So for context i am diagnosed with bipolar 2 and conduct disorder for now. However theres this thing i cant wrap my head around. Im dating my bf, and we’ve been together for 8 months. And theres this thing like I’m obsessed with ex? I don’t know how to say it but i keep stalking her, asking chat gpt and friends who’s prettier so on. He’s been with her for 3 months and never loved her, i even read some of their old chats and he hasn’t shown much interest in her. And no matter how many times he reassures me that I’m prettier and he loves me i just cant let it go. And i know about retroactive jealousy but wouldn’t reassurance from friends and him help with that? And every time it’s like knifes poking my whole body when i look at her page and i feel like I’m starting to go crazy. He never once mentioned her and she even has a bf and I’m still unable to let go. How do i help this, or what is this called?

The past few years of my life have been more or less a train wreck . I’m 24M . Firstly. At the age of 20 i transitioned to female. And posted all the awkwardness of the early stages online. lost many friends from that. Went to university in 2021 when i was 20, first year went okay. Summer going into second year i had my first bout of what may be called “spiritual psychosis” or “spiritual emergence”? Anyway, it was euphoric for a few weeks then flipped and i cut my hair off , posted it all online and later became severely embarrassed by what i had shared, among grieving an impulsive haircut . Second year university was coming up, and from all the chaos of psychosis , online posting , ongoing transition, being alone in my dorm, haircut grief and low confidence, my nervous system just became absolutely fried. The following school year was hellish to say the least, but somehow i made it through. Little did i know it would only get worse from here .

Summer of 3rd year i did acid and it sent me into spiritual psychosis AGAIN but worse this time. By the end of the summer i was in the psych ward from nervous system overload, delusion, just hypersensitive and painful body symptoms which overwhelmed me and led me to near suicide . I went to rehab (which cost $30k) just after but yet again somehow managed to make it to third year University. All the while sharing my experiences online, oh also shaved my head. The haircutting has a reason i don’t feel like sharing here but it just complicates everything yet again. Fucked nervous system, but i’m back in school still in my MTF transition.

School year ends, i yet again made it thru somehow not without a huge amount of stress, but it wasn’t quite as hellish as second year. The summer comes around again . And you guessed it . **BOOM** psychosis . I didn’t even use drugs this time except maybe some stimulants i was prescribed . This was the worst one. I went on a couple month long tirade online posting song lyrics i thought were god speaking to me and notes app writings . Destroying my reputation at university and online friendships. to give some more detail. I had one instagram account for friends i met at university, and another that i had prior to that for other friends a lot of them being solely online. Over these two accounts i posted 800 times each over the course of a few months . Shit went so wrong . I came to my senses later and was absolutely devastated. Oh yeah, i also ended up dropping out at this time due to my mental health. So i moved back with my mom, while having severe public embarrassment internet psychosis , AND decided to detransition. Lost just about everything during this time, and to top it all off i received a $50k (CAD) inheritance which i more or less fully blew due to my mental health. This was all back in 2024. Since then ive been living with mom/dad . Unemployed, though i did have a job for a few months . But to be honest all the shit that went down absolutely fried me. I was more or less a severely suicidal genderfucked zombie for 2 yrs.

That is until this summer . When things started to get a lil better i was feeling less ashamed of my past, more secure in my gender , and I was planning to go back to Univeristy, unfortunately not as nice as school as the prior one but it was something . Then BOOM you guess it . Psychosis part 3 or 4? This was just a month or two ago now . Posted online more tactfully this time, less embarrassing, still embarrassing tho. i did get banned from a nice skincare clinic after their AI chat bot got me thinking i was special. I texted their bot shit about selling babies foreskin, the elite flipping embryos, fucking idk bro it’s fucked but i got banned and im real embarrassed about that. Some poor girl in that clinic was probably reading my psychotic messages concerned and confused. I also sent an evil stream of messages to a 8 people family group chat which led to my dad getting me admitted to the ward . The 4th time my parents called the cops on me for my mental health in the past 4 years ? I was in the ward for 3 days this time. Then when i got out my Dad had me locked out of the house after i got out the ward. so i was on the street for 2 days after. I guess he was trying to prove a point. Oh yeah, i also tried to reestablish contact with some ppl from my old university on instagram . Really should have just left em in the past because im embarrassed by that too now. Due to my mental health this summer. My chance at university this year is gone. Revoked by my parents who are my sole source of funding.

