I'm 24 (he him) and theyr a 22 nonbinary (they them )

______________________

I've had two situationships before and now, in my activist group, me and my friend had a slow burn and after 2 yrs of friendship and 1 yr of growing shy flirting. We officially started dating.

Weve been officially dating for more than 2 weeks. They have uni and casual work and I have my studies three days a week . I'm scared BC I actually like them enough to cry if I break up wt them or they break up wt me, and I feel like we have great fun and downtime, cozy time and misadventures. But we usually hang around once a week. Likely BC I'm too proud and nervous to ask them to hang out more often than that. And they don't usually ask me as much as I ask them 😭

They're a great communicator and they're healthy minded AF and I like to think I am too.

So I know they don't find me clingy or weirdly avoidant BC they'd tell me . But I feel like I'm sooo clingy BC I'm asking them to hang out and working my way around making time to hang out (I'm unemployed, I HV time outside of my studies) but they're trudging through uni and have other obligations.

I also feel so avoidant, I'm Tryna be aloof and not asking them to hang out too much BC I'm nervous they will get put off by that BC it's happened in situationship number one. I also don't want to put them off by being too distant and then they'd forget about me BC they have five other ppl, also I might just end up thinking abt them too much and then they will forget me and I would develop more feelings BC I would be thinking about them since I have anxious attachment issues I'm working through.

HELP MEEEE

**Also my sister thinks that my friend having 5 partners is too much and our relationship is mismatched BC I would need more attention than that.

I don't want to give them up but I would if it's to avoid further heartbreak. I feel like if we break up it'll heart alot more than my last. What's more is that we're queer and I hear all the time queer break ups are insanely hurtful BC we get so attached so quick ( omggggg help me not feel like I'm a loser dating a mature relationship pro 😭😭)

I've heard my partner back track with me on if I am using them when we recently had a conflict and it's been an icky thing in my mind since. Then his other partner broke up with him through text and he is in the still hurt face as it's fresh af. Now he's thinking she broke up after he wasn't paying her for her dance lessons which she is a certified instructor with a studio, and stopped making her dinners he paid for is how he's feeling. Both make me go ew. I did mention it and he rationalized it like I know you(me) aren't using me but maybe she isn't either but it feels like it now after I've been putting money towards other things and less towards her.

I'm health struggling and have the capacity of a toddler but it's temporary and want some outside thoughts before I bring it up in my own therapy. We've already had conflict in a way I feel staying now is self betrayal. Agreed to come home and "make it work" recently but still hesitant in the back and this breakup also makes me perk my eyes and ears up. This is all under a year and really making me think at the end of this one I better be out of this house and moved on my own. Currently on medical leave and return in october.

And yes in therapy.

This is pre therapy lol the first draft

Hello poly folks, I’m looking for advice in a very shitty situation.
Long story short I F28 have a relationship with my long distance (2h) partner of 2 years M34. We’ve been poly since the beginning but he has much more poly experience than me 6 vs 2 basically (even if I was in a previous open relationships before the communication was not there).
Recently we had a huge fight about différents things leading us to take a break from polyamory on my demand. I was so exhausted because of a very intense year of poly relationships on both sides and he agreed to it as we didn’t have any partner at the moment. Few days before the break he confessed to me having a crush on his temporary roommate (she’s staying one month). As we had a no roommate rule I was very unsecured by his transparency. He didn’t know if this crush was reciprocated and told me he hadn’t time or energy for a new relationship right now as he just broke up with a partner. The same day we had this conversation about closing our relationship for 3 month, his roommate came to him to tell him that she had a huge crush on him. I didn’t know about this story for two weeks as we don’t live together and he didn’t want to have this kind of conversation by phone. He lived two weeks in the same house as her and they even went on a hike together. After two weeks we saw each other and he announced me that he had a crush on his roommate and that he started developing feeling for her, and even that he was in love with her. He told me he couldn’t do anything as they are living together and that it was a big crush that he couldn’t ignore. When I told him it was not ok at all with the break he told me that we had different views on when a relationship is starting and that nothing physical happened. He then told me he couldn’t stop seeing her, otherwise he would be too sad and too disappointed to miss this opportunity and that will have some consequences on our relationship. I decided to stop the break because we tried to find a compromise but I didn’t want to be controlling and play the bad guy for their relationship.
I’m fucking hurt and I have the feeling that he doesn’t feel responsible for the whole situation because « he can’t control his feelings ». I know he’s feeling sorry about the whole situation and he put extra effort in our relationship since then but my trust in him is completely gone and as long as he’s not taking the whole responsibility of his actions I can’t really move on. I feel like I’m being gaslighted sometimes because he’s more experienced than me and I’m not feeling good at all about the situation.
Please I’m looking for some advice to move on, making him see the situation more from my side and also advice to manage the beginning of this new relationship which is developping in shity conditions.
Thaaaanks

