like im trying to reach out to people despite how scary it is. im talking and trying not to overthink it. it scares me just doing that. i know its a good thing that i keep putting myself out there. but i havent learned how to deal with rejection or people not liking me. i know i dont sound the most confident. it just feels like im doing something wrong and i dont know what it is. like if there was a manual for this i would read it front to back at this point. i dont have a plan, im in my 20’s, and im fine with that for now. but when other people question it i get self conscious. what if my fears are true and im actually unlikable?? ugh

I had SM from ages 5-12, but in the later years I would say I was improving with speech therapy. I’ve been socially stunted ever since. It’s improved a lot and I feel like I was socially at my “peak” performance so to say a year ago; I had a group of friends and we’d plan cute hangouts or parties, I was in decently well with my sports team at school. But since then it’s kinda slipped away as I’ve found pitfalls in my social skills and lost most of my friends.

I find I’m just unable to make connections with people. I try to work with my awkwardness to make it funny (I know a guy who can do this and I think he’s hilarious), but maybe I’ve gotten lazy, or I’m just struggling with severe brain fog and my humor is just not doing what it needs to be for me to be performing properly in social situations. I’m probably just being too hard on myself since I lost my friend group last year, but every friendship I try to make just never goes anywhere and I feel like a weirdo that nobody likes that much. I feel like people think I’m okay enough to be around but they wouldn’t choose to be partnered with me for a project or to invite to the after-work/school party they are having.

I dunno I feel like I’ve given up and I just can’t properly be social anymore. I can brainstorm why people don’t like me all day but it’s not going to help because my vibe must be totally bad or something. At my last couple side jobs i made “enemies”, then at my career job the leadership likes me but im not fun to hangout with at outside of work events apparently, and in general i feel like no one would CHOOSE to hang out with me over another option. So I don’t talk to anyone at school anymore, or when I start my new job I’m going to keep to myself. I give up!! I have my wonderful husband at least and my parents. And I have a couple friends I check in with here and there, but I think it’s wraps for me besides that. Hey, at least I got the hardest relationship to attain secured and bagged a husband— it’s hard to find the one when the romance scene is in shambles these days. All in all, I think my social slowness is coming to a head at this time in my life and I’m seeing very clearly where my years of having SM really stunted my social development. And I’m getting too old to catch up since my brain is almost fully developed. My parents are complementary to me and say people just feel threatened by my drive to succeed/my kind, genuine personality/talents in xyz, etc, but I feel they are just biased. I don’t think I’m better than anyone either so I would hope I’m not giving off some kind of bad competitive energy. I just feel like my years of being mute messed me up and I can’t keep up socially and don’t know how to catch up.

Anyway- hopefully somebody can relate to some of this or at least understand. I feel so bottled up about all this and no one in my circle can relate to me in that way. If you have any advice or words of encouragement I’d love to hear it, or even if anyone relates lmk!! Thanks if you read all this i appreciate it <3

And please be kind in the comments I’m not looking for any hateful energy 😭** **

I was already an introvert, but this has made it much worse.

I have a naturally deep voice and people often say it sounds Haryanvi. I’m actually not from Haryana, but since my first year of college people have repeatedly asked me, “Are you from Haryana?” because of my voice.

I’m also fair and people sometimes tell me I look like a foreigner, so when I speak, they sometimes comment that my voice “doesn’t match my face.”

Recently, a friend told me that her boyfriend said my voice isn’t attractive and that boys care about a girl’s voice/tone, which apparently is why no one approaches me.

I know I probably shouldn’t care about these comments, but they’ve really gotten into my head. I was insecure about speaking before, and now I’ve reached a point where I avoid speaking altogether because I’m scared people will judge my voice.

I hate that something I can’t naturally change has affected my confidence this much.

