The past few years of my life have been more or less a train wreck . I’m 24M . Firstly. At the age of 20 i transitioned to female. And posted all the awkwardness of the early stages online. lost many friends from that. Went to university in 2021 when i was 20, first year went okay. Summer going into second year i had my first bout of what may be called “spiritual psychosis” or “spiritual emergence”? Anyway, it was euphoric for a few weeks then flipped and i cut my hair off , posted it all online and later became severely embarrassed by what i had shared, among grieving an impulsive haircut . Second year university was coming up, and from all the chaos of psychosis , online posting , ongoing transition, being alone in my dorm, haircut grief and low confidence, my nervous system just became absolutely fried. The following school year was hellish to say the least, but somehow i made it through. Little did i know it would only get worse from here .

Summer of 3rd year i did acid and it sent me into spiritual psychosis AGAIN but worse this time. By the end of the summer i was in the psych ward from nervous system overload, delusion, just hypersensitive and painful body symptoms which overwhelmed me and led me to near suicide . I went to rehab (which cost $30k) just after but yet again somehow managed to make it to third year University. All the while sharing my experiences online, oh also shaved my head. The haircutting has a reason i don’t feel like sharing here but it just complicates everything yet again. Fucked nervous system, but i’m back in school still in my MTF transition.

School year ends, i yet again made it thru somehow not without a huge amount of stress, but it wasn’t quite as hellish as second year. The summer comes around again . And you guessed it . **BOOM** psychosis . I didn’t even use drugs this time except maybe some stimulants i was prescribed . This was the worst one. I went on a couple month long tirade online posting song lyrics i thought were god speaking to me and notes app writings . Destroying my reputation at university and online friendships. to give some more detail. I had one instagram account for friends i met at university, and another that i had prior to that for other friends a lot of them being solely online. Over these two accounts i posted 800 times each over the course of a few months . Shit went so wrong . I came to my senses later and was absolutely devastated. Oh yeah, i also ended up dropping out at this time due to my mental health. So i moved back with my mom, while having severe public embarrassment internet psychosis , AND decided to detransition. Lost just about everything during this time, and to top it all off i received a $50k (CAD) inheritance which i more or less fully blew due to my mental health. This was all back in 2024. Since then ive been living with mom/dad . Unemployed, though i did have a job for a few months . But to be honest all the shit that went down absolutely fried me. I was more or less a severely suicidal genderfucked zombie for 2 yrs.

That is until this summer . When things started to get a lil better i was feeling less ashamed of my past, more secure in my gender , and I was planning to go back to Univeristy, unfortunately not as nice as school as the prior one but it was something . Then BOOM you guess it . Psychosis part 3 or 4? This was just a month or two ago now . Posted online more tactfully this time, less embarrassing, still embarrassing tho. i did get banned from a nice skincare clinic after their AI chat bot got me thinking i was special. I texted their bot shit about selling babies foreskin, the elite flipping embryos, fucking idk bro it’s fucked but i got banned and im real embarrassed about that. Some poor girl in that clinic was probably reading my psychotic messages concerned and confused. I also sent an evil stream of messages to a 8 people family group chat which led to my dad getting me admitted to the ward . The 4th time my parents called the cops on me for my mental health in the past 4 years ? I was in the ward for 3 days this time. Then when i got out my Dad had me locked out of the house after i got out the ward. so i was on the street for 2 days after. I guess he was trying to prove a point. Oh yeah, i also tried to reestablish contact with some ppl from my old university on instagram . Really should have just left em in the past because im embarrassed by that too now. Due to my mental health this summer. My chance at university this year is gone. Revoked by my parents who are my sole source of funding.

Maybe next year? Idk, all i do know is i can’t get this shit out of my head now. Not sure what condition i have . Psychiatrist says it’s Borderline personality disorder. I read up on something called “Pathological Demand Avoidance” which seems accurate too, maybe AuADHD, narcissistic traits and nervous system sensitization . The gist is i’m a fuck, with about the messiest past and reputation you can have. Just endless embarrassment. It’s a fuck. World is a fuck. I could use some advice on how to treat myself with some compassion, or if i’m even worth that at this point. I feel like such a failure. On top of all this now i feel extremely guilty for what i have put my family through, the huge amount of money and time i have wasted, and i have no friends at the moment. I certainly have felt worse in the past than i do now. But the embarrassment still kills me daily. I’m probably forgetting some shit to include here too. Forgive me if i have to add more later.. I just need some advice on how to turn my life around. I know i’m not a bad person, and i have a lot of potential too, i don’t want my life to go to waste. Thanks for reading .