Just.... having a ponder, here.

I'm wondering if most who practice KTP//GPP//similar~ or at least don't really do parallels tend to experience less jealousy? Or something to that effect?

Not entirely sure what my question is lmao. Honestly i think i just have a hard time imagining how people find security when they know little to nothing of their metas.

Personally, "Garden Party Poly" is my comfort zone and I'll probably only ever see people who are in the same,,, ,, , garden. Not judging anyone who prefers otherwise but i am *curious* why you prefer it that way. I can imagine how it may fit better in certain lifestyles and especially solo poly but outside of that i don't really gEt it?

Again, just speaking for myself here, i deeply value my people and by extension i deeply value their people. It would be weird to me not to at least meet a partner's partner in the same way it would be weird to not at least meet their best friends.

Even if i weren't to meet them I'd kind of expect to hear about them a lot? Like that shows me things about my partner too and i love that. I understand not everyone is going to feel complete and unadulterated compersion all the time but that's kinda part of the deal anyways.

I know this isn't how it works but parallelism as a baseline just feels like pretending to me. So i guess I'm wondering how it's done and what sort of feelings and boundaries and nuance are involved? Not including parallel-per-request scenarios where meta drama ends up taking a toll on you/relationship to hinge type thing. Curious about those whose comfort zone is parallels.

Thanks in advance for any insight! Genuinely just curious. I'm hoping if i understand it better, it will provide some tools i don't have xx

Part of me thinks I'm overthinking, part of me thinks I'm missing something. So I'm asking you lovely people for help.

My birthday is coming up. My (38/m) girlfriend Mya (41/f) is planning something that my friends and family are going to be at. She asked my FWB Darla (41/f) to help her with the planning. Mya and I are primaries, we have shared obligations and are planning on getting married. Darla and I have a much more casual relationship, we try to see each other once a week (twice if we can), go on dates and have even talked about weekend trips. Occasionally Mya, Darla and myself will go out together. Despite our label I am quite fond of Darla as a person and don't try to make her a dirty secret. I'm a private person, especially when it comes to my love life, but the people expected to be there either know I'm polyam or I'd be comfortable with them knowing. Almost all of them already know Mya, but only a few know Darla.

My question is how you would go about how to introduce Darla to friends and family. Do I say she's a partner? Or just friends? Anybody else go through this? How was your experience? Am I just overthinking this? Or is there more that I'm not considering? TIA lovely people of r/polyamory!

I'm looking for some perspective from other poly people because I'm having a hard time figuring out what a reasonable response to this situation is.

For privacy, all names are fake. I'll call my partner Kay, the couple he's seeing Harley and Jeff, and my former primary partner Paul.

Kay and I are primary partners. He has a relationship with Harley and Jeff, and I still have a relationship with Paul.

I'm completely fine with Kay having other relationships. That's not really the issue here.

Kay has known Harley since high school, so there's an established friendship there in addition to whatever their relationship has developed into.

I haven't met Harley or Jeff yet. I have some reservations about them based on things I've heard and observed secondhand, including some concerns about cleanliness and hygiene. Kay knows about those reservations and has asked me to meet them. I've been willing to because I recognize that I haven't actually met them and don't want to make a final judgment about people I don't know. Scheduling just hasn't worked out yet.

The bigger issue is communication and the agreements Kay and I have made around other partners.

One of our big things has been communicating about plans with other partners. Neither of us needs permission to see someone else, but I don't want to be blindsided or find out about things after plans have already been made.

