sad spicy pizza and reupload because reddit cannot properly process my photo

english is not my main language so sorry for any mistakes. i just really need to write this somewhere because i feel like im losing my mind and my chest physically hurts.

i broke up with my ex last winter after a long and toxic relationship. it left me with a lot of trust issues and for the past months i struggled a lot on dating apps. i had matches, but i felt completely disconnected and emotionally numb with everyone. i just thought maybe i wasnt capable of feeling safe or accepted with someone again.

about two weeks ago i matched with this girl. im 26m and she was 25. right away it felt different. we had the same exact humor, life philosophy, same love for adrenaline. we talked for two days straight and exchanged probably more than 500 messages. it felt so natural like we already knew each other for years.

our first date was supposed to be just a quick coffee. coffee turned into dinner, and dinner turned into walking around a park for hours. we laughed non stop and she genuinely looked at me and said she hadnt felt this good in such a long time, asking me to stay a bit longer. i felt the exact same way. i dropped her home at 2am even though we both had work at 9am. the very next day we did the exact same thing. straight to dinner, then walking in the park until 2am on another workday.

after a one day break because i had a work event, she asked if i could take my motorcycle so we could ride together. she was working on getting her bike license too. i am usually so reluctant to take anyone on my back, i basically never carry passengers because it takes an insane amount of trust. but i took her. i have never seen someone look so genuinely happy. we rode to a castle nearby and watched the sunset on a bench, just holding each other. i cannot get the memory out of my head of her hand caressing my chest while i was driving, or me caressing her head while we sat on that bench. i honestly think i fell in love with her right there.

on the ride back into town she told me she was feeling unwell and asked to stop. we parked the bike, ordered an uber, and i took her home. she was feeling so sick and was in such a rush to get inside that i didnt even hug her goodbye. i just took another uber back to pick up my motorcycle. that was the last time i ever saw her face.

the next day she told me she went to the er. the doctors said it was something with her stomach and sent her home with pills. we barely exchanged a few messages because she was resting. the day after that she had to go back to the hospital. she sent me two voice notes sounding so weak, and her last text to me was saying that she misses me and wishes she could see me.

after that, complete silence. for the next two days i sent messages asking if she was okay, asking if i could bring her anything or help. no replies. i checked her instagram and tiktok, zero activity.

on the third day i was so worried that i went to her workplace just to see if someone had news. when i walked in, i saw her photo sitting there with a black ribbon over it. i froze but i managed to briefly ask a coworker who was rushing past, and she told me she died before going into surgery because of severe food poisoning, but she didnt know more. i just stood there and started crying.

it has been a week now and i cant function. i fell harder for this girl in three days than i did in years of my past relationship. the guilt is eating me alive. i feel guilty that i didnt hug her that last night, guilty that i wasnt there with her in that hospital, but mostly i am just devastated that this chance was stolen from us before our story even properly began. we dont even have a single photo together. all i have left are three days of memories replaying in my head on loop, and the voice notes of someone i will never get to see again.

i just hope you get to have the most beautiful ride among the stars now. i hope somewhere out there you know that you were loved, even though i never got the chance to say it to you.

my actual dinner at the Rockies game yesterday, eaten standing over a trash can

My wife (37F) and I (43M) have a what I think to be a happy, very open, communicative marriage. A year or so ago, we were chatting about her sexuality and how she’s always felt a little gay or bi but never explored it. So I said to her, “Well, you should explore it! I’m sure there is a place on the internet with people in your same stage in life, scenario who are probably having the same thoughts.”  And who am I to suppress this? She’s her own woman, we have children, a home and a whole ass life together. Do you really think she’s just gonna throw it all away? And if she is, and she falls in love or something than maybe that’s the way it was supposed to be.  I dunno.  It felt loving, supportive.  And its honestly, how I felt and still feel.  It’s nice feeling confident in where you stand with your partner even during hard conversations like this.  Anyway, we found Feeld.  She made a profile and instantly got a gajillion matches.  She’s kind of a sapphic wet dream.  Punk-y, stylish, beautiful, effortless. She went on a few dates and it was kind of fun – her coming back from dates telling me about “how weird lesbians are” or “we made out but she had the nastiest apartment.”  It was nice seeing her light up, feeling sexy, feeling alive, feeling like a piece of her that was always missing was finally here.   And then one day she said, “why don’t we go on these dates together? Would it be weird?” “Umm, fuck no. it wouldn’t be.” “But I don’t want to trounce on your thing, your discovery” “No, not at all this is what I want.” 

Fast forward a month, and we are just casually dating not one but two gals. Throuples! One was an elementary school teacher (37F) who was/is one of the funniest people around, and the other was an absolute rocket (26F) midnight ballerina/park ranger (lol shout out Colorado) with a sweet gentle soul. Recipe for disaster, right? Well, kinda. 

It lasted for the whole summer and the teacher was also dating someone else at the time and it ended up getting serious and they now live together.  But the park ranger, her and I really hit it off and would chat a lot, and to the point where my wife said “if you guys wanted to hang out just you and her, I am open to that, since you let me explore” and of course I said “Let’s do it.”

So there was some overlap here, this developed the same time we had a weekend getaway with the teacher and we were all talking about it and she pulled me to the side and said “I know she said shes ok with it, but don’t. Trust me.”

Well, I did.  The next week, We spent the day together, just her and I.  We hung out at her place, laughed and connected. We were intimate a bunch and honestly it was great. I genuinely had feelings for her and in another life we may have ended up together.  I still think about her. But…did I leave feeling like it was some unrequited love? No.  Would she have ever held a candle to my wife? No.  Should I have taken the advice of the “teacher”? Probably.

