I’ve had a bit of a breakthrough. A bit of a sea change last night. I hope it sticks.

I’ve been in my own head and feeling quite shitty about myself and my prospects for future love. I’m 39 and I want to find a chapter two to my life but have been convincing myself that nobody will love a shitty, broken, widowed man like me. And I was spiraling down this hole last night as I was getting ready for bed. I was thinking I’ll just go through the motions of life and stop trying to figure out what’s next. And who cares if I never find love again, I don’t deserve it and I would just be a burden to anyone I tried to start something with.

Then, some deep down part of me got all fired up and I was suddenly saying out loud,

“No, fuck that, you don’t get to take that from me!”

It startled me. And I realized, finally, my grief and my late wife are not the same thing. For months now they have been intertwined and when I think of her this swirling black cloud of grief jumps in between and it’s been doing it for so long, and so often, I’ve confused the two.

My grief is separate from my love for her. And grief doesn’t get to take my ability to love and be loved. Grief doesn’t get to take that from me. Grief has already taken so much but it never gets to take that.

And I felt my grief recoil inside me when I fought back. I dealt it some wounding, but not yet fatal blow.

So no, fuck that, grief is not our loved ones. And it has already taken so much from us, but it doesn’t get to take our ability to love and be loved. That stays safe and I won’t let it get that close to doing it again.

I think life is like a moving train.

For years, we sat side by side, watching the world pass our window. But then the train made an unexpected stop, and you stepped off at a station you were never meant to leave.

The doors closed.

But the train didn't stop; it continued on its way.

At first, you were still there, waving to me from a distance. Then you were just a silhouette. And then you were gone forever, beyond my view.

Now I am left alone.

The cruelest part is not that the train keeps moving. It's that it never turns back.
Some days, I can't even remember when it was that you got off.
I just know that you aren’t with me anymore on this train, and each passing mile separates me more and more from the last point where we both were.

“One day, I may not remember the station at all. Time doesn't just carry us forward. It slowly erases the last place we were together.”

I am not kidding. There are times when I say to myself, "This is your life now",, but I still

can't comprehend how severe the grief in my life is without him. I truly appreciate all of the understanding and support that I've received here.

Not a widower yet, but prepping as a family. Spouse has Stage 4 Metastatic Cancer. There’s a very different feeling about this Nth-round, and the diagnosis was literally we’ll be dealing with chemo until it stops working. We’ve been dealing with this since pre-COVID.

As an immediate family, we’re not big on funerals. We’ve talked with the kids (mid-20s), and they don’t really want a funeral. We’ll definitely be doing a cremation, but we’re on the fence about some kind of “Celebration of Life”. We’re pretty sure my spouse’s friends would appreciate some kind of a service, but the kids and I aren’t keen on dealing with all of that. Likely because this has been a nearly decade long process so far.

Spouse’s family is big on the performative part of passing. A cremation (no gravesite to visit) is bad enough in their minds. Then the idea of not doing a viewing before the cremation is even worse. We (spouse, kids and I) are adamant, none of us want anything like that. Extended family isn’t even getting personal portions of the ashes.

Has anyone skipped the whole post-death, non-immediate family, social rituals and had regrets? Anybody followed tradition and wish they hadn’t? Anyone skipped it all and were glad they did?

I can't sleep again :( not a heavy subject , I just went thro my fiance's 37 bday. But if you are a widower and awake and would like to share anything go ahead.

I'm honestly surprised there isn't more post like these given the messed up sleep pattern after loosing someone so close

What were your partner’s quirks? The things you saw and no one else would?

For my Amy, when she would be fighting to stay awake her voice would start to whistle, I always found it adorable.

I miss my angsty lesbian wife. It’s been 5 years. I live in a red state. She wasn’t just an angsty lesbian, though that informed a lot of her opinions, she was also a connoisseur of good media, music, movies.. I am a queer person myself. More pansexual than staunch lesbian. But I miss it. She had such a beautiful feminism that I am afraid I will never find again. I am in a sea of cis people. Even the lesbian and gay environment around here is pretty cis… I miss her. She made the most sense in a world that just fucking doesn’t. Who the fuck looks up to Chevy Chase?! I’m dying over here.

Year 1 was all about survival and getting 2 country’s worth of legal and financial admin done.