We also talked specifically about overnights with Harley and Jeff. We agreed that Kay seeing them wasn't a problem, but if he was going to spend the night, we'd prefer that happen when I was already out of town.

I'm out of town fairly regularly, usually about two weekends a month, so there are normally plenty of opportunities for that.

I also try to follow the communication standard I'm asking for.

I still see Paul fairly regularly because we have hobbies and interests that overlap, usually at least once a month and sometimes more. Any time I'm going to spend time with Paul, Kay knows about it beforehand.

It doesn't matter whether Paul and I are going to be intimate or we're literally just hanging out because of a shared hobby. I communicate it because that's what I understood our agreement to be.

Lately, I don't feel like I'm getting the same communication in return.

The current issue is a concert.

There's a concert coming up that Kay and I had specifically talked about.

We had also talked about that particular weekend because there was an event I could have gone to. Kay specifically asked me not to go because he wanted me to be around that weekend.

He also specifically asked me about this concert, and I told him I thought it would be cool to go.

Then I found out he'd made plans to go to the concert with Harley and Jeff and spend the night with them afterward.

When we talked about it, Kay said he thought I was going to be gone that weekend.

That's one of the parts I'm struggling to understand because he specifically asked me not to go to the event that weekend. I don't understand how we got from "I'd like you to stay home that weekend" to him thinking I wasn't going to be there.

It also matters because our understanding was that overnights with Harley and Jeff would preferably happen when I was already out of town.

I also don't think he would have proactively told me about the plans if they hadn't come up the way they did. That's probably bothering me as much as the plans themselves.

It felt like I wasn't part of the communication process. I was just being informed of a decision that had already been made.

There's some relationship context that makes this more complicated.

Kay and I have been having some challenges recently. There are things we're actively trying to work through, and I've already been feeling unheard and dismissed in some areas of our relationship.

Our relationship is hierarchical in the sense that we consider each other primary partners. I'm not saying that means I should automatically get priority in every situation or that his other relationships aren't real or important.

But I'm struggling with watching him put time and energy into developing his relationship with Harley and Jeff while I'm feeling like our own relationship needs more attention.

If Kay and I were in a really strong place right now, I honestly don't know that this would be hitting me as hard.

Instead, I already feel disconnected from him, and now I'm watching him plan experiences and overnights with other partners while feeling like I'm asking for more connection and consideration in our own relationship.

Kay did offer a compromise.

After I told him I was upset, he offered to buy tickets for the two of us to see the same concert the night before.

Then he'd go again the following night with Harley and Jeff and spend the night with them.

I can see that he's trying to find a solution, and I appreciate that.

But emotionally, it still feels like they get the original plan and I get a second version because I was upset.

The actual concert isn't that important. If my problem were simply "I want to see this band," another set of tickets would solve everything.

What hurts is that Kay asked me about the concert, I told him I wanted to go, he asked me to stay home that weekend, and then he made plans to go with them and spend the night.

Only after I was upset did plans for us happen.

I keep coming back to this:

I don't need him to make things up to me afterward as much as I need him to consider me beforehand.

When conversations we've specifically had seem to get forgotten or overlooked, especially when the result is plans being made with another partner, I feel really unheard.

I also don't want to have to make something into a huge deal before it registers as important. I told him I'd like to go to the concert. We talked about that weekend. We talked about overnights.

I don't think I should have to say those things five different ways for them to factor into his decisions.

This is also affecting how I feel about meeting Harley and Jeff, and I know that's something I need to be careful about.

They may have absolutely no idea about any of this. They may not know I wanted to go to the concert or what Kay and I discussed about that weekend. They may not know anything about our conversations around overnights.

Ultimately, this is an issue between Kay and me.

But because their relationship with Kay keeps becoming connected in my head with feeling excluded or blindsided, I'm finding myself less interested in meeting them. I don't want that resentment to build, especially toward people who may not have actually done anything wrong.

So this is where I need advice.

I could accept Kay's compromise. We go to the concert together the night before, then he goes with Harley and Jeff the following night and spends the night with them. I worry I'll spend our night feeling like I'm getting the consolation version, though.