Maybe next year? Idk, all i do know is i can’t get this shit out of my head now. Not sure what condition i have . Psychiatrist says it’s Borderline personality disorder. I read up on something called “Pathological Demand Avoidance” which seems accurate too, maybe AuADHD, narcissistic traits and nervous system sensitization . The gist is i’m a fuck, with about the messiest past and reputation you can have. Just endless embarrassment. It’s a fuck. World is a fuck. I could use some advice on how to treat myself with some compassion, or if i’m even worth that at this point. I feel like such a failure. On top of all this now i feel extremely guilty for what i have put my family through, the huge amount of money and time i have wasted, and i have no friends at the moment. I certainly have felt worse in the past than i do now. But the embarrassment still kills me daily. I’m probably forgetting some shit to include here too. Forgive me if i have to add more later.. I just need some advice on how to turn my life around. I know i’m not a bad person, and i have a lot of potential too, i don’t want my life to go to waste. Thanks for reading .

TLDR: Transitioned (MtF) in 2021. Went to university the same year. Consecutive years of periodic psychosis led to me dropping out of university in 2024, detransitioning and moving back in with parents with severe suicidality for years following. I’m somewhat better now, but still struggle regularly with extremely embarrassing and painful memories .

Hey there!!
Hope you've had a good day and enjoyed it, if not then don't worry, things will be fine, i mean stuff goes up and down, just keep on moving!
alright so.....I'm-screwed
up until now, 3 doctors have told me to go and see a professional psychiatrist and take medicines, but but but but! given my condition and situation, i really can't and i've tried several times. I keep failing duh-
Now listen here!
I've lost 3 of my closest friends-and it sucks but hey people come and go AND THEY'RE NOT DEAD! it's just something happened which- ANYWAYS IT's neither of our fault. just really complicated so don't make any assumptions about it.
Yes, I'm absolutely suicidal even tho i don't really wanna end it all, no i'm not making FUN of it or anything like that but i've given 17 shots-Yes i sometimes self harm-maybe? nah it depends on my persona. masochist/sadist shit-ANYWAYS!!
i've been suffering with apathy and burnouts and sort of depression at night daily. I'm also struggling with this personality thing since like 3-4 years. it's like alter egos but i'm not sure what it exactly is...
currently I've been idolising a certain genre of characters to cope (the characters include, Nagumo Yoichi, Dazai, Douma, Furuta, etc.) call me anything but i'm far beyond the point of reacting or caring to any sort of criticism. this is probably a rant or vent wtv you call it....
i've decided to take a break from most of my social connections, only talking a really small circle of people who give me a good time.
in the end i'm just a guy who in the day is idolising and larping his fav persona, and being popular at school, while people enjoy my company at their fullest and love me, and at night i'm just exhausted and tired of like everything that i just lose my strength and all that energy..
did I MENTION ABOUT ME NOT BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION WITHOUT COFFEE!?...
and since I am yapping, might as well state that i often have a clenching pain in my chest, sometimes it hurts while breathing sometimes it hurts for no reason or when i'm thinking, sometimes my BP just stoops low and my heart rate spikes, AND
AND AND AND I despise and hate mediocrity... :3

I dont have anyone in my life I can tell this to so here i am in reddit. Im 19, and I’ve been living in this miserable feeling for years now. I live in the middle east, in a not "extremely" religious country, but of course I was unfortunate to be born in a family that is. I'm grateful that I have a home to live, can afford necessities and dont have any disabilities so I feel guilty that i'm even complaining about this, its like my burdens are so small compared to others, but I'm sorry, I'm exhausted today and i need an outlet so pardon me.

I've had to endure extreme emotional and physical abuse my entire life, from hitting, insulting, humiliating, to being threatened to be killed/kicked out,etc... and to this day i still experience this. I'm supposed to be used to it. Not reacting to attacks and letting words pass from an ear to another & just ignoring it. but I'm in a state where i've been holding out too much that now anything gets to me. i suppose a "sensory overload"? well im no professional i cant diagnose myself but i've been feeling a huge unexplainable spur of emotions this past year. Perhaps bc it was my first year in uni so everything is overwhelming and new to me. My first year just ended and I still cannot adapt at all. I dont have friends and my grades are incredibly bad i even had to retake 2 classes than i failed again this semester. I try to study but i dont have any motivation… i also think i have ocd, i mean ive only noticed it this year thinking everything ive been doing was normal, or these random thoughts hurting people around me that make me feel like a horrible criminal, these thoughts have been following me forever but have gotten worse this year, along with me not being able to concentrate on anything. Esp things that are important in my career later on. nothing in my life is working out. my friends in high school are ghosting me. And even my online friends dont gaf… i dont have a single soul talking to me other than my family members. And even then we dont have normal conversations just screaming and treating me like their worker which feels like shit. I cant even make them proud with my grades bc theyre all awful like i said. im just there being useless, taking up space and wasting people’s money and energy on me. I feel shameful for just existing. Thats why i plan to kiII myself this week By overdosing. I only hope it works and i don’t embarrass myself and have my family waste money on any hospital bills if i survive. You may say things like "oh did you even try" but i did its just the odds have always been against me. its a lose-lose situation, so I'd rather go with the lesser damage option. I’ll really miss reading mangas and so much more games ive always wanted to try but, if i’ll never be good enough to get them then there’s no point.