TLDR: Transitioned (MtF) in 2021. Went to university the same year. Consecutive years of periodic psychosis led to me dropping out of university in 2024, detransitioning and moving back in with parents with severe suicidality for years following. I’m somewhat better now, but still struggle regularly with extremely embarrassing and painful memories .

i feel soo fucking invalid i do nothing but cat scratches and occasional styros and i don't have many scars and just feel like i m doing this for attention and yk what no one knows that i cut except my bsf and i feel like i ruined the fucking friendship by telling her agahhh GOD I HATE EVERYTHING before i use to do it just to cope with shit and now i sometimes do it just cuz i feel like i deserve or need pain and the other day mom saw my scratches and asked abt them and i was like i had a rash and itched too hard and she fucking believed it i dont fucking know how she did but yeahh and btw my parents dont believe in mental health and shit so i m not getting any help for a long time and i feel fucked up sryy this is my first venting post and i m 2 dayss clean (longest since july) soo yeahh that's itt thanxxx

Hey there!!
Hope you've had a good day and enjoyed it, if not then don't worry, things will be fine, i mean stuff goes up and down, just keep on moving!
alright so.....I'm-screwed
up until now, 3 doctors have told me to go and see a professional psychiatrist and take medicines, but but but but! given my condition and situation, i really can't and i've tried several times. I keep failing duh-
Now listen here!
I've lost 3 of my closest friends-and it sucks but hey people come and go AND THEY'RE NOT DEAD! it's just something happened which- ANYWAYS IT's neither of our fault. just really complicated so don't make any assumptions about it.
Yes, I'm absolutely suicidal even tho i don't really wanna end it all, no i'm not making FUN of it or anything like that but i've given 17 shots-Yes i sometimes self harm-maybe? nah it depends on my persona. masochist/sadist shit-ANYWAYS!!
i've been suffering with apathy and burnouts and sort of depression at night daily. I'm also struggling with this personality thing since like 3-4 years. it's like alter egos but i'm not sure what it exactly is...
currently I've been idolising a certain genre of characters to cope (the characters include, Nagumo Yoichi, Dazai, Douma, Furuta, etc.) call me anything but i'm far beyond the point of reacting or caring to any sort of criticism. this is probably a rant or vent wtv you call it....
i've decided to take a break from most of my social connections, only talking a really small circle of people who give me a good time.
in the end i'm just a guy who in the day is idolising and larping his fav persona, and being popular at school, while people enjoy my company at their fullest and love me, and at night i'm just exhausted and tired of like everything that i just lose my strength and all that energy..
did I MENTION ABOUT ME NOT BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION WITHOUT COFFEE!?...
and since I am yapping, might as well state that i often have a clenching pain in my chest, sometimes it hurts while breathing sometimes it hurts for no reason or when i'm thinking, sometimes my BP just stoops low and my heart rate spikes, AND
AND AND AND I despise and hate mediocrity... :3

So for context i am diagnosed with bipolar 2 and conduct disorder for now. However theres this thing i cant wrap my head around. Im dating my bf, and we’ve been together for 8 months. And theres this thing like I’m obsessed with ex? I don’t know how to say it but i keep stalking her, asking chat gpt and friends who’s prettier so on. He’s been with her for 3 months and never loved her, i even read some of their old chats and he hasn’t shown much interest in her. And no matter how many times he reassures me that I’m prettier and he loves me i just cant let it go. And i know about retroactive jealousy but wouldn’t reassurance from friends and him help with that? And every time it’s like knifes poking my whole body when i look at her page and i feel like I’m starting to go crazy. He never once mentioned her and she even has a bf and I’m still unable to let go. How do i help this, or what is this called?

