a dead horse? Our therapist has advised him of how it seems when he brushes over my feelings and how it’s almost as if he stabbed me and then walked away and said get over it without addressing the wounds that he caused.

So I’m just wondering if it’s out of line to ask this question that’s been bothering me again.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years.

A few months ago I found out she had feelings for someone else. This would've been an inappropriate relationship even if she had been single (think along the lines of a professional boundary being crossed). My wife held a position of authority over this other person.

She came home crying the night that the "AP" [Not an AP at the time, though they did spend an inappropriate amount of time together] broke off their professional relationship. She told me she realized her feelings a few weeks before; she'd met with another friend in her field for advice and she believed confronting her feelings head-on would help the "AP" in the long run so they could move past it and focus on the professional aspect.

Over the next two months, she would bring up this "AP" and lament that they couldn't be friends. I told her in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't be OK-- I didn't feel comfortable and I knew professionally it was unwise.

I found out last week that my wife had been aggressively pursuing the AP via an emotional affair for a month following D-day. There is an enormous amount of communication between the two of them-- mostly my wife sounding like an obsessive stalker. My wife shared the communication with me when I asked. She did not share her journal, but I read that too. In it, she said she would be bored to return to our relationship as it was.

There is a good chance that my wife may have been experiencing a postpartum/post weaning hypomanic episode. However, I don't believe this excuses the affair-- it just explains the intensity / 180 degree switch in what we both agree was a happy marriage.

Everyone said we were so alike. Friends still say we are so compatible and they hope we can work it out. We have a toddler. We were planning/hoping to have another baby in the next few months, and we'd already talked to the bank and were looking at larger houses and/or upgrading to a minivan.

I still love her so much, though I haven't felt *in love* for over a year and have had a very low libido most of our marriage. It's heartbreaking to imagine leaving. I especially dread seeing my kid less and the significant financial burden it would be if I left. I am the primary breadwinner. I have no family. Her family is mine -- we spend all holidays together. I signed up for life. I can't imagine leaving.

But I also don't want to be filled with regret /resentment.

I feel like I was betrayed twice -- my wife witnessed how hurt I was following the first admission, and yet it didn't seem to matter. Several times she wrote in her journal wondering why she was risking her marriage and her career.

Initially my wife was defensive, but she's now switched to passive SI and deep regret. I have asked for some space. For now that is just me sleeping in a separate bedroom.

I don't know what to do.

To make a long story short, I found out the guy I was going to marry was a serial cheater. I know this sounds biased, but his case was one worst I’ve heard of. He confessed that he cheated on me with 40+ people once I started putting things together, but I suspect that number is actually much higher.

He cheated on me while we slept in the same bed. He would sext people while we were on the same phone call. He would cheat on me while we were at his parents house. As he spoke the words “I love you”, his fingers would type “you’re so much hotter than my girlfriend”. That isn’t some poetic metaphor, that literally happened…

It was so shocking, I don’t think I fully understood the severity of what occurred, and I stayed with him. Huge mistake.

He ended up leaving me for another woman, saying our relationship was too damaged and that he wanted a clean slate with someone else. I told him he was just going to do the same thing to another person and that he was essentially claiming another victim.

Low and behold, that’s exactly what happened. He cheated on her as well.

And guess what, he’s in a new relationship, and he’s cheating on the new girl too.

That’s three victims within a one year span. Or a new C-PTSD diagnosis every 122 days.

Don’t ask me how I know this, but he’s still doing the “my gf is on the phone rn, you’re soooo much hotter and sexier than her” thing.

Can someone please explain this behavior to me? I know I should let it go, but with these sorts of things I don’t think anyone can. What will compile someone to behave in this way?

I'm trying to work through things with my partner. He's given me some reasons to want to stay with me, but "because I Love YOU" isn't landing.

Is that why you stayed? Was love enough? Was it more?

Thanks

Title. A bit of a long text, a bit of rambling. 30M, Three months post discard, she monkeybranched to a jobless guy eight years younger who lives with his parents.