​

I'm 22 and I feel like I've spent the last few years watching my life pass by.

A particular addiction ended up consuming a huge part of my college life. Because of it, I avoided a lot of things I should have been doing. When placement season came, I didn't attend. I ignored referrals and opportunities that could have helped me start a career.

Now I'm unemployed and living with my parents.

The strange thing is that my parents aren't forcing me to get a job. They've been supportive and patient with me. Instead of appreciating that, I've often become distant, irritated, selfish and unsympathetic toward them. I hate admitting that because they probably deserve much better from me.

What scares me most is that I'm not ignorant of what's happening.

I know the consequences of staying unemployed. I know the career gap keeps growing. I know people my age are moving forward while I'm standing still. I know my parents won't always be around to support me.

I know all of this, yet I still struggle to act.

I've fallen into a cycle of avoidance. I avoid something important, feel guilty about it, distract myself, then feel even worse and avoid even more.

I also have a lot of perfectionist thinking. If one thing goes wrong, I sometimes feel like the entire day or week is ruined, so I stop trying altogether.

Over the last few years I've become very interested in philosophy and ideas like nihilism, antinatalism, meaning, existence, etc.

But there's something that bothers me about that.

Even though I spend so much time thinking about these things, I've also become increasingly hedonistic and materialistic. I chase comfort, food, entertainment, distractions and whatever makes me feel good in the moment.

Sometimes I wonder whether my philosophical thoughts are genuine or whether I'm using them as another way to escape reality.

And lately, the self-destructive side of all this has become darker.

I've had suicidal thoughts, and there have been times when I've genuinely felt like ending my life might be the only way to escape this cycle.

I'm not saying this because I want attention or sympathy. It's actually one of the things that scares me about myself. I don't necessarily want my life to end—I want this version of my life, this constant avoidance and feeling of being stuck, to end. But sometimes my mind doesn't seem to distinguish between the two.

I still go to the gym. I still eat, watch things, use the internet and find things that temporarily distract me. From the outside, I probably don't look like someone who's completely falling apart.

But internally I feel incredibly disconnected from my future.

I spend more time thinking than doing.

The hardest part is that I can't blame anyone else. A lot of the opportunities I missed were because of my own decisions.

I know I'm only 22. I know I could potentially rebuild my career and my life from here. But emotionally, I don't always believe that.

So I'm asking people who have actually been through something similar:

Did you ever reach a point where you felt like you'd destroyed your own future?

Did you deal with addiction, self-destructive behaviour, nihilistic thinking, avoidance, unemployment or suicidal thoughts—and somehow manage to rebuild yourself?

How did you get yourself to care again?

How did you stop chasing immediate pleasure and start taking responsibility for your future and the people around you?

If you were 22, unemployed and basically starting from zero, what would you do first?

I don't want people to tell me that everything will magically be fine.

I want to know how people actually got themselves out.

Because I don't want to wake up at 25 or 30 and realize that I spent those years exactly the same way.

I have so many prescribed to me at this point. ADHD depression, anxiety. And another one I can’t remember, maybe it’s because of the concussion, but I seem to be working fine. :D

TL;DR: I am undiagnosed with extremely low empathy. I want to love and support my friends and family but I am finding it extremely difficult to do so and even starting to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them but I feel like I'm losing control of myself to my fears and I need to know how to stop this before I do something stupid and lose someone I love forever.

I am undiagnosed, and I don't know if there's something deeper going on here, but something new has showed up after a massive episode of being mentally unable to get out of bed without almost crying last year.

This year everything seems better! My brother is doing better in his life, my best friend is willing to talk about her life more often, my projects are going better, and I'm understanding how to pace myself. Plus, I got a boyfriend! I should be happy, I should be excited.

The problem is that when my emotions get worse, I can't do anything. Where, last year, I couldn't get out of bed, this year I can't go to sleep. I don't understand why, but every conversation with anyone (despite the fact I get energy from talking to people) just mentally hurts me. I get bored really quickly and I feel like a drag in the conversation and even when I try to make it fun again, the problem always just comes back to the fact that I'm the problem. I'm unhappy because I'm part of the conversation.