I dont have anyone in my life I can tell this to so here i am in reddit. Im 19, and I’ve been living in this miserable feeling for years now. I live in the middle east, in a not "extremely" religious country, but of course I was unfortunate to be born in a family that is. I'm grateful that I have a home to live, can afford necessities and dont have any disabilities so I feel guilty that i'm even complaining about this, its like my burdens are so small compared to others, but I'm sorry, I'm exhausted today and i need an outlet so pardon me.

I've had to endure extreme emotional and physical abuse my entire life, from hitting, insulting, humiliating, to being threatened to be killed/kicked out,etc... and to this day i still experience this. I'm supposed to be used to it. Not reacting to attacks and letting words pass from an ear to another & just ignoring it. but I'm in a state where i've been holding out too much that now anything gets to me. i suppose a "sensory overload"? well im no professional i cant diagnose myself but i've been feeling a huge unexplainable spur of emotions this past year. Perhaps bc it was my first year in uni so everything is overwhelming and new to me. My first year just ended and I still cannot adapt at all. I dont have friends and my grades are incredibly bad i even had to retake 2 classes than i failed again this semester. I try to study but i dont have any motivation… i also think i have ocd, i mean ive only noticed it this year thinking everything ive been doing was normal, or these random thoughts hurting people around me that make me feel like a horrible criminal, these thoughts have been following me forever but have gotten worse this year, along with me not being able to concentrate on anything. Esp things that are important in my career later on. nothing in my life is working out. my friends in high school are ghosting me. And even my online friends dont gaf… i dont have a single soul talking to me other than my family members. And even then we dont have normal conversations just screaming and treating me like their worker which feels like shit. I cant even make them proud with my grades bc theyre all awful like i said. im just there being useless, taking up space and wasting people’s money and energy on me. I feel shameful for just existing. Thats why i plan to kiII myself this week By overdosing. I only hope it works and i don’t embarrass myself and have my family waste money on any hospital bills if i survive. You may say things like "oh did you even try" but i did its just the odds have always been against me. its a lose-lose situation, so I'd rather go with the lesser damage option. I’ll really miss reading mangas and so much more games ive always wanted to try but, if i’ll never be good enough to get them then there’s no point.

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I'm 22 and I feel like I've spent the last few years watching my life pass by.

A particular addiction ended up consuming a huge part of my college life. Because of it, I avoided a lot of things I should have been doing. When placement season came, I didn't attend. I ignored referrals and opportunities that could have helped me start a career.

Now I'm unemployed and living with my parents.

The strange thing is that my parents aren't forcing me to get a job. They've been supportive and patient with me. Instead of appreciating that, I've often become distant, irritated, selfish and unsympathetic toward them. I hate admitting that because they probably deserve much better from me.

What scares me most is that I'm not ignorant of what's happening.

I know the consequences of staying unemployed. I know the career gap keeps growing. I know people my age are moving forward while I'm standing still. I know my parents won't always be around to support me.

I know all of this, yet I still struggle to act.

I've fallen into a cycle of avoidance. I avoid something important, feel guilty about it, distract myself, then feel even worse and avoid even more.

I also have a lot of perfectionist thinking. If one thing goes wrong, I sometimes feel like the entire day or week is ruined, so I stop trying altogether.

Over the last few years I've become very interested in philosophy and ideas like nihilism, antinatalism, meaning, existence, etc.

But there's something that bothers me about that.

Even though I spend so much time thinking about these things, I've also become increasingly hedonistic and materialistic. I chase comfort, food, entertainment, distractions and whatever makes me feel good in the moment.

Sometimes I wonder whether my philosophical thoughts are genuine or whether I'm using them as another way to escape reality.

And lately, the self-destructive side of all this has become darker.

I've had suicidal thoughts, and there have been times when I've genuinely felt like ending my life might be the only way to escape this cycle.

I'm not saying this because I want attention or sympathy. It's actually one of the things that scares me about myself. I don't necessarily want my life to end—I want this version of my life, this constant avoidance and feeling of being stuck, to end. But sometimes my mind doesn't seem to distinguish between the two.