I could tell him to keep his original plans and try to work through my feelings about it. But I'm worried that I'm just swallowing something that's actually indicative of a larger communication problem.

Or I could tell him that I want him to cancel the concert and overnight with Harley and Jeff because of how this was handled and because I think our relationship needs attention right now.

That's the option I'm most conflicted about.

I don't want "I'm the primary partner" to become a trump card. I don't want to control Kay's other relationships. And I especially don't want Harley and Jeff to lose plans because of an issue that may be entirely between Kay and me.

At the same time, I'm gone roughly two weekends every month. We specifically talked about those being the preferred times for overnights. I don't understand why this particular overnight needs to happen when I'm home, especially on a weekend when Kay specifically asked me to be home.

And part of me wonders whether I'm focusing too much on the concert when the real question is bigger.

If our primary relationship is struggling, should we be talking about how much energy we're each putting into other relationships while we repair ours?

Is asking him to cancel this particular plan a reasonable response to an agreement and communication issue, or would that be unfairly exercising couple's privilege/hierarchy over Harley and Jeff?

Should I accept the alternative concert night as a genuine attempt at repair, even though it doesn't address why I wasn't considered in the first place?

And how do I keep my frustration with Kay's choices from turning into resentment toward Harley and Jeff before I've even met them?

I don't want to control my partner, and I don't want him to stop having other relationships. I also don't want to convince myself that feeling consistently unheard or secondary is something I just have to accept because we're poly.

I'd really appreciate perspectives from people who have navigated hierarchy, primary partnerships, and situations where one relationship is struggling while another is developing.

What would you consider a reasonable way to handle this?

I’m in a MFM-V and I’m the hinge. My longer term partner was co-workers/friends with my newer partner first. He introduced us and encouraged us when it was obvious we were romantically compatible. Super compersion wingman energy.

We all live together now. They are still best friends. Their relationship is important too. I find myself using the advice aimed at throuples/triads just as much as what I see focused on Vs. The stuff on hinging feels relevant, but so does the concept of ‘It’s 4 relationships’.

Please be kind. I am a bit lost.

Relationship shape: he is with both of us independently, and all of us are allowed to have as many partners as we want.

I don't know what to do! I would have agreed if she had not reacted this way. Why block me if she is on board? And why me? I didn't do it anything. Maybe she should have blocked him?!

My relationship with him is amazing and we were very close friends before this transition. I want him in my life and I think his presence helps me in many ways and makes me a better person.

I feel a lot of negativity from her block (we were friends on FB and occasionally interacted).

My polycule (three men, two women and myself AMAB non-binary, but leans fem on Halloween) goes to a Halloween kink event each year.

Last year we did a group costume of the powerpuff girls (the make up of the polycule has changed a bit). It was so popular we ended up being asked to attend a second Halloween party and had to alter the costumes to be vanilla.

We are trying to decide on this year’s costume (I was HIM).

Any ideas?

I thought a lot about writing this, but I really need to understand what happened. Almost a year ago, I met a man whom I fell deeply in love with. We had a lot of chemistry from the beginning. He told me he was poly (I am monogamous), and for some reason, it didn’t bother me. I liked that he was honest; I was coming from “monogamous” relationships where they always cheated, and honestly, I was fed up. This person and I met abroad, but we both lived in different countries. Then we spent two wonderful months together and started dating. Although it made him insecure that I was monogamous, and vice versa, we believed it could work. We were willing to try.

After that, even though we were long-distance, things worked and we were very much in love. He told me he was flirting with another girl, but one of the times I traveled to his country, I met her. And I think I had never read a person so well before. Even though she is “poly,” because of her attitude toward me, I felt that she wanted him and me to break up and for her to become his primary partner. He said he didn’t practice hierarchy. There were many attitudes from this other person that threw me off. I tried to talk about it with my partner several times, to explain to him that I didn’t trust her, that I knew he was poly and respected that, but that something about her simply made me feel like I wasn’t safe. But he dismissed my fears every time, and he got triggered, thinking that I was only reacting that way out of jealousy.