We had been living together for seven years. A relationship as healthy and stable as it comes. Everyone saw us (me included) as a match made in heaven. I cared for her so, so much. Her family is dysfunctional as all hell, her past relationships were tumultuous and her childhood was a clusterfuck. Both her parents are a couple of disgusting narcissists who mistreated her for all her life, and she stockholm syndrome'd herself into believing they'd change every six months or so (much to her disappointment, they will never change). She really wanted to show up for me, told me she couldn't be herself with anybody before. We went on a trip to Japan past october and asked her to marry me. She said yes. She had spent the good part of 2025 telling me I was already her husband, how our life was a husband-wife type of deal, how she was expecting me to propose, yadda yadda. Last week before abandoning me by blindside she told me I was so handsome now that I was starting to get some grey hairs, how I had the brooding intellectual vibe that drove her crazy, how I was going to be such a great dad for our children. We had names for the kids picked. Both our names matched in initials and both our surnames did too. It was crazy. Yeah.

She had met him two months earlier, after starting japanese classes. After the trip she got infatuated with the country and its culture. She was volatile in her hobbies, jobs, future projects, even friendships. Lately things were starting to stabilitze and I thought we were finally reaching a point of maturity where she could show up as my life partner. I really really wanted it. I have a lot of friends and diverse social circles. I don't have a problem to strike a conversation with someone, to keep contact and show up. But I had always felt a bit alienated, a tad particular. She was so in love when we started talking. Everything I did and said, even years later, was interesting to her. She was cool and we shared so many interests and our vibes were similar. I always felt like we understood each other. I wanted to care for her, to give her the home she never had; I also wanted to be cared for in the same way. I have a good family but I had always wanted to be seen and loved for who I am. Who doesn't? I felt at peace with her around.

She brought the dude (he was fired after two days on his previous job apparently) around on some group hikes with other friends. We did some party dinners at our (my) apartment. She has never had a lot of friends, she has difficulties making new connections and maintaining them. I was so happy for her to make a couple friends at her japanese classes. She has some acquaitances whom know her for less than a year. Those aren't lifelong friends. I can't provide that for her, I was genuinely happy she was finding people to do activities in her own spaces. Well, she repaid that with betrayal and leaving me for this reject of a guy.

She admitted to basically telling him that she fancied him, and that she had to be "loyal" to me and quit our relationship before something happened. Wonderful. She was wearing my engagement ring whilst doing this. She suddenly broke down with her girl friends, who were understandably horrified at this revelation. Some told her that it was madness to behave like this, to treat me with some respect, to give me time to process and understanding. That she owed me some time, maybe couples therapy.

She decided to drop all that advice and stomp on it, and in less than 24h, after I wake up and we have coffe, she just tells me she has this gut feeling to leave, that she had lost feelings for me, that this wasn't what she wanted. She tells me that I'm the most wonderful partner and keeps calling me "dear", "love" and the whole thing whilst crying, kissing me and telling me "she's going to regret this" as she steps out the door. Cue in a month of anxiety and panic attacks (which I've never had before this), dissociations, self-flagellation, crushing guilt, sucidal thoughts. Absolutely the worst point of my life, and I rejected to use any form of narcotics or alcohol, which I knew were not the answer. I rejected medication too, because fifteen years ago I had to take antidepressants and I know the feeling of being a living zombie with dulled feelings 24/7. So no, I took it head on with the help of Jung and a lot of ranting and venting. I understood a lot of psychological processes just to end up unlearning them and deciding it's not my job to understand if she has BPD, quietBPD, is avoidant, is traumatized, is bipolar or whatever. She took my life and ruined it, she lied to me, betrayed me for a piece of shit. I thought we would have a child next year. I was even excited at growing up and being a dad. I'd have been a fantastic dad.

What I realized is that she could discard people at the drop of a hat, even after years of friendship (haha, hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?). I never thought she would drop me like this; after she had bad moments she told me, tear-eyed, to please not abandon her. Years before, after a mental breakdown, she begged for me to stay. I'm not going anywhere, I told her. I thought it impossible for her to discard me too.

She used a common friend (her last remaining 10+years friend, who's her friend no longer after this) as a messenger to deliver the fact that it wasn't a fault of my own, but that she basically had caught limerence for the jobless slob and wanted to monkeybranch. It's baffling. Honestly it's the most bizarre situation I've ever lived.

