I have thought about positing this a few times, but each time decided not to as I didn’t feel the timing was right. I’ve also posted in this forum before, asking for help, so you may be familiar with the back story.

A quick background, we noticed from about 2 years old that our child would not communicate in social settings (childcare, with friends etc), at the time we thought it was aged based & communication would come with time. At 4, they moved from childcare to a small kindy and this transition really highlighted how non verbal they were in certain situations, which is when we started to look into SM and working with health professionals for a diagnosis.

Over the past 12 months we have tried a number of activities and are seeing positive steps forward. There are still situations where they will completely shut down.

I am hoping by sharing below what is working can help other families. Please share anything that is working for you as well, as we are learning as we go!

1. Continuous discussions with their teacher, ensuring we are aligned
2. Working with a speech pathologist (although expensive), appears to have helped
3. Asking if they would like to order (e.g ice cream, item at shop etc)
4. Giving encouragement, saying how proud we are even if they did not speak
5. Saying it is ok not to talk- only when you feel safe

6. When they say something funny, I might say “you should share this with x friend, I reckon that would make them laugh”.

7. Recognising that there are certain social situations with big personalities, which can be intimidating. In these cases, I time arrival accordingly (being late, so can sneak in) or we might not attend

8. Getting to kindy 10 mins early, to allow time to settle in, play on playground etc.

We are still very much on this journey, but the difference has been huge.

I've spent a pretty significant portion of the last 6 years in near-complete social isolation, with very little meaningful interaction with other people.

I don't think I fully realized how much that affected me until I started having to function in public again.

I can type. I can write. I can communicate perfectly well online. But when I'm actually standing in front of another person, it's like my brain suddenly forgets how language works. I struggle to get words out, I stumble over sentences, I overthink every response, and sometimes I genuinely can't speak at all.

The bigger issue is that the isolation hasn't just affected my ability to communicate. It's affected my mental health in ways I'm still trying to understand.

Being disconnected from people for that long has made me extremely self-conscious and socially anxious. I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about how I come across, replaying conversations in my head, and wondering whether I said something stupid. Even relatively normal social situations can feel mentally exhausting.

And there's a particularly frustrating cycle to it: I'm isolated because I struggle to interact with people, but the lack of interaction makes me even worse at interacting with people.

I've jokingly described myself as "technically mute" for the last couple months, but recently I came across the term selective mutism, and some of the descriptions sounded surprisingly familiar.

I'm NOT trying to self-diagnose myself. I'm actually posting because I'd like to know whether what I'm experiencing sounds remotely consistent with selective mutism, or whether there's another explanation that makes more sense.

The part that makes me unsure is that my difficulty seems heavily connected to the years of isolation I've experienced. I wasn't completely unable to speak throughout my life. I can talk normally in situations where I'm comfortable, and I have no problem expressing myself through text. But in public or unfamiliar social situations, actually getting the words out can become incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say, but I physically can't seem to make myself say it. It's almost like there's a disconnect between having the thought and being able to turn it into speech.

The isolation has also had a pretty significant impact on my mental health. I've become extremely self-conscious and socially anxious, and I spend a lot of time worrying about how I come across. Normal social interactions can feel mentally exhausting, and I often replay conversations afterward wondering whether I said something stupid.

It's also become a vicious cycle:

Isolation -> less social interaction -> worse communication -> more anxiety about communicating -> more isolation

I don't want to blame my parents for everything that's wrong with me. They were definitely overprotective, and I think that contributed to how isolated I became, but I also recognize that I'm responsible for working on where I am now.

So I'm curious about people who actually have selective mutism:

Does this sound similar to your experience?

How did you distinguish selective mutism from severe social anxiety, lack of social practice, or simply losing confidence and communication skills after prolonged isolation?

And if you experienced something similar after years of isolation, how did you start rebuilding your ability to communicate?

I'm not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit. I'm mainly trying to understand whether I've stumbled across a term that genuinely describes part of what I'm experiencing, or whether I'm barking up the completely wrong tree.

Im 23 and have had selective mutism since i was 12 as i am autistic.

One of the biggest things i have struggled with is making phone calls. I just cant do it. Its my absolute biggest phobia.

But that all changes today. I just made my first phone call and I spoke absolutely fine. Maybe a bkt rambley and being put on hold for 35 minutes didnt help, but I DID IT 🎉🎉🎉

Im so incredibly proud of myself and id never have been able to do this if it wasnt for my amazing university mentor.