Has anyone else dealt with insecurity about their voice or accent? How did you become comfortable speaking again?

this topic was brought up in one of the discord servers i'm in, and while i wasn't part of the discussion it confused me a bit. one user said something along the lines of "selectively mute person" and another (who i am fairly certain is not affected by selective mutism themself) replied that that term was offensive according to this source: https://www.accessibility.com/glossary/mute but i don't see any clear reason it's considered offensive here, and only seems to be talking about the term "deaf-mute" (which is an entirely different and largely inaccurate term, to my knowledge).

the other user also said that a better term would be "nonspeaking" but not "nonverbal" because apparently "nonverbal" has a connotation of not understanding any words at all. i haven't heard of this definition either.

while i can definitely understand that you should never use "mute" as a noun (ex. "a mute") i don't understand not using it as an adjective? i would really just like some clarification from people who actually have firsthand experience with SM! thank you in advance.

I have had SM since I was 7. I’m 21 now and getting my bachelors degree. In some ways I have gotten better but recently I’ve been avoiding people more and it’s made a lot of old feelings and habits come back.

I got stuck with what essentially is a seminar class this semester. I had to switch out of a class last minute and this was the only one available.

First day rolls around and I’m feeling OK, thinking that since this is a small group this won’t be so bad and I can just push through it and maybe this could be good for me. I was so wrong

We were handed this “game” activity where we had to work together as a team toward a common goal. I’ll admit the activity was quite complex and involved holding a lot of info in the working memory. This activity was unrelated to coursework and just a team building exercise.

When I get really nervous, it gets hard for me to break down complex instructions on the spot. Once I started reading the handout I was soon PANICKING. Everything kept jumbling together and not making sense. At this moment I felt completely screwed and like I was just about to piss everyone off with my incompetence.

We went around the room describing our roles. I was last. I swear my whole body tensed up and I felt like I was choking. I got out some words about my role but there were many long pauses between phrases. It was so fucking embarrassing. I felt like everyone probably thought i was the dumbest person they’ve ever encountered. Everyone kind of ignored me after that. I did speak up at some points to get the activity moving but I don’t think it was enough to earn a passing grade.

I have to go back on Tuesday and I’m honestly terrified. I feel so ashamed about myself. I feel like I just need to “grow the f up” and I am truly trying. I don’t know what I’m going to do this semester. I feel so dumb and incapable. I want to hide forever

I immediately hate people who tell me “why are you so quiet” “have you always been so quiet” “speak already” etc..

Had our first apt with the uk mental health services on Friday for our 4 year old. They suspects he may have selective mutism. We’re back next Friday without him to delve deeper into his issues.

I finally feel like we’re being listened to! After 2 years of waiting for some sort of apt and nearly a year of his school teachers saying there is no issues with him, we’re getting somewhere!!

Does anyone else have young children that are going through the same? I’m so exhausted by it all, I’d hate to know how my little man feels ☹️

Had our first apt with the uk mental health services on Friday for our 4 year old. They suspects he may have selective mutism. We’re back next Friday without him to delve deeper into his issues.

I finally feel like we’re being listened to! After 2 years of waiting for some sort of apt and nearly a year of his school teachers saying there is no issues with him, we’re getting somewhere!!

Does anyone else have young children that are going through the same? I’m so exhausted by it all, I’d hate to know how my little man feels ☹️

i have to take public speaking or a different type of communications class for my major, but i would rather take public speaking because it'll transfer over to the school i'm planning to go to. whereas the other class (which i wouldn't need to speak) would not transfer and i'd need to take some kind of communication class over at the new school.

so basically school starts tomorrow, and my public speaking class is online (a lifesaver), but we have to do what is essentially zoom meetings where we give speeches. i have to present in front of my classmates online, which i literally cannot talk online whether it be zoom meetings or playing video games with voice chat on.

idk i feel like i have this weird thing where i can't talk online. it just gives me a different type of awkward and anxiety because the whole meeting is recorded and anyone in my class can view it at any time. i wanted to email my professor about my accommodations, which state that if a speaking is required for an assignment, that i'd have an alternative option, but would that just be wasting my time? it feels very demeaning to have to ask for this type of request, since this is a public SPEAKING class.

i have about a week to drop the course and maybe i should switch to the other class. i'm afraid if i pass on this course then i would not know how to present/give a speech later in my future career. any advice is appreciated!! i unfortunately do not have people in my life who support or understand my SM :(

I’ve been on this subreddit for quite a while now and have noticed that a majority of people with SM who post here are either teenagers or people in their early to mid-20’s. I’m wondering if there are any other older adults here who still have SM? I’m in my 30’s and still have it. It’s gotten a lot better over the years but I wouldn’t say that I’ve fully recovered.