When I returned to my country, it coincided with him getting a new, extremely demanding job, and he barely had time to communicate with me like he used to. But on the other hand, I saw that he was seeing her more and more; by that point, they were already sleeping together. When I asked him if it was strong NRE or what the reason was for his distancing himself from me, he said it was because of work, but he changed a lot with me. He was practically another person. IDK, I felt l needed for him to go slow. He basically left me alone to deal with all of that because he was extremly busy and maybe l was asking for a lot of reassurance (l regret that, and even feel guilty about it).

To keep a long story short, three times I was going to travel to see him, and three times he canceled on me because the other person was going to be there (because of work-related circumstances), and he didn’t want things to be uncomfortable for any of the three of us. But she wasn’t his official girlfriend; they were just seeing “what happened,” even though I knew she wanted me out and took more and more advantage of the distance between him and me, and even put ideas in his head against me. And still, I, the official girlfriend, was pushed aside. The relationship he was sacrificing was mine. Even though he didn’t believe in hierarchies, I felt that he was prioritizing her by canceling on me.

One day he simply broke up with me, only a month before he coming to visit me and spend time together to compensate for the previous cancelation, saying that he thought we were incompatible because I expected a level of communication that he couldn’t give me (even though I could see that he did spend a lot of time with her), that he still loved me, he even cried, and that he didn’t think he could handle a relationship right now. When I asked him then why he had a relationship with her, he said it wasn’t like that, that they weren’t dating. After I cried and, unfortunately, begged, I was desperate, he told me he would think about it for a few days, although he didn’t think he would change his mind.

Then he simply ghosted me and officially started dating her, literally immediately. It makes me feel like the seven months of our relationship meant nothing, that I didn’t matter, that he didn’t even care that he had hurt me, not even a message. From day one, he looks happy in his new relationship.

I never wanted to change him. I never asked him for exclusivity. I only asked him for respect, commitment, for us to take care of our time together, our plans together (nothing that hadn’t existed before). I even stopped asking him to be his primary relationship, which was important to me, at least in the begining, in order to feel safe, especially because it was my first experience with polyamory with him. I wanted us to find a middle ground where we would both feel happy and where our needs would be met. I simply kept adapting more and more because I didn’t want to lose him, and in the end, he just discarded me.

I want to understand what happened. I know that I have to give myself closure, but it really drives me crazy trying to make sense of it. It has been two months, and my heart is still in pieces. What did I do wrong?

Sorry, english is not my first language. Thanks for reading :'(

I’m very new to polly. I started a wonderful new dynamic in June with a friend. I am hosting a party this Thursday and have been put in the position of having to choose between partners and friends.

My friend S of the last two years has decided that he no longer wants to be in polyamorous relationships. He was dating my friend M over the past nine months and they had group play with my current partner A. S didn’t see them as dating and thought it was all a casual encounter. This has it my friend M incredibly hard to the point where she does not want to be anywhere near him. M dates my partner A as well. I met both M and A through S.

I feel very close to A and M, even though I’ve known S longer. M, A, and I have been planning a wholesome party for this Thursday at my house where I live alone, for a while now. The two of them have stated that they will not attend if S come.

It was my hope that telling S that would lead to him bowing out, but he has done the opposite and is now insisting on coming. I do genuinely hope for A and M to come, but I don’t want this to lead to a loss of friendships with S. Am I wrong for asking him not to come?

I'm a 30-something gay man who has been interested in polyamory for some time. I've always felt stifled and unfulfilled in relationships, even when they were open. I found that denying myself the option to explore romantic feelings with other people was simply antithetical to my values and worldview.

That said, I'm having trouble defining the way I want to approach romantic relationships. Obviously a specific label isn't strictly necessary, but it could certainly be helpful.

Basically, I view romantic relationships the same way I view friendships. Both individuals are free to do whatever they want with whomever they want, with zero obligation to inform the other party of their other relationships. I want us to accept a sort of natural ebb and flow in terms of how much time/energy we can give to each other, based either on interest or other commitments. I have zero desire to marry, cohabitate, or otherwise intertwine my life with another person. It's corny, but I think the word "lover" is the closest thing to what I'd be looking for in my partners.

Solo poly certainly seems to fit, but even that may imply a level of commitment I'm not looking for. Relationship anarchy sounds interesting, but I would definitely prioritize people I have romantic feelings for over those I don't. Maybe the best word for someone like me is simply "single" 😂

Does any of this resonate with anyone else?