What shall i do to celebrate???

i’m 20 years old and i am also autistic. i have had selective mutism for all my life but i’ve never been able to figure out how to communicate when i am mute. recently ive been thinking about using AAC on my ipad. i always thought that AAC was only for non-speaking autistic people but ive seen a lot of people say it’s used for other things. anyways all of that to say has anyone else used AAC and how did it work for you? are there any free apps i can use starting off?

TV Tropes has this page https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ElectiveMute which uses the former name of selective mutism. And it conflates voluntarily choosing not to speak with mutism caused by trauma or other psychological reasons. It's very confused and contradictory and the examples of the trope include characters like Kisa Sohma and Komi.

Kisa Sohma from Fruits Basket refuses to speak at all when she's first introduced, due to her classmates bullying her by laughing whenever she tried to say anything. After experiencing Tohru's kindness and encouragement, she eventually opens up and starts speaking more often.

One of my friends already edited the definition of the page. Here's what it was before:

Whereas speechless characters don't talk because they are physically incapable of speech, these characters 'can' can speak, but for some reason choose not to

Also have to look at this page for Dumbstruck: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DumbStruck because it says this:

Which is to say, a character experiencing trauma or severe emotional stress loses the ability to speak. [...] Contrast with Elective Mute, which is when a character is intentionally quiet.

It is honestly a baffling usage of the word dumbstruck to refer to someone experiencing mutism for any reason. To me, dumbstruck is a temporary and short duration thing that is caused by being surprised. And you can also see here how the two articles are contradicting themselves, because elective mute is clearly not supposed to include characters who can't speak due to trauma, but it does.

So, do we care about these two articles? And how much do we care, because I just feel numb right now and don't care about anything. I can possibly try editing the articles, though don't know much about the tvtropes community and how they will respond.

Right now, I'm thinking I let them have their trope name of "elective mute", but make them strictly adhere to their definition of it being voluntary, and remove instances of mutism that's clearly not voluntary, such as Komi, Rin, and Kisa's. At the very least, I'm not going to allow them to write that Rin and Kisa "refuse" to speak, because that is simply inaccurate.

But if you have any thoughts on the usage of elective mute or what should be done, or anything else, let me know.

I am hoping to hear what you all have to say because I would prefer not to act unilaterally. All thoughts are welcome. Say anything.

If you had told me back when my daughter was in kindergarten that she would one day speak live on the air, I wouldn’t have believed it. Back then, she was completely mute at school and outside. Like many of you, we were overwhelmed, anxious, and constantly wondering what the future would look like for our little girl.

Fast forward to today—she is in 5th grade, thriving, participating in everything, and yesterday she co-hosted a live show on FunAsia Radio with the RJ! 🎙️✨

Not only did she go on air with confidence, but she also wrote her own 2-page script completely by herself and delivered it with so much confidence and joy.

To every parent in this group navigating the heavy, quiet days of selective mutism: please don’t lose hope. Keep believing in your child, advocating for them, and taking it one small step at a time. With patience, the right support, and lots of love, children can and do find their voice.

This journey is also what inspired me to write “The Girl with the Invisible Voice” (available on Amazon). The story is based on our real-life journey and was created to help other children and families feel seen, understood, and hopeful along the way.

Never give up hope—our kids have so much strength inside them waiting to shine through. Sending love and encouragement to everyone walking this path! 💛

Like, i’ve turned 18 recently and am starting uni and finding a place to live and it’s so exhausting and stressful and hard and anxiety-inducing thinking about how things are gonna go when you have such a huge social deficit. I’m just curious about other people in similar situations. What does your life look like?

I've felt better lately.

So, I went from the beginning of the year to now. And in the start of the year, I had had it in mind that I wanted to get some things done. But things have kind of exceeded that all (what I thought).

I've now got stuff I had wanted, starting in March. Which is specific to Ariana Grande music telling and then collecting.

And from there, I also figured out how to actually make more money. Just online, in a way which was tenable for myself. But I've done very good (in that sense).

I saw Ariana Grande in concert, which I never thought would happen. Cause I just kept it a secret that I even liked that music or her. And I did even a while into the year. I got a new phone in the beginning of the year, and if I had any realistic hope that I would have seen her, I would have gone for the iPhone 17 Pro Max (which I was offered by my Dad).

Then by May-ish tickets were purchased. And by July, we then had gone to Atlanta. And I made sure to make it to the Pop Up store (as I wanted to go so bad). And it made me VERY NERVOUS to be there. But once I was in the line (waiting) it was better. And I got the Tour Exclusive vinyls (3 of the 6 that I needed).