Ive got a lot of trouble speaking to my family.

For some background, im still a teen and i live in a family where my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and my mom still act like one big family. ive got no dad, ive got one uncle and one aunt and each of them an in-law uncle and aunt. all of them migrated to other countries so i live with my mom and my grandparents. ive got one older cousin from my uncle and a toddler cousin from my aunt. i dont have any siblings and neither do my cousins.

Im a very approachable person, i dont stray from public speaking and im well known in my school. I dont have any problem speaking with anybody i dont know or do know, the problem is with my family and i guess people from my childhood.

My family is the kindest you could ever get, theyre supportive and they dont pry (most of the times). My uncle and my aunt (his wife) are the sweetest people you could meet. I just dont get why everytime they call i hide in my room and if they ask to see me i hide under the covers. I cant muster any words so i just nod or use my hands to their questions. I love them so very much and i hate myself for not being able to express myself.

My aunt and her toddler moved back for personal reasons. Its not too big of an issue with them, but its still an issue. I can hold conversations with them but sometimes its just a few words.

I can speak fine with my mother and grandparents, i just dont reveal anything personal with them.

The biggest issue still is with my uncle and aunt. I feel so horrible not being able to respond to them, but it feels like my throat closes everytime i try to speak.

I’m looking for advice from people who have selective mutism themselves, parents, or anyone familiar with SM.
My 7-year-old sister has selective mutism, and I’m trying to learn how to respond appropriately when we’re out in public. I know that we’re not supposed to pressure her to speak, ask her to “use her words,” point out that she’s shy, or explain her SM to people in front of her, or speak about her as though she isn’t there. I also understand that constantly speaking for her isn’t ideal here either. So I’m struggling with what to actually do in those little everyday situations.

For example, we were at a store and the person at the register asked her if she wanted a lollipop and my sister immediately looked away and became visibly shy, but then looked at me. I could tell she wanted to say yes and she even seemed like she wanted to nod, but she couldn’t get herself to respond.

In a situation like that, what is the best thing for me to do or say?

I also worry about situations where someone gives her something and she doesn’t say “thank you.” I obviously don’t want to force her to say it, but I also don’t want her to come across as rude. Is there an appropriate way to handle that without putting attention on her inability to respond?

And one thing I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have SM themselves: what did you find helpful (or unhelpful) when family members handled situations like this for you as a child?
I really want to support her without accidentally increasing the pressure or making her feel like everyone is waiting for her to talk. Any advice would be appreciated!

I know someone with SM and felt a weird, unsettling kind of sadness to hear that she has spent more time crying in public than talking in public. Is this a usual thing?

LONG POST Warning ⚠️

I want to share my 7 year old daughter's SM journey with this group because I wouldn't be able to help her if I didn't understand the struggles and successes that I read on here.

My daughter was selectively mute since she was 4. Her daycare was amazing at accommodating her, but public school was a different story. We had an uphill battle almost every other week with the principal, assistant principal, counselor, and her teacher trying to explain to them about SM and the intervention we needed. All we asked was for 10-15 minutes one on one time with her teacher once a week to build comfort and relationship. We were met with a lot of resistance and by the end of first grade, my daughter SM seemed to be getting worse. It was affecting her in every way, and it broke my heart that she was unable to be herself at school like the other kids. I could tell how much she wanted to talk and be normal but she just couldn't....The only thing we accomplished was getting an IEP in place before the school year ended. That's when I started joining every possible SM group to understand what others are doing about their SM.