I was the rock. I realize now, even when the slow erosion of this push and pull, this instability in all her relationships and wants. She made me feel insecure, probably not consciously, but as a consequence of her own unstable psyche. I realize now (after three months of therapy and trauma processing, EMDR, the whole shebang) that I'm exceptionally stable and emotionally attuned. Always have been, and all this disaster would have put someone in a less stable situation in a spiral of self-destruction. I've decided to let go, reading buddist teachings to understand the necessity of rejecting the wholeness of the ego, to let go of the expectation of truth and justice. Like holding a burning coal, if I want to hold on to this future, this relationship, this love that I wanted and fought so much for, after this betrayal I've found that just holding onto it will just burn me and hurt me longer. I've let go, and I know it's impossible to go back from this. But sometimes it's inevitable to stare at the sizzling coal that you've dropped on the ground, and say "why?". What a shame everything ended like this. I wanted to give this girl the world. I already did, within my capacity. And it wasn't enough for her broken mind.

Best of luck to all of you decent folk who have had their live toyed with like this. I hope you can find the wellspring of strength that we all have deep within. I certainly didn't know I had it in me to get out of this whole and stronger. I'm still trying but dignity and purpose will always be a reward onto those that take the higher road. For the unfaithful partners, it's the downward path to ruin, even if it takes them years. They're their own worst enemies, and those demons you have inside your head you can't outrun. They'll reach the bottom sooner or later.

Because you can't afford to support yourself? Because of the kids? Because you didn't feel like starting over?

I can't afford to support myself.

Anyone else been in this boat? Not looking for advice, just support.

One year ago today I uncovered my (ex)wife cheating on me with someone she met on an online game (Overwatch). The last few days were horrible because I kept thinking about how last year around this time I didn't know the end was coming and my time was limited. August 31st 2025 we had dinner at a Brazilian steakhouse late at night. A restaurant we both loved despite it being very expensive per person. We just spend a lot of money recently on filing forms I-130 and I-485 and any other fees related to lawyer consults/mailing/etc. But we went out anyway because I wanted to celebrate the fact she will be with me until burial and I will never have to travel again.

A little after 9:30pm on August 31st 2025 we leave the restaurant and drive home. Nothing out of the ordinary really. I hang up a spice rack on the wall that was delivered recently that she really wanted up to add to our spice collection. Only took maybe 15 minutes to drill and mount to the wall. After that I go to lay down and she comes to lay with me for a few moments. She asks me if I would be ok with her playing Overwatch for a little bit, I don't remember if she was trying to do some comp drive shit or whatever the excuse was but I told her thats ok. I really did want her to be in bed with me, she apologized for playing so much recently too and I told her its totally fine I knew it was something she enjoyed doing. She left to go play and I fell asleep at some point afterwards.

I don't remember the exact time but it was probably 4am I woke up to get water, shes still in the living room playing. She walks over to me while I get water and I remember holding each other and she says sorry again and that she will be in bed soon. That was the last instance of physical affection being displayed between us and I never knew it would be the last time. Get my water, say goodnight again, go to bed.

At around 7:30am she comes to bed while texting this man on Discord, this is when I witness suspicious messages. I wake up as she is getting bed and laying up against me. She then pivots to keep her face and phone screen away from me. I knew what I saw and I was actually panicking because I couldnt accept it was actually true I had to have been insane and misread it entirely because I didnt have my glasses on. The excessive attachment to a game over her recently married husband combined with this led me to go through her phone. I still feel disgusted for doing this because I never want to do this to someone i love. Although I was right, she just met him a few days before this and they were sexting for a few hours and sent pics. I still have the screenshots I took, I read them infrequently to remind myself she was a horrible person. Of everything she told this man the one thing that always stands out is how she said she "Genuinely loves her husband and doesnt know what she would do if she lost me". The Overwatch man promised her that I would never find out, idk how he expected to maintain that promise? Anyway its now September 1st 2025, early in the morning, only one friend is even awake, the rest were asleep because it was a holiday. I had no one to immediately help me and I just wanted to get back in bed with my wife and pretend like nothing happened. I kept thinking to myself if i ignore it maybe this is a one off and it would never happen again. But thats a very stupid solution to a real problem I need to address.