The plan for Year 2 is to slowly transition from survival mode into living a somewhat fulfilling life, though I have no real idea what that will look like right now other than I’m not moving house anytime soon.

Yesterday was far less upsetting for me than Christmas, our birthdays and our wedding anniversary were because those were previously happy events where/when we made great memories together and now there’s just me.

I really dislike people who says I’m selfish to want to go, when they still have their other half with them. They do not understand what losing your partner means until that day comes. When all your life was built around that person and now they’re gone. What the fuck am I to do??? Time does not heal unless we want to. And how can we heal from that! Pretend noting happened or all these years were not real? My love was here with me and he’ll always be with me.

It was a very long fight for her, seven years. In the end her body finally gave up, but I think only because she did. Her determination was ultimately the only thing keeping her going. The day before she died she knew I was looking into hospice for her. There were no options left.

I don't know where I am when it comes to the stages of grief. I think somewhere between bargaining and depression. I don't have the luxury of dwelling or whatever, I'm in financial troubles and have to push through.

I can't stand to touch things that she had. Medical supplies, a cup, a piece of trash... and her clothes. Her clothes don't smell like her. She was sick so long that she barely wore what she had. I have piles of her things in the bathroom, bedroom, den, everywhere.

I took home a dirty blanket of hers from the hospital to wash it a few days before she died. I found it in the laundry room today and just hugged it. It doesn't smell like her, but I know she used it for a week.

I don't know what the point of this post is. A cry for attention maybe? Sympathy? I think mostly I'm scared to be alone.

I lost my wife about a month ago. Before that, I lost my mom in November. My dad is still living, and I’m really struggling with feeling like I’m carrying his grief along with my own.

He wants to relate a lot of what he’s going through to what I’m going through. And some of it absolutely does overlap. We both lost someone we loved deeply. But our situations are also very different.

He’s in his late 70s. I’m in my mid-40s with two young kids still at home.

He keeps recommending widower support groups and resources to me, but most of the ones I’ve found seem to skew toward older widowers whose kids are grown and out of the house. Meanwhile, I’m trying to grieve my wife while also getting up every day and raising two boys who are grieving their mom. I’m trying to keep their lives moving, be compassionate when they’re struggling, and somehow deal with my own grief at the same time.

I grieved my mom, and I still do. This isn’t about minimizing my dad’s loss or saying I’m grieving more than he is. It’s that he sometimes seems to assume our grief is essentially the same, and it just doesn’t feel that way to me.

He had a much longer life with my mom, and that loss is enormous. But I lost my partner in the middle of our life together, and I’m now carrying all of the day-to-day responsibilities we used to share while parenting two young children by myself.

He also wants to talk and connect about grief pretty regularly, and sometimes I just don’t have the capacity for it. Instead of feeling supported, I end up feeling like I’m responsible for helping carry him too.

I’m not even completely sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe just wondering if anyone else has dealt with someone close to them experiencing a major loss around the same time, where your grief is similar enough that they want to relate to you, but different enough that the comparisons actually make things harder.

How do you protect the space you need for your own grief without making the other person feel like you don’t care about theirs?

Going on 4 months now. I’ve had old co-workers or acquaintances that I don’t speak to as often text me something random and try to catch up as if everything is normal. Or seeing someone out at the grocery store or walking the dog. The problem is they don’t know. It’s not really their fault that these loose connections have not heard. They are not anyone I’d have expected to show at the funeral or that I’d lean on for support. But the interactions are just weird. Do you tell them or just bury it and hope it goes away as quickly as possible?

I don't know if it can be really called a hobby.. but, recently, I've started watching AI fantasy dramas. The more medieval and fantasy based, the better. It keeps me detached from real life. The only catch is, whenever there are funny scenes or something totally ridiculous on screen, I turn to my husband's picture and start talking to it as if he was still here, watching them with me. Then I start crying. It's a cycle but it makes me feel like he's still here.

Also, it feels like it's keeping my WF at bay as my mind is preoccupied.

As I continue with this new found hobby, the lesser I feel lonely. It makes me feel like I don't really need anyone anymore, because, I won't be able to have silly one-sided conversations with my husband if someone new is with me. If I stay like this, it feels like he's still here.. because to be honest, I don't think anyone can love me and accept me as much as my husband did, and I don't think I want anyone else. I don't want to change how I am when my husband was still alive. With a new relationship, there's always an adjustment. If I change, it feels like i'm abandoning him and it tears me apart just thinking about it.