I got so many good useful pieces of advice and understanding here both from the parents and the adults who struggle with SM. Over the summer, I started implementing some of those tools and hoping for the best. And I'm glad they worked!! Please don't lose hope and keep working on it. Small wins will turn into a big win at the end.

Sharing below what I did this summer with my daughter in the following order, as I hope it would help someone out there going through this:

- give her small nonverbal challenges: when someone says good morning or hi, look them in the eyes and smile or wave back. She agreed to do this with me because it was nonverbal. I would take her to the library or parks to practice this with me.

- say hi to other kids or even toddlers/babies at the park/library. This was less scary than saying hi to adults and also practice saying one word at an environment that she's already comfortable with. If she couldn't, then I would say hi first and facilitate her to say after me.

- say hi to the librarian, ask librarian for a clue with their scavenger hunt, or check out a book with the librarian. Practice saying thank you to them. This was practicing with talking to another adult but in an environment that was not scary for her already. I would be the facilitator initially until she's able to do it on her own.

- give compliments to other kids at the park, library, or store.

- order for herself at McDonald's or Chick-fil-A. She knew the menu so she was able to order for herself. I would give the staff a heads up and they would be very patient with us. It also helps with her little sister being there ordering for herself too.

- by pure luck, I was able to find a tutor over the summer who also happens to be her upcoming second grade teacher. I didn't tell her it would be her 'teacher' so the anxiety wouldn't kick in. We did a lot of fade in techniques at our house with this tutor before she was able to use her full voice with the tutor/teacher. We transitioned to a public setting once she was able to use her full voice.

- I sent her to summer day camp almost every day at our local ymca so she can continue to practice with her challenges without me around. She was surrounded by kids her age and teenagers/young adults so it was already not a scary place for her.

- we ended up transferring to another public school instead of fighting with the same one. Starting over, like a clean slate for her and us. The week before school started, I took her to the school playground almost every evening so she can get familiar with her new surroundings.

- we took 3 private tours inside the school (new principal and counselor are amazing) so she can be comfortable with the environment without all the teachers and kids around. She also used her voice in the empty hallway during the tour.

- we were allowed 30 minutes one on one time with the teacher in their classroom the week before school starts so she can spend time with just her and her teacher to build comfort and be able to use her voice when it's just the 2 of them.

I truly believe having a supportive warm teacher really helped us because she felt safe enough on the first day of school and was able to use her voice. She even did a show and tell in front of her new classmates during that first week of school! All the small challenges over the summer give her some confidence in the classroom. Please don't give up on your journey and keep on fighting! Every small win matters, even the nonverbal ones.

Is anyone anxious about going out in their hometown? I absolutely hate it and the thought of seeing my current classmates or even my old classmates is killing me. When I’m on a vacation or even on a little trip out of my city I feel 100 times better.

I'm not saying it's easy, but I kind of feel like getting my own food at this point. I have the means. I think I'd even pay for it. But like....idk.

But I feel more and more each day, maybe.

Like Burger King or something. Plus they got that 3 for $7 deal which is pretty good. I'm tired of just doing everything that's already done for me, I guess. IDK.

It's just annoying. Also how the cars are parked, mine is always blocked in. So that's further annoying. And it makes sense, since I go out the least, but it's annoying as fuck.

And also I feel like I'd just want to tell this to someone (like in the family). Or just generally tell. I guess 'how I feel' (in terms of such things).

I've overcome mine since i was 14 years old and i'm 21 now but its left lingering depression on me that caused me to live many years of being mentally ill. does anyone else wonder what things would've been like if they'd had the same classmates, friends, and teachers but without the debilitating disorder that ruined things?

im asking because whenever i think back to my school years, there's a deep sense of sadness in my chest that i can't shake. i was basically an outsider but deep down, i really did want to have friends and connections. all this time, ive just wanted to be cared for and care in return. idk what has come over me this month as i rarely thought about my classmates after many years have passed but suddenly cant help but feel sad about the opportunities that i missed. ofc, people were nice to me too but i was only close with a few people and even then, ive drifted away from everyone i used to know entirely.

I've done a few things lately.