She was asleep soundly while I just completely shut down and kept begging for help from everyone in my life praying everyone would wake up instantly. I kept thinking about how my entire life was over, everything I have ever hoped for with my new wife was entirely gone and nothing would ever be the same. She knew what she was doing and there is no forgiveness. Some time went by, I ran errands, eventually my entire friend group woke up to help, and I realized that I would never feel the same or be happy with her again because this was a complete nuclear blast to everything I have ever felt. Eventually I wake her up and demand that she leaves my home and returns back to her home country (United Kingdom) immediately. That was the hardest day of my life that was one year ago today and it feels so recent even though I dont think I am in pain anymore.

I hate that she did this, I miss my former mother in law. I miss her entire family. I only have my parents. I hate that she made a decision that we both have to live with. I also hate that she gets to just get away with this, no one in her life will know what she has done. No one she meets in the future will know that she is human garbage and I want to break my no contact and look up her Reddit account and everything accounts and send everyone she knows the screenshots I have. I know that wont make me feel better, I cant do that forever. I hate that she walks away with no consequences.

One of the two or three names we had agreed on if we had a daughter when I was pregnant with our son. The name was my suggestion, not his.

It's an uncommon name, old-fashioned, so unlikely to have come from the much younger affair partner.

It's been three years but there's always a new low. I can't for the life of me understand. Why not go with one of the names HE liked?

It's so fucking weird and I feel like something else was stolen from me (the daughter I will never have). Fuck him.

It's been over two years since my (30M) wife (28F) had an affair and we've been separated for about two years now. I have my 6yo daughter 75% of the time. We're adjusting slowly, but I'm struggling to know how much to tell my daughter about why mom and dad don't live together anymore. Do I elaborate on the affair at all? Obviously I wouldn't go into detail, but should I tell her that mom broke a really important grown-up promise? So far my daughter just knows that mom and dad won't be living together anymore. She has no idea why, we've only just explained that it has absolutely nothing to do with her and that sometimes moms and dads don't live together anymore.

I don't want my daughter growing up to hate her mom. I don't hate her mom, despite her mistakes. But I don't want to keep things from her, and it's not like she won't eventually figure it out on her own. Her mom got pregnant during her affair and my daughter knows I'm not her brother's dad, she just doesn't understand why.

I guess I'm just looking for anyone who has experience navigating this that they can share.

Just went through a breakup after 7 years and I am pretty certain my girlfriend was cheating on me with someone else atleast the last 2-3 years. I thought about leaving but I just figured maybe I was being crazy but now that I'm out of the relationship it seems plain as day. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

ahhhhh

I thought after 14 years the waves from my ex's affair were done, but a couple of nights ago her ex boyfriend just dropped a bomb on my kids, saying that I'm not the father of one of them.

We have been divorced for basically all of his life, but I have always been a father to him, even though she told me I might not be the father on d-day. He has ask me in the past if I was his father and I told him I was, I was content to just let this go forward, figuring that no good would come from the truth coming to light, but now it has. He is hurting pretty bad, his older brother has new waves of hate for his mom, and they find out that the DNA spreader is in jail for life, I guess for murder of some sort. My son is scared that things will change between the two of us, and I told him that things will sift, but they will go back to pretty similar to how it was last week.

The only new things for me to process are that the ex lied about their being a chance I was the father and the info about the DNA spreader. My boys had suspected this, but dam, it's a world suspecting this shit and knowing this shit.

Even after all these years the cheating is still causing people fresh pain, tears at old wounds. I'm mad that even after all this time, it still is hurting people, and not just me.

Not much of a rant, not really looking for advice, just had to talk a bit.

I finally feeling like I have a plan to move forward, and this doesn't change this plans. I received this email from her this morning after two weeks no real contact. My immediate plan is to ignore it a day or two and see how i feel about responding then, if at all.

"I know I have not talked much about what has happened because as you know I have to process things and takes me a while to do so. I just wanted to let you know that I had no intentions of my behavior happening and never ever dreamed we would be split up and not together. When we were first together I adored you and loved you so much and honestly I still do. I don’t know why or how this all started but it did. You have no idea how much this all has really upset me and it hurts but I can’t just talk about it when you wanted me to. I am taking full responsibility and there for I don’t want to keep talking about it and move on from. I do miss who at one time was my best friend and it is very painful for me. I have not allowed myself to cry about it until recently and they could by why you thought I was being cold but really I was just numb and I am now able to show emotions about it. There is nothing I can do to take any of it back and that is an awful feeling for me. I just wanted to let you know all that.