Because later that week, we were all supposed to hang out.  My wife, the park ranger and I – and we did.  Things got hot and heavy and my wife noticed a bit too much chemistry between the park ranger and I and it was making her uncomfortable I could tell. So afterwards what do we decide to do – go to a sex club. Also, awesome but bad idea. I could tell the vibes were off and I had no idea how to get them back. So I tried to f*ck the awkwardness away, it was hot as hell but still weird.  We hung out for a little longer and then went home, and I asked my wife if she could sleep over and she responded with “fuck no, get this bitch out of my house. ” “Will do, babe.”

And that’s the last I saw of the park ranger.

And that’s the last time my wife felt like “exploring.”

I did the thing I didn't want to do. "I don't want to trounce on your thing..."

I let my ego get in the way.

We're happy, still married, just monogamous.

I told her, with complete honesty "You can bang another dude to even up the score, just send me 3-7 pics"

She said "Thats not what it about you stupid fruit"

Anyway, I've never told anyone that story. Sorry if its weird.

TL;DR: Encouraged my wife to explore her bisexuality, we briefly became poly, I got too into one of our girlfriends, ignored a very accurate warning, and accidentally killed the whole experiment. Still happily married. Now monogamous. Learned some shit. 

UPDATE: Just in case, y'all were curious. This was Summer '24 (I said a year or so ago) and we are still married. tbh it was a fun season that we had and it had kind of a silly ending, it really wasn't too serious. If anything it was fun, scandalous, playful thing I did with my wife and we learned a lot about communication, being honest and how thinking with your dingus can mess stuff up.

My (32) girlfriend (30) of about a year has recently become very focused on my dating history. We’ve talked about past relationships and the like, but last week she demanded that we go through my social media following one by one and I tell the story of anyone I’ve been involved with before I delete them.

I’m not attached to having them on socials but didn’t agree that she needed to know the backstory to every interaction. We compromise that I delete them while she watches. This still feels a little overbearing but honestly I understand it.

But, she took screenshots of my followers list before I deleted them, then referenced afterwards and found who was removed. She made a list of them and looked at their profiles and Googled (at least some of) them. This feels invasive to me in a way that I don’t really know how to describe.

Related, she’s recently started asking me to compare her to my past long term relationship, a woman I dated for four years until 2022. That relationship ended for emotional and logistical reasons and it’s long in the past - she’s now married and I’ve been in other relationships since.

My gf is convinced that, because I had a close and loving relationship previously, that she is not special to me. This is despite our relationship being defined by a dynamic where I continually show and tell her I love her while she is less openly affectionate.

She needs to know that I love her “more” than I loved my ex which I don’t know how to engage. In so many ways, I do love her more, but I also don’t agree that it’s right to compare relationships in some hierarchy.

Together, these things make her feel like I’m incapable of loving her, and it makes me feel like I’m damaged goods. She hasn’t generally been insecure in our relationship but we’ve started talking about the future more seriously and it seems to have sent us down this rabbit hole.

Homemade focaccia pizza

ETA: thanks everyone for your comments. They have been a bit overwhelming but I’ve read most (if not all?) of them and I think I know what I need to do. I’m sorry to not reply to anyone in particular but just know that I appreciate your advice and concerns

My wife is from an area with a pretty shallow dating pool. Lots of oil workers, very "traditional" men (work away from home for weeks on end, then drink and go out or buy and play with expensive toys when they're home while wife handles everything, then complain about their family like they ruined their life). That's part of why my wife moved away, and she met me while studying here. One of her friends (we'll call her M) is married to such a man (we'll call him T). She became a SAHM during the tail end of covid. She's been socially isolated by COVID restrictions and her own immune issues, parenting, where they live, and his financial abuse (limiting her "allowance" such that she can't afford to do much). We don't like T. He's a prick. M settled because he's no worse than the rest.

We became parents ourselves about a year ago, and gave all her friends an open invitation to visit and bring their kids. M decided to take us up on it when T wanted to take their kid to a family gathering she couldn't bear attending (that's a whole other story). T took their kid, his sister basically does all of the childcare at these gatherings and she's a great mom which is the only reason M allows this.

So, M visits for a few days. She's never been to our area so we take her on a basic tourist itinerary. I'm functionally a SAHD that has a remote job. My wife is self employed and I support her business in a variety of ways. M watched us juggle our daily lives while hosting a guest. M and my wife went out on their own a few times for meals or day trips. They took our child along for other things to give me space and let me work. It all felt like a pretty basic, low-key visit. We didn't roll out the red carpet, it was business as usual with a third wheel.

A couple weeks later, my wife comes flying through the door saying "M is leaving T! She served him papers and is living with her cousin!". Apparently, her witnessing what a "good" husband looks like (I'm not perfect but I try) was the final straw. She went home and spent the entire day crying before T got back. What she told my wife basically boiled down to her not knowing what it was like to actually have a respectful partner and she couldn't go back to her life after that. She described things I did that weren't anything special for me to do, but were foreign to her, like considering her dietary restrictions when cooking or choosing restaurants, and watching my child while they went out and still managing the household chores. When T left for the fields again, she moved out. He's not contesting her request for full custody. Shocker.

I didn't really do anything and the bar was low with her but it feels validating still.

Anyway, homemade carnitas tacos and green beans.