I've sold Items online (which I talked about), but going to the Post Office. First with my Mom, then with my Dad to drop them off. I think I just need to do that more. As well as maybe myself.

I've bought items. Particularly more recently to sell items. So, I want to do that more. And I've gotten real good at buying things (didn't even really do it till this year). Too good; spending too much. But my idea is to make it all back....but then I just keep spending it. Though lately, on items just to sell to "make back". And I will, but it just takes time.

...

I went to the Pizza Place with my Mom. I got the "pick up" told to the lady. And it was actually pretty fine. I speak pretty fine in those situations now. At least fine-enough. Not many words, just the bare minimum. Maybe need to do that more, it seems plausible.

...

I've gotten that Ariana Grande merch, which I've wanted. And I think the next step there is just to wear it. It's just too hot.

...

And then maybe I should start texting people. And I feel like I could, particularly my family. Actually, yeah I just mean my family. But, what do I say? So, the idea sort of kills itself. I want to text, great...but what?

Conversation, is just- lacking skill. I'm not even good at it online. It's why for as much as time as I spend online, I never really make beyond mutual "friends" (not even very officially). And I spend time online, where you make mutual acquaintances. Very much so. But that's where it stays. I actually do so on Twitter, Ariana Twitter. IDK, it's just easy to talk about that. I've always been better speaking about things, rather than purely about myself.

I've been trying to tell and share "stories" on there recently (real stories), so that I want to keep doing.

I also want to share things with my family more, cause again I just can't converse. It would help if I just shared. I think I want to be asked questions by my family and share. Like "what's your favorite album?", which would be "Sweetener". Obviously.

...

And I'm very just used-to things....things how they are. And that's a tough one to break.

When I traveled to Atlanta or Chicago to see Ariana Grande, things felt different then. But then they go back to how they were when you get home. Different, but how they were. It's just a way I'm used to living (how I live). That's hard to change.

Even if I felt like a lot of things have changed, maybe also a lot hasn't changed. Or that (maybe) things have just changed within "what I'm used to". And maybe that's what I wanted, but also I gotta expand that also.

Maybe it would be nice to expand that, but I think it's because I just don't really know how to. I don't have the experience.

But being in both those Cities was just a really nice experience, even if I couldn't make them "more" than what I am currently capable of. Those experiences had to still be restrained by myself.

They could have been a lot more and different, probably. Probably in a very good way or a fun way. But also it's hard to imagine. My experience is just limited, when it can probably be a much bigger experience if it were not limited. And I am the limitation.

I’ve struggled with social anxiety and fear of confrontation for years, but the hardest part is how automatic my reactions feel.
If someone gets angry with me, raises their voice, or confronts me, especially at work, my mind almost shuts down. I get anxious, my voice changes, I can’t organize my thoughts properly, and I may apologize, give in, or ignore my own rights just to make the tension stop. Later, when I’m calm, I know exactly what I should have said.
I also had an embarrassing experience years ago involving certain people, and since then I **always** feel tense around them. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed or how much I understand logically that there’s no danger. My body still reacts automatically.
Another thing that really affects me is my body language. People often describe me as extremely calm, stiff, or emotionally flat. Some have even told me they can’t imagine me running, jumping, dancing, getting into a fight, or even genuinely getting angry. It’s like my whole physical presence looks restrained and controlled all the time.
The strange part is that I don’t feel calm inside. I feel a lot. I just seem unable to express that energy naturally through my body, my face, my voice, or confrontation.
All of this has started to affect the way I see myself. I criticize myself constantly and feel trapped inside this version of me that other people see. I feel suffocated by it. More than anything, I just want to feel free — to move naturally, express myself, get angry when I need to, stand up for myself, and stop freezing when there’s conflict.
I’ve improved in some areas with treatment, but this part is still there.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Especially the combination of freezing during confrontation, being unable to show anger, and having very rigid or “cold” body language?
What actually helped you change it?

Asking since someone I know has implied to me theirs actually seems to have gotten worse, and I thought it was one of those things that typically only gets better.