Hi everybody! I’m 21 (f) and recently opened my 3 year relationship with my 23 (m) boyfriend. It’s been going well so far and currently I’m the only one with another partner 22 (m). I guess I’m just curious as to what systems can be used for future reference and any advice you guys might have for me☺️! Also curious to know if there are any polyamorous family’s out there with multiple kids or something like that and how that worked for you guys?

Hello guys I've been dating this person for a while now but idk how to break it up to them that I wanna try being poly I've just always been curious but I don't wanna ruin our relationship I just wanna hear some tips about how yall went about being poly and how to actually make it work bc I heard the hardest part is actually making it healthy and working out for a long time

Edit: thank you all so much for the tips, they were all very helpful. I will try talking to my partner tomorrow since we will be hanging out at my place. Wish me luck yall ill update yall if it works out 🥺💝

To give context, I (28F) have been dating (lets call him tom) for about 3 years and we had been partners for 1. He is in a poly marriage and they have the best dynamic and form of communication. In the beginning of all of this he let me know that he does not want anything serious and there is a limit to where he can go when it comes to him giving what he can. I understood that and knew what i was getting into from the beginning. As time progressed we have hung out ALOT! We had trips together, i have been to a few parties and met all of his friends and he met mine things were great! Until recently. We went to chicago for a festival ( toms first time going out of the state with any other partner besides his wife) and it was amazing we had a blast. However we rolled one of the days and i stopped taking my meds a week before so i can feel the affects, and around the 4th day i was not feeling great. I was nauseous, sad, overthinking it was bad. After a few days when we got back i started to decline even more. I started to feel dizzy for weeks nonstop and depressed and i wasnt right. Found out i was having withdrawals from stopping my meds cold turkey and once i figured that out i got back on them and slowly started to feel better. I was still dizzy but it was manageable.

So we had a date lined up to catch up on things and i expressed how my energy levels were still off and i was still a little dizzy but i was good enough to be out and do stuff. Later that day we decided to do more and we ended up going to this pool bar near his house. Walking in he noticed a girl he has been dating there ( one of my bounderies we established was that if we were ti be around anyone else that he dates or someone he wants me to meet that could lead to ya know a good time, i need to know in advance, i like to go into those situations with the right energy) so we walk up and say hi and he invited her to play with us. He did ask me if i was okay with it and i said i was ( which i was but in my mind we were gonna play a few games). The night went one i played and won a few games and i chose not to drink because i was not feeling 100 percent but they both were and i started to tap outand sat while they continued to play more. He kept asking me if i was okay and i kept saying i was but really i was hurting more and more and i could have been vocal about it but he was having a good time and i put his good time before my feelings. We got there at 5 and i decided to leave at 10:30. I felt like our date was sabotaged and him knowing how i felt i thought the consideration would be there but it wasnt so he walked me to my car and i let him know how that made me feel. I said that he has his 1:1 time with his dates and i feel like given the roller coaster ive been through he would have thought i deserved that as well. He gave excuses like "well we didnt have anything else planned" and i said he didnt give us a chance to figure it out. I left and that was that. Days went by and he txted me stating how he was sorry and how selfish that was and in my mind I didnt take it lightly because i can only have so much access to him and consideration is so minimal i didnt even get that. It really hurt me. I sat with that thought for a while and started to think if he actually cared about me like he says he does. He has let me know on multiple occasions that i mean alot to him and he cares about me so much and care and feelings have grown. I cried for weeks because i started to realize i was in love him and i knew that wasnt allowed and went past his boundary. Recently we had a serious talk(our first serious talk ever) and i let him know how i felt and how i came to the realization and how because we saw each other so much my feelings grew and he said his did too but i asked him what does that mean. He went on to tell me that his feelings have grown for me as a person but his emotional capacity has never changed and been the same since day 1. That set me back a little. Then he went on to say that he knew feelings were getting stronger on my part 3 months ago but didnt talk about it and now he felt bad for not bringing it up. That also set me back. I didnt want to be his girlfriend but only being able to grow so much i wanted to know the level of care he reached for me and he made it clear it was very minimal. I then had to let him know that i dont think we should see each other anymore. My feelings grew very strong and i knew thats not what he wanted and out of respect of that and my feelings i felt that that was the best for what that was. It really hurt me to do this and as i was saying these things he was not even emotional not one ounce of sadness. As i was about to leave the last thing he said to me was " well this was fun" as im crying my eyes out. We hugged and i left.