I tried online dating a few days back and completed my swipe list because most got swiped left. The lucky ones swiped to the right either bear a resemblance or some same hobbies as my husband. Some who messaged got only a hello from me, I didn't have the motivation to initiate or keep the conversation going. So i deleted my account.

At least when i'm immersed in watching AI dramas. I can imagine having conversations with my husband in the safety of our home. No one will judge me, no one will make me stop or question me. I can pretend that he's with me for as long as I can, and that's enough for me. I can delude myself into believing that he's still beside me.

It sounds like I've completely lost my mind. But this is my reality now. If i can't be with him anymore, i'll just continue living in a fantasy where he is still alive.

In my third year since losing my person to suicide; in fact I just passed the anniversary a couple of weeks ago. I met with a friend of hers yesterday and have felt like crap ever since. It just highlighted for me how different her experience of loss was from mine. Yes, she lost her friend and I’m not here to minimize that. But she has been dating the same guy for years now and they just got engaged. I have been missing human connection so much, and when I need it the most, I can’t have it because my person is fucking dead. I feel like crap so I don’t feel in the right headspace for dating and it’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

Anyway, it also hit home for me how much I’ve been using alcohol, weed, and binge eating to get through the lonely and sad feelings. If I’m ever going to get to a more fulfilling life, I need to stop using this crutch - that is also really bad for my health (and dating prospects).

Today I’m starting fresh. Poured out all the booze I had at home. Doing some healthy meal planning and not keeping junk food in my kitchen. Long term, I’m finding some ways to be more social and hopefully make some friends. And I am going to attend an overeaters anonymous meeting.

Just writing this post to vent, but if anyone has overcome these crutches (or is actively trying), I’d love to hear some anecdotes from other widows/widowers and any wisdom that helped you.

it’s been 15 months but I only submitted the draft for his headstone today. I had shared ideas with the carver back in June but when the carver sent back a design completely different (and with name spelled wrong!) I got so disheartened, I couldn‘t work on it anymore.

Im also realizing how much I’ve been avoiding this reality because now that I sent the draft, I’m curled up in bed sobbing. there’s no fkg way his name is on a headstone.

I also haven’t done anything with his ashes. There’s a place where he always said he wanted some scattered and some interred but I just want to avoid everything. Isn‘t it enough that I’m still raising our children and getting through the day?

But I know I have to do these things and I honestly feel very guilty that i haven't but oh damn, I hadn’t realized how much I was actually avoiding doing anything. its not until right now that I know I’m just pretending he’s not really dead.

I love that he has found a small sliver or joy and wouldn’t dare tell him it’s breaking my heart or ask him to stop but he sings it the exact same way when he plays on his guitar. And it is killing me. The verse in particular “Praise to the Lord who doth prosper thy work and defend thee. Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee. Ponder anew what the Almighty can do if with his love He befriend thee.” Makes me cry because it was my husband’s favorite part of the song as well.

Nine months since that unexpected dreadful day that I lost my love. I decided to start dating and its REALLY GREAT! Yes at first I was as awkward as a teenager making the first move, palms sweating and then all of a sudden she's like "do ya want to fool around or something".. I'm like yes please! I love it how she could tell it had been a while and I was a bit rusty, you know that first kiss, your eyes meet and I kinda hesitated but she resolved that right away and thank goodness for that because it would of sucked to missed that moment and gone away thinking stupid me. Instead I went away top of the world feeling:) Like it did as a kid, a new rebirth of chemicals, happiness and the such is the best therapy I have encountered in a long time! I'm not looking to quick fix or replace my past person, its just about time I start living. It's what she would want, not for me to suffer but to thrive! I'm not looking to rush into anything serious, just exploring whats out in the universe...

It’s been 3 months. I took off time to care for my sick husband and then almost 8 weeks ago he died in my arms. Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I don’t feel ready. The last time I was working things were normal until he quickly became ill. I know I need to keep on living but tomorrow somehow feels like it’s a reality that I don’t have a choice but to keep moving forward. I know he’s still with me, but he’s not with me at the same time- if that makes any sense at all. It’s so difficult to go back to “normal” day to day life without him here.
Just throwing my thoughts out there while I cry myself to sleep- who do you talk to you now that your person isn’t there anymore?! What do we do?!