I feel little to no empathy. I don't feel people's emotions and I only understand them and come to my own emotional conclusion if I understand the feelings and why they happen. I can sympathize and feel compassion (Like I'm sorry it happened, I'm sad FOR you, not WITH you). I also struggle to feel love unless I know a person on a very intimate level which leaves my close friends as the only people I feel like I can truly describe as "Loved ones"

My family, I suppose I'd be sad if I lost them, almost incapacitated even, but I only feel a real bond with my older sister. With my boyfriend it's the same. We've only known one another six months and the relationship is one month old, but I feel little connection to him. The issue is that whenever I try to explain this to other people, they say I should break up with him because I 'don't love him obviously'. This is the most attraction I've ever felt to anyone EVER. I like him a lot and I feel more of a bond to him than I feel to most people who are categorically closer to me emotionally since I know more about them than I do him.

I don't know why, but I've started to panic and be intensely emotionally hurt when people leave me alone (Which is not their responsibility, they have their own lives; but for some reason that logic doesn't help me at all). I want to be supportive and to help my friends and boyfriend through whatever issues they have, I want to be a good girlfriend and a good friend and a better person, but I just... can't.

I begin to get desperate and scared and frustrated and then I lash out at them, and I'm trying not to, but unless I do, I have nothing to say to them and end up accidentally ghosting them for no reason. I want to have something to say! I love these people! I think...

I am desperately afraid of something bad happening to them, I want them to be happy, and I love who they are as people. I just... I don't know why this is happening

I told my friend whom I play D&D with that I hated him and wished he'd leave me

I told my best friend She would be better off if she never met me

Last year I ghosted her out of fear I'd lose her and I guess I wanted to leave on my own terms

I haven't been contacting my sister even though she moved away

I've been ignoring my dad and simultaneously trying to spend more time with him and get away from him

I suppose it's been happening for a while ever since I isolated myself from my two friend groups three years ago... but why?

Those old friend groups were a bit toxic (gossiping behind people's backs & insulting religions) but these new people are lovely and trying their best

I don't know, I need help. Why is this happening? I am so scared and I need to stop doing this.

Should I just... let it go and be alone?

I know I don't deserve them

I just, I keep trying to fix it, fix me, and it's not working. I can't feel closer to people by my own will, I can't get over this fear. It goes away for a day or a week or a month and then it's back.

What do I do?

Somebody please give me advice

i feel soo fucking invalid i do nothing but cat scratches and occasional styros and i don't have many scars and just feel like i m doing this for attention and yk what no one knows that i cut except my bsf and i feel like i ruined the fucking friendship by telling her agahhh GOD I HATE EVERYTHING before i use to do it just to cope with shit and now i sometimes do it just cuz i feel like i deserve or need pain and the other day mom saw my scratches and asked abt them and i was like i had a rash and itched too hard and she fucking believed it i dont fucking know how she did but yeahh and btw my parents dont believe in mental health and shit so i m not getting any help for a long time and i feel fucked up sryy this is my first venting post and i m 2 dayss clean (longest since july) soo yeahh that's itt thanxxx

Hello, F16. Trigger warning. On my father’s side, there is a history of alcoholism, substance abuse, and schizophrenia. It is assumed that my father started developing his in 2019-2020, auditory hallucinations. He assumed the voices in his head were god, he believed he was a reincarnation of a prophet. Along with rampant narcissism, porn addiction, physical and emotional abuse on me, my mother and my little brother. Things were not great back then.

My mother packed us up and we escaped to a town for 3 days in July 2020. That was the last time I have ever seen him. We moved. I met a neighbor who taught me about porn, and how to masturbate. I was only in 5th-6th grade, she was the same age. We developed a very co-dependent relationship, after we stopped being friends it almost felt like withdrawal.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety somewhere around 2021-2022, I was also assumed to have adhd and autism. I was diagnosed by a neurodivergent specialist. At the end of the first semester of 6th grade I started falling asleep in class, I couldn’t sleep well at night, I fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Extreme thoughts about my body soon followed. Around that time is where I started to hate every part of myself. I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted to be pretty so badly. What was weird is that part of me believed that I was secretly pretty, skinny, and gorgeous and that I just couldn’t see it. That’s also when the (I assume to be) maladaptive daydreaming started.

I made up stories about being a different person, prettier, wanted, flawless. I would do it constantly. It got to the point that I would rather be in my head then go to school. My depression, exhaustion and anxiety got so bad my mother pulled me out of school. She put me in a private school that I just couldn’t handle from my sheer exhaustion and outlook on life, so I was “homeschooled” for the last 3 months of that year.