I felt in the end strung along for a fun time this wholle time. And only to hear him say well this was fun hurt so much but made me realize i couldnt continue to push my feelings down to benefit him. This was my first experience in the poly lifestyle and it did not scare me away from it but i def learned alot.

In my feelings today and I needed to get this off my chest somewhere because I don’t have anywhere else to talk about it.

I recently broke up with my partner of a few years because I reached a breaking point: too long didn’t read version of it all was he was the hinge to me and his girlfriend, they’d been together longer but he always claimed to being 100% poly with her and KTP so that there was ‘no hierarchy’.

(Narrator: There was in fact hierarchy.)

This played out in various legal and financial entanglements, them having things that were ‘special and only theirs’ but I was expected to be fine with him sharing things with her that I had wanted to be ‘special’. If disagreements came up within the polycule he always sided with her and I was expected to ‘try harder’ to get along.

The thing that just hit me in the last couple of days was during a recent conversation (I am in a situation where we still have to interact) he randomly tried to attribute some of his behaviors when we were dating being due to ‘being monogamous with her (his gf) for a long time’.

Never in all the time we were dating or leading up to dating did he ever frame or portray their relationship as ‘monogamous’ at any point, because if he had I never would have entered the relationship to begin with.

I guess I’m just feeling like I was lied to from the start, and mad because of being told there was no hierarchy when there was in fact hierarchy and he had a relationship structure previously that prioritized and continued to prioritize her while telling me that it wasn’t happening.

Bob and have been together a few years now, and while they've had relationships and flings on and off during our relationship, over the past year or so they've not been seeing anyone due to life events and such. I'm not seeing anyone because of my own life events and working on some health issues, though I do want to get back out there soon. I did have a crush on a mutual friend but didn't go anywhere with it as they are now dating one of my friends, and I try to avoid that complexity.

Bob and I are primary partners, with goals and plans to nest and maybe even start a family in the future. Lately, though, they've been somewhat avoidant of things like check-ins, and while they've been incredibly loving as always, something doesn't feel quite right.

Bob met Sam, a mutual acquaintance, while we were at an event last year. They seemed to really hit it off, and have seen each other on a friendly basis, though Bob was clearly interested in them, said so, and proceeded to publicly write a beautiful piece of poetry that is, well, clearly about Sam. I didn't really speak to Sam at the event, but they seemed nice. I didn't want to insert myself as the 3rd wheel or anything.

Recently, Sam introduced themselves to me at another event. They're really nice, and I enjoyed speaking to them. What I feel weird about it is that it coincided with them hanging out more and Bob finally doing a check-in with me, where he said he wanted to ask Sam about physical interaction and to see where it went. I had largely assumed in the past that this was already a thing because a) I don't do heads up rules and b) we're poly, I expect him to be dating if he wants to.

Looking back, I feel like I was basically being set up to "approve" Bob and Sam, and I feel uncomfortable. Bob also has made a joke/comment that didn't land well with me about my sensuality and expressing my desire for him, but I haven't had the chance to address it because I've been sick the past couple days.

They're currently on a date with Sam as we speak, and I'm sick in bed. Which is is probably why I'm feeling so low about it all. I feel like the stable base for a partner to jump off of, and they won't explain why. I'm the stable one with the big professional wage, the one they do house stuff with, it feels like. While I'm grateful to share the ups and downs of life with Bob, I want someone to write poems about me too.

Thanks for listening. It's just a vent, and it's hard.

Back with another vent as I’ve been mulling over other issues other than the ones I motioned in my previous out a post about hierarchy.

Regarding KTP expectations; is it just me, or is the notion that you must be okay with going on ‘poly dates’ kind of icky?

