I am (F30) have been diagnosed and on medication for exactly a year, but I was incorrectly diagnosed for 5 years before that, as no one bothered to do an MRI on my brain to see the lesions.
i have been single for 4 years, after a toxic relationship that i promised myself i wont do any harm that was done to me in that relationship to anyone else so i needed to heal first before any attempts to enter a new one , and after my diagnosis i realized how it would be hard finding a partner who understand, i mean, am still figuring this shit out myself so why do i expect empathy or understanding from someone else.
I have been talking to this guy (M33) for literally 12 days, and we had good chemistry, and he is nice and calm and comfortable to talk to, but we have major differences that I thought wouldn't be the problem; he is agnostic i am technically religious compared to him. He believes in nihilism, and I am the opposite of that.
in brief, nihilism is a family of philosophical views that reject the existence of any objectively meaningful purpose, moral value, truth, or knowledge.
And this is what Google says i did not really have a full grasp of his own definition of it, which is the core issue of the problem.
i havent told him yet about my MS, and we were having a discussion, and i am pushing to understand whats his definition and how does he apply it in real life, and he did not give an answer saying it doesnt make sense to me so it doesnt really matter but i insisted, and we reached a point i expressed a feeling that his beliefs are contradicting to his action and other stuff he said so i dont understand, and my need for validaition and assurances got in the way and i technically told him he doesnt care about me.
In reality, he was invested in our long conversations, extending hours the whole 12 days we have been talking and sharing private stuff about him and his past. He has been single for 7 years, so our connection was a first for him in a long time, as well as for me.
All of this is happening with an MS in the background, i have been struggling all month with the heat, pain all over my body, insomnia, and brain fog, literally my mind went blank twice during our heated discussion, i flared up, overheating, after our conversation ended badly with me apologizing porfusely that i did not mean to hurt him, i stared at the void for an hour, then i took a cold shower, water cold on my head literally becoming warm reaching my feet. i have been sleep-deprived for a week, went out for important errands 3 days in a row, vivid dreams walking up as if I was awake in another universe, sleeping is not rest and showers are exhausting, and I am taking antibiotics for a skin issue that makes me throw up, and I am at my wits' end.
And I hurt him; I did the ONE thing i promised myself not to do. MS will not be a factor ruining my relationships, but it did. The very first time I tried to communicate with someone.,i refuse to say about my MS in the begining cause i dont want a relationship to be based on pity, or someone feeling sorry for me, but it seems to get in the way more times than i can count, i try to process my feelings on my own and be logical when talking to him.