That summer was excruciatingly lonely. I started writing songs as a personal diary. All I would do is sit there with my thoughts.

Fast forward 9 schools, every single one having been dropped from exhaustion and depression. My maladaptive thoughts still run rampant. My exhaustion has gotten worse, so has my depression and anxiety. After I witnessed my cat be mauled to death by my stepdads dog, my binge eating has turned into a minor version of anorexia.

After back pain in 2024 started, I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Since May I have lost 25 pounds, (which I am completely okay with, which scares me)

I apologize if all of that information seems irrelevant. My mental state is absolutely shattered. I do very little during the week. I interact with very little people. I feel like a rat in a cage. I’m lonely, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I live in my head so much I’m scared to talk to actual people.

I’m scared I’ll get things wrong. I’ve lost a lot of my social skills so things are much worse. My mind and body are in such disarray, I have no desire to work. I think about the world, the concept of death, and life so much it stresses me out to my core. It eats me up inside.

My question is, how do I start taking the first steps towards cleaning all of the bad out? When deep down, I don’t desire to work or go to school. I want to clean my mental state so badly but I have no clue where to start.

I have a therapist (hired after my cat passed) and I’m currently taking amphetam (that’s what it says on the bottle idk) duloxotine, quentiapine, and naltrexone.

Thank you.

Been stuck in a loop for the past two weeks. I took a trip recently which helped a lot but as soon as I got back on the plane to go home the dread and thoughts all came back. “How am I here right now” “I’m on a rock in space this is weird idk where I am” “why is no one else questioning how this is all possible or care as much as I do.” It’s really freaking me out. I’ve been taking hydroxyzine for sleep since that’s all I can think about and I wish I could enjoy the mundane of what human existence is supposed to be like laughing at stupid things, enjoying family, living in the moment and not caring about these big questions with no answers like I used to. I feel like an alien on this planet right now.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis but a vague idea would be great. Sometimes I feel great but other times especially when I have to socialize IRL I tend to stare off into the void and get real numb and then I wake up when someone talks to me, anyone know what it is? I think it's called dissociation but idk

I know it's generally frowned upon, but I'm terrified of not being on anything for 2 weeks, and if you read the evidence, low doses of things like amitriptyline are totally safe.

My doc just said a flat "no," and wouldn't even discuss it, presumably because he's afraid of a lawsuit if something bad happens.

MAOIs are my last hope, and I'm kind of annoyed I can't just do what I want - I feel like I've earned that right.

I get a major depressive attitude that causes me to either consider self harm or commit minor cuts.
I have made multiple attempts (putting a loaded gun under my chin) to the like of cutting severe gashes on my body.
How should I tackle alcoholism with a potential major depressive disorder?
I had been fine for 3 ish years but it’s all flooded back and I’m needing help.
Thank you in advance, no matter how long it takes. I’m going to fight for my mind. It may falter, and I may hurt myself but I will do my best not to severely cause harm.

Hi, I’m an industrial design student researching the experience of physical restraints used in hospitals and emergency care. I’ve spoken with healthcare professionals, but I also want to make sure I understand the experience from the patient’s perspective.

If you have personally experienced being physically restrained in a healthcare setting and feel comfortable sharing, I’d really appreciate hearing about your experience. You can answer as much or as little as you'd like.

• What do you remember most about being physically restrained?
• What, if anything, felt physically uncomfortable or painful?
• Did you feel safe while restrained? Why or why not?
• Was there something you needed or wanted to do but couldn't because of the restraint?
• If you could change one thing about the experience, what would it be?