For anyone who didn't see my previous post, here's the short version:
My wife left our home unexpectedly while I was at work on July 10th, the day before my birthday. At the time, we'd only had our new dog for about two weeks, and she left without telling me or anyone else. She drove across the country, drained our bank account, and told me it was "my problem" when I told her I barely had enough left to pay rent.
She had previously refused professional help and lied to me about having a therapist. As her trip continued, she began claiming she was Jesus, then God, and that she was going to become president. She started interpreting ordinary things as signs from heaven and became increasingly combative whenever anyone questioned her beliefs.
She eventually ended up in California, crossed into Mexico at one point, and her mental state seemed to deteriorate even further. She became convinced that I was trying to kill her after I stopped giving her money. I had been trying to get her help from hundreds of miles away while also trying to keep our home and finances from completely falling apart.
She was eventually placed in a psychiatric facility in California.
I thought that might finally be the point where she could get some help.
Unfortunately, that's not how things played out.
I was told that I would be notified about her progress, but I was never contacted. Somehow, she was released from the facility, and I found out afterward. I have no idea what happened during her stay or what evaluation was done.
Since being released, she seems even more aggressive and combative. She's been sending me audio messages containing verbal threats. I'm keeping everything documented, including the messages, dates, and anything else that I think could be relevant.
I want to make something clear because I know someone will probably criticize me for this:
I'm not normally someone who goes through other people's devices.
She left her iPad at our house. Given everything that had happened and the fact that I was genuinely concerned for her safety, I eventually looked through it.
What I found honestly scared me.
There are multiple writings that I can only describe as something resembling a manifesto. In them, she claims to be the Lord and talks about the CIA and other government agencies eventually "finding this footage." She's apparently still moving around Southern California and seems to believe that various things happening around her are part of some larger mission.
She has also been telling people things about me and her parents that simply aren't true. At one point she somehow "lost her car," which doesn't make sense to me given the circumstances, and there have been so many contradictory stories that I don't even know what to believe anymore.
What's especially painful is that she seems to prefer staying at a shelter rather than coming back to her family.
She has also contacted police where I live and claimed that I shouldn't have had her put into a facility.
I didn't "put" her anywhere. I was hundreds of miles away trying to get someone to help her because I was terrified about what was happening.
She's also now claiming that she's pregnant.
She's had multiple pregnancy tests done, all of which were negative. We haven't been intimate in over four months, and she's been gone for almost two months, so this is another claim that I simply don't understand.
And then there's the part that really worries me.
She's told me that when she comes back, it "won't be pretty."
I don't know exactly what she means by that, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. But considering the threats, the escalating behavior, the accusations that I'm trying to kill her, and everything else that's happened, I don't feel like I can simply ignore statements like that.
The hardest part is that I still care about her.
She's my wife. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I don't want her sleeping on the streets. I don't want her wandering around California believing things that aren't true. I want her to get whatever help she needs.
But caring about someone doesn't mean I can pretend this isn't happening.
I'm on the East Coast trying to hold everything together while she's somewhere in Southern California. I'm taking care of the things she left behind, trying to keep myself financially afloat after our account was drained, taking care of our dog, working, documenting what's happening, and trying to figure out what I'm even supposed to do next.
Her parents don't want to get involved, and I feel like I've been left to deal with this almost completely on my own.
I'm posting this update because I honestly don't know where else to turn.
What do you do when someone you love is clearly not acting like themselves, refuses help, makes increasingly extreme claims, threatens you, and is somewhere hundreds of miles away?
I don't want revenge. I don't want to punish her. I don't want to expose her private information.
I just want her to be safe, and I want to be safe too.
At this point, I'm realizing that I can't fix this by myself.

You can give me advice or just read along but I think I just need to finally get rid of this because it’s holding me back from growing. Im 20, turn 21 in January next year. Never been in a relationship before. I grew up with very strict parents not allowing me to be with girls. I got kicked out when I was 18 and I had to start my life from 0. I’ve never had a crush or liked someone until recently. It felt weird but I went for it. She was a co-worker of mine and the vibes were just unmatched. We hung out 4 times outside of work had countless long conversations in the parking lot and text regularly. I decide to shoot my shot and she said she has a gf but appreciates the friendship. I was extremely broken and felt led on and let myself go for a while. To cope, I go on dating apps to try and get matches and some female attention. I match with a few and hit it off good over text and we agree to go on a date. I was stood up. This hurt extremely bad but not as much as being friendzoned but my morale and confidence was at an all time low. I try one more time and met the sweetest girl on a dating app. Again, trying to cope. I was stood up again. I was so broken on the drive home I genuinely was sobbing so hard I could barely see. On top of that the co worker that friendzoned me I was still close with even though she did that to me just because of how much we got along. She’s quitting and going to the marines. I feel extremely broken, lost and confidence at an all time low with nobody. I’m a very charismatic, positive and confident person but I’m very down on my looks rn. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what I have to change but I think I’m just going to stay to myself for a long while. Thanks for reading. Banza pasta with Alfredo sauce and chicken.

Previous Post

Last week, I posted about a short term relationship abruptly ending a day after she met my family and it was done via text just an hour after I was with her and was intimate too.

Until this morning, I didn't get much sleep. Maybe 3-5 hours a night. Like many, I tend to replay everything about a relationship when it ends to determine what I could have done differently, but truthfully I don't think I could have done anything differently. I'm also a bit of an over-invester which makes breakups tougher, I take responsibility for that.

I still disagree with the way in which she ended things when she could have talked to me in person an hour prior, expressed concerns before meeting my family, but we aren't perfect. I just hope that she learned from it and while it seemed malicious, she was completely honest and that is always the best policy. For all I know, a previous ex of hers could have been abusive which lead her to fear for her safety. I know she's been in abusive relationships, but didn't inquire for details she didn't disclose on her own. I know I'm not abusive, but experiences like that will shape somebody's decisions and while it's my right to be hurt, their decision was probably not related to their respect they have for me or lack thereof.

I deserved better than that, but that also isn't something I need to hear from her. She knows that and so do I. Regardless, that's not a fun decision to make especially when the person you're dumping was kind to you. I've been there! I do know she felt horrible about it all too, I can confidently say she is an empathetic person who can admit to mistakes. She's a very anxious person too. I did have a therapy session Wednesday where this incident was the focus and that helped a good bit, at least until the next morning.