Maybe a long time from now we can be friends."

I (26F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been dating for about 8 months now. However, we’ve only been officially together for around 3 months.

About 4 months into knowing each other, when we were still in the talking stage and not officially together, I found out that he was still in contact with his ex-girlfriend. They had broken up only 3 months before he met me.

I had always had an inkling that they were still in contact - call it women’s intuition- but whenever I brought it up, he would deny it, which often left me feeling like I was overthinking or being paranoid.

For some context, my boyfriend and his ex had been in an extremely toxic, on-and-off relationship for about 2 years. From what I understand, both of them acknowledge how unhealthy their relationship was. They would repeatedly break up, go no-contact, and then somehow end up back in each other’s lives. During the time he and I were talking, they apparently only texted or called each other once or twice, so I initially didn’t think much of it.

However, around the 4-month mark, things crossed a major line. While he was visiting his hometown, he met up with his ex and they hooked up.

I found out because his ex-girlfriend contacted me directly. She told me that only a week before they hooked up, the two of them had decided to enter a “trial relationship” for one month.

I was absolutely devastated. I already struggle with OCD, and this situation had a huge impact on my mental health. I felt completely blindsided because, at the time, I believed that whatever was happening between us was becoming more serious which he made me believe so.

When I confronted him, along with his ex, he sincerely apologised. He explained that he felt his ex had a very toxic hold over him. Throughout their relationship, she had been very avoidant, which was a major reason they constantly clashed. He said that whenever she randomly reappeared in his life or gave him attention after periods of distance, he felt like he lost control of his decision-making and would gravitate back towards her.

Essentially, he described it as though her breadcrumbing would pull him back in, even when he knew the relationship was unhealthy. He acknowledged that this was not an excuse for what he did and that he should have made better decisions. This kind of made sense to me because something similar had happened to me in the past where I was in his shoes and I remember how confusing and hard to let go a relationship can be.

What makes this particularly confusing for me is that he genuinely seemed remorseful. Even his ex told me that cheating was “super” out of character for him and that she had never known him to behave that way in a relationship.

I also know that he is someone who really loves being in love. He loves relationships, loves having a partner, and genuinely seems to care deeply about the person he is with. Now, I see how much he cares and loves me and I could see that he was genuinely remorseful. Because of that, I decided to forgive him and give our relationship a real chance. I can understand how he got caught up in an unhealthy dynamic with his ex, and I genuinely want to believe that he has learned from it and would never do something like this again.

But the problem is that I cannot seem to move past it.

Even though we are now officially together, I still constantly compare myself to his ex and put myself down because of what happened. I keep thinking that he must have loved her more than he liked me at the time, or that there was something about her that made him choose her over me.

I know that technically we weren't officially together when they hooked up, but it still hurts deeply because of the circumstances. We had already been seeing each other for months, and he was pursuing a relationship with me while simultaneously getting back together with his ex.

I keep wondering whether I am just setting myself up to get hurt again by staying. Part of me wants to believe that this was a terrible mistake caused by an unhealthy attachment that he has now moved on from. Another part of me worries that I am ignoring a huge red flag because I love him and want the relationship to work.

So, should I end things with him and put myself first, or is this something that can eventually get better? Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to rebuild trust and stop comparing themselves to their partner’s ex?

I’m looking for genuinely unbiased opinions because I’ve been going back and forth about this for a long time. I don’t want people to automatically tell me “yes, he cheated” or “you’re overthinking.” I want to know how this looks from the outside.

My ex and I were in a relationship for several months. There were already some trust issues during the relationship, but at the time I didn’t put everything together as a pattern.

One thing that bothers me a lot in hindsight is the condom situation.

At one point, he bought a 3-condom pack. He told me that all three condoms had been used. Later, during another sexual encounter between us, one condom from that previous pack turned up, and he said something along the lines of:

“Oh, I found out later that one was left.”