Recently (around 2 months ago) I got a psychiatrist told her my symptoms and she put me on Wellbutrin 150XL after the first session. At the end of it she asked if I had any questions after and I said that I had suspicions I had adhd or something else other than depression wrong with me and she just said “it’s a little more complicated than that” and didn’t even hear my reasons(i made a whole notes page with my reasons and what to say). Then the Wellbutrin didn’t boost my mood at all so I got moved to 300 after the first month. Not only did she say she was going to send me information to get lab testing twice (she never did), she also said we could meet this month. The day of the meeting I realized she scheduled it a month after the date she said it was going to be. The medication doesn’t do much, it just makes tasks i already started a little less strenuous but i still have depressive episodes. Today was the first day i took a shower in 4 days and brushed my teeth. The only reason I did was because I was nervous of what other people would think at school. I lost 2 of my friends recently and just started college last week and my parents suddenly decided they wanted to support me but i’m when i told them i was thinking of killing myself (suicidal ideations at this point) at 8-9 they did nothing but tell me not to do it. We never talked about it again, they would always tell me im average and selfish and after i got home from school they would tell me how bad i was because i didn’t do my chores or had a C in high school (this would go on for 1-2 hours of me just having to sit and listen about everything I was doing wrong). They never understood me when I said it slipped my mind because i didn’t even think about it and they just called me lazy (even though my dad told me he knew i was depressed that whole time they still did stuff like this). I’m kind of repulsed by their affection and their attempts to help me because they’re only doing it because I got on medication. and im scared that the lack of care for my feelings is going to ruin my life. I’m impulsive, addicted to porn, anxious about my school work, anxious around people. No one listens to me because on the outside i’m extroverted, i know a lot of people and I crack jokes even when i’m telling anyone how i really feel and I just can’t be serious around people for some reason. When people describe me to myself they think im care free and the things that happened in the past have no effects on me but i think about all of it so much i send myself into a spiral about everything. I just wish I didn’t have to have a breakdown for someone to listen to me. Sometimes i even think of ruining my life on purpose so it doesn’t feel like im faking it. I’m very scared if i go on like this it’ll be bad and every time i try to make progress to change i get depressed and all my progress feels like it’s gone.. and I can’t move forward because I can’t be honest with anyone because they just blow me off. I have a really bad feeling i’m going to die by killing myself but I don’t know when. I almost did it this month by od but i didn’t because I guess i still had hope. But im scared

TW: Suicide, sh, and ed(?). Like I mentioned in the title, I’ve recently been relapsing with SH and suicidal thoughts. I’ve attempted twice before, but I’m still here. Sometimes I’m happy for it, sometimes I’m not. I don’t want to live, but I’m scared of death. I also can’t see a future for myself even though I talk about it a lot.

It’s been a struggle, I’m getting more and more anxious everyday about the smallest things and I feel like crying every time I open my mouth. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, but I don’t want to tell her anything because I’m scare. I don’t want my mom to know, and I don’t want to go into more intense therapy. The place I’m going to is used to handling sever cases, and they’re thinking of sending me to communal therapy because I don’t seem that unwell. But I lie too much. I don’t tell her important things like how I feel suicidal or feel like I might have some form of ocd, autism, or adhd.

I know I need to stop lying and say that everything’s okay, but it’s already been hard for me to open up during our sessions. (I do my best to seem happy and there, even when I’m zoning out.) I hate how I feel after because I never feel better and it just feels worse. I feel worse and my thoughts keep spiralling after every time I’m there. I hate it. I have a fear of death, but at the same time, it seems so freeing. To the point where I read about near death experiences just to know I’ll be free. They all talk about how peaceful they felt, and that they were happy.

It feels like my life is wasted. And I hate that I don’t trust myself around sharp objects, especially when I’m studying to become a chef. It’s also ironic that I’m going to study nutrition after bc I punish myself by denying myself food all the time. It’s annoying, it’s so so annoying to feel this way. I can’t talk about it with words because I can barely speak. I hate it. I like my therapist as a person, but I’m so scared that I won’t be believed or she’ll be disappointed. I think I feel like this because when I told my mom, she seemed almost disappointed that I’d try to off myself, and then the next day when I made food. She made a joke about how she couldn’t eat this if I was dead. Which hurt, but I didn’t say anything. I love my mom, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell anyone anything because it hurts to talk about.

There’s probably more I should mention, but I can’t think of it.. Sorry for the long text and yapping. I couldn’t add more fairs, so I’m worried I put the wrong one, but support and encouragement would be nice. Please do ignore if there are any spelling mistakes or sentences don’t make sense. It’s pretty late and I’m really tired. I just needed to get this out of my head, even though I know I’ll be spiralling after this post.

Have a nice day, and thank you for reading. I appreciate being seen :) <3

I, 15f, just started my sophomore year. Just to preface, I haven’t spent a full year of school actually in person in 8 years between COVID and medical problems because I’m chronically ill with tons of stuff. I managed to go about 2 days last year before having to go back to virtual. Those 2 days last year, I was COMPLETELY fine. I ended up starting late last year due to horrible anxiety (anxiety is bad, especially since I have AuDHD), but once I did start, it was great. But I tried going back this year (August 20), and I had a horrible first day. I missed a day from anxiety, then I had the weekend. Then I missed Monday for medical reasons, but we had my 504 meeting. The school typically goes from 7AM-2:28PM. They cut my day to 10AM-2:28PM. I thought I’d be fine Tuesday. I went in that day with high hopes. By my last class, I had to go to the counselor’s office, but I couldn’t talk to her because she was busy, so I basically went into their fidget room and had a quiet mental breakdown all on my own.