Then my Sister/I went to the concert the same day. And when I say it's the best thing I've ever done, it's the best thing I've ever done. Seeing someone you've held so high (for so long) is just something else.

And I was sad for then having to go home. And maybe Atlanta didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to? I took pictures, but even that was "new" for me. Cause I knew I wanted to take pictures/videos, but it was "strange" for me to do that. As at any other concert, I don't care and I just wouldn't. So that was "atypical". Anyway- I did and it was good.

Anyway- I was sad to go home. So I needed to go back. And I needed to go back as many times as I could. Which would be 2 for Chicago.

...

So I then continued to make the money the way I've learned how.

I even figured out and went through with selling some stuff online. Which is not the most difficult. You just need something to sell. And boxes. And that really helped.

And I made about $1900 from July 13th-August 4th. A little more if you count my formal job.

...

We went to Chicago with no tickets. So, what I did was managing to get Waitlist tickets. And they were REALLY GOOD tickets.

And then we went the one night again (this is the 2nd time) and it went good. And I'll just say, we were CLOSE.

But then the last night was when it actually went the best. The 3rd time. Cause then I felt like I finally did it right. I did everything I wanted to do, at least in the way I could. It was as much as what I "wanted it to be", as I felt like I could make it (at least at this point in my life).

And maybe I recorded so much (cause I recorded SO MUCH), because that's my way of "expressing"? Idk. Cause I'm not dancing or singing. But it is the best time. And no other Artist would I care to see even twice, but her three times. Well I could go again and again, and I would want to.

And I feel that everything about it has just been an overall positive. The only thing I wish I had had is that iPhone 17 Pro Max.

...

So- in conclusion, I got done something. Something, that I NEVER (even at the start of this year) thought would happen. Because I simply would not divulge even the inclination of it being something I like (at all to state), or something that I wanted to do.

And now I've begun to listen to MY OWN music in the shower as well (which is something I did years ago only). In the past it was just the radio and it was so long ago. It felt like me doing it now, wouldn't translate from then. So it was just something I had to "start over" and get comfortable with again.

And that is all great.

And I even got Ariana Merch as well (the 3rd time only) that's wearable, which I REALLY like. IDK about wearing it yet, but they're hoodies. So it's not time yet anyway. But I do really like them.

And the caveat as well is straight and male, so it's sort of awkward. But with each thing, I've really "done it" and then I "do it" later, actually. So that's just how its been this year. Cause it's just a different expectation, otherwise I love it still.

Cause the way I got all done (which I wanted to get done), was first going with what I felt. And that's what I had to trust. It's why the 3rd time went as good as it did for me, cause that's how I did it.

...

Idk what's next, but this-all has been good. Cause I gotta get other things done, but it's hard. Speaking is just sort of not practiced (in my life), so it's a hard thing to come-to. So, I think I wanna practice that more, as in learning it.

And this was something I always wanted to get done, cause I didn't want it to happen YEARS down the line or just maybe never. And it was not easy. Telling was the hard part. And once you tell information, you can't take it back. And it may sound like not the biggest deal, but like- IDK it just really messed with me at the time.

...

And I feel like people may see this as lame, but to me she's Cool. I think that. And wanted to post about this. Maybe glazed over some of the detail, but it's already long.

I was diagnosed with selective mutism when I was around 11. I was absolutely horrified of being heard and refused to talk in pretty much any social situation. I'm 22 now and I've definitely gotten a lot better with speaking, but struggling with selective mutism in my formative/school years caused me to become a socially stunted adult who can never think of anything to say when being engaged in a conversation. I really struggle to connect with people because of it. I'm about to start a new job and don't want to repeat the same experience of being the only co-worker nobody knows how to talk to so they just don't. I'm wondering if anyone who is maybe in the same boat as me has any advice on how to have a conversation that doesn't end in awkward silence every other sentence. Really any advice would do!

I'm in the US and haven't been diagnosed yet but I know I have SM. I first discovered it at my first job when I was 16. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My coworkers and managers all started bullying and harassing me until I got fired. I have severe anxiety in the workplace. I can work fine though, as long as I do not have to speak. What jobs can I do like this? I have not been formally diagnosed with SM yet, but I have been diagnosed with social anxiety though. I'm not sure how to get diagnosed with it either.

Hi everyone. I hope youre all having a good day.