I found this strange because it was only a 3-pack, so I feel like someone would reasonably remember whether all three had actually been used.

There were also other occasions where I noticed condoms seemed to be disappearing fairly quickly. I don’t have an exact record of how many condoms we used during every encounter, so I can’t mathematically prove that there were condoms unaccounted for. But looking back, I feel like the numbers didn’t always make sense to me.

When I questioned him about why the condoms were finishing so quickly, he laughed and said something like:

“Do you doubt me? We use them, that’s why they finish.”

Then, after we had sex another time, he became serious and said:

“See, this is how the condoms get used so quickly.”

At the time, I believed him.

There was also an incident involving his phone. He was in the shower, and I said I would change the music on his phone. He immediately came out of the shower/rushed over to take the phone. I got angry and asked why he was acting like he was hiding something. He laughed and said something like, “Why would I hide something? You have the password.”

There were other things that made me suspicious too. He could be unavailable for hours, often saying he was busy and would get back to me. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for several hours unless I called him. When I questioned certain things, I sometimes felt like he was defensive or would laugh rather than give me a straightforward answer.

At one point I also asked him directly whether he was cheating. Instead of immediately calmly saying “No,” he went silent for a while before eventually denying it. That stuck with me.

There was also another woman/situation involving someone named Nikita that made me suspicious, although there was never definitive proof of anything sexual happening there either.

One thing I want to make clear: I was not ready for penetrative sex immediately. I needed time. We were intimate in other ways, and eventually we did have sex, but I sometimes wonder whether his sexual frustration could have contributed to him cheating. However, my therapist has repeatedly told me that if someone cheats, that’s ultimately their choice; I didn’t owe him sex in order to prevent infidelity.

There were also things he actually did lie about, particularly his finances and certain aspects of his life. Those lies eventually came out and he admitted them himself. So I know he was capable of hiding significant information from me.

My therapist’s perspective is interesting. She thinks I sensed that something was wrong throughout the relationship, but I couldn’t identify exactly what it was. She says it could have been cheating, finances, emotional issues, or something else—but I knew something was “off.” She doesn’t want me to obsess over whether every suspicious behavior proves cheating. She wants me to focus on what worked for me and what didn’t.

But now, after the breakup, I’ve started putting everything together and thinking:

“What if he actually was physically cheating on me, and the condom situation was one of the clues?”

I’m particularly stuck on the 3-condom pack. If he genuinely thought all three had been used and later discovered one was left, is that a completely normal mistake? Or is that genuinely suspicious?

I also wonder whether his laughter when I questioned the condoms and his reaction to his phone should be considered meaningful red flags or whether I’m giving normal defensive behavior too much significance.

So, Reddit:

1. Does the condom incident genuinely sound suspicious to you?
2. Is it realistic for someone to forget that one condom was left from a 3-pack?
3. Do the phone incident + defensiveness/laughter + condom situation together make physical cheating reasonably likely?
4. Or am I taking several ambiguous incidents and creating a story retrospectively because I now know he lied about other things?

I’m not looking for reassurance. If you think he probably cheated, tell me why. If you think there’s insufficient evidence, tell me that too. I want the most objective interpretation possible.

I was seeing him for 2 years. He was always avoidant and non-committal and I was shy and nervous about causing arguments so I only plucked up the courage to ask him if he was my boyfriend a year into our relationship. We were together, I knew that but I was seeking commitment from him or just to know where I stood.

I started by telling him someone asked me if I was single or if I had someone and I didn't know how to answer. He told me he thinks I have someone and said cute things like I live in his heart. Hours later, he went to a party and had sex with another girl. He decided to tell me about it on Christmas day, a couple weeks after it had happened.

To me, he said it was only because he took drugs and he wouldn't have done it sober. He said he didn't have sex with her but did other things. He made out that it was all the girl and he was being taken advantage of and asked me to forgive him. I did. He then broke up with me on Valentine's Day. We got back together but eventually we broke up for good last month.

I recently discovered that he brags about the cheating to his male friends and said he did it because he didn't have a relationship to ruin. He did have sex with the girl even though he told me he didn't. I also found out he flirted with other girls online while we were together.

