They keep saying this as if we're making it up

Lets set the stage.

i had a friend. We first met in a discord server, that another friend introduced me to. It was a gaming server mostly for hunt:showdown. i loved the game and there was always someone there to play. Made it a habit, it became my go to after work game.

Played a lot with one of the regulars on the server. Playing every afternoon together we got to know each other well and became online friends, talking about our everyday life and whatever is going on there.

After like 3 years on the server, playing and talking each day, the topic of sexuality came up. i told him i'm asexual. He asked me if i was diagnosed. i told him, i'm not, why would i? i don't have sexual feelings about other people, what more is there to it?

His demeanor totally changed, he raised his voice, talked about doctors and diagnosis. i left the call during his rant, because i'm not gonna just sit there and be screamed at for not having sexual feelings.

We never talked after and he ghosted me completely. I have no idea what his problem was, but ins his mind asexuality seems to only exist as a medical diagnosis and it means something is majorly wrong with a person.

Don't know if there is a backstory to his reaction. This was some years ago now, but i'm still absolutely baffled by it.

He supported me during my transition and everything, but somehow asexuality being an illness is his hill to die on.

The title describes me, and I'm wondering if anyone else feels similarly.

Im so confused why peopñe think if you’re asexual you need to dress like a conservative prude. So I have a goth style I love my push up bra and wearing a waist snatching coreset. Everytime someone finds out im asexual they either ask “but why you dress so sexy” or say “if youre asexual why you sexualize yourself”. It’s so frustrating because how am I supposed to dress ?

EDIT!!!! I don’t think people who dress modest/covered are conservative prudes. It’s a expression (im from a southern conservative Christian family ik actual conservative prudes Its just an expression because thats how people see asexual women) and pretty much how people expect asexuals to dress/act. I have nothing against anyone for how they choose to dress. Im just saying asexuals have more than one look. 💕

I’ve noticed this somewhat disturbing and frustrating pattern where so many behaviors and things associated with children are considered “cute” when kids do it but treated as something sexual when adults do it. Pretending to be animals or in fantasy situations is normal for kids, but when adults talk about doing the same they add words like -play and treat things like they’re shameful or sexual. I don’t get it. Are adults not allowed to play around or use their imaginations without people making it sexual somehow? I feel like i have to walk around on eggshells just for enjoying some of the same things I liked as a kid. I feel like this weird cultural thing puts kids at risk too, because i remember getting sexual comments from people when i was younger over things I’ve liked since i was really little. It’s weird and creepy and every time i point it out I get accused of kink shaming. People shouldn’t project sexual intent onto innocuous things

How many others, simply feel no need to tell people that they are asexual or aromantic or both?

Started at my new school two weeks ago and was kinda dreading coming out to my (new) friends and or class.

Not because I thought they would be aphobic (its the 2second biggest art school in my country, at least 60% of everyone is queer), but because I thought they would ask questions and i would get stressed an they would think im a wierd person.

We had politics class and started on media. We had the type of questions where you awser standing in a corner of the room. It was something about people who dated ai, teacher asked "what could be something dating ai would have as a reason to date ai" he asked me. I stressed. I said " they dont want sex :D" and damn that guy was confused but my class was like "yhea thats a reason". I dont think they know im ace but if they even when i tell them i hope they just think " we kinda knew that and that doesnt change anything" instead of "oh well now we have to change things"

Saw this in a museum today in an exhibition on sexual health. Imo the definition is a bit o f f, but I guess brownie points for including asexuality to begin with. How would you do it for a general audience? For context, they also defined very basic queer stuff such as homosexuality or transgender, but also more niche stuff like Drag queens and bdsm. SAM-model or aromanticism was nowhere to be seen, they did however go very in depth about masturbation, toys, pleasure and so on.

Can’t believe people are so ignorant nowadays… thought they were a good friend of mine and would be more understanding. I was deeply hurt by them.

Update: woah thank you so much for the supportive comments. Another photo I forgot to put in was that they said:

“I'll be quite frank. sex is defs like end goal here especially w maintaining a relo. for instance a lot of relos actually fall out when they dont have sex.”

