Body: Something has been on my mind lately, and I’ve been quietly praying about it. 🤍

I’d really appreciate it if you guys could keep me in your duas and pray that it works out for me, if it’s خير for me. 🤲🏼

I hope I’ll be able to share some good news with you soon, inshaAllah. 🤍

Salam everyone! On July 19th I had my first ever panic attack. My heart was racing and my body was shaking and I couldn’t explain what was going on. I just genuinely thought something bad was going to happen to me. All I could think was “I still have my student loan to pay off”. It’s been over a month and I’ve gotten my heart checked out and nothing’s been found wrong at all but ever since that day, I’ve been having horrible thoughts about my life ending. And it makes me feel guilty. I think about what would happen to my loan if I don’t pay it off, and how much of a sin that is. And then I think, “am I that attached to the dunya?” And I think “I’ve always wanted to get married and start a family” and I’m scared I won’t get that.

I just want my normal life back, where I’m not so anxious anymore. If anyone’s ever been through something similar, please let me know and please keep me in your duas and I’ll do the same for you!

A few months ago I started talking to a guy online,I knew it was wrong but our conversations were innocent(haram nonetheless I know),we talked about books politics,movies.We started to confide in eachother,the more we started talking we both fell in love,calling everyday texting everyday.But then he confessed to me that he is bipolar with paraphrenia,he would have episodes while we are on call sometimes and they used to be very violent,he would punch himself and then wake up scared asking me why he is bleeding,he had two personalities that were “devils”.His ancestors come from a history of being witches,which ofcourse he does not support.His grandma did some sort of ritual on him and locked him in a dark room for a month,when he came out he was almost blinded in one eye and he had these two devil personalities.I have been making dua every single day,he ended things when he got worse and i cry everyday because of it.I know it’s wrong but believe me we really wanted to get married,his father knew of me and I wanted to tell my father about it aswell.Durint one of his episodes I figured out he had a personality disorder which he kept secret from me(DID).His father and cousin put ideas in his head that he is not suitable for marriage,yet he’s perfectly capable of having a job,doing multiple internships,going to uni,having friendships,driving.I was talking to his cousin one night about the grandma,and 10 minutes later she died at 108,this was last month when the earthquake in Egypt happend.After that I called him even tho we were over to see if he was okay,he was throwing up blood but the devil was gone,but the second guy was still there,after praying and praying the other “devil” left aswell.He seems to be doing better now I can see he’s working from his linkedn page but his dad has his mobile device and it’s hard for me to talk to him.I know all of this is wrong,yet I love him intensely,and I know he loves me too because even during these episodes when he is barely conscious he cries mumbling “I wish we could be married.i love you”Im sorry for ranting,before you judge me.please know I already am so ashamed.Please make dua for me and him,for both of our health,I cannot sleep at night from how fast my heart beats.Please pray his heart softens for me because even if he gets better my fear is he will be consumed by guilt and he won’t try to make things right either way,Please make dua that his dads heart softens for me aswell