Last Thursday when I was still overthinking, re-playing, and asking myself why she didn't want to keep things going during the early morning, my cat was acting weird. I took him to the emergency vet and ended up leaving with an empty cat carrier. At that point, it was truly a week from hell. My cat was my everything, he had been with me through so many awful events and my world turned upside down. I'll miss Buster so much. So now I had two rough life events stuck on my mind.

To properly grieve my cat and give him my full bandwidth, I actually decided to message her that I do forgive her for the way things ended (as she told me she hopes that one day I can forgive her) and while I wish it was done in better taste, that I wanted her to know that there's no animosity. She responded and said she appreciated that. We left it at that.

Tbh, I feel a lot better. Some may call me a simp, or say I lack self-respect, but I think life is too short to hate people who are flawed just like I am. One could probably say I absolutely didn't have to forgive her and I wouldn't judge somebody who wouldn't, but I chose to for myself. I cannot see myself circling back if she ever expressed that interest though. She kind of crossed the Rubicon. I've established some new boundaries to bring to future relationships.

I've also reflected. That relationship probably wasn't going to work out for me long-term anyways. I always drove to her area, I always paid for everything and she never offered, she even said she doesn't like driving more than 20 minutes or so and wouldn't want to come see me too often. She was also much more of a homebody than I am, and I tried to convince myself how awesome that is. Clearly when I get back out there, I need to step back more regularly and ask myself if this person is a good fit for me before I get emotionally invested. Again, we're not perfect. The woman I ended things with to be with her exclusively was a better fit and I had the best first date ever with her, I absolutely fumbled that but I take responsibility and will live with the consequences haha hopefully she finds an awesome guy though.

Wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me 5 days ago that today I'd be at peace about the loss of what felt like a great relationship along with my cat who I'll miss forever. There's someone out there for me and I will find her in time and I'm going to get a cat from a shelter soon and give them the best life like I did for my previous one who was much safer in my home than on the streets where I found him.

Gyro rice bowl and a Guinness draft 🙂 life is good, fellas.

Had a reservation for us and we got into a stupid argument while getting ready. She ended up saying she didnt want to go anymore and told me to just go without her.

Normally I would've cancelled too, but this time I actually went.

Ordered the mussels she was excited to try.

About halfway through she texted me asking if I seriously went without her, so I sent her a pic of the food, then followed it with "hope they're good."

Could not tell if she was mad, impressed, or both.

She acted normally when I got home so I'll take it that she was impressed lmao.

I’ve been married to my wife for over twenty years. Raised two kids. Been through hell with her. She’s the love of my life and I couldn’t imagine being without her.

But menopause hit her like a freight train. For years she had almost contempt for me. She had an emotional affair with an old friend and we discussed splitting up. But we powered through and are in a much better place now. Not perfect, but better.

But our sex life is over. She has lost all interest in it. She has no desire to go on HRT and has rebuffed my efforts to discuss it. It’s been two years with nothing more than a kiss.

Jerking off gets me through for the most part. I just get very sad when I see her body and get turned on. I can’t take the humiliation of being rejected so I swallow the sadness.

I still love her and I’m not leaving. I’m just making peace with the fact that I will probably never have sex again. I’m not a horny kid who will die without it. It’s just depressing that experience that brought me such joy will no longer be a part of my life going forward.

Dinner is oven-seared salmon with corn and tomatoes. From the New York Times. Delicious and easy.

Previous post.

First of all thanks to everyone that commented. I really appreciate how there were some different opinions, all of them helpful in their own way and I really liked to have so many points of view on the subject.

Yesterday, she asked me if I wanted to go out to celebrate to have dinner, and on the way there I proposed that she stop the car to talk for a while and spilled the beans. I told her everything, and focused on how what we agreed on didn't work for me, as the solution only catered to her needs and wasn't good enough for me. I explained how I thought that I'd much rather have both of us giving than just have nothing going on. We even talked about some things that I didn't write in my previous post (the post was already long enough as it was lol), and we decided that in order for our relationship to work we needed for it to change. She agreed.

There was a point during the conversation where I thought we were breaking up. But she came through and explained how she wanted to change (I really felt it later in the evening, i really felt she put more effort into being with me and I think she enjoyed it).

She asked why I was with her when the relationship wasn't right for me and that's something that made me think a lot. I love her and I love us, and even though right now this relationship is somewhat taxing (I feel like I'm giving more than I'm getting) I know it's been better in the past and I feel that it's almost guaranteed to be better in the future. Besides, right now I'm happy, even if my relationship is not the source of the happiness. I can afford to have my relationship "drain me" a little bit, as I think of it as an investment so that it can blossom into something better in the near future. If I were unhappy I would have left a long time ago.

All of that said I won't be as "easy" in the future. If I don't see these changes coming soon, I'll look for love somewhere else, I'm not that dumb.

But everything is looking good now! I've admitted to some of the things I've done wrong and so has she. She's told me she wants to change and make things right, and she's admitted she has neglected me these past few months.

TLDR: She admitted to her mistakes and wants to change. I'll keep around unless I see these changes aren't coming.

Dinner: Leftovers from lunch, meatballs, salad and cold tomato soup. I arranged them fancily because I feel happy.

These are oven baked Pizza Bagels. I left them just a little longer than the box said to get a bit of crisp on the mini-pepperonis. Bottom was not badly burnt doing that. Took it out just in time. I try not to microwave these when I can because they get soft in the microwave. I definitely prefer these the crisp way.