This particular comment made me feel horrible. I’m not sex averse but sometimes it makes me feel like love feels very transactional and dependent on sex.

The sheer speed of my tactical retreat could rival Olympic athletes.

One minute we are talking about hobbies, and the next I am fighting for my life.

My fight-or-flight kicked in, and flight won by a landslide.

And just like that... I'm a track star✨😏

Anyone wants garlic breads, I made them extra cheesy and crispy.

I am a 19 yrs old man. I have never felt desire to engage in sexual activities, nor I have experienced crush, even celebrity crushes. When I was younger i always thought I wasnt sexually mature enough to feel love and lust, and if I become an adult I would be able to feel those. However here I am, pushing 20 but theres none.

My parents are worried that I might be missing out some important part of adulthood. I know I am too nerdy and not charming for girls to like me. However I have never wanted someone in my bed. Guys, girls, no one.

I grew up with autism. My doctor pointed out I lack understanding of emotional part of marrige and relationship. I wonder if I am mentally incapable for understanding deep emotional connections like dating or lusting someone.

I wonder if I somehow meet the right one, who is perfect for me, I would be finally able to feel desire to connect with her. And finally wanting marrige and having kids with her. And return to normal life. It probably won't happen, but I'm just curious it is possible to turn normal. Or its all just a myth. I struggle a lot when I think about these topics.

I'm probably making too many posts here but I can't help but think about these questions.

So I have no idea if there is a certain word for this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this exeperience and I'm here seeking for advice.

Sex is always on my mind, turning on with little things and yeah teenage hormones doing their puberty work, at least half of it because they are never been towards somebody specific.

It's just this obsession with sex but it feels disgusting to think actually acting on it.

Honestly it's just frustrating, I'm at the point where I look at my friends, pratically any of them and have intrusive thoughts about kissing and sex and it's ruining my friendship exeperience, but I know it's not about any of them, it's just my body desperately wanting something my mind doesn't.

Like emotionally I think I would also like to try dating somebody but I don't want anything to do with sex in real life, like only in fantasies but my body keeps bring up opposite signal.

I have fantasies about sex, but if they even get a little to real I become really disgusted by them, and there is always about a faceless placeholder or imaginary charachters.

Like some people just say to hook up with someone random, but NO, the thought of having to touch someone random even if they are a aesthetically attractive disgusts me even more.

It's not about religious stuff, I'm not saving for anything, and I'm probably a little touched starved, all this thoughts makes me think I might be demisexual but I just don't think I ever get to a point of enough closeness.

I just don't know, I hate thinking so much about sex but not wanting anybody.

Basically what the tittle says. I’m in a sorta similar situation but won’t dwell on it.

Honestly I’m just looking for other people’s experiences and I also would like to know what’s dating like for aces. I’m in a tough spot. Did you ever think that being ace would make your dating life harder?

Hi all,

A few months ago, I shared my narrative game Ace & Aro: Heart-to-Heart with you all ( https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/s/k91iDnNb0F ) and I wanted to keep you all updated!

I have just released a teaser trailer hinting at some of the conversations and mini-games. I hope you will give it a watch :)

The game will be coming to Steam and itch.io for PC, Mac and Linux. If you're a gamer, please support by wishlisting or following.

Thank you for your time!

I told a friend on TikTok what asexual means and they said "there's no way that's rea.l" And when I explained it again they were even more confused. Has anyone else experienced this or no?

Throwaway for obv reasons.

My girlfriend (F24) and I (M30) have been together for a little over 9 months. We genuinely have a really good relationship. We have a lot in common, we have fun together, and I’ve fallen in love with her for who she is as a person, her personality, how she treats me, etc.

We’ve also been trying to get better at communicating, so we started doing occasional “quarterly” conversations where we talk honestly about how the relationship is going.

The last one was about a month ago, which is said she might be asexual, and then we had another one yesterday and it ended up being much more serious than I expected.
Before getting into the bigger issue, I had been struggling with some anxiety about the relationship. I started feeling like I had to be the “perfect boyfriend” and that I needed to constantly make sure I wasn’t disappointing her.