I am reminded multiple times a day of losing my wife just about two months ago now.

Where mine differs, in my opinion, is that I started to grief her and our life together years ago. I was able to spend a great deal of time with her and grieving her dementia together.

I can not say that I am not gutted every single day, but it seems that I am not as debilitated as many of you.

I only say this to offer that it is my sincere hope that each of you can work through your grief in whichever way you can find.

I know that my journey through grief will be eternal, and one of the hardest things I will ever do, but I do see a bright end to it eventually. I hope that for you as well.

I let her down not only throughout our relationship but in looking after her when she wasnt well, she rode a bicycle when she wasnt ready because i didnt drive her out of laziness. How can i not kill myself for this. Its both pain and guilt. Ive tried therapy, no one can believe what happened, and how i could have done that. Will time fix this because i cant keep feeling like this

How do I deal with the sickening envy I feel toward my friends' relationships? Two of my best friends are also in long-term relationships. It's always difficult hearing about their partners. My friend's husband just got back from deployment and now they're able to live together again. I want to be happy for her but instead, all I feel is a deep rage.

It's getting to a point of what I fear is resentment. Which isnt fair to my friends. But sometimes I wish their partners would die. I know that's awful but it's so horrible getting to see my loved ones get to be happy where I've been cursed to suffer.

My friends and I are really close, basically siblings, so I've talked to them about these feelings. But that didn't help. I still feel the same.

I lost my partner of 5.5 years just 14 months ago. I'm still in as much pain as I was the day it happened. And now I have to deal with this extra layer of guilt and anger too. I miss her so badly and seeing happy couples makes me feel ill.

I’ve made comments about this here before. I said I didn’t think these days would be a huge problem for me. Now it’s time and they’re giving me a monumental ass kicking. I figured I’d look for any thoughts/advice.

Tomorrow (9/2) is our 20th anniversary. My wife and I were never big on anniversaries. We were big on birthdays though and that’s coming up on the 17th. It would’ve been her 50th. These are different. Not just because of the milestones and the fact that she’s not here. They’re also the first since she died almost 10 months ago. I obviously knew these dates were coming. I didn’t make any huge plans and also wasn’t worried or anxious about them. And now they’re here. I’m now feeling a different kind of anxiety and don’t know what it is or why. I’ve been grief stricken. I’ve been struggling overall. But I haven’t gotten overly emotional to the point of constant tears, etc… I welcome that or whatever else tomorrow if it happens. I’m going to the cemetery alone and then I don’t know what else. I’ll try to hold the birthday worry for next week. Overall I guess I just really don’t know what to expect. Seems I’ll just have to roll with it.

Just wanted to see if anyone else is like me and didn’t think these days would be such a big deal until the time finally came. Was it better or worse than you thought? How’d it all turn out for you? I know I have to get through it on my own. Doesn’t hurt to ask though.

It was my late lady’s Birthday this weekend , I try to still do things for her just in regular life. I found myself doing a lot of extra things all weekend with her in mind. Walks in places we went , food that was her fav breakfast at our place. Shit I even baked cupcakes and gave them to people in public. They were all heavy things and I feel like I needed to do them . Tonight I’m still in mode wear I keep doing , putting tv shows on she would enjoy. It’s all so heavy , makes me smile but also rips me apart , makes me cry. I think it’s a lot almost too much on my health . It’s been 16 months 2 days since her passing. Sometimes I go into a week or two without heavy crying and then I feel guilty for that. But I’m worn out today for the grief . I hope I can give my permission to live soon without tearing myself apart but always want her to live fondly in my heart.

Hi all. My husband passed away seven months ago to cancer, leaving me with our two year old. Every day is still so hard, but I think I am finally coming out of the fog a bit and am moving through my life a little bit more smoothly.

Widow's Fire has also been hitting hard. I'm on the apps again, mostly in search of a FWB. I'm talking to someone who so far seems compassionate and emotionally intelligent enough to be prepared for casual sex with someone who needs to be handled with care. We're meeting for the first time next week. He's had some thoughtful questions about my boundaries, which brought me here. Does anyone have any advice about dipping a toe back into the dating pool, especially as a single parent to a toddler?