In context: my now-ex really put the emphasis on wanting and needing to go on poly dates - where it was him, me, and my meta all going out together. With him at the same time. My meta and I were not dating and there has been zero interest in that ever. The result was always being on edge during those outings and frequently feeling like the spare tire. Looking back the entire dating structure of that feels like laziness on his part - knocking two dates out in one go, as well as more of an ego boost to him than anything else.

The other aspect that was a major factor of the breakup that I am still really struggling with was feeling devalued - both by my ex’s behaviors and things he said to me.

There’s a lot of examples I could give but the one that keeps revolving in my mind is this; a friend/prospective partner sent me a gift that involved a pricey item. When he saw it he made a dig that he would never ‘waste’ that kind of money on an item like that for me. That one stung deep; I’ve seen him throw big sums of cash into things for my now former-meta and not bat an eye. And no, value of gifts shouldn’t and doesn’t revolve around the cost of things - what upsets me is the framing. Like there was a limitation because it would be a ‘waste’ to do for me specifically. Ouch.

Again, just venting since I have nowhere else I can and the breakup is still pretty fresh.

Background: I (31M) have been dating Birch (30F) since I was 18. We have been open for 8 years, poly for 6. She started dating Aspen (34F) three years ago. After being close friends/KTP for about a year, I also started dating Aspen. Both Aspen and I see other people casually, but Birch chooses not to see anyone else. Overall, our triad is very healthy. I'm happy with the balance of one-on-one, personal, and triad time. Our triad was formed carefully and with intention to ensure Aspen does not feel lesser. She has told both of us that she feels loved and respected and does not feel that Birch and I's history interferes with her ability to have a full, autonomous relationship with either of us. I am deeply in love with both of them.

Unfortunately, I also have very severe OCD. I've been hospitalized for it several times in the past. My anxiety, rumination, and compulsions can be challenging to deal with, to the point that they are probably responsible for 85% of my relationship conflicts in both relationships. I am receiving treatment, though not as much as I would like due to finances and time.

Shortly after getting together with Aspen, I developed relationship OCD, despite barely ever struggling with this with Birch (or Aspen during the year we were just close metas!) For those who don't know, relationship OCD is a series of obsessions and compulsions centered around a romantic relationship, usually things like believing you aren't really in love or that something is "wrong" with the relationship. It also comes with compulsions that I feel compelled to do in order to prove my relationship is "good". I really want to stress that I have had OCD since I was 8 and am very good at identifying OCD thoughts. There is no rational reason for me to question my relationship with Aspen. OCD thoughts take a certain shape and hit me in a certain way that is distinct from "gut feelings" or genuine concerns.

A lot of these ruminations feed off of fear that our triad is "bad". That Aspen is only with me because she thinks she has to be to stay with Birch (despite the fact that our relationship happened a year later, with me stressing that each of our relationships would remain autonomous), loves Birch more than me (this fear is not coherent with my values; I do not believe in playing the "who loves who more" game), or that I'm abusing her by asking her to be poly (even though she loves being poly and was poly before either me or Birch). I've far surpassed the point where asking for reassurance about this is necessary or appropriate; I've been told by both of my partners a million times that THIS is the relationship structure they prefer and they do not feel coerced into it. But the doubts persist, fueled in part by monogamous people's judgement (e.g I know other people believe we couldn't genuinely love each other, which makes me afraid they're right).

Both Aspen and Birch are supportive and helpful but ultimately believe that I need to just trust them when they say they are happy with our relationship and would tell me if they wanted something to change. Still, the relationship obsessions and compulsions eat up large portions of my time and energy and have caused fights with my partners (usually it begins with me having an obsession, then my partners reassure me, then they get frustrated that I won't listen to them or offended that I'm obsessing over whether or not they love me).

Have any of you dealt with relationship OCD in polyamory? How have you gotten support for it? Will this fade with time as I become more secure with Aspen? How do I protect my relationships from being harmed by my obsessions? I really wish I could just talk myself out of them but unfortunately, the thoughts are consuming and I'm scared that they will cause serious damage to both of my relationships. I am actually considering more intensive OCD treatment because of how debilitating this has become, but I'm afraid that any competent OCD treatment will not also be poly-informed and will just affirm some of my ruminations or encourage me to be monogamous.