When I addressed it yesterday, She actually responded well to that.

But then the conversation took a much bigger turn.

She told me that she’s been wondering if she might be asexual/aromantic. She said she loves me, but she doesn’t necessarily experience a strong romantic feeling or sexual attraction toward me. She doesn’t have a particularly strong desire for sex, and she’s realized that some of the things people describe about asexuality resonate with her.

She’s also told me that texting with me is great, but sometimes spending time together in person can leave her feeling emotionally/energetically drained in a way that spending time with friends doesn’t necessarily do.

And probably the hardest thing she said was that she wonders whether there could be someone out there who could meet all of her needs.

That one really scared me.

Because from my perspective, I love her. I didn’t fall in love with her because of sex or because I needed some intense romantic movie-style feeling every second. I fell in love with her personality, how she treats me, how she interacts with my family, our shared interests, the things we laugh about, etc.

Sexual compatibility honestly isn’t a huge priority for me. I don’t need sex constantly.

I told her that I don’t want her to change who she is. If she really is asexual or aromantic, I am totally cool with that. I don’t view her differently. I also told her that I don’t want to change who I am either. I can grow and become a more refined version of myself, but I don’t want to turn myself into someone I’m not, which she said she’s glad to hear.

I told her that there are people who are ace/aro and people who aren’t who make relationships work.
She told me she still had a “pit in her stomach” after the conversation because everything was emotionally intense. I told her that I believed it was going to be okay.

And honestly, I do believe that.

But I’m also scared.

Part of me wonders if I’m just being overly optimistic because I love her. Another part of me thinks that maybe we’re discovering something about ourselves that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to end.

I don’t expect her to suddenly become more romantically or sexually attracted to me. That’s not what I’m asking for.

So my questions are:

• Can relationships like this genuinely work long term?
• Does this sound like something that can be worked through together?

I’m mostly looking for perspectives from people who have actually experienced ace/aro relationships or something similar.

Thank you.

Title says all.

Tengo 21 años y nunca había tenido una relación.

Durante mucho tiempo me gustó la idea de tener pareja, pero con los años me di cuenta de que lo que más deseaba no era necesariamente la parte romántica tradicional, sino tener a alguien cercano que estuviera para mí: alguien con quien ver películas y series, hablar, dormir juntos y compartir mi vida.

Hace un tiempo tuve mi primer beso profundo con otra persona y fue una experiencia muy negativa, potque me sentí presionada y no fue algo que realmente quisiera. Desde entonces me cuesta mucho la intimidad física.

Ahora estoy conociendo a un chico [M 21] y es mi primera relación seria. Me gusta pasar tiempo con él, y en algún momento sentí cierta atracción por él, aunque no era una atracción física. Sin embargo siento que esa atracción se está desvaneciendo y ya no me siento cómoda siendo su pareja. Cuando me besó por primera vez tuve un ataque de pánico y la segunda vez sentí que iba a volver a pasar. No me gusta besar ni le encuentro realmente el sentido, aunque físicamente puedo excitarme durante un beso. Es extraño porque mi cuerpo puede reaccionar mientras mentalmente me siento desconectada de la situación.

Algo parecido me pasó cuando me tomó de la mano: tuve una sensación muy fuerte de desconexión, como si no pudiera sentir mi propia mano y no estuviera completamente presente.

Él también quiere avanzar hacia una mayor intimidad sexual. Yo tengo curiosidad y a veces me gustaría saber como sería experimentar eso, pero no me siento preparada y tampoco estoy segura de querer hacerlo. Él me dice cosas muy románticas y recientemente me dijo "te amo", pero yo no siento que pueda corresponderle. No me nace decirle cosas románticas y eso me hace sentir culpable.

Todo esto me está haciendo cuestionarme mucho.

No siento atracción sexual por hombres ni mujeres, aunque sí tengo libido y puedo excitarme. También estoy empezando a preguntarme si realmente quiero una relación romántica, o si lo que quiero es un vínculo más platónico/intenso que no siga necesariamente las expectativas de una pareja tradicional.