I'm alone for another night and needed to get this off of my chest. I feel like a permanently average man. I've been overlooked most of my life. In some respects, I've used that as fuel to try harder in my younger years. I've studied hard, tried to stand out from the crowd. I broke into a very difficult career and have been working at it ever since. But I'm 36 now and I'm looking at my life around me. My friends are out there with their partners (everyone I know is married, I'm literally the only one I know that's single) doing wonderful things, having amazing lives, and I'm coming home to just indulge in some hobbies, stay up a bit too late gaming, sometimes binge a show, then wake up and go to work. It's gotten worse since COVID where I haven't really changed much from those years where everyone was staying at home.

I'm a very introverted person so this doesn't really bother me personally. But I've been putting myself more out there more and with each passing time, the women I've interact with just lose interest. And it dawned on me that I'm single because I just have nothing to offer anyone. I'm just there and I don't think anyone catches romantic feelings for someone that just exists. I fail at the initial dating stage because I don't stand out, like my friends do.

So it's come back from my past when I was perpetually overlooked. Despite my hard work and my career or whatever interest I've developed for myself, I am still just average. Just some guy. I see women on dating apps ask on their profile "what can you offer me?" or women on this website that asks of men "what do you add to my life?" Honestly? Nothing. All I can do is just be there. I can't entertain you because I'm not funny. I can't buy you things because I'm not wealthy. I can't interest you physically because I'm not attractive. I can't impress you with knowledge because I'm not smart and you're probably smarter than me. I don't have fun outgoing hobbies for you to join me in. I don't even have a large friend group anymore because most of my friends at this point are so focused on their partners and their kids. I'm just some guy and I will probably die alone as just some guy that no one really notices.

People have said to me that I can go out there and become a better person. A more interesting person. This feels like advice you give to a 20 year old. I'm 36. I just am who I am at this point. I must stress that I'm not really unhappy with my life. I like the calm and quiet mundane day to day with some casual interest thrown in here and there. But it's not a life that impresses anyone, and the only problem I have with it is that it's lonely. That's all. So I'm not quite sure changing is really honest with anyone, but if being honest means I'll be alone, then I feel like it's a lose lose either way.

My brother is having a wedding so I'll be seeing my Dad for the first time in three years or so. He lied to me and my family repeatedly about said topic leading up to it and then slept with my very intoxicated now ex-girlfriend of 6 years who he had known since we were quite young, until my Mom walked in on a family trip, which was the last time I saw him.

Not sure if I should see him before the wedding or just briefly say something beforehand day of just to let the emotions out before the actual wedding, or just strongman and pretend nothing happened the whole time.

Uber Eats'ed viet noodles

Hello everyone thanks for listening to my story as I unpack a few things here for context and hopefully can get some advice.
Me and my wife are 31 and have been married for 8 years now. Last year we were exploring in the bedroom and decided to add another person to it to make things more fun. We both even downloaded apps to find others and make friends and have fun as that was the whole idea. Were both very open with eachother and we communicate a lot on our wants and desires and both came upon this mutual agreement. This ended up lasting a few months and we both had our dating profiles still up.

Well my wife went to the nail salon and met an ex girlfriend of mine from highschool (15ish years ago) they started talking as they got their nails done and shared this story of what we are doing as a couple.. no big problem at all

Well this girl, lets call her B, has a sister (call her K) who is a really good friend of my sister.
Well B shared with her sister K all this info and shared this dating app that my wife was on, etc. Well that information ended up getting to my sister which then in turn ended up in some sort of operation to confront me about it to say that my wife was cheating on me (which we know this was our personal exploration).

A few days pass and my mom comes to my work (I work alone in a shop) and asks me about this dating profile my wife has. Well I lied and said she was hacked and well report it (obviously wasnt true but I grew up in a really religious background and was afraid to admit what we were doing given its literally no ones business and what comes out of it only affects me and my wife)

My mom drops the whole thing and goes on a 2 week out of the country vacation with my dad.

Well then my sister gives all this information that she found out and tells the rest of my family and my extended family all of our business but twists it a little and just shares that my wife is cheating on me look at these dating profiles…

I ended up having to tell family what we were doing, obviously no one really cared because were all adults here and had to have long discussions about things I didnt really want too with my direct family and ended up shutting out them out for a few months.

After this event took place my wife went into a dark depression spiral for about 2 weeks because my sister tried to ruin our marriage by spreading around rumors to my family and extended family. Completely understandable how my wife felt the way she did.

For the longest time my wife didnt want anyone in my family to have anysort of relationship with my sister because since she was so disrespectful having a relationship with her just shows disrespect to my wife. I personally never really understood this concept but its my wifes words. For a long time I didnt talk to my brother or my other sister and even my parents because if I did my wife would get really bent out of shape because of it.

I havent talked to my other sister for a year now and she just had a baby and me and my wife have small kids ourselves. My wife said if I went to see her in the hospital there would be a war between us.

Other than this small issue that is rarely brought up we are phenomenal.
But this is a big one. Sometimes I feel like I had a death in the family because I cant talk to my sister anymore nor have I. Everyone has moved on from this mishap except my wife.
What do I do? I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hardplace.
We no longer go to any family functions, dont see anyone at christmas or holidays or any other traditions in case my sister shows up.
And if I have my parents watch my kids I have to tell my parents they arent allowed to have my sister show up because my kids arent allowed to see her anymore (which honestly I dont ask my parents to watch my kids anymore because of this)

My wife said she has forgiven everyone and my family has all moved on including myself.

But this one hang up is rough.

We have a wedding coming up and my parents will watch my kids for a few days while we travel but I have to tell them my sister isnt allowed over. (Im not having them watch them because this is ridiculous imo)
So im not even gonna go to this wedding.

Any advice needed. Pickle Hot Cheetos for dinner because I had to work late and im tired af.

Thanks!

Edit: No one was okay with my sisters behavior and neither am I. And no she did not apologize to my wife and I dont know if she ever will.
This entire thing would have been avoided had she come to me directly.