I'm struggling to move on and not feel like a fool. I trusted him and he completely betrayed me and I don't know how to cope with finding out the truth.

It’s been one year since everything happened, haven’t seen him in about 16 months. So much has happened and I’ve been in and out of therapy, I can say I’m doing a lot better, but some days my feelings of missing him and worrying for him are stronger than others, like a pit in my stomach. I guess that’s just something I’m going to have to carry with me as long as I live.

We live together and I believe he's cheating on me. I want to confront him and leave if this is the case, but I'm not set up financially to do so yet.

A few months ago, we both fell on hard times financially and pretty much have been taking turns supporting each other. He started a new job (he's a physician) a few weeks ago so he's pretty much back on track but me on the other hand..well let's just say I am a caregiver and make maybe 8% of what he makes in a year. To be fair I was doing okay for myself until he fell on hard times. I wanted to be a caring supportive partner and was doing everything I could to keep us both afloat. Money doesn't really matter to me. I figured I was in it for the long haul, riding the struggle bus for a few months won't hurt. Im still pretty behind and although things are looking up I wont be able to get an apartment for a good 2-3 months.

I don't have family and friends to turn to. He won't let me stay there if we aren't in a relationship.

I would love to have certainty that he's not cheating on me. We've had a breach in trust before and although it wasn't cheating, he lied to me about something big. So there are trust issues we've been working through. One thing that has been a problem is his phone. That damn phone is glued to him and he's hella suspicious with it. He refuses to let me see it. A few weeks ago we had a fight because he refused to let me see it and so that, mixed with the weird phone behavior, I'm convinced he's cheating on me.

I don't have proof. I don't even know how to get proof. But I do know that if I ask to see his phone again and get denied I will lose my mind. I know that if im going to go there then I need to have an exit strategy. But for now, to avoid being homeless, I need to move in silence. Stack my money up and prepare for the worst.

But for those who might've been in my situation, or maybe something different and decided to stay anyway...how do you stay sane? How do you not wake up with that bad feeling in your stomach?

Read my post history if you want the full story. It’s been a pretty rough couple of months.

I’ve been no contact for two weeks now. She finally deleted her reddit profile with the picture of us together as her banner, where she would solicit for encounters.

I also finally got rid of every one of her belongings and pretty much anything in the house that reminded me of her. All the pictures, little things, memories. It was hard, but I knew I needed to do it.

Saturday I actually went out with a friend to watch football. It felt good to get out of the house, and just have a normal night for once.

Yesterday I started really downsizing. I’m donating stuff and listing things for sale that I haven’t touched in years. It feels pretty good getting rid of all the crap I’ve been holding onto. The work required feels overwhelming but if I do a little bit everyday I think I can be ready in a couple months.

And now I have a plan. I’m starting to look at apartments and townhouses, and I’m going to move across town, closer to work. A fresh place, close to lots of entertainment, away from the quiet suburbs and a lot fewer reminders of the past.

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. The anxiety is mostly gone. I feel like I can focus. I think having something to work toward makes a huge difference.

I know there will still be bad days. I’m sure my brain will try to drag me back into the memories and the what-ifs. But I’m trying to stay focused on what’s ahead instead of what’s behind me.

Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.

So if you don’t know my back story you could find out from my other two posts. So i finally delivered our baby via Cs. My husband was present at the hospital and assisted. However when we went back home i discovered he was on tinder that same week i was prepping for my surgery. I let it slide and didn’t ask. Then come weekend i was to visit the hospital for my first review, to which he said he has a meeting out if town so i struggled and went for that hospital review alone. Later that evening he calls and tells me hi meeting got cancelled and is no longer traveling. Meanwhile at the hospital they tell me i have very high blood pressure and should be hospitalized but i plead with the doctor to just let me go home. This man then calls to tell me he is waiting for his car to be fixed so i take an uber home. I went home and at midnight he is not yet back i call and he tells me he has gone out. He didn’t tell me prior, we have a one week old baby hes left me alone with at home, my scar isn’t even completely healed and im having high BPs. But he still went out and came home at 5am and slept on the couch for two days. I later found receipts of uber to a different location he had claimed to have been that night and he never even came home with the car he said was being fixed. I have askes him to not come back to our house and just leave and ill send his belongings and now he is threatening me that its his house and i should leave if i want to. Im so broken and with a newborn i feel so gutted. We live in a rented space so there is really no ownership and im okay paying the rent moving forward. Am i being unreasonable for asking him to leave, considering cheating is a subject we fought over my entire pregnancy with multiple women

My sister is 35 years old and has been with her now-ex-husband since she was 18. They got married at 18 so she could go be a military wife while he “served,” while she stayed home and, honestly, did absolutely nothing with her life.