I still go to the gym. I still eat, watch things, use the internet and find things that temporarily distract me. From the outside, I probably don't look like someone who's completely falling apart.

But internally I feel incredibly disconnected from my future.

I spend more time thinking than doing.

The hardest part is that I can't blame anyone else. A lot of the opportunities I missed were because of my own decisions.

I know I'm only 22. I know I could potentially rebuild my career and my life from here. But emotionally, I don't always believe that.

So I'm asking people who have actually been through something similar:

Did you ever reach a point where you felt like you'd destroyed your own future?

Did you deal with addiction, self-destructive behaviour, nihilistic thinking, avoidance, unemployment or suicidal thoughts—and somehow manage to rebuild yourself?

How did you get yourself to care again?

How did you stop chasing immediate pleasure and start taking responsibility for your future and the people around you?

If you were 22, unemployed and basically starting from zero, what would you do first?

I don't want people to tell me that everything will magically be fine.

I want to know how people actually got themselves out.

Because I don't want to wake up at 25 or 30 and realize that I spent those years exactly the same way.

I have so many prescribed to me at this point. ADHD depression, anxiety. And another one I can’t remember, maybe it’s because of the concussion, but I seem to be working fine. :D

TL;DR: I am undiagnosed with extremely low empathy. I want to love and support my friends and family but I am finding it extremely difficult to do so and even starting to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them but I feel like I'm losing control of myself to my fears and I need to know how to stop this before I do something stupid and lose someone I love forever.

I am undiagnosed, and I don't know if there's something deeper going on here, but something new has showed up after a massive episode of being mentally unable to get out of bed without almost crying last year.

This year everything seems better! My brother is doing better in his life, my best friend is willing to talk about her life more often, my projects are going better, and I'm understanding how to pace myself. Plus, I got a boyfriend! I should be happy, I should be excited.

The problem is that when my emotions get worse, I can't do anything. Where, last year, I couldn't get out of bed, this year I can't go to sleep. I don't understand why, but every conversation with anyone (despite the fact I get energy from talking to people) just mentally hurts me. I get bored really quickly and I feel like a drag in the conversation and even when I try to make it fun again, the problem always just comes back to the fact that I'm the problem. I'm unhappy because I'm part of the conversation.

I feel little to no empathy. I don't feel people's emotions and I only understand them and come to my own emotional conclusion if I understand the feelings and why they happen. I can sympathize and feel compassion (Like I'm sorry it happened, I'm sad FOR you, not WITH you). I also struggle to feel love unless I know a person on a very intimate level which leaves my close friends as the only people I feel like I can truly describe as "Loved ones"

My family, I suppose I'd be sad if I lost them, almost incapacitated even, but I only feel a real bond with my older sister. With my boyfriend it's the same. We've only known one another six months and the relationship is one month old, but I feel little connection to him. The issue is that whenever I try to explain this to other people, they say I should break up with him because I 'don't love him obviously'. This is the most attraction I've ever felt to anyone EVER. I like him a lot and I feel more of a bond to him than I feel to most people who are categorically closer to me emotionally since I know more about them than I do him.

I don't know why, but I've started to panic and be intensely emotionally hurt when people leave me alone (Which is not their responsibility, they have their own lives; but for some reason that logic doesn't help me at all). I want to be supportive and to help my friends and boyfriend through whatever issues they have, I want to be a good girlfriend and a good friend and a better person, but I just... can't.

I begin to get desperate and scared and frustrated and then I lash out at them, and I'm trying not to, but unless I do, I have nothing to say to them and end up accidentally ghosting them for no reason. I want to have something to say! I love these people! I think...

I am desperately afraid of something bad happening to them, I want them to be happy, and I love who they are as people. I just... I don't know why this is happening

I told my friend whom I play D&D with that I hated him and wished he'd leave me

I told my best friend She would be better off if she never met me

Last year I ghosted her out of fear I'd lose her and I guess I wanted to leave on my own terms

I haven't been contacting my sister even though she moved away

I've been ignoring my dad and simultaneously trying to spend more time with him and get away from him

I suppose it's been happening for a while ever since I isolated myself from my two friend groups three years ago... but why?