My best friend and I basically stopped talking out of nowhere a few months ago. No argument, no big falling out, he just slowly stopped answering and eventually I quit reaching out.

He texted me this weekend asking if I wanted to grab food and talk. We ended up at this taco place we used to go to all the time.

Turns out his girlfriend really didnt like me and kept telling him I was a bad influence, so instead of telling me any of that he just started distancing himself. They broke up recently and now he wants things to go back to normal.

I missed the guy but sitting there listening to him explain it I realized I'm still pretty pissed. Not sure you can just disappear on someone for months and then pick the friendship back up like nothing happened.

Street tacos

I became a single father with sole custody last year. My ex moved on incredibly quickly and became engaged within a year of leaving. I am now realizing how hard it is going to be to get back out there. Most people my age don't want to be a stepmom. I am genuinely concerned about the future.

Dinner is cacio e pepe pasta with grilled chicken

Not sure where else to post this. My best friend since 2010 and I are basically done being friends. He was best man in my tiny wedding, I was a groomsman in his big wedding. We met at a hobby and even though I moved away, we still kept in touch semi-regularly. He would call me on his way to work or I would call him after work once a week or so, we'd catch up, and that'd be that. Eventually once a week became once a month. Then once every few months.

Over the past few years, he's completely soured on the hobby where we met while I've redoubled my participation in it. It's caused him to become this utterly bitter person. The last time I tried to tell him how I was doing in the organization, he basically reacted in a way that made it clear we weren't really friends anymore, we were just two guys who don't have anything in common anymore and we're trying to hang onto a friendship that used to mean a lot. I told him in so many words that I don't think the bitterness and grudge he's holding onto is healthy and he all but told me to shove off.

It had been like 9 months since the last time he called and if he calls again, I don't think I'm going to answer anymore. It makes me incredibly sad because I've got some really cool things coming up that I'd want him to be a part of and I never pictured them without him.

Dinner is fried chicken, green beans, corn, fries, and these really crazy deep fried sugar biscuit things.

ETA: the hobby is LARPing. Massive nerds the both of us, we bonded over essentially outside-D&D.

Dinner: a sad, lone BK chicken sandwich because it was about all I could manage to eat right about now. No lettuce because I can’t stand the texture of it alongside the chicken. The chicken sandwich was okay though I guess. These things are always better fresh off the fryer tbh.

The title pretty much says it all. It’s a degenerative disease with no known cure, no medicine that could help, and at best treatments would only be a lateral move to make things suck less. To be honest I’m pretty shaken up about it. In theory it didn’t “come out of nowhere” because I know she hasn’t really been 100% herself over the last few months, but in practice placing a name to the issues and what it means for the long-term is terrifying.

The worst part about it outside the actual disease itself is that all this is going on while her mother, my grandmother, is in the middle of what can only gently be described as an ongoing battle with dementia, and I’ve been keeping an eye on her to make sure she’s safe and not burning the house down or hurting herself. It just feels like it’s one thing after another. On top of it I’ve gotta be the strong one in the family because her wife (my step-mom who’s been in my life since I was 4 and was more of a father figure to me than my actual sperm donor was) has also been an absolute mess and I want her to know she’s not alone.

Privately I’ve been crying and sobbing on-and-off for the last 24ish hours since I got the news. The fact that none of us have any real idea of how much time she has left has absolutely hit a raw nerve, especially since I can’t even begin to mentally prepare for the idea of a future where she isn’t around in one capacity or another.

At the moment the best I can do is take it day-by-day and do my best to be an active participant in her life while she’s still here, but I know deep down I’m not ready for this and that fucking terrifies me.

BBQ ribs, roasted carrots, potato salad, yellow beans, corn on the cob.

We were together almost 4 years. So many of my best memories and firsts were by her side. Every vision I had of my future had her at the center of it. She was such a massive piece of my life, my world, my identity. She brought me so much joy, added such electricity to my life, made me feel complete. I was totally in love. And I thought she loved me too. She always said she did.

I should have never let myself get attached like I did. Because now that it's gone, I feel hurt on a level matched only by the amount of love I had for her.

She hooked up with some random dude while we were on vacation with our friend group while she was drunk, and again with one of her brother's loser friends a week before she dumped me (with no reason given, just that she "feels" we should no longer be together, but I'd imagine it's a mixture of guilt and wanting to lean into this more low-commitment lifestyle she seems to desire).

Now everything we built is done. I have to pick up the pieces. I have to create a version of my life that no longer requires her in it.

https://imgur.com/a/NUA97xj

First post, wrote more than I thought lol

My (23m) best friend (26f) of 3.5 years finally sent me a huge paragraph two days ago saying she's stepping back from the friendship, being close friends and hanging out like we have. I asked for some clarification about whether we would still see each other in group settings, and she said she'd like to avoid that - so it's effectively no contact. Not just being "close" friends, but friends in general.

I was already kind of expecting this since she's been seeing someone for a while. He's 10 years older than her and has a ton of trust issues from past relationships. It was pretty obvious her message was directly requested by him as some sort of ultimatum. She mentioned focusing on her relationship several times. For context, they were an on-and-off situationship for about 10 months and he refused to commit until recently. Part of this is because they have small rough patches every two weeks where he gets in his head about his trust issues. He thinks she's too innocent/naive with guys (part of why I saw this coming), and has said that he doesn't want his girl to get 'handled' by other men.

Meanwhile she has accommodated him to an insane degree, informing him of EVERY interaction she has with other guys to reassure him. There was still an occasion recently where he accused her matter-of-factly of checking out some guy in his car when they were out, even though she was genuinely just zoned out and staring into space (he didn't believe her).