Then, the next morning, I had a complete mental breakdown. I get these freak outs where I become pretty irrational. I refuse any coping skills and just have full sobbing breakdowns. However, occasionally, if I get pushed too far, I start feeling violent. Like I NEED to break, punch, or throw something. It’s like every single signal in my body tells me to lose control. I feel like if I let go, I will end up hurting someone or something. That’s what that was. I eventually got to that point, and it scares me. The urge got so strong. Then, it got even worse. My dad decided spraying me with water while mocking me was his best idea, and I ended up nearly launching myself at him. However, I had to stop because he has a torn shoulder, so one wrong move could tear it more. I ended up sitting on my bed, sobbing out of fear of myself while he continued spraying me in the face and telling me, “Come get me! Get up and come get me!” Thankfully, he eventually stopped once he realized I wasn’t taking the bait. After he left, I texted my mom that I need help because like said, that state makes me violent, irrational, and also horribly depressed. She even texted my therapist, but it wasn’t anything helpful. She just said to see the counselor before school, which made me freak out more.

Ever since then, I’ve been getting HORRIBLY nauseous when school comes up. My emotions also start going all out of wack like in those freak outs. I try my best to stop them, but I feel helpless. I kinda feel like a ticking time bomb. Oh, I’d also like to make it clear, with school, virtual did NOT work. The AuDHD made it a NIGHTMARE. I literally got all Ds and Cs last year. I also can’t just drop out and get a GED until I’m 17, which won’t be until September of next year. Anyways, I really need advice on what to do about school and those freak outs. Thanks!

Its so wildly frustrating that if you can still manage to show up to your job and not completely fall apart in public, people just don't take your symptoms seriously.

Im running on absolute fumes right now. My anxiety is entirely eating me alive but because I still shower and smile in zoom meetings, my family just tells me im "just stressed" and need to push through it

a friend of mine was in this exact same loop of masking until he literally crashed last year and had to disappear to discovery point retreat for a while just to survive his dual diagnosis stuff. It genuinely terrifies me that you basically have to reach a complete, catastrophic breaking point before society actually gives you permission to pause and get help

Im just so sick of performing wellness so other people dont feel uncomfortable around me. I dont want to be "resilient" anymore tbh, I just want to exist without my brain screaming at me all day. does anyone else feel like they're basically being punished for holding it together?

[Cw: very brief mention of suicidal thoughts, past history of self harm, ED recovery]

Hey there, I’m 23F professionally diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder & Anxiety Disorder secondary to C-PTSD, Level 1 Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD and an eating disorder. I am very “high functioning” and in the process of getting into medical school. I’ve made some huge changes in my life this year including focusing on my health. I’m over 70 days free from some of my major ED behaviors after 9 years of struggling. I am also probably 5 years clean from self harm?
For the most part I am a happy person whose doing well and working though my trauma and functioning well in everyday life, but it feels like once a month I get so extremely depressed and struggle with suicidal thoughts and self harm urges. I don’t know what it is. Part of me wonders if I’m experiencing an oncoming meltdown or burn out. These episodes especially happen when I have the house to myself for a few days at a time. Sometimes I feel like it’s the boredom and isolation that causes these episodes, but when my roommates return the episode continues. I don’t know what it is or what to do about it. When I have these episodes I hate the person I become. I can be really mean and lash out in anger, though I almost always feel immediately guilty and very rarely wait more than a few minutes before apologizing.
I’ve wondered if it’s possibly Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, but the issue with that is that I’ve been on continuous birth control for 4 years due to chronic pain, meaning I haven’t gotten a period in all that time. I also don’t recall getting too depressed or anything while I was on my cycle, the main issue I had was physical illness. My birth control has also never seemed to negatively affect my mood.
My birth mom is diagnosed with a myriad of things: BPD, possibly Bipolar though I’m not sure, substance abuse related Schizophrenia, pretty much everything I have, and more. I don’t think I have any of these conditions but it worries me to think I may.
I’m thinking of seeing if I could get on a mood stabilizer in addition to the sertraline I take. No clue if that’ll help. Any suggestions for what I could do? I have coping mechanisms and everything for these events so I’m never a danger to myself but I’m sick of having them and I can imagine they don’t make me very fun to be around.