This post isnt exactly about myself, but rather about a very dear person in my life. For context he is 26 years old, with a history of severe panic and anxiety attacks that developed after a traumatic last year. Hes also been someone that has always struggled with studies that he never graduated high school, but hes absolutely smart in other ways. Hes a very caring and loving person. He believes hes part of the spectrum, but he lives in a country (Japan) where mental health is viewed as weakness and often critized so he was never able to get any help.

We had a rough talk the other day, it wasnt a fight, just a talk that we had to have about changes and our future, a talk that I knew would cause anxiety but I made sure that I was very comforting, and not aggressive through out the talk. I then fell asleep after, thinking everything was okay, and the next morning he woke up and told me "I dont remember how to talk" via text. He says that he wants to talk, and that hes telling his brain to talk, but he cant seem to figure out how to let the words out of his mouth. I recommended just watching videos and doing the things he love (gaming) to see if if would provide some relief, but its been well over 12 hours and hes still unable to.

I am wondering if anyone can provide me with inside if

A) this is selective mutism - as i have read that this could be it, but it seems from what i read that it mostly affect children? Byt some in young adults, but it's mostly situational. I read that un safe places it shouldn't happen, & id like to think after the storm has passed hes in a comfortable place and mindset now.

B) if anyone has advice on what should I be doing as his partner to help. Im not forcing him to talk, im just staying by his side throughout it and reassuring him to take it slow.

Pardon me if I somehow came off as offensive in any part of this post, that's not my intention. I simply want to understand more than just what Google and AI provides me so I can help my partner.

Thanks for all the help

I’ve always considered me as an introvert. My high school had a “welcome week” for the freshman. The thing is, I didn’t feel like talking in any moment, like, I did make a friend, but I don’t even remember how we started talking,( I think she started), I barely tried to make friends by my own, and I wasted chances

Whatever, the actual start of the school year is some days away, and I take for granted that I won’t have friends, that this girl will stop talking to me, that I’ll hate this school in particular, that I’ll hate this new phase, that everything next isn’t worth it

previously I never tried to get out of my shell, I even feared about telling people to stop calling my deadname, I thought I wouldnt feel like an outcast hermit anymore but I feel really bad about how I see life, and when I try to talk about it, I’m just told to stop thinking in negative. speaking has gotten harder, as if my speech wasn’t worth it

how do I erase this thoughts? I know this is locking myself into a small box, and it’s even harder because ive been thinking like this for a long time

I am going through the special education eligibility process for my 7-year-old diagnosed with selective mutism, entering 2nd grade. She’s had a 504 plan since kindergarten. As she gets older, the selective mutism has had an extreme impact on her ability to function at school and learn. I am trying to prepare for the eligibility meeting next week. If she was to qualify, what category would they put her under? For parents and individuals who have an IEP to address the selective mutism, what was it like? I saw “emotional disability” as a potential category..

I developed a coping mechanism where I put my hair in front of my face to make me feel less seen, or at least make me unnoticable, if you have questions about how selective mutism is like for me or if you have any questions about my coping mechanism, let me know!! I'm glad to answer everyrhing! :)

Just curious whether anyone has experience going into a house share with someone they don’t speak to at all?

I want (need) to leave home, I can’t afford a place to myself, so I’m considering moving in with a friend.

I’m worried about how living 24/7 without a ‘safe to speak space’ might impact me though.

My SM is on the extreme end - speak to a few family members in private, not a sound to or around anybody else. Been that way for as long as I remember.

Already when I go away for more than a few days during which I don’t speak at all, when I return I find it extremely difficult to speak again - I guess in that time I become overly sensitive to the volume of my own voice and it feels weird and I just feel self conscious even speaking to the few people I always speak to - it’s the fact I haven’t heard myself in days rather than the fact they haven’t heard me.

Then my other question is… how do you approach a friend in this sort of situation and be like ‘I want to learn to speak to you’?

As soon as I start thinking about it’s like a cascade of anxious thoughts:

- If I tell them I want to speak to learn to speak to them then they’ll expect me to act / it’s a commitment I’ll probably let them down on
- I’m afraid of the attention it’ll bring
- I’ll find it humiliating having to take these tiny steps to do something that should come naturally and that I can already do just not with them
- They might expect me to speak to them in all circumstances rather than just in private, they might get annoyed if I try to communicate non verbally in public
- They might tell people and then other friends might feel rejected or like I don’t like them as much as this friend I’ve learned to speak to - pressure to learn to speak to more people
- What if I manage a bit and it’s too much and I stop, they’ll be mad if I stop and make communication with them harder again
- If I start speaking to this friend I’ll say things impulsively and might cause upset, I’m not used to resolving conflict or discussing feelings
- I don’t know who I am as a speaking person to non-family
- …and so on.