She is extremely head over heels for him and probably the most loyal person I know, almost to a fault. She stayed with her ex (my former friend) way longer than anybody else would when he borderline neglected her. Rose-colored glasses would describe her perfectly. Despite some other issues with the new guy (won't get into them for length reasons but our friend-group does NOT like him), he does treat her really well for what it's worth. Therefore, I know there's no chance she would do something to compromise their relationship. I doubt she would ever argue with him or criticize something he says.

I think I'm just slightly confused about why this is all happening *now*. Her phrasing said we were close friends, but I would disagree. I had already been distancing myself a bit out of courtesy. We talk on the phone a few times a week and text each other (not even every day, and if I'm being honest she reaches out first most of the time). Seeing each other in person has been VERY limited as well. She is at his place pretty much every night, and when we DO see each other it is in a group environment 90% of the time. We hang out one-on-one maybe once every two months?

The most recent time was four days ago, it was random and we hung out for an hour while I accompanied her with some errands (SHE asked ME). It was actually pretty fun, we were laughing a lot and she gave no indication that I would be getting that message in two days. During the hangout, he called her. She told him I was there and asked me to say hi. It was the first time we actually interacted, and I thought it went fine even though it was just a few words exchanged. He had already heard a lot about me from her obviously so it's not like I was a stranger. Personally, I think that actually talking to him and hearing my voice gave him something 'tangible' to assign to me. This probably made the "threat" (lol) I pose real to him and presumably the final straw. Also worth mentioning that when they were still slightly new, he told her that our kind of friendship (guy and girl being good friends) was foreign to him.

Goes without saying, but we were never anything but platonic. I feel like I would be posting in bad faith if I didn't say we used to occasionally get the dating accusations that guy-girl friendships get (the most recent accusations were before she even got with this guy, as even back then we weren't hanging as much as we used to). However, we brushed them off as the ridiculous comments that they were. When I first met her, it was already basically cemented that she was going to date my friend. In other words, there wasn't really a chance for feelings to develop in the first place. I also really hate the pathetic nice guy who waits around for the girl trope, and I did not like that being insinuated about me. I genuinely just really valued the friendship.

Anyway. While I am sad about it, I know this kind of stuff happens so I guess I'm just venting. I took the high road as much as possible in my response so that he doesn't have any reason to prove himself right. I was respectful and walked away guilt-free with my integrity intact. I also know that if he ever starts up with his trust issues again, it will be pretty obvious I was never the problem.

I think I mostly just feel bad for her. I'm worried that pretty soon she will be isolated from everyone, and she doesn't have a lot of people to begin with. Even though I wouldn't have considered us 'close' anymore, I was definitely still the closest friend she had. She has also had pretty bad luck in past relationships. Although she obviously doesn't realize that she could do better than him, he is still comparatively better than anything she's had before. So while I know *she* wrote the paragraph, I don't fully blame her for choosing her relationship. It happens

ikea meatballs and mashed potato !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i put more gravy on the meatballs after pic was taken dw they were not dry

I am a 28 year old man whose main hobbies include fighting games (and other assorted video games), hanging out with my cats, comic books and bicycling.

either predominantly men-dominated communities, staying inside, or bicycling which isn't exactly a social event (really just riding past other people when I bike alongside my friend).

Dating apps don't work and I certainly wouldn't bother the women in my life with the task of setting me up with someone. Bit of an introvert which doesn't help, but that doesn't mean I can't try.

I just have no idea what spaces to exist in

Green bean casserole 👁👄👁

I’m starting college tomorrow, left my job to work part time at the Dollar General which is really close to where I live.
I’ve worked there a couple times before briefly and under different management.
I used to go in all the time to shop and the assistant manager and I would flirt subtly back and forth.

The flirting went from subtle to texting back and forth being straight about it, and today she pulled me over in the break room and we made out for about two minutes straight.
She wants to make plans and tells me I make her super horny.

Am I in over my head?
The job isn’t that big of a deal for me

Also, I’m 24 and she’s 31.

UPDATE: she took me to show me how to make the store deposit at the bank and pulled into a graveyard on the way back. We hooked up, came back and I clocked out and asked my manager to transfer me stores. I still have my job.
Tbh I wasn’t that into it and it was awkward.
Lesson learned, had my fun, it’s over now.

​

Meal: Fettuccine with seafood and fried tomatoes.

Today my girlfriend of more than 2 years made a big step in regaining to be able to trust again.

We both met in a self help group for divorced/left spouses. Long story short, my wife left me and my daughter for her affair partner after bluntly telling me she always was lesbian and I am the problem.

Got really bad after but with the help of a very observant social worker and a person I never thought would have my back filing a witness statement about the false allegations my ex made to gain custody after the abandonment, I received full custody. Crazy enough, it helped me move on even easier. Only hiccup is my ex dodging child support but honestly, f that.

My girlfriend's husband had multiple affairs and she only found out when he left his account logged in the tablet. She literally saw the affair happening in real time. Talk about ptsd inducing stuff.

Anyway, she has serious trust issues to this day even with therapy. Some things just stay with you.

I knew it from the beginning. But I grew up in a very tight nit household and my parents aren't people who think "privacy". They are literally privacy communists 😅 but they always asked before invading. And they asked a lot. Still do.

Well, for about a year now my girlfriend and her therapist worked on her impulsive need to check but having my parents around (they love her, opposite to my ex) doesn't help, to put it mildly. Adding my own attitude to my privacy, which doesn't exist, my girlfriend had a hard time with keeping her own self imposed boundaries when she got into her own head or was triggered by something.

Today it happened. She crossed out the 31st day on the calendar of the fridge. She is so proud of herself but also somehow mourns the fact that she is like that. The last few days were hard for her. I came home late one day and forgot to call ahead. One time I took the kids to the park with her ex (wild story, but he is admittedly the worst husband but a great father to his kids and actually a great "step dad" to my daughter). This man is a conundrum on legs.