No estoy buscando que alguien me diga qué estiqueta soy. Solo quiero saber si otras personas pasaron por algo parecido y cómo lograron distinguier entre simplemente no tener experiencia/no estar preparadas y realmente no sentir atracción romántica o sexual.

my boyfriend is veryyy sexual. to the point where its making me more asexual than i once was lol. i don’t really know where else to post and i need advice, this is kinda random and heavy for me but have any of you had to end a relationship because of a mismatch in libido?… i think im ruining his life because we are sexless. some guys get really weird and depressed when they dont have sex my boyfriend seems to be one of them. i’ve always delt with being pretty moderately asexual and ive been ok with it, when i got with my boyfriend i tried to push myself to be more comfortable with being sexual because he is but over time i just couldn’t force myself to do something i didnt enjoy. but tensions are rising since i have stopped engaging in sex… he bas even brought up the possibility of like if he could have a friends with benefits just to get sexual energy out. i think thats weird… why is it such a big deal we arent having sex? are all boys like this?? he humps me when we are snuggling, he will start playing with his 🍆 while laying next to me im like wtf… its making me even more grossed out about sex than i was before. we live together have been together 3 years i don’t know what to do i feel like im getting sexually harassed every day and i cant do anything about it in the same bed i wish i could leave sometimes or i wish i never put myself into this situation at all, i can leave but im scared ive never lived with someone and all my things are here i dont want to move everything again..,

hey!

So I have a slightly personal question for all the people that feel comfortable answering and still like to masturbate even though they are ace. What do you fantasise about while doing it? I finally got myself to read Alice Oseman’s book “Loveless”, in which the MC asks that question.

For me personally I most of the time never include myself in the fantasies I think about while masturbaiting. Which seems a pretty ace thing to do, as I have read about multiple Asexual people doing the same thing.

But even though that is most of the time, I sometimes include myself in those fantasies but only as the opposite sex (which for me is male). Can anyone relate or explain why that might be the case? Because it’s making me really unsure about my current label.

Thanks a lot! x

Okay so Idek where to start exactly. I always saw myself as the stereotypical cis girl ally. XD And then my (aroace) roommate came around the corner and told me about asexuality and since then (half a year) I've been wondering if it fits me. At first I wasn't sure, but I cannot really define how sexual attraction feels like. Heck, I didn't even know what arousal feels like. When I think about crushes I mostly want to spend time with them talking or stuff, sex was always more a thing people in relationships do. (It took me embarrassingly long to realize they do it just like that for fun too.) I like the label, I feel it fits me, but I also feel guilty for using it, because I am just not SURE. I do find people hot, but do I mean the same as allo people?? I have no reference, what is sexual attraction supposed to feel like? I kind of don't want to intrude in a community I don't belong to, so now I am questioning every interaction. And I feel like there could be something down there, but then again I am really focused on it at the moment. And sometimes I get like flashes of images and I didn't before, it makes me anxious and I hate it and I want them gone. On a side note, the thought of my future partner wanting sex from me both sounds nice and sickening. I am somewhat curious about sex in theory, but it's just very confusing when I try to apply it to real life. Also I am very much disgusted by the thought of doing a blowjob, if, then someone else touching me, but I have no desire to touch sb elses genitalia. At least not with my hands or mouth. Also my apologies, this was probably tmi 😭

Content warning just to be safe.

Do you ever wish you were like sex favourable?

Did you ever consider to just "go through with it" for the sake of getting in a relationship?

Because after being single for so long and before that having relationships mainly fail because I eant no sex, I sometimes have such lows where I really consider to just "let it happen" every now and then with a partner so I can be loved.

I know this is absolutely not the way to go and those thoughts will go away again on their own.

But I am so tired of feeling like I'm broken just for not wanting sex. And it makes dating so much harder than it already is.

Idk why I'm even posting this, I guess to connect with people feeling like me and perhaps not feeling less lonely with those silly, stupid thoughts.

Regardless, have a good day everyone.

also have a black ring with silver dragons that I usually wear on my other middle finger! :)