I was diagnosed with ocd, anxiety and depression. I also have a disorganized attatchment style when it comes to dating. I am at the point of honestly feeling like giving up. I have no siblings my parents don't live near me. I feel very alone most of the time and with my anxiety issues its really even hard to even go on dates. I'm on medication and in therapy and I just keep having suicidal thoughts. I don't want to die I just am in mental pain. I struggle really bad with self worth and self image issues. And with my ocd I always struggle with trying to be a good person too. I am completely burnt out at work I come home and nap then wake up eat and go to sleep. I don't really even see a purpose for myself because what am I even doing with my life. I tried really hard this last year on doing things that make me happy but I just feel completely empty. The last date I went on really threw me off the guy was an absolute dick when I told him I like to take things slow he asked how long he has to wait to get in my pants. I got home and just cried. I can't take off of work because I live paycheck to paycheck and have to pay my bills. Im at the point where me doing things that used to bring me joy feels like a chore. I'm not seeking reassurance im just genuinely at a loss of what to do I have been trying everything I am supposed to do..

Any other things to try?

Since June 2021, I have been prescribed Lexapro and lamictal. I started both at the exact same time. Both have been upped to the strongest strength and I take each once daily.

I haven't had health insurance on and off in that time. Most prescribers in those insured times didn't seem interested in trying something different.

I'd say it's been 3-4 years of the medication not really working. I know they have to help a little, because I have forgotten to take it before and I do feel the difference. Overall though, my symptoms haven't really improved.

My issue: how do I know if it's one or the other not doing its job? Or is it both? I was prescribed Lexapro for my PTSD and my prescriber thinks I have Bi polar just based on my mom having it. Gonna agree to disagree on that one, but she prescribed lamictal to stabilize my moods.

I'm just at a loss. I'm interested in trying prozac, but who knows if that is right either. One of my main issues is that I still have anxiety/panic attacks. I want something that can help that, but not interested in Xanax. A lot of addiction in my family and I'm afraid of abusing it. I do have addiction issues and I recognize that.

So yea, that's where I'm at. Advice welcomed.

i feel like i'm the worst person alive (within reason, rapists and the like not withstanding) and because of it i feel like its only right that i should die. i feel like nothing i ever do will make up for any mistakes ive ever made. i have short term things im looking forward to, and long term, if i kill myself, ill cause the death of another person. there is no question to that, either. if i die, someone i love will also die. i just want to be alone so i dont hurt anyone. i just want to be useful. i want to give back to people for everything theyve given me . i dont want to die and i wont but at some point i have to, its retribution. not for years and years, but at some point this debt has to be repaid. i'm not a good enough person to be allowed to live, not compared to any of my friends or anyone ive ever known.

I’ve had a very weird couple of months, and II don’t wanna get into THAT with too much details, but I need to give the big picture for you to fully understand what I’m saying. But anyway I was in residential for bpd, had some sort of euphoric episode which lasted 3 months, caused me to behave so unhinged that I got kicked out of treatment. And during said period, I did things I now deeply regret.

Still dealing with this guilt, today is my birthday but my birthday is emotionally very heavy because 16 year old me didn’t want to become 18, then 20, then 25,… (now 23rd birthday) and I did unfortunately do things to achieve that goal which resulted in me spending several birthdays being locked up. I really want to break that cycle so that I don’t have to be miserable on my birthday anymore, and I’ve been doing that since last year after my most traumatising birthday in 2024. I try doing that by surrounding myself with people I love, and doing something lowkey that won’t fully drain my social battery. This year I did a barbecue with my parents, brother, and best friend. (Yesterday cus most people had plans today)

Another thing I need to add is that I feel like such a bad friend because I’ve traumatised her with my past attempts, and in 2025 with my substance use. I feel like poison and I hate that I’m not a better friend even tho I’m genuinely trying. She has come so far (we met in residential) and I’m far behind and I so desperately don’t wanna slow down her progress.

Yesterday was in retrospect, a relatively nice birthday, but I was consumed by guilt. I don’t even know how to even explain but yesterday was about me or something and everyone got here for me but I feel like I don’t deserve that and that I shouldn’t even dare expect them to do that for me and I’m still thankful they did but I also feel like I don’t have a right to even ask. Like I shouldn’t be celebrated, like I shouldn’t throw parties for myself. But on the other hand, I want to change my feelings about my birthday so I do have to put actual change into it and do something nice for it but I also so desperately want to not be here anymore and not be a burden for my friends anymore. Like they put sm effort into it and all I wanted to do was disappear.

Also my parents who I lost respect for because of the past got me a really expensive gift which made me feel even more disgusting and so fucking guilty.

Later today I’m seeing my best friend again because she didn’t want me to spend my birthday alone and I think I’m going to talk to her about how I don’t wanna be a bad friend anymore.
Thanks if you read all of it; I really needed to type it out.

so over the past few years, every couple of months my dose gets upped because it stops working. i’m taking 450mg of wellbutrin and 20mg of fluoxitine. is it ever going to get better? when is enough that i can’t increase it anymore and im just never going to get better?