Anyway, we sent the kids to my parents and will celebrate tonight. Because fuck trust issues and fuck anxiety.

As I can't really tell our friends, because some things are private even for me, you lot have to suffer me being proud of my girlfriend. Let's see if she can continue on her self imposed journey. In my mind there will be no failure anyway, no matter if she "snoops" again or not.

Thanks for listening to this stupid guy.

EDIT): thank you so much for al your support and encouraging words. I showed the post to my girlfriend and she likes to let you know that she is really happy that this little progress got do much nice and loving comments.

There are so many comments I can't reply to them all, but thank you all, I appreciate the support.

I will try to answer some of the comments who had questions because I don't want let you hanging.

As for the evening yesterday? Let's just say, parents with more than one week of experience know what happens if you have 4 kids who are all excited and one of them being very sensitive. But we got the dinner time alone before the call came.

Thanks a lot.

Had some burger king for lunch earlier today. I'm really grateful for this community and others like it. I'm working through trauma and having to teach myself a lot because my parents were not willing to. I am having to learn what it's like to be an adult also as a trans man I'm learning what healthy masculinity is. I usually just lurk here lol, but there have been quite a few posts I have read that made me feel less alone. It's nice to see a community where men are able to be vulnerable. I like reading and learning new perspectives people have. I put advice wanted because I'm open to advice on how to be an emotionally mature adult, learning this at 22 and unlearning the toxicity my parents taught me is challenging lol.

tw for emotional abuse in a romantic relationship, I guess.

It had been seven years since my ex put me in a medically induced coma over shutting off his PC on accident, and I decided then that trusting people just wasn't for me.

During those seven years, I stayed single. I healed and grew. Found myself. Stayed a bit reclusive, a little untrusting, but told myself it was my new normal and got comfortable in it. Then I met him.

It was a stupid thing in a video game that went from hanging out in the same guild to talking late every night to logging in just to find him waiting next to me where I was idling in the city center. I'd never felt so loved, appreciated, and seen.

The next three years leading up to today have been a whirlwind.

It took almost a year for me to get him to voice call with me. There were lots of nervous half-faced selfies hiding behind hands and slow divulgence of secrets, past traumas, fears about the future.

We promised not to bail on each other. We knew we'd have challenges ahead: relocating, coming out to my family, learning a new person and all the complicated, messy, beautiful things that come with it. We live on separate continents and we both have family issues and past trauma. But we had long, deep talks and agreed we wanted this. That we wouldn't give up on each other, and that we'd make it work no matter what the world threw at us. He became my person.

Then the fights started and never really stopped.

I don't even know how to describe what fighting with him is like. A close friend of mine told me to remember, "you're not fighting him in those moments, you're fighting the mental illness."

I guess that's it, huh.

He would say something terribly hurtful, always after I crossed an undisclosed boundary, and then I'd try to explain to him why the hurtful thing was hurtful, only for him to explain that, actually, I deserved it, because I did xyz. Except I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do xyz, so I'd tell him to just tell me if he needed something or didn't like something next time, and I'd respect it. He never got that far. He was chronically late to dates I set up with him and he was boldly unapologetic every time. "Okay, well, it's only eight minutes??" Yes, but... it was eight minutes of me sitting, waiting, wondering if he'd show up at all. When I'm excited for something, I show up on time. I apologise if I waste someone's time. And if I think something scheduled might slip my mind - I set an alarm.

He never once even considered any of these things options.

When he would concede, it was after I begged him to understand and listen - sometimes for up to six hours - and then it was a flat, annoyed, "fine, I'm sorry" sometimes with a sarcastic "I guess it's just all my fault again" tacked onto the end.

Eight months ago, I demanded he go to therapy and get help. He did.

Every single week, he puts the appointment on our shared calendar, and I check in to ask how it's going, what they talked about (emphasizing that he only has to share if he really wants to), and he always does. He tells me what they explored, how he's feeling, and what progress he's made.

Sometimes, during fights, he uses it against me. "Look at how much I'm doing for you, going to therapy every week." and I try to remind him that, no, he's going to therapy for him, to lead a better, safer, more stable life - but if not pushing me away and lashing out constantly is the catalyst, then okay. I'm glad. And other times, after therapy, he tells me he's feeling really proud of himself and motivated to do better. That what they explored really taught him a lot about himself.

Two weeks ago, he told me he's never been to therapy.

This was after we'd spent two full days fighting over his decision to change our plans to relocate, finally, at long last, to be together. He said he just needed to move his mom into his house instead and that the decision was already made with his sister, and just never disclosed to me, his partner of three years. After two days of knowing something was wrong and feeling hurt and abandoned over him changing plans we'd made and been discussing for years, he admitted that he's lived with his mom the entire time. That there was no move-in for her planned for the end of the year. That's when I asked his therapist's name and he couldn't supply one. I asked for a photo of the mood stabilizing medication he told me he'd gotten on. He couldn't supply one. I asked for a photo of the inhaler he told me he'd gotten. He couldn't supply one.

I stayed.

For some pathetic fucking reason, maybe just sunk cost fallacy, I told him I appreciated him being honest now and I understood that he was embarrassed about these things and we'd figure it out.

Last night, I had a crisis and called him at 3am, crying softly and profusely apologizing.

I didn't realize how much of myself I'd lost.

He screamed at me for an hour and then told me I deserved it. I cried and my voice shook when I told him I was going to end the call. When I woke up this morning, I had a text from him letting me know that he hopes I know he's not upset with me for what I did and he forgives me.

Today, I told him I need space.

Tomorrow will be the first day in three years without speaking to him.

I love him and he says he loves me.

I've never felt more alone and unloved in my life.

Truffle butter filet mignon with leek-mashed potatoes & carrots