Those old friend groups were a bit toxic (gossiping behind people's backs & insulting religions) but these new people are lovely and trying their best

I don't know, I need help. Why is this happening? I am so scared and I need to stop doing this.

Should I just... let it go and be alone?

I know I don't deserve them

I just, I keep trying to fix it, fix me, and it's not working. I can't feel closer to people by my own will, I can't get over this fear. It goes away for a day or a week or a month and then it's back.

What do I do?

Somebody please give me advice

Been stuck in a loop for the past two weeks. I took a trip recently which helped a lot but as soon as I got back on the plane to go home the dread and thoughts all came back. “How am I here right now” “I’m on a rock in space this is weird idk where I am” “why is no one else questioning how this is all possible or care as much as I do.” It’s really freaking me out. I’ve been taking hydroxyzine for sleep since that’s all I can think about and I wish I could enjoy the mundane of what human existence is supposed to be like laughing at stupid things, enjoying family, living in the moment and not caring about these big questions with no answers like I used to. I feel like an alien on this planet right now.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis but a vague idea would be great. Sometimes I feel great but other times especially when I have to socialize IRL I tend to stare off into the void and get real numb and then I wake up when someone talks to me, anyone know what it is? I think it's called dissociation but idk

Hello, F16. Trigger warning. On my father’s side, there is a history of alcoholism, substance abuse, and schizophrenia. It is assumed that my father started developing his in 2019-2020, auditory hallucinations. He assumed the voices in his head were god, he believed he was a reincarnation of a prophet. Along with rampant narcissism, porn addiction, physical and emotional abuse on me, my mother and my little brother. Things were not great back then.

My mother packed us up and we escaped to a town for 3 days in July 2020. That was the last time I have ever seen him. We moved. I met a neighbor who taught me about porn, and how to masturbate. I was only in 5th-6th grade, she was the same age. We developed a very co-dependent relationship, after we stopped being friends it almost felt like withdrawal.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety somewhere around 2021-2022, I was also assumed to have adhd and autism. I was diagnosed by a neurodivergent specialist. At the end of the first semester of 6th grade I started falling asleep in class, I couldn’t sleep well at night, I fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Extreme thoughts about my body soon followed. Around that time is where I started to hate every part of myself. I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted to be pretty so badly. What was weird is that part of me believed that I was secretly pretty, skinny, and gorgeous and that I just couldn’t see it. That’s also when the (I assume to be) maladaptive daydreaming started.

I made up stories about being a different person, prettier, wanted, flawless. I would do it constantly. It got to the point that I would rather be in my head then go to school. My depression, exhaustion and anxiety got so bad my mother pulled me out of school. She put me in a private school that I just couldn’t handle from my sheer exhaustion and outlook on life, so I was “homeschooled” for the last 3 months of that year.

That summer was excruciatingly lonely. I started writing songs as a personal diary. All I would do is sit there with my thoughts.

Fast forward 9 schools, every single one having been dropped from exhaustion and depression. My maladaptive thoughts still run rampant. My exhaustion has gotten worse, so has my depression and anxiety. After I witnessed my cat be mauled to death by my stepdads dog, my binge eating has turned into a minor version of anorexia.

After back pain in 2024 started, I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Since May I have lost 25 pounds, (which I am completely okay with, which scares me)

I apologize if all of that information seems irrelevant. My mental state is absolutely shattered. I do very little during the week. I interact with very little people. I feel like a rat in a cage. I’m lonely, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I live in my head so much I’m scared to talk to actual people.

I’m scared I’ll get things wrong. I’ve lost a lot of my social skills so things are much worse. My mind and body are in such disarray, I have no desire to work. I think about the world, the concept of death, and life so much it stresses me out to my core. It eats me up inside.

My question is, how do I start taking the first steps towards cleaning all of the bad out? When deep down, I don’t desire to work or go to school. I want to clean my mental state so badly but I have no clue where to start.

I have a therapist (hired after my cat passed) and I’m currently taking amphetam (that’s what it says on the bottle idk) duloxotine, quentiapine, and naltrexone.

Thank you.