I have thought about positing this a few times, but each time decided not to as I didn’t feel the timing was right. I’ve also posted in this forum before, asking for help, so you may be familiar with the back story.

A quick background, we noticed from about 2 years old that our child would not communicate in social settings (childcare, with friends etc), at the time we thought it was aged based & communication would come with time. At 4, they moved from childcare to a small kindy and this transition really highlighted how non verbal they were in certain situations, which is when we started to look into SM and working with health professionals for a diagnosis.

Over the past 12 months we have tried a number of activities and are seeing positive steps forward. There are still situations where they will completely shut down.

I am hoping by sharing below what is working can help other families. Please share anything that is working for you as well, as we are learning as we go!

1. Continuous discussions with their teacher, ensuring we are aligned
2. Working with a speech pathologist (although expensive), appears to have helped
3. Asking if they would like to order (e.g ice cream, item at shop etc)
4. Giving encouragement, saying how proud we are even if they did not speak
5. Saying it is ok not to talk- only when you feel safe

6. When they say something funny, I might say “you should share this with x friend, I reckon that would make them laugh”.

7. Recognising that there are certain social situations with big personalities, which can be intimidating. In these cases, I time arrival accordingly (being late, so can sneak in) or we might not attend

8. Getting to kindy 10 mins early, to allow time to settle in, play on playground etc.

We are still very much on this journey, but the difference has been huge.

I've spent a pretty significant portion of the last 6 years in near-complete social isolation, with very little meaningful interaction with other people.

I don't think I fully realized how much that affected me until I started having to function in public again.

I can type. I can write. I can communicate perfectly well online. But when I'm actually standing in front of another person, it's like my brain suddenly forgets how language works. I struggle to get words out, I stumble over sentences, I overthink every response, and sometimes I genuinely can't speak at all.

The bigger issue is that the isolation hasn't just affected my ability to communicate. It's affected my mental health in ways I'm still trying to understand.

Being disconnected from people for that long has made me extremely self-conscious and socially anxious. I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about how I come across, replaying conversations in my head, and wondering whether I said something stupid. Even relatively normal social situations can feel mentally exhausting.

And there's a particularly frustrating cycle to it: I'm isolated because I struggle to interact with people, but the lack of interaction makes me even worse at interacting with people.

I've jokingly described myself as "technically mute" for the last couple months, but recently I came across the term selective mutism, and some of the descriptions sounded surprisingly familiar.

I'm NOT trying to self-diagnose myself. I'm actually posting because I'd like to know whether what I'm experiencing sounds remotely consistent with selective mutism, or whether there's another explanation that makes more sense.

The part that makes me unsure is that my difficulty seems heavily connected to the years of isolation I've experienced. I wasn't completely unable to speak throughout my life. I can talk normally in situations where I'm comfortable, and I have no problem expressing myself through text. But in public or unfamiliar social situations, actually getting the words out can become incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say, but I physically can't seem to make myself say it. It's almost like there's a disconnect between having the thought and being able to turn it into speech.

The isolation has also had a pretty significant impact on my mental health. I've become extremely self-conscious and socially anxious, and I spend a lot of time worrying about how I come across. Normal social interactions can feel mentally exhausting, and I often replay conversations afterward wondering whether I said something stupid.

It's also become a vicious cycle:

Isolation -> less social interaction -> worse communication -> more anxiety about communicating -> more isolation

I don't want to blame my parents for everything that's wrong with me. They were definitely overprotective, and I think that contributed to how isolated I became, but I also recognize that I'm responsible for working on where I am now.

So I'm curious about people who actually have selective mutism:

Does this sound similar to your experience?

How did you distinguish selective mutism from severe social anxiety, lack of social practice, or simply losing confidence and communication skills after prolonged isolation?

And if you experienced something similar after years of isolation, how did you start rebuilding your ability to communicate?

I'm not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit. I'm mainly trying to understand whether I've stumbled across a term that genuinely describes part of what I'm experiencing, or whether I'm barking up the completely wrong tree.