Have you ever looked at every person around you thinking they all have at least one safe person to that they can look up to? everyone seems to have at least one friend or one family member or whoever that they can be themselves with, truly themselves or at least a good percentage of their true self (not sure how I would define that but yeah).
Well, I have never had that, like ever. Maybe the closest to that would be my mom and sisters but that’s pretty much it and it’s very partial.
I always longed to meet someone with whom I could truly be my most authentic self but since I have been unmasking since my childhood due to extreme abuse, it’s very hard, nearly impossible.
So, the loneliness and hatred for others have been growing forever since I was young. I would never say it to others that I hate them but truly, if all the people I know were to disappear tomorrow, I wouldn’t care at all. If you’ve read the book No longer Human by Dazai, well it’s what i relate to the most.
I truly have never genuinely and authentically cared for someone during my 22 years of existence, although i’ve been unconsciously longing for it.
That’s until I met, 2 months ago, a certain guy. This certain guy has, for the first time of my existence made me change this belief that, if everyone were to disappear, I would not feel anything. We had a situationship for almost 2 months and he recently told me he was not into me anymore after spending the most beautiful and intense 2 months of my life. I am therefore going through my first heartbreak ever at this moment.
I am not quite sure how a heartbreak is supposed to feel like but the way I feel right now is unexplainable.
I had met many guys and always got into situationships but never really got attached on this level. I got attached though, but nothing compared with this certain guy.
To be honest, meeting him was like if I was born again. No actually, like if I was born for the first time, as if I had never lived before. For the first time in my entire life, I felt alive. I felt understood, heard, cared about, and for the first time, I didn’t feel ashamed of living, ashamed to talk, to listen, to walk in the streets, to say anything. He was the most beautiful soul I had ever met, he made me better in every way, I started being more myself with other people, reading more, educating myself more, treating others better, judging people less etc… he made me understand the parts of myself that i hated and made me feel ok with these parts.
He looked at me in a way that made me feel like I mattered. I could look at him in the eyes and say ‘I can’t feel attached to any human being and never will and I don’t believe in the concept of relationships cause humans are selfish’ and he would laugh and agree and we would spend nights and nights and nights outside on the same bench stargazing and discussing such topics both agreeing we would never find our soulmate on this earth and that love was useless and an illusion.
He never ever talked about himself first in a conversation, he never forgot to ask me every night if i felt safe enough to sleep tonight cause he knew i had insomnia, he remembered things about me i can’t even remember myself.
I have many friends, many people you can consider I can thrive around socially. Yet, I’m not attached to them, I can’t understand how they can get attached to me, they think they know me but they don’t cause I’m always masking, therefore they don’t know the real me.
Him. He knew the real me. For the first time of my existence, I tangibly, literally, got conscious of unmasking. Of showing who I am. And we shared similarities in every possible way of thinking.
He said we practically dating, we planned vacation together, he met my whole family, knows everything about me, but randomly ghosted me and finally said he was not into me anymore.
From the beginning, I knew it was dangerous to get attached because of religion differences and future long distance between us that would get established but the feeling of existing was so addictive.
The first weeks, I was so avoidant and someone getting interested in me ? it felt disgusting and oddly unusual that something felt wrong, it felt as I was watching myself from someone else’s point of view looking at myself and mocking me like “why do you act nice with him, why are you excited to see him, why do you want to kiss him…” but i got over this and wanted to change, for him and for good.
Now, I want to throw up every second, I haven’t eaten a proper meal for weeks, my life has no purpose, I just want to sleep to forget. I’m experiencing the biggest meltdown ever. Everything I see makes me think about him and of how happy i was, going from 100 to 0. It was the first time I ever dared to trust someone in my life, the first time I ever felt safe and understood the word “safe”. I think I can move on in a few weeks but not only i am grieving this situationship and the asshole he is but maybe also the person I was for the first time with him, the feelings i could feel for the first time and maybe the love that i could get a taste of.
Anyway, yes there was lovebombing for sure, yes he had many redflags, yes I might have been only a challenge to him and yes he disappeared after me wanting to fully commit but that is truly not the question honestly …
My question to the one who is reading this:
Please, how can I move on from this, I feel like dying but in a way it’s insane, I feel dead, truly. I want to feel alive again.