Fast-forward 17 years, and not much has changed. She has worked at department stores and Starbucks, but the highest position she ever reached was shift supervisor. Throughout their relationship, she would break up with him, move in with my parents, live there rent-free and essentially responsibility-free, and eventually go back to him. Then the cycle would repeat. This has happened over and over again for years.

And it isn't as though this is just some dysfunctional relationship where they fight a lot. He has been physically abusive, emotionally abusive, and unfaithful. My sister has always been the type of person who seems to believe that a man is going to come along and save her. She has never really built a life of her own.

Recently, she got fired from her job and spent six months unemployed. During that time, she started taking Ozempic and working out regularly—for the first time in her life, she actually got off the couch and started taking care of herself. And honestly? She looks amazing. She is absolutely glowing. I am genuinely proud of her for that. I was happy to see her finally doing something for herself and gaining some confidence.

But the biggest thing was that she was finally away from him.

After everything that had happened, she told all of us the details of their relationship. She told us how bad the abuse had gotten(luckily, he didn't beat her up, but he would push her around, and push her to her limits- physically, but she was never beaten on). She promised us she was never going back. The last thing he told her was that he was going to kill her and then kill himself because he couldn't live without her.

And then my own life completely blew up.

I found out my husband had been having an affair. When I initially found out, I told my entire family that it had been going on for ten years. I completely regret doing that now because I later found out that I had exaggerated the timeline—it was actually six years. Still absolutely devastating and still completely unacceptable, but not ten years.

I also have a baby, and after everything came out, my sister helped me for a few weeks. I was grateful for her support, especially because I was dealing with the affair and trying to navigate everything with a baby.

Then, suddenly, she went back to him.

And now she is acting all cutesy and happy because she is “in love with him.” She is ignoring me and spending her free time with him instead of being around me, and i strongly believe it is because she believes that, and in comparison to me, her ex actually loved her and chose her, so compared to my situation- it's not really that bad. I honestly feel like I need to cut her off.

Her behavior and the choices she has made over the years have become so consistently toxic and disappointing that I don't think I want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I love my sister, but I am exhausted from watching the same thing happen over and over again and feeling like I am somehow responsible for helping her fix it.

So many of our conversations have revolved around me telling her she should do this, or she should do that, or go back to school, get a better job, become independent, or finally leave him. I have spent years trying to give her advice, encourage her, and help her see that she is capable of having a life outside of this relationship. And time after time, she doesn't take the advice.

She comes to me when she wants to get away from him. She needs support, somewhere to go, someone to listen to her, and someone to reassure her that she can make it on her own. I am there for her. Then, when she inevitably goes back to him, it feels like I am completely abandoned and forgotten.

And now, because of what happened in my own marriage, I feel like the dynamic has somehow shifted.

For years, I was the one listening to her relationship problems and telling her she deserved better. Now my own husband has betrayed me, and although I don't believe the situations are the same, I can't help but feel like she has a “leg up” on me now. She can look at my situation and say that her relationship isn't uniquely dysfunctional because my husband cheated too. I hate that I even think about it this way, but that's honestly how it feels.

I am already devastated by what I am going through with my husband. I am trying to process betrayal, figure out what my future looks like, and take care of my baby at the same time. The last thing I expected was to also feel devastated by my sister's choices.

And I think that's the part that has finally broken something in me.

I don't want to keep being the person she calls when she needs an escape, only to be abandoned the moment she goes back to him. I don't want every conversation to revolve around the latest crisis, followed by the exact same outcome. I don't want to keep giving advice that she doesn't want to hear and then watching her make the same choices.

I can't actually cut her off- that's too dramatic- she lives with my parents 2 minutes away from me, literally 8 blocks. But what the hell do i do.