Any thoughts or advice would be great

My child barely talked at preschool (only if I was present or when answering direct questions). He attended summer programs at that same school and talked no problem but his sister was with him for those classes.

hey y’all, new here but i am someone who was diagnosed with and “used to be” selectively mute from the ages of 4-8, particularly in school settings. although i’ve made a lot of progress with my social skills and ability to even speak (though i still have many lingering struggles), i’ve only recently realized that my progress has been limited to when i speak english.

i live in canada, and speak english, french, and my mother tongue. i spoke my mother tongue before i even learned any english at all, and am decently fluent for someone born in a country where there’s not many people around me who speak it. i’m also fluent enough in french to where my quebecois teacher assumed my parents were francophone. i’m in no way close to being a native speaker in either language, but i’m also not just “barely proficient.” i understand both of the languages well, even when the speaker is speaking in a different dialect from my own. despite that though, i can never “show off” my language skills, no matter how much i want to. particularly to family, friends, and the wider social circle of people connected to my family and friends (those are the WORST). that same ursula-stealing-my-vocal-chords-and-replacing-them-with-a-rock feeling that i’d experience in english as a child? that’s exactly what happens… but i somehow never made the connection with SM until today. maybe because i didn’t face the same stigma i would in english, and instead the other person would just assume my silence was due to a lack of fluency in the language?

i’ve also noticed that with the people i’m comfortable enough to actually speak in my other languages to, i only speak with the most basic and limited vocabulary. it makes me feel and look so dumb, but i have a fear of making a mistake and then freezing up so i stick to areas where there’s the lowest risk of that happening. i’m feeling half continued frustration from this all right now, but also half relieved and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after the issue turned out to be something “familiar.” i’m curious now to hear if this is a common experience among ppl with SM who speak more than one language?

I know there are services like IP-Relay which let you type and a human intermediary reads your text to the phone number you "called" and translates their speech into text for you. BUT are there any that don't involve a human? Like AI speech to text and text to speech? Preferably via computer because i suck at phone typing. I checked the r/deaf wiki but didn't see anything like what I'm looking for. I'm in the US if that matters.

I'm temporarily mute (jaw wired shut) and I need to update some medical account info and I really REALLY don't want to give all my account verification info to some random human intermediary.

My ASL is completely beginner level so an ASL interpreter wouldn't work for me. Plus it has the same problem.

Before anyone says it. Yes i technically can speak with jaw wired shut, but it's very hard to understand, not loud, and on top of that my autistic brain is essentially invoking selective mutism on me. It's a lot of mental work to even try to speak.

My last post should be visible on my account not sure if it will add much context or anything to this but it’s there if you want to look.

not totally sure what to flair the post so i’ve just picked venting sorry if that’s not what this is.

I’m 22 now in the uk and have made a tiny bit of progress but i just don’t feel like it’s much and it hasn’t helped me with getting a education or job and i just seem pretty stuck.

the progress: i still can’t talk to random people if i’m with someone i know like friends, family or even just people that i knew but on my own i’m now able to:

speak to staff in shops.
i can get the bus.
i can talk to strangers in public.

i don’t do any of those confidently and i don’t go out my way to create conversations, i’m still really awkward and shy.

now i feel like i’ve hit a ceiling with everything because it’s so hard talking in front of people i know that it’s holding me back from doing anything like applying for college, getting a job, getting a girlfriend, having a social life and doing anything. i spent a ton of time thinking and daydreaming about how i could be and what i want life to be like, i’m not happy usually just numb/empty and i’ll get a big wave of sadness, loneliness and get the feeling in my chest that’s hard to describe but it’s not anxiety it maybe closer to yearning i think. i’m considering trying to move away and attempting to just get on with it but i’m not really sure how to go about doing that and i’m worried if i do move away i just stay stuck in my shell not talking but now my far away from anyone i know that can help.

i know what has to been done and i know i’m the only one that can do anything about it but it’s just hard so for right now i’ve a hit a stump, it’s not all doom and gloom though as hard as it is to hope i know there is a chance for me and i’m not completely hopeless.

honestly not sure why i bother writing this but yeah guess i’ll update again if anything changes.

Edit: i just noticed my account was on hide all so i’ve switched it and it should be visible now :) it turns out i didn’t make the post i thought it did but i did write stuff in the comments that might add more context to my situation or i think i did at least. anyway it’s now there if you are interested.